A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 27, he’s 32). I'll be the first to admit that even after all these years, I am by nature a very insecure person. I have issues with his sexual past, his ex's, etc. As time has past I've come to better terms with them, but jealousy sometimes still rears its ugly head.The reason I'm asking this now is to get some insight on whether or not I'm overreacting, or if this is something I should be concerned about…...His ex girlfriend ("Laura"), his self confessed 'first love'. They were friends for 6 years, dated for 3. They broke up 3 years before he and I met, and according to him were nothing more than good friends. He stated that he had of course mourned the relationship when it ended, but that he had gotten over his feelings long ago, and that they remained now nothing more than friends. Unfortunately I came across some printed out emails of his a few days ago. Pages upon pages of emails that he wrote to her a mere 2 months before we met that detail his deep love and undying affection for her (When I see you, if I feel your presence it's like it takes over my heart and suddenly it's in your hands)…( I should of tattoo'd your name on my chest. Because if i'm going to be this sad, pathetic loser without you, if after all these years i still can't get over you, I should at least be labeled to caution others).The emails (the ones I found anyway) stop in August of that year (he and I met in September).But then they start again a few months into our relationship. This time they are not professions of love, but they are most definitely flirting (I hope you're enjoying the holidays with friends and family and maybe even some good x-mas loving from some special guy, of course if not, you know my number) (I hope you know that there's at least one person…me…who thinks you really are the best most wonderful gorgeous loving woman in the world and wishes you always the best despite my inability to spend to much time with you without having my heart melt).We broke up twice during our 3 year relationship for about a month at a time (the first time was a few weeks after he wrote the above letter). He wrote her very frequently during both these breaks. Granted he did mention in a few emails that he missed me and wanted to contact me, but for the most part he was pining over what a great relationship they had had, and what a fantastic loyal and loving friend she was proving to be. After we got back together, the letters start up again a year into our relationship. This time the emails are friendly and have the tone of two friends banter, but there are two occasions on which he made plans to hang out with her (to walk her dog in the park, watch American Idol, etc) and I have emails from him to me on the same day stating that he was tired, didn’t feel much like hanging out, and would just be at home. The last email contact I found was from about 5 months ago, and its just friendly back and forth (how ya doin, how's life, etc). He still emails her occasionally (she works in the same field as he does and he's looking for work so he gets career/job heads up from her, her dad is an accountant and is helping him do his taxes cheaply, etc). Am I crazy for feeling angry/conflicted confused about this?
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broke up, cheap, ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, his ex, insecure, jealous, sexual past, tattoo Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous, and thank you domu kun.
domu, you've given me hope.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Hi. It sounds as if he was on the rebound when you met him. Im in a similar relationship with a guy. We`ve been together 4 years and he had awful trouble letting go of his ex. They arent even at the polite stage yet, things still very raw for him...after all this time too! It sounds as if slowly your guy is thinking of her less and less in a romantic way but it could just be paused for the moment, you will never really know. It was wrong of him to be emailing her the way he did. And wrong of him to have made excuses to you while making plans with her. Its a difficult call but i think he may still be in love with her. The only way you could really find out is with a lie detector. Ive actually thought about that with my guy. He said go ahead as when he tells me he loves me, he thinks he would pass a truth test. Thinks lol. We can never really know with them, we just have to trust what they tell us and try not to look too closely at their actions!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's so hard to hear. Wouldn't it be great if we only fell in love with people who loved us back with the same honestly and intensity? Alas. Now to gather up the strength to walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Domo. The only thing I would like to clarify (everything else you pointed out is spot on) is that in the last two years, there is no evidence that he has contacted her romantically. He has remained in contact (lets say once a month average) regarding jobs, but that's the extent of it.
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