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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Here's my situation. Long story short, there's this guy I met and talked to maybe 3 times. He seemed really friendly, and nice so I added him on facebook. He got a job somewhere else, got engaged. (I'm also engaged)and he hasn't really spoken to me since. I saw on fb it was his 21st b-day so I decided to be friendly and send a happy birthday message. He then started messaging me and what started off as a nice chat, turned really obscene. At first it was him regretting never asking me out, and I kept telling him not to have any regrets, cause he's now with his fiancee, and I'm with mine. He kept going..He went as far as to tell me he 'came' in his pants one day after seeing me in a mini skirt, that he thinks of me at times when masturbating, great detail about his penis, that he's a virgin, and that he was masturbating as we texted... Now, this doesn't really bother me much (I'm going into Psychiatry), but I always imagined that if I were in this type of situation I would always tell the fiancee about it. I have really strong morals, and I know if it were me, I'd want someone to tell me about it before I made a decision, and married the wrong guy. Regardless if she decided to do so anyway. I know the standard answer is to leave it alone, and don't get involved..(especially since they just had their engagement party yesterday)...but I still feel the need to message her...I should also add, he did apologize, and I have already blocked him on facebook.What's the right thing to do, and what should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 February 2012):
 So you did the right thing OP. You told him that it wasn't appropriate and you cut the contact. Good!
As far as telling her, I still say, I wouldn't so it unless I have copies of every text/IM/e-mail. And even then I am not sure I would. It's not that she doesn't "deserve" to know, but more a I don't know if it is my job to police horny people.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Since you blocked him, you no longer have any proof of those conversations. If you talk to her, she won't believe you if you don't have proof. And even if she DOES and confronts him, he'll tell her that because you didn't SHOW her the conversations, you're lying, because there's no proof.
Unless he messages you again and gives you a solid obvious trail that shows them both the proof of what you're claiming, you'd be better off saying nothing, because then you'll look like a crazy jealous girl rather than someone who's trying to protect her from making a terrible mistake.
DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HER WITHOUT PROOF. Period. It will only end badly for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): What if you tell his fiancee the truth, she doesn't believe he's at fault and then blames you for trying to break them up and steal him away?
If you don't know how a person is going to react to news she won't want to hear, don't tell her. If you're going into Psychiatry you should know all about denial and the lengths to which people will go in order not to believe that which they choose not to believe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): **OP**
He just seemed like he had some things to get off his chest,(and I enjoy listening to people, and trying to help them through their problems) so I did let the conversation continue. All the while, I was mentioning her, and how he should be thinking of her in all of this, since he's engaged. It wasn't until later that he admitted to using my Facebook pictures to masturbate, and started getting extremely sexual, at which point I told him, he's engaged and he shouldn't be sending me texts like this, and then I stopped, and blocked him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2012):
I'm guessing it wasn't just one "obscene" text? If so, why did YOU let it continue? Keep the conversation going? You don't thing that is overstepping boundaries even replying to those? For a person with a strong moral compass?
Just curious.
As to what to do. It's a hard one. If you have both sent and received texts and yours doesn't reflect the same sexual intend or tit for tat, I might put them all in an anonymous email and send it to her. Oh the other hand, YOU could easily have stopped it. Though I'm sure he would eventually (if he isn't already) found someone else to sext, I'm not sure I would want to be the "morality police" You don't know her from Eve, so to speak - so how do you know her moral compass and their relationship? Would you really want a total stranger to tell you if your fiancee did this?
Like I said, it's a hard one. I can see both sides. Me personally, I wouldn't do it. He means nothing to you, neither does she.
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