A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if I am crazy or not. Sometimes I just think I am paranoid due to my own past issues. Sometimes I think I should listen to my gut. I've been with my fiance for 5 years. We've lived together for 2 years. I sometimes feel that he has been or will be inappropriate with my teenage daughter. I pay very close attention to their relationship. I don't see anything really telling me that this is his intention. I never thought anything like this until one day he was pumping gas one day, my daughter was in the back seat and I could see in the rear view mirror that he was staring at my daughter with this odd grin. Then another time, we were at the beach with the kids and my daughter ran from the ocean to the pool at the hotel and he started chasing after her in a playful manner. She was 15. She is very maturely built for her age. It looked weird seeing a 35 year old man chasing a big breasted teenager laughing and jumping into the pool with her. he said he was gonna throw her in. He just left me and my son standing at the ocean. I followed after them and seen the situation as very odd. I called him on it and he said he was just being playful and having fun. He always comments now how she wears clothes that are too revealing. saying her shorts are too short and tank tops show too much skin. Her own father doesn't have a problem with her clothing. My daughter and one of her friends were in the pool. They started splashing him and he splashed back, a waterhose gets involved and the next thing I know he is chasing 2 15 year old girls in bikini's around the house. One time I thought I seen him looking at her breasts through the corner of his eyes, she was wearing a lower cut shirt showing cleavage. but couldn't be sure. But when he seen me turn to look at him, he abruptly got up, acted nervous and said he had to go do something. His reaction was just so abrupt. Another time he was lying on the floor, she walks near him with a skirt on and stops near him, it looked like he was looking up her skirt the way his eyes were averted but I couldn't be sure. He doesn't like any of her boyfriends saying they are losers. which I have to agree on that one. but he is sometimes rude to them, almost like jealous. I've tried talking to her about him, seeing how she feels about him and she says he is fine. Then I found porn on the computer. my first thought was my daughter because she had the lap top at that time. But to be sure, I asked my fiance first. He at first denied it, as he had always said he didn't watch that stuff. Then I approached my daughter and she admitted it. My fiance didn't know I had confronted my daughter and he admitted it the next morning because he knew I was going to confront her on it and didn't want her to take the fall for something he did. but too late she admitted to it. I returned to her and talked to her about these sites, they were disturbing, she admitted to viewing those particular sites. I asked her why did my fiance say it was him when it wasn't. she said maybe he was trying to protect her from getting into trouble. I found that odd. He said he viewed other sites, not those. I had to put my son to bed and fell asleep with him. I woke up and overheard their conversation about his younger years of getting in a fight and going to jail. they were sitting on the countertops across from each other. It seemed to me that he was trying to get down on her level and "relate" to her, but the conversation topic was unusual for a teen girl who is trying to figure out what a man should be. He told me that the other morning, she came into the kitchen while he was making coffee and asked him to zip up her dress in the back. Why he told me this is beyond me, other than he didn't like that dress. I have addressed some of this with him when they occurred and he says she is a child and doesn't see her that way. He says that it bothers him that I would even think that. I had a lot of weird situations while growing up. Most grown men that showed interest in me at all had other motives. My father and I had a distant relationship, but he had inappropriate relationships with teenagers. So sometimes I think I have my own issues and i am projecting onto this situation.
View related questions:
breasts, fiance, jealous, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 June 2011):
Trust and love are the foundations of a successful, lasting marriage. The one is crumbling and I haven't heard much about the second. OP, ask yourself these questions:
- Can you marry this man with these fears in your mind?
Because no matter how many times he'll swear he doesn't view her like that, the seed of doubt is already planted in your head, growing with each occasion you penned down here.
- Do you have the strength to break things off with this man, even when there's no solid proof he feels this way about your daughter, as a preventive tactic? You might never know the truth, not really.
A
male
reader, lsd123  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 tell him directly to nt stare at her with bad intentions..he wud automatically feel bad
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark_25_ +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I know this goes against what everyone else here has said, but I don't think that anything is going on. That's my personal opinion from what you've said. I would still keep an eye on the situation, but rather than going straight in and confronting him / her / them, I would wait until you've got something more concrete rather than basing it on things you think you've seen. In regards to him looking at her breasts, as sad as it is to say, I think 95% of guys would look in the same situation. His reaction afterwards would have probably been out of embarrassment.
But yeah, I'd wait until you've got some more solid evidence.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Absolutely, go ahead and ask your daughter. You should hear her side of the story too. If she could zip it herself and yet asked him without him offering it first, then why did she do it? Observe her carefully and make sure she is not trying to cover up for him or hide anything
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I ask my 16 yr old daughter why she asked him to zip up her dress? She can zip it up by herself, i know the dress he told me about. He said it made him uncomfortable to zip up another female's clothing, but thought he might be overreacting. I told him if a child does something that seems inappropriate and it makes you uncomfortable but you continue then you are breaking boundaries. He didn't like that, but that is how I feel. But my other concern is why did my daughter do that? I don't want to accuse her of anything but it is odd when I know she can do that herself. Should I talk to her about this?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 June 2011):
You are completely right. If an innocent person were in his place and they knew they were being "accused", that person would have dumped YOU immediately. And you can also make out from the body language and the eye contact and the way he generally goes about things.
