A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok here is the deal, when i was going out with one of my exes, (8 years ago) we went to a club with some of his friends both male and female. when i had a few drinks, i got really turned on by one of his female friends, she felt the same way because we snogged as it felt great. i never felt that way about a female before this night. and nothing happened after that, my ex just presumed it was a drunken joke or something. anyway every now and then i would get a really funny feeling in my stomach if i saw a particular female.fast forward, 8 years, im getting married in couple of months, i told my fiance that i thought i liked both men and women but im still confused about it all. when i told him about that one niht i snogged a female he just brushed it off as me being normal as some of his female friends when they go out after a few drinks also do that on the odd occasion. this reassured me that that is what it was. however, in my job, i work quite a lot with a particular girl who is 10 years older than me. we have developed a bond between us as we just get along really well. but the last month, ive developed more feelings for her and i dont know what this means. i think about her a lot wen we are working or not. i would love to kiss her and ive made jokey comments to her but she made it clear she wasnt interested. im still marrying my fiance as i know i want to be with him but a) i just dont know if this means im bisexual or what as i only snogged a girl once 8 yrs ago and its on the very rare occasion i feel like this. b) how do i keep my friendship with this girl as i dont want to ruin it.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 September 2010):
Hello again. When you have had alcohol seems to be the only time you actually put your feelings of attraction toward another female into action.
This suggests that you probably do have some feelings leaning towards being bi that are there all the time, but lie dormant until you've had a drink or two. Most people after drinking, do become a lot more relaxed and laid back and let go of their inhibitions a bit. So what you are doing when you kiss a girl on the mouth, (after a few drinks), is probably your true feelings. Even if at this stage you are not completely sure.
I don't believe it's just experimentation. Nor is it a sexual fantasy.
The fact you won't do anything when you are sober, means that you just don't have the courage to do it then, so you have a few drinks first. Then those feelings come to the forefront.
It is possible that you are bi-sexual. However, this is nothing to be ashamed of. You are what you are. To be gay or homosexual doesn't change who you are at all. As long as you stay true to who you really are inside your heart (in every way), then you are being authentic - true to yourself. Don't live a lie, you need to be honest with yourself in life, otherwise you will become very unhappy over time. So if you do have these feelings towards other women sometimes, don't judge yourself. You can only pretend for so long. The main thing is to be happy about who you are and accept yourself totally, always. And it has to be unconditional.
A straight person is no better than a gay or bi-sexual person. No-one is any better than anyone else. We are all equal.
In any case, no-one else needs to know of your sexuality - except your fiance, because if you carry through with your feelings, you will be ultimately two-timing him. Even though he jokes about it now, if it comes to the crunch and you really do believe you are bi-sexual and then start living that life behind his back, you are doing the equivalent of having an affair behind his back. And he won't be joking about it then, he'll be angry and upset as he can't complete with the opposite sex for your affections. It would probably be at that time that it would be over with him. Don't however, try to pretend that you don't feel the way you do - just to keep your fiance - you have to be honest with yourself and him. Over time, you are going to have a serious discussion with him about it and not just a passing comment about it. It will have to be very soon and before the wedding. Don't wait till your wedding day when you are getting dressed in your bridal gown. It has to be sooner rather than later.
You will have to tread very warily with this woman at work as until you know where her sexual orientations lie, you can't make a move on her. Perhaps when you get talking (when no-one else is around who can hear you), you could start talking about life and what you did on the weekend etc. and see what she says. Like she might say - "We did this or we went there". Then you will have to work out who the other half of "we" is, whether it's a male partner or a friend, or a female partner. You can't start asking too many questions about it either, as it will look too obvious to her and she might back off altogether.
Perhaps you could have a coffee together at the local sandwich shop at lunch time, and chat there about stuff, and just see how it goes. I think you will very quickly work out if she is interested in the same way you are or if she is even gay or bi-sexual. If you hinted about something and she pick up on it, and it proceeds in a favourable way towards what you are suggesting, then that's good for you. You will definitely have to use subtlety in any case.
