A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A short question , just want opinions on being enough physically for a boyfriend . My boyfriend has given me a percent, and a value to what number he finds me attracted at 45 percent , should I be anyoed by this I never asked to be given a percentage he came out with it yesterday as.the truth out of the blue .He says he finds everything we have , do together 100 percent .Sure I be worried he dont find me as attractive as I thought he did at the start cause yes I do suffer from insecurities from my past realtionships at times I do not feel good enough in my looks . It's hard to trust fully , and believe he loves me despite he has admitted he isnt hardly attracted to me ,I asked him what part of me physically that he isnt attracted about me.and he wont give me an answer .I feel he could cheat in the furture and possibly leave me cause I feel he should make me feel like I beaufuial and never of said a percent, how can I feel to carry on when he feels this way everyday when he looks at me .I know love is skin deep and you can fall in love without being physically attractive.I personally would never say an opinion on if someone I was with is good looking or not unless I was joking about it .he says hes sorry but something is off about it all , everything else is fine about us just I thought he would find my beaufuial no matter what like I believed all this time . I never expected him to say I dont find me beaufuial to my face , it's very hurtful in a time where I only lost my father last week makes me believe I do anything for my father to give me a cuddle and tell me everything will be ok . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): Wondering if you can give us a follow up to how the talk with your boyfriend went?
Did he clarify what he meant by his comment? Does he stand by being less than half attracted to you? Did you break up with him?
Thanks & hope you are doing okay.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): If I had a boyfriend, husband, partner start to JUDGE me with percentages, even if, as Code Warrior says, it all then added up to 100%, they would be 100% gone!!
What a patronising thing to do.
AND, if it is, as Code Warrior suggests, a lovely thing to say, just another way of saying 'You are 100% to me,' then WHY did your boyfriend remain silent when you were upset by this comment? Why did he not explain his lovely meaning behind it? Why didn't he say, 'Oh honey, you've taken it wrong! I meant you are 100% if I add up your looks and the fun we have together!' ?? (Which is a gross thing to say to someone anyway). Why did he remain mysteriously silent? Because in my opinion, this was not a nice comment at all. It was done to make you feel insecure. And he has succeeded. If I were you, I would get shot of this man, because his comments, EVEN if taken at face value, are disturbing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): That was an abusive comment made by a person who doesn't love you. It seems to me he wants to be in control. Its not equal in my opinion. He says that to keep your self esteem low because he knows you will keep trying harder to impress him and keep him. He is insecure about himself. And shouldn't be in a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): I think you should clarify if he meant what code warrior said. That sounds very very likely. If that's what he meant then i would be a very happy woman to hear that.
Logically, if he did not care so much for looks, it is contradictory that he would rate you so low for looks..or even rate you for looks at all.
Men do give a high weightage to looks although a great personality and compatibility is important for having a sustainable attraction. So I doubt he would even be with someone he considers only a 4.5!
Or was he mad at you for asking him repeatedly about looks..and so said 45 percent out of annoyance? I feel like there is some kind of communication gap, miscommunication or a contextual issue here.
If not, and he truly means that he rates your looks to be 45 on 100 then I would reconsider being in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 April 2020):
 I’d have asked for an elaboration on that as it can be understood in different ways as has been shown here. It was a needless comment and it was bound to cause offence, I think most people would be caught off guard with a comment like that to be honest, especially from their partner.
If you still have unresolved feelings over the issue then I’d bring it back up, get everything out on the table and get the definitive meaning from his mouth and then decide where to go from there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): This guy thought it is insulting to rate you at 100% because beauty fades over time and you could accuse him of being momentarily attracted to you as a plaything so he judged to say that he was into you for your looks but his love for you was the other part of the answer.
His love for you he says is greater than the attraction to your looks.
His judgment tells me he is a deep thinker.
He wants to seem to understand how women think, but it is also pre-emptive because he knows if he said attraction was 95% then you could come back to him saying 'oh ..so you only love me 5%?'
It's all a bit childish but it's basically a trick question with no perfect answer.
That's why he stayed so close to the 50% mark because he knows you'll get back on his case whatever he says.
It's a bit like calling chocolate orange desert 'orange with a touch of chocolate'!
Keep his mind occupied with a new task , something like 'If we had a pet dog and it got run over would you consider it to be a natural death or an accident?' No one can possibly know what he would think you meant.
Would you be referring to his manhood or a dog that goes 'woof' or maybe both?
Watch the stunned expression on his face.
