| A ,
anonymous
writes: Sadly, my adult niece (35) and her Mother(55) don't get along and have huge, trust issues. My niece has two lovely children (10 and 12) and her Mother (the Grandmother) is demanding she be given the right as the Grandmother to have visits with them. My niece is saying an emphatic NO, as the Grandmother has threatened to 'tell the children just what a horrible person their Mother (niece) is and will not respect the Mother's wishes in how the children are to be protected and looked after". My niece offered to have Grandmother visit the children, with another adult family member present. Of course Grandmother said 'no damned way..it's all or nothing'. This 'visitation/access' situation is not a recent thing. Four years ago, the Grandmother has taken her daughter (my niece) to court to be granted visitation and access to these kids. But after hearing both sides of the story, the judge ordered a 'psychiatric' assessment done on the Grandmother, before a ruling was to be made. The Grandmother stubbornly refused to have the assessment done, so she was told 'no decision'was to be made until this was done. It has never been done to this day. Another family member has gotten in this mess, siding with the grandmother. She asked me what I thought. I told her, "that when the grandmother doesn't want to respect the children's lives and feelings and threatens to emotionally cause hurt to the children, then this isn't about rights..it's about Grandma just wanting her own way and causing undue harm on her innocent grandchildren to service her entitled feelings of getting revenge on her daughter". And I also pointed out out, "this Grandmother had the been given the opportunity in court, to prove that she was fit and that no harm will result to the children's health and welfare, should she get access". This family member was upset with my point of view. She said that this Grandmother has 'rights'! But,I stand by my thoughts but I just wanted some wisdom and input from others. I don't think this whole scenario is really about the 'rights' of this grandmother, I think it's just a case where Grandma just wants to assert some control and get back at the Mother? Is the word "rights" truely just a smokescreen? And with those rights..aren't there responsibilities to the well-being of the grandchildren? Do Grandparents morally have 'rights' to see their Grandkids, irregardless of how they get along with the parents? Has anyone ever had experiences like this? Do you just hand over your kid's to people who have threatened to mess with your kid's heads? Who's right here and who's wrong?
View related questions:
grandmother, revenge, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (15 April 2007):
Legally Grandparents don't have rights for visitation unless stipulated in a legal agreement so the answer is no unless you have something written and signed by yourself or the other parent. Hope that helps. From a Family Lawyer
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, indeed-- it is so sad to see these wonderful children miss out on the benefits of a healthy, warm, loving stable Grandmother. The sad thing is this grandmother has insisted that her other adult children, ignore and shun her daughter, their sister (my niece) and her kids, as well. When I asked one of the siblings why they treated their sister like this answer I got "it's best to just keep Mom (the grandmother) happy!" What a sad, sad legacy this women is bestowing on her children. One would think a matriarch, the older, wiser woman in a family, would have some compassion, love and acceptance in her heart for her own daughter. I just don't understand it. Thank you all for your input. I know this woman is of not a sound mind. I have had heartbreaking dealings with her, in my past. And she is narcisstic, insecure and a controller of the very worst kind. As for the family member I talked to about this, she didn't understand my rationalization but I think in time she will figure it out. Grandparents should ver assume because they have grandchildren they have legal 'rights'. Through loving and caring behaviours, some of them definitely need to earn the priviledge.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (12 April 2007):
 The courts were absolutely right in their decision. It is very sad that any family would come to this, but it happens more often than most people think. In this case, the grandma is so toxic that she cannot even see the damage she will inflict on her grandchildren's future emotional health. The court had every right to protect them. I had a relative that I kept at arms length from my children until they were old enough to know not to be manipulated. They can deal with her now through the eyes of an adult and love her inspite of herself, as we all do. Unfortunately, when a person is that toxic, they whittle down the people around them until they are left all alone. There is a reason why her Mother would not comply with the court ordered mental assessment, she is paranoid and rightly so. The assessment would probably show that she has a personality disorder and she wants to hear that less than she wants to see her own grandchiildren. Unfortunately, she is more to be pitied than laughed at. If she had any common sense, or someone (husband/sibling) close to her does, she should accept having supervised visitations. The fact that she hates this idea shows her malicious intent. Your neice is a good Mom and Best of Luck to her. It's really heart-wrenching to raise your kids and be torn that your Mother can't be included, but she's doing the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Unless a court has established that the mother is unfit, the grandmother has no rights at all (legally). Morally and ethically, the mother has the duty to keep her children from this caustic person -- who would ever bring there children to someone who has threatened to "tell the children what a horrible person their mother is?"
The grandmother had her chance when the judge ordered an evaluation. The grandmother blew it.
I agree with the mother and with you. Keep grama at a far distance.
...............................
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (12 April 2007):
 In general, in most legal jurisdictions, I believe that grandparents do NOT have any legally enforceable rights to visitation or other access to grandchildren. In this case, when the judge seemed willing to grant access, the grandmother totally blew her chance by not cooperating with the court in submitting to a psychological assessment.
If the court even suspect that the grandparent is trying to use the children to cause psychological harm to the family and especially to the children, those visitation rights will almost certainly be denied.
Although as a grandparent myself I hate to see such a wedge placed into a family, in this case I think that Granny is dead wrong and probably should be left out in the cold. When the grandchildren come of age they can make up their own minds as to whether they want to re-establish contact with this woman.
...............................
|
