A
female
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anonymous
writes:I have sent in the odd question before and my situation keeps developing....My boyfriend suffers from post traumatic stress disorder from his time in the armed forces which causes horrific nightmares and influences our intimacy. He has massive pressures on him at the moment. He left an abusive marriage once his daughters were grown up (19 and 20) - yes we are quite old! - after many years, we having known each other when we were young. When I say the marriage was abusive, he was emotionally controlled and denied any affection, whilst being told he was fat, ugly, a useless father etc. He weighed 2 of me but has managed to lose a hell of a lot which makes me proud. I think he would have died he was so big. We are too far from his kids for him to see them more than once or twice a year but before he left he told them that he would start a fund to enable them to visit, invited them to complete university here and was reassuring and loving. They know why he was unhappy. His wife seems under the illusion that he would come back once he had "sorted himself out". He has told her that he wants a divorce. There is enough love between us to fill an oceon. However, now his own family, Mum, Dad, sister etc are blaming him and making him feel guilty for leaving. He kept his difficulties to himself until after he left. His wife has set his two daughters up to put massive pressure on him to come back. One says she will harm herself and has said she will send photographs of herself as she becomes thin on hunger strike. The other, who was OK at first, now won't respond to him by phone or email until he agrees to sign over the marital home to his wife. I understand that they must be very upset but they have an opportunity for a good relationship with him still and I wonder how much pressure these people want to put on him; do they want him to have a breakdown?Now, not surprisingly the impotence problem has become greater and the nightmares are awful. He keeps asking me to reaffirm my love and I do. He is so fragile and I am terrified for him. What on earth can I do?
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (14 April 2006):
 These so called family are going out of theiur way to destroy your relationship and you must continue to help him be strong enough not to give in to their emotional blackmail.
Firstly get him to calmly write down all his feelings about this situation and then put them in a letter. Send a copy of this letter to all those people who are putting him under pressure. Then let them deal with this, even if the words he ahs written make them angry do not allow him to react with anger. they will eventually start to see things from his point of view if you stay strong and united in this.
Then get him to the doctors. Get him some therapy, even go with him if you ahve to. But allow him to deal with his feelings of guilt, failure and sadness with this trained professional who will not judge him.
As for his daughters, the letters explaining how he feels might not work straight away and they may distance themsleves fro a while, but as they grow up and get more life experience they may see this as his only way of coping. As for the *hunger strike* this is emotional blackmail in its purest form and this woman needs her bumps felt!! What a bitch to do this to her father....../
Good luck
keep us posted
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): I don’t know whether there is anything you can do to help the situation. This is your bf’s family. He has the problem here and he has to find the strength to deal with this family BS, in his life. All you can do is support, love and encourage him when times get tough. It seems he allows his ex-wife, his daughters and his parents, push him around and they have no respect for his 'new life' as it is, right now. The best he can do to get through this crap that his family is dishing out to him..is to keep a polite distance until this all blows over and it will eventually. He is doing nothing wrong. The marriage is over, he left his wife and he's found newfound happiness with you. Now all of them have to accept this, as it is. The emotional blackmail his daughters are inflicting on him is cruel and unecessary. It appears they learned from their Mother, that this type of behaviour gets them what they want. That's pretty sad. Just keep reassuring him that all will be better and if things don't go well...think about encouraging him to get some counseling for his PTSD. He's obviously been thru hell and counseling will help him to acquire the skills to cope. Best of luck, hun.
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