His best answer would be 'a natural accident?' rather than a 'what kind of dog?' or maybe he would come at it from another angle and ask what the dog ate the day before, just in case the food made the dog ill and then it wandered into the road and got accidentally and naturally run over by him or you or someone else!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): I would have a huge problem with this. Unless Code warrior has the correct interpretation? Maybe ask your bf to explain what he means 1 more time before you make your decision...
If he means what you and I think he means, then I would dump him SO, so fast.
First of all, why is he even telling you this? What can be gained? He WANTS to make you feel insecure. He made a very calculated decision to tell you this in order to bring your ego down a notch. Keep you on your toes and worried. To build himself up at your expense, and make you worry you aren't good enough for him. If you REALLY aren't good enough for him, then he could have just broken up with you without insulting you like this. I think, in spite of what he says, he IS attracted to you, but wants to tear you down, which is manipulative AF IMO. This is not a nice man you are dealing with, and more comments like these will come.
What are you supposed to do with this information? He wants to see if you will degrade yourself enough to stay when he tells you he is 60% NOT attracted to you (by his reasoning...). He wants to see how far he can push this and if he has you wrapped around his finger.
And if what he says IS true (which again I think it is more likely he just wants to tear you down, which is just as bad IMO), but if we take him at HIS word as an HONEST and HONORABLE man...do you really want to stay with someone who is less than halfway attracted to you??? Hell no. There are so many different body types, facial types and variety out there. AND there are men who are attracted to a million different things. Why not find someone who enjoys ALL of you for you? Believe me, no matter what you look like there will be a man who prefers it that way, or at least starts to prefer it that way when he falls in love with you.
I had a relationship in the past where a boyfriend said things along your bf's lines (but not as bad as what yours said). He always gave backhanded compliments that had an edge (like "if your body was rated on tv, it may not get 10/10, but yeah I like your body"- like okay no one asked how tv would rate it...but...thanks?)
I personally have an issue with men who bring ratings and statistics in to appearance in the first place. I find it degrading and unnecessary.
Furthermore, your bf said he was only ATTRACTED to you 40%,, which is worse than saying you're only 40% attractive.. attractiveness is how good looking you are, attracted-ness is how much they desire you. Your partner can (and should) be 100% ATTRACTED, desiring, even if both people in the relationship know that they aren't 100% attractive, if you know what I mean?
I am not the greatest looking female in the world by any means. But my husband is attracted to me fully and expresses that regularly. I have friends who are overweight or what society considers funny looking, and their partners express how beautiful they are all the time. So, this is NOT an issue with you. It is NOT about you being flawed in some way. EVERYONE is flawed in some way. If he doesn't feel passion or attraction for you, then dump him and find someone who does.
Wiseowle is right that his comments are foolishness, however I feel Wiseowle is incorrect in advising you that it is no big deal, because we shouldn't care about appearance so much. I agree that we shouldn't care about appearance, but wanting your ONE AND ONLY PARTNER to be attracted to you, to feel desire for you, is a big deal. You don't need to be a beauty queen to have a partner who is 100% attracted and 100% excited to sleep with you. I know that is not too much to ask.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): If he’s only 45 percent attracted then perhaps he’s not the right guy for you . I certainly wouldn’t be putting in 100 percent to a relationship where a man only felt 45 percent attracted to me . Heck I do t think that’s even worth bothering with
Why not find someone where the attraction is strong on all levels , mental emotional and physical
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): I think men and women are going to answer your question differently due to gender-specific perspectives. However, we will reach a consensus; because all this spells d-r-a-m-a!
I think his comment deserved nothing more than an eye-roll; not a lift by ambulance to the therapist's office!!!
Common-known facts:
Nobody's perfect! Boyfriends are replaceable; if you can find one, you can find another-one. You don't instantly-transform into whatever creature people tell you that you are. Self-esteem is homegrown, self-maintained, and can be self-restored. Unchecked/Unmanaged-insecurities kill relationships!!! Nobody has to cater to, or tiptoe around, our insecurities. Everybody's got imperfections, opinions, and booty-holes! Not everybody was born to be a super-model. Not everybody can land themselves a super-model as a girlfriend or boyfriend! People will say hurtful things for as long as you'll live. Average means the norm! If your boyfriend dumps you for a better new-girlfriend...news flash...you can find a new and better boyfriend!!! (*Provided you put a cap on your insecurities and get-a-grip!)
Your boyfriend made a statement that is pointless, useless, and has no sensible application in the realm of reality. It was an opinion he pulled out of his bum. I am totally certain he is sorry he ever mentioned it at this point; but please, enough with the dramatics already!!! Forearm to the forehead, spin-around, swoon, and faint to the floor in slow-motion! Drama-queen style! A true case of the vapors!