Of course he will never admit he is interested in your daughter. Its no point ever expecting him to own up. You just need to take care of yourself and your children and stay away from this man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the male poster. I have talked to him about this before and already know exactly what he will say. He will say he isn't interested in my daughter like that. He said she is a child and wouldn't even think of such a thing. He also said he resents the fact that I could even think that. Since I have approached him forwardly, he has changed how he is around her. This is when he started nagging on her clothing. He just seems too concerned with it. he said if that was his daughter, no way would she wear those things. I fight with what is normal and what isn't sometimes. But listening to you all makes me think that maybe my gut is right. That it isn't just my issues from the past with what my father did. It's hard to tell because you don't want to even think that it is even a possibility that someone who claims to love you would do such a thing to your own child, and sometimes you think I'm just being paranoid. Yes, I found it creepy for him to be chasing teenage girls around the house in bikini's and I did flip on them all. he got upset with me, and the girls didn't know what to think, they all looked at me like I was a total "witch". He seems more guarded around her now, like he knows I am paying attention and doesn't want to be accused of anything. Truthfully, if I were a man and innocent I would think I would end it with the woman because if she saw me like that and I was innocent, then she didn't know me at all. But if I was guilty, then I would put up with it because it is true. am i reading that wrong?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (13 June 2011):
Your instincts are right and you must trust them. We dont even know you personally, yet it seems very suspicious from what you tell us; I can imagine that being a mother and observing all this from close quarters must be much, much worse.
Your fiance is shady. He doesnt seem like the right kind of person that your children should be around with. No normal father will ever run around with his teenage daughter and her friend around a pool. Its weird. Its creepy.
Look, we cant expect this man to have "fatherly" feelings for your daughter, because she is not his child. But that doesnt mean that he behaves like a creep either, which he's doing. He sounds like one of those men who dont have too many morals (sorry!!). He is a grown man and while he might not think of your daughter as HIS daughter, he can and should treat her like a young girl growing up. There should be boundaries from his side. He should know how to conduct himself.
Do you realize how he's building his ground? He's projecting your daughter as slutty, even though she's a normal teenager. He is slowly trying to get you to see HER in a negative way. Like, her clothes are too tight, or her boyfriends are bad or SHE asked me to zip her dress up. And "Protecting" her by taking the blame for the websites is a way to show you how much he cares about her; he's the "good" guy. He knows very well that you WILL confront your daughter and then think, awwww, my fiance is such a wonderful man, trying to protect my daughter! By doing this, he is slowly constructing a wall, so that if he ever even tries do something and your daughter resists, he will shove it all on her saying, oh she's loose, she keeps pushing herself in my face, she's interested in me!!
Please follow your gut instinct. If you feel something isint right, then it isint. This guy is upto no good. He's shady, seedy and just plain untrustworthy. You can do much better than him. For the sake of your daughter and yourself, stay away from him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I think it is normal for any guy to be somewhat attracted to a young woman in the house. You have to cut him slack on that, as gross as it sounds.However, it sounds like he is uncomfortable with the way he feels about your daughter. Commenting about her mode of dress and telling you about zipping her up is his way of saying that she gives him sexual feelings.He may have a point about the way she dresses or he may just be trying to fight off inappropriate feelings. It is hard to say how much your own jealousy plays into this. I would sit him down and say something like:"I have seen the way you look at my daughter and I don't like it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know she is very mature for her age and I can understand why she might attract attention, but it there something we need to talk about?"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I concur. Trust your gut. It doesn't sound like it's physical at this point, but I do think your fiance pays your daughter more attention than is appropriate. He may not have crossed the line but he is dancing on it. And I'm concerned about your daughter covering for him about the porn. Get rid of him now. Don't give him a chance to cross the line.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011):
I must agree to the person below me.
Firstly:: you stated that you had feelings that something did or will happen. That's not good at all. If you have any feelings that this could happen, you should end it.
On so many reasons. Your daughter. Is the main one.
From the actions that you have caught him in with your daughter and her friend[s].
I would listen to my mothers instinct and act apon it.
Another thing you need to think of is " If he really is just being playful, how other people/parents will look at it" If I saw a man playing like that with my child I would flip. On him, on my child, and on his gf/wife. What im trying to say is, What do you think could happen.
You are here for advice.
The best I can say is.
This guy is trouble, for your daughter and you.
On any level.
...............................
|
