A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, any advice would be hugely appreciated please.I have always been a shy person. I've gone through phases of being better and worse with this depending on other things that have been going on in my life, but overall I thought I was getting much better as I got older. I guess I just need to get to know people a bit before I open up properly, and most people are ok with that.Or I thought so. I've been with my boyfriend for around 5 years, and there have been several occasions where he has commented on my social skills or lack thereof. He is very outgoing, so doesn't understand why I'm not a social butterfly myself or why I can't just speak to people freely and easily. He has made it clear that this is an issue and I have always agreed because this is something I am personally sensitive about and would love to change.However, I realised today that I am worse than I have ever been when speaking to new people. I get quite panicky now and overanalyse everything I say because I'm sure I come across terribly. I got upset and was speaking to my Mum about it, and she said I don't come across nearly as bad as I think. When she asked me why I believed that, I pointed out that my boyfriend said his friends have commented on it several times (they are all very outgoing too).My mum was furious about that, which I didn't expect, and said she thinks he's set me back years by pointing out my so called flaws and (perhaps unwittingly) putting pressure on me to change them right away.I was in the process of defending him, when I realised that in fact I have never felt worse about myself than I do now. I feel like a social failure and can't do something so basic that everyone else seems to have no problem with. It got to the point where I cried after learning I'd have to take a taxi with a colleague I don't know well. I was never that bad before.I suppose I'm just looking for more opinions on whether you think my relationship is affecting me negatively. I know this is my issue which I'm trying to deal with, but I guess when I think about it I do feel under a lot of pressure to perform socially when my boyfriend is around. Could this have made me worse, or is it what I need and I'm not trying hard enough?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): Hi it's the OP again. I didn't post earlier actually, my boyfriend doesn't pick up on individual things like the other poster, it's more a general 'you come across badly' that I get from him. That makes it worse in some ways because I now assume it's all the time. Anyway, thanks again and I'm going to look at the link I was given and try to bring this up with my boyfriend again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 September 2014):
 Just tell him you WANT to improve, but it HAS to be on your terms and at YOUR speed.
But you do recognize that crying over having to ride in a taxi with someone "new" is an overreaction. And I think you need to find a way to deal with these thing better, what you are doing now (forcing yourself) is not working.
Read some books, be around people you can trust to accept you. Friends who are OK with you being you.
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-Socially-Awkward
Try a few new things when you are UP for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): I think you wrote in about this same problem before, and I answered back then.Your boyfriend is eroding your confidence, for sure, and your Mum is right to point this out.But ultimately it is YOU that is allowing him to do this.Everyone goes through phases of feeling more sociable at times and some people are always more sensitive to social situations just because that's the way they are.When I answered this before, I pointed out that maybe you need to try a different kind of social situation in order to find out what YOU really like. Very few people would be able to relax and feel at ease if their partner had basically put pressure on them to perform like a monkey every time they went out together - it's such a selfish thing for him to do to you. But ONLY you can stop him. I think you fear facing up to the possibility of leaving him, because he's made you have so much self doubt that you might feel like you can't go on without him and will be isolated? The longer you leave it, the harder it will get. Act now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): I'm assuming you're the same person who asked a question earlier regarding your bf pointing out moments when you perhaps slip up or get nervous.If I'm perfectly honest, if you have been together a while and he isn't even trying to understand how you feel I would be re-evaluating the relationship. You're partner is one of the few people in his world you should be able to rely on to be there for you and bring you happiness and confidence. If he is not able to understand you then sometimes people are just too different for things to last.It's unkind of him to call you out when you do something wrong, especially in front of his friends. You've very send of reflected on this and realised that actually his actions have really had a detrimental effect on you. That shouldn't be the case and I can see why your mum was saddened. I reiterate a partner is someone who should out of everyone look out for you. If instead you are becoming more anxious then I would really suggest having a very serious word with him and let him know that if he cannot be supportive with something you find so difficult then you're not sure where the relationship can possibly go. I hope that, if he is otherwise a good bf to you and treats you with kindness and love, he can begin to understand x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): Hi it's the OP, thanks so much for your response Honeypie. I really appreciate it. I guess if I had to describe my feelings in the taxi, it would be that I was overwhelmed. I feel like it's such a massive task having to socialise with people, and I've always been somewhat anxious in these situations, but now it's worse because it's been 'confirmed', at least by my boyfriend, that I suck at it. I feel so stressed and tired of trying to overcome this anxiety and perform properly in social situations that it all got too much. Particularly given that this man is very senior at my company and it was an important event, and I really didn't want him to think I was an awkward loser. Which I always feel like. I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but it's hard not to when speaking to others should come naturally. I feel like my boyfriend is disappointed in me for not being able to act 'normally' and it's a horrible feeling. I will try to talk to him again, but no doubt he'll not understand it as he has no understanding of the concept of shyness/social anxiety nor sympathy for those who suffer from it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 September 2014):
I think because of him pointing it out you are now hypersensitive and anxious to "perform" better to PLEASE your BF first and foremost.
Wanting to be better at social interactions is good, but you ALWAYS have to do it at YOUR pace, and when YOU are ready. We ALL have days where we aren't really UP for socializing (even the butterflies, though they can easily FAKE it) and your BF seems to NOT comprehend that YOU are YOU and NOT being OVERLY social is partly WHO you are. He is pushing for you to be someone else. And I think THAT is what creates the anxiety and almost panic you feel. YOU want so badly to PLEASE him that you are jumping the gun. Forcing yourself to be social has it time and place and can be JUST fine for anyone, but if you feel a constant pressure to "perform" when you really aren't ready it will make it worse.
So yes, I DO think you mom is right.
My suggestion STOP trying to please him by being someone you are not. TRy and socialize more WITHOUT him, when there isn't so much pressure on you. Like with friend and family.
And SIT your asshat of a BF down and explain how his comments are backfiring and not helpful. He has known you for 5 years and if you have always been a bit on the shy side, why does it come as a surprise to him? And who the F cares what his friends think? YOU have to be YOU. Now maybe I should call him an asshat, because maybe he is just trying to help you, but he is doing it in the wrong way.
Though crying over taking a taxi with a co-worker you don't know seems off to me. Was it genuine FEAR or what made you cry?
How is the rest of your life going at the moment are you in a good spot or less good spot? Because that might also be affecting you. Not just you being scared of not living up to your BF's expectations.
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