Snap-out-of-it!!!
Guess what, you live in a modern opinionated-society who will look at your image on any given social media site...and some will rate you high, and some will rate you low, and some will rip you apart. If you take all this nonsense seriously...girlfriend, you are going to lose your mind!!!
We live in a social media culture of "likes," opinion polls, and most sites(including this one) encourage public-ratings. We have websites specifically dedicated to opinions and ratings; and you cannot allow someone to decimate your self-esteem based on a subjective evaluation. Knowing full-well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What's his rating on manhood from 1-10? Is he a cocktail weenie or kielbasa? Is he the hottest boyfriend you've ever had? Run these things through your mind when men measure you on a scale regarding your looks. Falling all apart and being so tragically-devastated by such foolishness is getting totally out of hand. Nobody has that much power over your self-esteem; unless you give it to them!
Why would you give anyone such power over you???
Let me also be blunt about all this foolishness with people getting all turned inside-out about assessments of their looks. I don't care how hot you are, somebody out there is hotter; and somebody out there isn't that impressed. Our society feeds on fake-compliments and false positive-reinforcement; and feel everybody should love them. Look-out, you are going to get hit with a big dose of reality!
The reality is, not everybody will like anybody!!! Those with a huge number of likes from fake-friends on their social media accounts still have a handful of thumb's-downers who can't be bothered, nor impressed! Those are the ones who'll make the most impact on them; because they steal a little piece of that glory. They take the wind out of your sails, and bring our soaring-egos back down to earth! So he doesn't place you up there in the upper-percentile? Well, what does it say about him? Can he do better? Who died and made him king of ratings and assessments, and the one-man panel of judges at the beauty pageant??? He better be one hot-looking mo-fo for you to be writing DC all turned-out about something he said that is so stupid!
If he's some average-looking run-of-the-mill "Joe-blow" and you're all bent out shape over such nonsense. Your problem is not what he said; but it's that you took it seriously!!!
Girlfriend, get-over it and get-a-grip!!! You will never be be the first, last, or only woman he is attracted to; nor will he be the first, last, or only man you're attracted to.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 April 2020):
 If Code Warriors explanations in the "correct" interpretation i can kind of see that what he said wasn't so bad at all.
It just means that he VALUE your personality OVER your looks.
If he means something more to the like of you are less that half as attractive as the women he usually goes for, then dump his ass.
However, who the F over the age of 15% divide how they feel up in %?
Love isn't skin deep. LUST is. Beauty is.
Maybe before you get hurt feelings over what he said, HAVE him elaborate. Because saying he is 45% attracted to you is just a weird statement if it stands alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): Yes, it matters and I’d be annoyed too. There was no reason for him to say that unsolicited, other than to make you insecure. My guess is he was able to sense you were already feeling insecure, and decided to use it to his advantage. It’s also crummy for him to “rate” your attractiveness with a percentage, then leave you in the dark on what it is specifically he doesn’t find attractive about you. That all the more makes me think it’s a game to him. Leave you wondering what it is so you’ll keep dwelling on it, scrutinizing every inch of your body, and deepening your insecurities as a result. He knows what he’s doing.
Excuse my language, but to hell with that. Find yourself someone who doesn’t play mind games and will treat you with respect. It may SEEM like a superficial reason to leave him, but it isn’t.
Oh, and even if I’m wrong about his motive, it’s still a valid reason to leave him. There are plenty of guys who would both love you AND be physically attracted to you. You don’t have to settle for one or the other. His statement will continue to bother you regardless of motive. You won’t trust him, as the seed of doubt has now been planted.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2020):
 Uhm. In your place, I'd leave him. Not out of revenge for not
judging me " the fairest of them all ", of course, but because mutual attraction is too scarce to keep the relationship intimate and interesting in the long run.
One thing is to say something like : " Maybe your body is not perfect , but I love your imperfections too " or " I don't need to date a model , what I want , and what you've got , goes way beyond looks " or other things to signify that his attraction is deeper than skin deep ( although, frankly, I don't see the need to bring up, or to debate, each other's looks in a couple, it may be a sensitive point for many people and one that may beget misunderstandings and hurt feelings.. ). But being attracted physically only at 45 %- basically means that is more °NOT° attracted than attracted. So, at the end of the day,... he is not attracted . Not enough for a romantic relationship.
