A
male
age
51-59,
*rontalmystic
writes:I am struggling to understand and very hurt, I need help, someone to talk to. My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years. I started going with her shortly after she went through her second divorce. We have had the classic ups and downs in our relationship. I see her as a controlling person, the type of person always wanting to have conversations on her terms, want me to do things for her on her terms, wanting me to take keen interest and join in any current hobbies that she has, etc. However, if she's not intersted in what I am doing, my hobbies, my interests, etc. she wouldn't waste a minute telling me that she's not really intersted. It's crazy, but I love her and her two kids dearly and she knows I would do anything for them. Our sex life was bad from the start. A few months into our relationship, I suffered from ED (I think due to life stress) this went on for a while but I eventually got over it and everything on my end worked fine. She never had a full orgasm with me the whole time we were together and I always felt de-huminized over it. She blamed me for a long time, saying that I didn't get help with my problem when it arose and it caused relationship problems with her that she never got overShe also blamed me for never spending time with her when we first got together, although we have lived together for seven years and were together every day. When we first got together, I had recently purchase my first home as a bachelor and spent a lot of time fixing it up, etc. Recently, she told me that she wasn't attracted to me physically or sexually, and that she didn't know if she ever was and that my body was ok from the neck down but that I didn't have the looks which exited her. And that's probably why she didn't ever have an orgasm with me. We rarely have sex becuase she doesn't want to do it, saying she's not sexually satisfied. She blames me for not fixing things in the house as fast as she wants although I pay ALL of the bills. Regardless, our relationship has always been affectionaite, and she cuddles me every night. She started going to a counsilor to help with some problems she admits that she has. Soon, she asked me to go and it was hard because the sessions were during my working hours. I missed several and she gave them up citing that I was not interested in going. But I was, I just couldn't leave work early every week to do it. Recently, she found a relationship course in the evenings and I agreed to go. We went one time. The next night everything was fine until she went to and came back from the store and then sat me down and said she rented an apartment and was moving out. THEN she told me it was right down the street and that she NEEDED to live on her own to see if she could, manage to live on her own and to figure out her issues and to see if she would ever love like she should. She said that she really loved me and wanted me to stay in her life but that she didn't expect me to wait around. She lived on her own before we got together and she financially struggled. So she been there and done that! She tells me: I love you but I am not emotionally connected to you and I am not physically connected to you. I need to do this (move out) because I hate this house (our house isn't really that bad) and that I failed to complete ongoing remodeling projects over the last three years and that she's tired of living like that. However, I pay all the bills and work really hard to support them....Is this any reason to move out?That she doesn't know what she wants in the world, that she's going to continue counsiling, books, etc. to figure out if she loves me. That she wants to be able for us to go on vacation, kids come to see me, back and fort to each others houses, dating etc.. and hopes we can be friends. That she has to figure out if she can be connected to me and want me. Get the picture? I told her this this is a one way decision that she was making uniliterally and that she can't have it both ways. I CANNOT, WILLNOT be just "Friends" and run over to fix things for her, etc. I can't emotionally handle this. I don't want to be used. I tried to reconcile with her to stay because she is taking my family and one of the dogs away from me. It is really upsetting the kids. One of them is determine to stay with me. However, I don't think this is a good idea. I am the only man in their lives who's every really cared about them, and they know it. When she sat me down and told me I got the "it me and not you" story and that she need to do this (move out) for her. She told me that I am a wonderful guy which she loves very much and that she hopes she can get her life straightened out. I am deeply and emotionally upset as she was the one person I truely loved, I never cheated on her and was home for her every night. Around whenever she needed me. I am so sad. She started moving out yesterday and has taken an all business approach. She's actually upset that I will not help her move into her new home! I would feel differently if she were staying at her moms house for a while or something, to clear her head however, she's rented an apartment and is moving everthing out! This certainley has a finality to it!Do you think she is unstable? Is there something wrong with me? Have I just been used all of these years?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): You know what, this is for the best...from what you say about what she has said to you and her reasons for doing this, this is truly all about her and not about you. She sounds very selfish and even shallow, I feel sorry for her kids as they are the ones that are suffering because their mother is such a flake.
Don't beat yourself up for this or try to analyze what happened to death, I know it is hard, your heart is hurting and your brain wants to help out and make the pain go away, but you can't come up with a logical reason for this break up as they are always based on an emotional decision....sorry to say...nothing you can do to make her want to stay.
I would definately not go on any vacations with her, she sounds like she wants to continue using you to take care of her this and that, but if I were you, don't fall into that trap as it will keep you stuck in a place you don't want to be.
Look on this as an opportunity to improve your life and find an even better relationship, one that is reciprocal and where the woman is actively loving you, you sound like a nice guy, don't let her poop all over you, you don't deserve it.
As far as the kids, go they are her kids, but since you have been their dad for the last 10 years, if you want to I would still see them without her.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 March 2008):
 I am sorry you are going through this heartbreaking situation. It really sounds to me like this woman is taking, taking and taking. You have given all that you can and she has given you a family life that was less than acceptable.
This was a long term relationship which probably wasn't nurtured as it should have been. To me, you are in the ending stages of this relationship and I think you should not be at her beckon call. If she wants to live on her own, fine. You should move on with your life. I know it will be hard as you have an attachment to her kids but they are her kids. Do not go on a "family vacation" with them. The kids need to understand your new place in their lives to, no sense confusing them.
As hard as all of this will be for you, you need to draw a line and decide to live your life for you. Don't you want to get back your hobbies that interest and excite you? Don't you want someone who will be supportive and who will love you for your good qualities and accept what you can not give? I hope this woman gets her life straightened out but I REALLY hope you get your life back on track.
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A
male
reader, Dave70 +, writes (2 March 2008):
 u got hit to hard with ur mamas rollin pin. put yr boots on and hang yr hat cuz this pretty lady gonna get more and more ugly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Oh gosh you poor thing, I think you should start to look at yourself and not at all the things she wants you to do and be to please her. she is very critical but perhaps its all shes ever known or grown up with. look at her parents, what were they like, what was her mum and dads relationship like? however this is wrecking havoc on your self esteem. I wouldnt waste any more time. if you love this woman its alarming that you do so much when she clearly doesnt respect you. this is something in you that must be examined. you are a good and wonderful person and dont deserve this treatment. the fact that she was upset that she wanted you to help her move into her new house, thats just beyond a joke! if you act like a doormat you will be treated like one. It's time now to look at YOU, and start respecting yourself. treat yourself to a break, or a hobby without critisism, have a makeover! make some plans to be good to YOU and to get to know the wonderful person you are! once you treat yourself with more respect other people will too. this situation has been very damaging and you must repair and love yourself as soon as possible. maybe get counselling to find out why you allow yourself to be disrespected for so long. and meet other people, make new friends, buy a cat, whatever, just stay away from negative nasty dialogue and situations for a while and you will see the difference. you will know you are worth a hell of a lot more!good luck with it all!
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