A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am married for a little under 4 years. I found out my husband has cheated on me from the beginning. He is one of these people who find it easier to "blame" me rather than to take any responsibility other than "I'm sick" routine. Although he claims to be "sick", he won't pursue any mental health or marriage counseling. Convenient I know. He has an adult daughter who can do no wrong and a family who he claims "hates" me. No doubt my marriage is over. I understand that. I am working toward a goal of doing better in my current business and leaving. Question, am I just as devious as he not telling him of my plans? I've had enough. My health is compromised having no trust in him and of course the blame game doesn't help. I appreciate your advice. I'm a woman with a mission and it's basically a "life saving" plan.Thanks!Duped Wife
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2011):
 No, honey, get your ducks in a row and then divorce his dumb-ass.
I doubt it will come as a great big shock to him.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 November 2011):
No! You're definitely not devious for not disclosing your plans to him. The marriage is basically over so now you're just preparing for what you need to do to move on with your life--nothing wrong with that. You're nice enough already not having already packed his bags for him and kicking him to the curb!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 November 2011):
Good for you for standing up for yourself, you are on the path towards healing yourself from this painful relationship and moving forward in your life.
"Question, am I just as devious as he not telling him of my plans?"
IMO, he has already destroyed the trust in the relationship, so you don't owe him your honesty. he has created this situation where you are on your own. So there's nothing wrong with you behaving accordingly, as if you are on your own.
However, just a word of caution which is that you may want to consult your lawyer on how to go about making your plans, in a way that doesn't jeopardize yourself in divorce court by giving your soon-to-be-ex's lawyer material to paint you badly with.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I am glad that you have a plan and that you are taking control of your life. Cheating is not an illness, he is just using that as an excuse to himself. He doesn't want to feel guilty so he is blaming that and you for his mistakes. I am really glad that you are taking control of your life and you are planning to leave this waste of space and progress in your life, it takes strength to do that, so good for you. Show him who is boss. No it does not make you just as bad for planning this behind his back, he deserves it, he is not worthy of having a wife when he is going to treat you with such little respect. He is trying to rip your confidence down so that you will stay with him. Keep going with your plans and enjoy planning the rest of your life without this loser. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I don't see you as devious at all. You are prudently getting your ducks in a row before stating your long term plans. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact I recommend it whenever possible.
HE was the one who broke the marriage contact as well as the trust, not you. He is no longer your partner and has no right to be kept abreast of your plans.
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