Sure, getting along and having compatible personalities and lifestyles is more important than physical attraction. Meaning that , if you ONLY have physical attraction , and nothing else in common, things are destined to fizzle pretty soon. But the opposite is also true, if you only get along and understand each other etc.etc. ...you can have a beautiful friendship, maybe, but sure not a long term sexual / romantic relatuionship. For that, you don't need overwhelming passion and off-the-charts chemistry , OK,... but surely more than a measly 45% attraction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): HI
Forget about WHAT he said for a minute and let's concentrate on the WHY he said it.
He KNOWS full well how he's made you feel by telling you this information, which I don't believe he really thinks.
He isn't stupid. He KNOWS he has hurt you to the core, he KNOWS that he has now made you question your looks and your level of attractiveness to him. He KNOWS that you are now worrying that he doesn't find you attractive and may now cheat.
He has done this to you TO MAKE YOU FEEL INSECURE!
He hasn't just dropped this horrible comment into his conversation with you, ignorant of its effect.
THIS IS AN ABUSIVE TACTIC!
To actually give you a percentage score, to actually rate your attractiveness in such a vile, calculating and demeaning way was all done on purpose to make you feel horrible!! And I'm so sorry to say this, but the fact that he's done this just after your father has died, doesn't surprise me. He knows how sad and vulnerable you will be feeling right now and has used this to his advantage. Oh yes, abusive people are this calculating, uncaring and unfeeling. They are quite able to watch you fall apart as a result of their actions and their words with no remorse.
He is laughing up his sleeve now at his nasty ways. Thinking how clever he is, being able to make his girlfriend feel so shit about herself, that she will stop believing she is at all attractive and will therefore start to believe that she wont be able to attract any other man.
Do you know why people behave in this atrocious, abusive way? It's to destroy your confidence in yourself, to get rid of any self-esteem you may have had and thereby make sure that you are unlikely to leave him. He wants you to start feeling appreciative that you're with him. If you allow him, he will continue to insult you and your appearance until you believe you are worthless and lucky to have him. That is what abuse is all about. About destroying you from the inside out, so that they don't have to worry about you leaving them, so that you become quiet, obedient and subservient. With no confidence to question him ever, but to always question yourself, because he will destroy your ability to judge things for yourself ...if you stay.
I have been in three abusive relationships and can now recognise abusive tactics miles away. I have educated myself on the subject so that I could understand what had happened to me and to try to help others, who do not understand this phenomenon.
There is a brilliant book which I'd like you to read, because if this is the only nasty behaviour your boyfriend has shown so far, I will guarantee you that will see more....if you stay. And this book will teach you about abuse and other abusive tactics and, again, if you stay, you will see more. And they will all be intended to make you feel as you are feeling now.
You KNOW there's something wrong here, you've said so in your post. "It feels off". Ignore your gut instincts at your peril. You're with a nasty piece of work. If you don't believe me, ask yourself, "Would a loving and supportive human being EVER say something like this to another person?" Regardless of who they are and what relationship they're in? Also ask yourself, "If my sister, friend, niece, whoever, came to me and told me that their boyfriend had said something as low as this to them, what would I think of that boyfriend?"
Please read, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It is an empowering eye-opener to read. The scales will fall from your eyes and you will see this man for what he is. The author is an eminent psychologist who was chosen to work either one to one or in groups, with abusive men who had been told either by the courts or by their other halves, that if they didn't change their ways, next time was prison, or next time, the girlfriends/wives would be leaving them. He did this for fifteen years and boy, did he learn about the abusive mindset. About the two-faces that he came to know about. The one face which was presented to him throughout the course, e.g. 'I know I have to change, I know I have work to do on myself' etc etc and the face that these men presented at home. Because these men didn't know that the Professor was actually in contact with their other halves, secretly of course, and he learnt that when they got home, they were exactly the same abusive people they'd always been, threatening violence or actually perpetrating it, because they were being made to attend this course.
This is why counselling does not help. It only helps the abuser, who gets inside the mind of their other half and uses what he learns, against her. He knows he's doing wrong and as long as he gets what he wants from his actions, he doesn't care. Counselling most definitely does not change this.
Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself, because you may not believe that your boyfriend is abusive. Yet. If you stay, I guarantee you that in months, years to come, he will show more abusive behaviours and make you so unhappy, that you will no longer doubt it.
He's already started. He's already made such a nasty, low comment to you, that you've come here for help. Please read the book and hopefully you'll see him for what he really is, before he makes you any unhappier. In time, you will recognise the abusive tactics from the book, which your boyfriend will be using.
Good luck and if/when you decide to leave, do so safely. Abusive men don't like it when you call the shots and decide to leave. It will help you with how to leave in the book.
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