However, be careful as you do work together and any suggestion of homosexuality (especially if she's not gay or bi), will change the circumstances at work and make it very awkward and uncomfortable for both of you. So keep that in mind. You don't want to lose your job over it, that's for sure.
I really can't suggest anything more, than being honest with yourself about your true feelings and don't try to pretend that they don't exist. Remember that the truth will always come to the surface eventually, no matter how hard you try to push it down and deny it to yourself. One way or the other, it will reveal itself to you. You will have to be open and honest and just go with the flow with what feels right to you.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni did say to my fiance about my feelings and he was fine about it. He would make jokey comments about me being possibily bi which didnt bother me, im guessing he does that just to tease me and see what my reaction is. i dont think he really believes i am though as when i told him about the time i kissed the other girl and he just thought it was more likely to be because we both had drink in us.
i just cant get these feelings about this other girl i currently work with out of my head. its constant 24hr 7. its a feeling that has ben building and building up inside me (probably because we work so much together) and now its eating me up inside. im so confused.
i know that prior to meeting my fiance, when i was single i loved flirting with men, but if an attractive girl caught my eye i would flirt also (although i admit i would only have the courage to do that if i had some drink in me)
i havent gone further than kissing, but i did play around by a bit of spanking and i would touch them on the arm or somewhere if i found a girl attractive (again only if i had some drink in me)
My fiance invited his female cousin over for a few drinks with her fella. we had a couple of drinks and the music was on really loud that we could dance to. his cousin and i gave them a bit of a "show" of seductive dancing- mainly on my part, i enjoyed the fact that i was turning on my fiance & his cousin's fella, but at the same time i was also getting turned on with dancing in that way with the cousin.
i dont know if i would kiss a girl if i was sober. i do think though that i might do but only if she made the first move and only if i felt the attraction also.
these feelings come and go. its not like it happens every month or a year its random which is why because these feelings only crop up now and again im doubting myself being bi, but then if i was completely straight i should have these feelings at all and certainly not so intense as i am at the minute with the girl i work with.
like i say its really eating me up
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 a) It's hard to say if you're bi or not. You never did anything more than kiss so how do you think you'd react to having sex with a woman? I'd bet you'd like it. My theory is that people are sexual. Everyone is a little straight and gay. I'm straight, but there are a couple of guys I'd do if I had the chance. I'm not ashamed to admit that.
b) She wasn't interested. You presented it in a joking fashion. Pretend it never happened and move on. You'll have to drop it though.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 September 2010):
Hi there. It's hard to know whether you heterosexual, bisexual or gay.
You really have to be honest with your fiance now rather than later. Because it will change things. At least express the doubts you have about your sexuality. He has a right to know.
It does sound like you shouldn't be going ahead with the wedding until you're sure where your feelings lie. If you do get married and then find out that you are gay, then you are cheating on your husband. I'm sure that you don't want to live that way. Don't live a double life either, because it's just pretence and you won't be truly happy.
Over time your heart will tell you what is right. It comes down to thinking about who you are attracted to more - men or women? Is it 50/50? Or do you get more turned on by women? And for that matter, have you gone beyond kissing with a woman?
Only time will tell. Don't judge yourself about this, you have to be honest. Is it just boredom in the bedroom with your fiance and so you are wondering what it would be like to make love to a woman? That's also possible.
I guess it all comes down to how strongly you feel about these women. I'm not advocating it, but have you even visited a gay bar? The only way to find out where your sexual orientations lie is to actually participate, beyond the kissing part - and just see how you think about things afterwards. Otherwise, you just go on wondering.
It might be just a fantasy and nothing more. Don't forget that when you kissed the girl at the bar that night, you were drunk at the time. The thing to ask yourself is, would you still kiss her if you were completely sober? Often when people are drunk, they do things they otherwise wound'nt. Keep that in mind.
The bottom line is just be honest with yourself.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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