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Do you think once he sees my bump he might change his mind and stay with me?

Tagged as: Dating, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *un5353 writes:

Hi

I am 35 and my bf is 46. I was married before but not children. He does not have either but said that want a family and kids. We have been dating for 7 months and by accident I got pregnant. He was furious and wants me to terminate it. I had one 10 years ago and got very depressed after that. Never fully recovered from it. I am afraid If I do it again I will be a wreck. I told him everything but he says that he does not feel relationship is not right. That something is missing.

He is english and I am Italia and we have our cultural differences. I want to keep the baby if he is with me otherwise I am not strong enough to bring a child on my own. He will recognise the child but he says that he will not be with me and he will start dating again looking for the right woman for him.

What shall I do? This happened 4 days ago and today he was more affectionate towards me but because he believes I am considering terminating it. Is there a chance he can change his mind? Before I told him about the pregnancy he was behaving really nice. His mind is very scientifc and he has a list of qualities he expects from someone. Apparently I don't fit that list.

He says we see the world differentely and he cannot have a proper conversation with me and that is important for him. Do you think when he sees the child growing on me and after the birth he might develop feelings and change his mind?? What shall I do??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

If you honestly don't believe you can keep it on your own, please consider adoption. It is a beautiful process that allows you to give the ultimate gift of love to your unborn child- life. You will also give to a couple something they can never achieve on their own- a child. There are so many people in the world who will never be able to give birth to their own child who are on waiting lists just waiting for some infant to become available.

So I say you should either give your child up for adoption or attempt to raise it yourself. I am pro-choice, but the past has made it obvious that you are not able to abort this child. Try talking to your man about why you don't think you can handle an abortion mentally, and discuss alternatives such as adoption with him... But at the same time, this might be your last chance due to age to have your own conceived child. At your age, like said before, your fertility is declining RAPIDLY.

Good luck.. Sorry you have to go through this. That man is a controlling JERK.

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A male reader, rivi United States +, writes (1 August 2010):

I agree with Cheeks.

As a male myself he comes across to me as unreasonable - but that is how he is and he is not going to change because you defy him and have the baby.

You say you don't think you can bring up a baby alone : but your attitude to that may just change during the pregnancy. If it does not then there is always the option of adoption at birth - there is a massive surplus of stable couples who can't have children desperate to adopt.

If you are still anguished over the abortion you had ten years ago then in your heart you know you cannot do it again - and even if you did your relationship with this man would be destroyed by the guilt over the terrible thing you had allowed him to persuade you to do.

DON'T think he is going to change his mind. You have effectively lost him whatever you do. Move out or tell him to move out as I strongly suspect things could get worse when he realizes you're keeping the child. [ Or at least giving birth to it at 9 months with an option for adoption.] And tension or stress ( or might he become physical ? ) could provoke miscarriage.

And don't forget - you are coming up to the age when actually getting and staying pregnant can be difficult. If you ever want children this could actually be your last chance.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (1 August 2010):

Odds agony auntI can tell you he won't change his mind. He has made his thoughts clear; there is nothing for him to gain by saying this and meaning something else.

If you want a child, you should probably have this one. At 35 your fertility is in rapid decline, and your chance of a healthy conception is much less than it was just a few years ago. On the other hand, finding a new man in your mid-thirties with a newborn is going to be very difficult as well. Only you can decide how to handle that part of the situation.

If you have the kid, you'll have to raise it on your own. If he's offering child support, take it; otherwise, the ethical choice would be not to force it. Your body and fertility are entirely your own, and with that freedom comes the responsibility. No woman would let a man prevent her from getting an abortion, so she shouldn't force him to pay if he chooses. Still, legally speaking, in Britain you can get child support if you want it. Your choice.

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A female reader, LyricStorm United States +, writes (1 August 2010):

LyricStorm agony auntDO NOT DO IT!!!!

He is a inmature child and doesn't even deserve to be with you..

It is not that babies fault that you all had unprotected sex and now the baby is there in your stomach. I think it is so dishonorable to tell a women to terminate the baby cause you dont want it, if you did want a baby you shouldnt have had unprotected sex..

Why abort a helpless baby because your not ready you became ready when you had sex!!!!

I hope this is not harsh but it just what needs to be said..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

Your boyfriend cannot force you to have an abortion. The baby is in your body, and you get to decide what to do with it. He's using the abortion as a form of control: You have an abortion you don't want to have, and you get to keep him. He sounds very immature, and he's told you outright that you are not his ideal woman.

Why not make it easy on him and break up with him, move on with your life and have your baby! He'll have to pay child support to you since he helped you make the baby. He'll be off the hook of actually raising a child, and you won't have to have an abortion.

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A female reader, Cheeks United States +, writes (1 August 2010):

Cheeks agony auntIf you don't want to have another abortion- don't. But your attitude on your situation is a bit disturbing. You're appear fixated on this man, a man who made it clear to you he isn't interested in becoming a family with you & will never be. A man who expects you to go through the trauma of another abortion because he doesn't want to take responsiblity for his behavior. And now your debating whether or not to use this miracle in your womb as a tool to manipulate an unwilling man. I seriously doubt he will have a change of heart if you should let this child grow passed the point of no return. In fact I think it might be safe to say it may infuriate him. He sounds like a prick by the way you've described him and to me, your idea of: keeping the baby and just hope him seeing the bump changes his mind' sounds hairbrained. And from just the information you've given here- my gut instinct says: FORGET THIS MAN! IGNORE HIM! DON'T ABORT THE BABY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO! -KEEP IT TO TERM & THEN LET SOMEONE ELSE ADOPT HIM OR HER! LET THEM GIVE THE BABY THE LOVE THAT the FATHER HAS ALREADY PROMISED TO NEVER HAVE & THE ALL LOVE FOR the CHILD THAT YOU WON'T FEEL LIKE MUSTERING ONCE THIS MAN LEAVES YOU! I hope you start to see things differently, for this child & for yourself. I promise you a life with this man will only be a nightmare. Just try to accept the reality of the situation & do whats best for this baby. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010):

What he is trying to tell you is that because of your different nationalities there is a language barrier...thus he doesn't feel as close to you as he wants....in other words your relationship doesn't give him everything he wants.

Ask him if he wants to be with you long term, or not.

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