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Does she feel undervalued?

Tagged as: Health, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 June 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2014)
A male United Kingdom age , anonymous writes:

My wife spent many years in Africa married to a european landowner. They appeared rich and she didn't need to work, everything was carried out by domestic servants. More importantly she was the queen bee of her very large social circle. Then the husband died and she discovered that there was no money left in the bank and she was penniless. She eventually found her way to england and lived on support from her daughter but now she was just a face in the crowd. We met and were married five years ago - but now the situation between us is becoming very, very difficult.

Her perfect day is to get up from bed mid morning, watch television all day, then go back to bed. She has no hobbies, interests nor friends. Her only occasional journey from the house is to go to the local supermarket.

So the problem - She has become hypercritical and distrustful of me and of everybody she encounters - in her view I am incompetent, the Bank Manager steals money, the airline pilot is drunk, the solicitor will reveal everything on the internet. Any social conversation quickly turns to a long, long list of complaining which makes everyone walk away. She tries to control everybody - everything anybody does is criticised - "you should have" is her favourite saying.

She has no social life except through me but when she can be the Queen Bee again she comes to life.

The constant criticism is slowly depressing me and we are always in violent arguement - I fear that soon I will start using my fists out of sheer frustration.

My thinking is that she feels she has lost her personal value - it was easy to be valued and admired when she lived in africa - but now she needs to earn recognition and admiration by her own efforts - but she won't do this, and expects me to provide it for her.

What do I do ??? Help !!!

View related questions: drunk, money, the internet, violent

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014):

Does she feel undervalued? It`s you who is undervalued.

Leave her to it.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (13 June 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntCan you explain what it was about her that made you marry her? You don't mention love, so was there another reason?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (13 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony aunt"What do I do ??? Help !!!"

Answer: You go your way.... she goes her way.... and never the twain shall meet (again)....

Figure it out.... you need to learn how to make the remainder of your life WITHOUT this freeloading woman...

Good luck...

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (13 June 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntThen you will have to put that proverbial oxygen mask on yourself first.

I have seen people go through odd behavioral things. Sometimes there is actually a physical reason, such as cancer, primary or from another area in the body. Sometimes there is a trauma like PTSD.

She may have an undiagnosed mental health condition.

Go get that help for yourself; you may find people who have gone through what you are experiencing and can offer strategies to get her to that help that she needs.

"I am always concerned that one day when I have had enough, feel trapped without a way out, then I might lash out in the heat of the moment." Then you definitely need some counseling and a strategy.

Lashing out in the heat of the moment after you have posted this question? Well, you know there is a problem and that the options you have to deal with it may not be as easy as you'd like.

Would you lash out at a person who was being irrational because she had a brain tumor?

If you know you are at risk, it's up to you to get yourself the help you need.

If you feel you are trapped without a way out, then go find the help you need.

If she won't accept help, well, that doesn't mean that you can't go find it for yourself.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 June 2014):

Please do not raise a hand to your wife. By no means should you be violent, especially against a woman. I don't care how frustrated you are, never... never... NEVER!!! The behavior you're describing goes beyond hormonal changes.

Insist that your wife see a doctor! Pronto! She is displaying possible symptoms of mental-illness. She has been through a lot, and may have been under treatment long before you met her. If she is over 40; it is likely she has been diagnosed years ago; but never shared that information. As Tish1 suggests, she needs to be medically evaluated and treated. So do you; if you would even consider raising your fist to a woman.

The delusions of grandeur and paranoia you described, probably isn't behavior that suddenly manifested since your marriage. That may be something she has dealt with most of her life. The "Queen Bee" arrogance was probably nurtured by her former life-style. The rest is probably part of her suspected illness.

If you feel yourself getting out of control? I strongly suggest you seek counseling to help you to deal with that, and things yet to come.

If she ultimately receives a confirmed diagnosis of mental-illness and/or clinical depression; decide if your marriage is salvageable.

I'm not picking that up in your post. It seems you hardly knew this woman before you married her. You only knew "about" her. As though you read a profile; and never really got to know the person.

I don't think you've been married five years, and suddenly she became this way. You must have dismissed warning signs in denial. People with possible Borderline Personality Disorder can be quite charming and mysterious. They can hide their illness very well. You don't give us much history about your earlier relationship leading to marriage. I will speculate you had a world-wind romance, and rushed to the alter. You've stuck it out, because you didn't want to look foolish for doing so.

Your post sounds like a man who didn't take time to get to know the woman he decided to marry. How did your marriage survive this for five years? You must be afraid of her taking half of what you have. The word "love" doesn't come up one time throughout your post. You are so frustrated with her, you want to hit her?

I don't see counseling as a viable remedy to salvaging your marriage under such volatile conditions. Only to keep you from ending up in prison.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you Tisha, yes she went through menopause during her years of trauma but that happened before I met her.

Concerning medical intervention she does not recognise that there is a problem so it would be difficult to persuade her otherwise. One problem I did not mention is that she is a health, or unhealth, freak who only survives through a constant and inward attention helped by any number of potions and gadgets.

As to the anger management I am a person more likely to flee rather than fight - but I am always concerned that one day when I have had enough, feel trapped without a way out, then I might lash out in the heat of the moment.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (12 June 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntLet's review.

She had a pretty decent life.

Then, her husband died. She found out she was penniless. She had to move far away from her friends. She had to move in with and take charity from her daughter.

Just ONE of those is considered a traumatic life event.

Now, she shows all the signs of depression. Depression is a medical condition, you know.

Did she also happen to go through menopause over this period? Do you have any idea what happens to women who are menopausal? Besides the internal changes, the hormonal changes, etc.? Women who are 'of a certain age' become invisible in society. They are overlooked and ignored by most people. Combine that with a depression and you have all the makings of exactly what you have going on. Sheer frustration, unhappiness, helplessness. She can't help it.

I understand that you might feel depressed by this but you don't seem to be terribly empathetic to her personal trauma and tragedies, and how they may have set her up for this illness.

If she slowly grew a large tumor on a breast, what would you do? Or if she developed a bleeding sore that never healed? Or she started losing weight to the extent that she looked extremely ill?

Of course, you'd take her to the doctor.

She needs to be seen by her doctor and diagnosed and treated. If it needs medication, so be it, get her the medication. If it needs talk therapy, get it for her.

Now, you have said that you have concerns that you will actually use your fists on her. Is that a real threat or is this just your helplessness talking? Because if you are having anger management issues and self-control issues, then you too need an intervention.

Get the both of you into the doctor's office AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. If you can afford to pay for private care, DO IT. And get yourself into counseling or a support group. You need to take care of yourself as well. Perhaps a couples counseling would be a start but she needs MEDICAL intervention.

Good luck.

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