A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 years and have an almost 2 year old son. I'm 24 hubby is 26. More and more for the past 2 years I have been doubting if our marriage can last. I feel like I made a huge mistake by marrying him when I did. All my teenage years I never had a boyfriend, hardly had any friends, and never thought I would be married with kids. Then I met my husband in 07 and he was exactly like me--never had a gf never been kissed etc. I felt so overwhelmed because I thought I was finally with the "right" person just because he was attracted to me. Needless to say we rushed into everything. I was still in college at the time (and I'm back for my 3rd degree now) we had been dating for 3 months before we talked about marriage and got engaged 2 months after that. He didn't even propose to me the old fashion romantic way. I picked out the ring and went to the location full knowing that he would propose. It all happend so fast and I think I was scared this would never happen on its own so I made it all happen and I know I rushed into things way too fast. Fastrack 3 years later with the kid, he just lost his job (and our insurance and main income), im still in college, and we're just not happy anymore. We don't like the same things and we're just fighting nonstop day in and day out. I know that since I rushed into things that I overlooked all the things that I hate about him now. We can't afford counseling but I don't know how much longer I can go like this. He is not a romantic person at all! The only time I get flowers, hugs, kisses, gifts, and even sex is when I ask him or bug him enough till he gives in. I tell him so many times that I need him to be more romantic and he still wont do it. I don't mean to ramble on here but I'm just so overwhelmed right now that I don't know what else to do or who to talk to. It's to the point that if we didn't have our son, it would have been done and over with. I'm just to afraid to flat out divorce him right now because I'm scared we couldn't handle "the real world" on our own right now and I don't want to put our son through all that.... please anyone, give me some good (nice) solid advice to start with. Thank you! :)
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (8 November 2011):
 you may want your son but he is the one that is going to pay the price for selfish ways . yes you are looking for people to give you the go ahead and say divorce your husband so you can enjoy your 20s , 30s? , you did make a commitment to the guy you married to death do us part. has he cheated on you? has he slapped you around and abused you? has your husband been a good father? a good provider ? have you showed love to him, even if he is not romantic? go ahead and get a divorce you don't need anyone's blessings , if you don't love your husband set him free. you may look back a few years and wonder what might have been.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Nope sorry Op, but I'm pretty happy with my life.
You got one negative comment and the rest was constructive...but yet you generalize everyone as being negative. Perhaps you should reread the comments. Remember you can on this free site asking for advice. Of course you're going to get a mix of comments. If you wanted us to tell you want you want to hear, then you should have simply stated so. Often people who want that sort of advice, don't want to face the reality of their situation and what they really must do.
On to your question. So you say divorcing isn't an option. Why not? You're not happy in this marriage, you hate things about your husband, and you even state that the only reason you're still in this marriage is because of your son. I can tell you right now, having divorced parents myself, that is a ridiculous reason to stay in this marriage. It's healthier for the child in the long run to grow up in 2 happy homes instead of 1 unhappy one. Even though he's 2, he can still pick up on the fighting and the unhappiness in this family.
But you also can't afford counseling. Is it something your insurance won't cover?
There's really no other options unless your husband miraculously changes in the next few months. In which, he has to want to change first and put in the effort (both of you) to make this marriage better. You could try talking to him and stating what you need from him in this marriage. In which you should leave out the flowers and gifts. Start with being intimate. If he can't meet your needs then your only other option is divorce.
But as far as advice on trying to stay happy during these tough times, do you think these issues are going to solve themselves?? They won't until you address them and set a plan in motion to solve it all.
So as for the advice you want to hear, fake it as best as you can. Eventually you'll reach your limit on about all you can handle, then you'll file for divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): (I'm the original poster).
to old guy... when and where did I ever say I didn't want my son and that I was going to abandon him?? Obviously my son is number 1 priority in my life and I would never do anything to hurt him. Yes I am not happy and yes we rushed into everything as far as marriage but neither one of us was dragged into it or forced into it so I don't understand from any of you "advice givers" saying that I forced him into it etc.
Oh and I love how you brilliant people say my husband is in misery being with me. He wants to stay with me forever and says he never wants to divorce etc. Why would someone say that if they were in "misery"?
I love my husband and my family and all I wanted was a little advice about how to stay happy through all these tough times were going through and how to get him to be more romantic.
Clearly posting on here was a mistake... my friends told me not to because it is just filled with people who aren't happy in their own lives and just want to make those of us who look for a little advice feel like shit.
Job well done people... I'll never be looking on this shitty site again.
Bye bye!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): Unfortunately many people make the same mistake. My friend has a story similar to yours, she never had a boyfriend as a teenager, at 22 she met a guy who also had no experience in dating. He was her first chance to have a boyfriend and she was desperate. It took her two years to realize that she couldn't stand the guy and that they had nothing in common. Now she regrets the time she wasted on him. That is what you get for being too scared of ending up alone. Being single is a completely normal and natural thing, nothing wrong with being on your own. It is so sad that many people feel incomplete if they are single. If you are unhappy, get a divorce. You are still very young, you might date a dozen more men in the future before you find the right one.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 To be brutally honest won't be what you want to hear(no way to be nice about it but you're trying to find validation in your decision to leave your husband and salvage your youth(or what you see as left of it) Your 2 year old son will never understand this abandonment in favor of your "wants'. Some folks are just not supposed to get married in the first place anfd maybe you are one of them but the boy is the unintended consequence. It's with great sadness that I say this and I will regret it(as will you) but go ahead,leave. These two guys don't need a wife and/or mom that doesn't want them. Lots of luck in your new life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): fear of being on your own is not a good reason to get married nor is it a good reason to stay married. I mean you could get/stay married for that reason but that's what you did and are still doing, and it's obviously not a viable solution unless you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life.
to me it sounds like at the root of this problem is your fear of being on your own. It's what caused you to rush into a marriage with someone you hardly knew, without any prior relationship experience either, and now when the consequences of that bad decision has shown it's what's still keeping you in the situation.
I think you need to learn to be comfortable and less afraid of the idea of being single, and on your own. Only then will you be empowered to make any choices that might ease your misery. Working on your marital relationship isn't likely to go well if you don't actually want to be with that person you're just too afraid to leave. On the other hand if you were comfortable with divorcing him, then any decision to stay and work on the relationship is coming from a place of strength and thus more likely to yield results, and if it doesn't then you're still prepared to divorce him and start over anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): Get a divorce. your making your husband miserable if you bug him unrelentlessly to give you affection that he clearly doesn't want to give. And he's making you miserable that he feels nothing for you. this marriage was a big mistake because you married out of insecurity and selfishness. If you could afford marriage counseling that would be nice but there's only so much that counseling can do, it can't magic out of nothing.
You got married out of insecurity, and now you're thinking of staying married due to the same. This is not a good way to live your life. Take responsibility for your own life and choices, and release your husband from his misery. Don't use your son as an excuse.
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