A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi, i need some honest impartial advice and after reading some of the replys this seems to be the place! Im a 27yrs old nurse,i have 3 children 15yr old boy(from my husbands first marriage) and 5yr old twins (girl and a boy). 2 1/2 yrs ago my husband was involved in a RTA and recieved serious head injurys, he cannot comunicate, is imobile and is completly dependant on his care staff 24hrs a day.I vist 3 or 4 times a week and still love him now as i did on our wedding day. Around 8 months ago my car broke down and a man stopped to help me he stayed until the RAC arrived and gave me his number to let him know i got home safely that night. I rang him and the friendship progressed from there, nothing sexual has happened but i feel so close to this man. He is great with my kids, always kind and helpful and he is so patient. I guess my question is, is it ok to start a relationship with this man? My teenager has already told me that dad would really like this man and would want me to be happy which is true but im scared, i dont want to hurt my friend by starting something then end up feeling like im cheating and ending it.I also havent been kissed in nearly 3yrs, never mind touched or had sex. Im really confused please any thoughts would be appreciated. x
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Thats fab, real pleased. Good luck!C xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thanks for everything you've said so far,and yes Phil im a girl not quite sure what happened there!
I read everything you all wrote and spoke to my husband, although he showed no signs of recognition(this is normal for him now) i feel a lot better for explaining how i feel about my friend. I also spoke to my husbands family, who were fantastic, they told me they never doubted my love for my husband and were happy i felt comfortable enough to let someone close again. They also want to meet him properly(they've seen him before but never really spoken) in time which is so supportive of them. I also explained the situation to all three children, my teenager told me it was about time as he'd hoped we'd get together, and the little ones seemed to understand and were happy that there big brother was happy. I reasured all of them that i wouldn't stop see'ng there farther or ever stop them see'ng him.
Last but not least my friend said he was more than happy to take it slowly and at my pace. He's waited 8months already and seems to think were worth waiting for, and i think he's right!
Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words x
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (29 July 2007):
You need to be as open to the new man and to your children and to your husband, if your husband has any ability to take information on-board as you possibly can be.
I can only imagine what you must be going through to have any chance of offering any advice whatsoever.
I personally do not see anything immoral in you taking this new guy on and if your children are happy to have him around in their lives then surely there is nothing wrong with this.
The only concern I have here is the chance your husband has got of making a gradual improvement from his present position where things could get difficult if you get involved with this fellow. I gather from your question that there is no chance of an improvement in his situation so if he is so affected that he barely recognises you then I can not see how an extra marital relationship (If that is what it is) would concern him.
After the trauma you must have been through over the past two and a half years you surely deserve a little happiness.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (29 July 2007):
 im sorry to hear about your husband. Your husband is ill and you don't want to hurt him, in my opinion i would just see what happens with this guy, and he seems nice, his great with the kids and they like him and you have asked one of your children for advise and they know their dad would be happy for you. so even if something happened between you too the children wouldn't be so upset. i think you should go for it you are respected your husband by going to see him, and im sure he knows he can't fulfil your needs anymore which isn't his thought and im sure he will be happy if you found someone ho could. good luck in whatever you chose to do xxxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 July 2007):
You & your son are gorgeous! I can just tell. What a commited person you are & it must of been bloomin hard work since the accident.
I tell you what, i am with your son on this one as in i would go for it!
Just see how things progress, if you get on really well with this guy, can you speak to him about the situation?
Because you obviously need to take things slow & maybe even slower than most people would take it, so he would need to be patient?
From this side of things it is easy for me to say i know. But i know what i would want if i was your husband.
You deserve to live a life & your children deserve to live a life.
It wont be easy i dont doubt.
But is he a nice guy this knight in shining armour?
Im jealous! That never happens to me when my car breaks down! hehe
Keep us posted.
All the best.
C xxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I think you perhaps ticked the wrong box and you're really a female nurse. Yes?This must be an awful situation to find yourself in. I myself had an accident which resuled in a serious spinal injury which could possibly have meant that I'd spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair and be impotent as well. Fortunately this didn't come to pass, and although I spent the best part of 6 months in hospital, I escaped that fate by the skin of my teeth. So I empathise with you to a high degree.What would I do if I were you? Well, to retrace the steps a little, there were a good few people on the same ward as I who had suffered brain damage as well as a spinal injury. Their wives / husbands used to pick them up for a home visit on a Friday and drop them off like the milk on a Monday morning. The patients had really not much idea of who picked them up or where they had been all weekend. They were mostly in a world of their own. I often wondered how I would feel if I had been in their situation, and came to the conclusion that whatever had happened to me wouldn't really have registered in my mind. I would not have wanted my then partner who, as it happened, eventually ended up as my wife, to have lived a life of celibacy and in any case anything I didn't know about couldn't possibly have concerned me.I suspect your husband would not want you to be tied solely to him the way you've been doing things for the last three years. You are surely entitled to some enjoyment of life. This may not be the teaching of the church, which would tell you that you have to remain faithful until death, but you're too young to follow this mantra, surely?Follow your heart, perhaps even ask your husband how he feels about it if he's got the slightest bit of recogniscence. He may even give you the go ahead, which would be the best possible outcome.Let us know how you get on.Phil
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Slightly different perspective to offer you here but my Grandmother ( widowed ) used to see a man as a companion / friend on dates and just to sit and watch TV sometimes whose wife was in a similar situation to your husband. The family on both sides were pleased with the arrangement because there was no disloyalty, simply respect and caring, on all fronts. However this was my grandmother - she was in her 60's and perhaps sex was not the very first thing on her mind. With yourself you have needs - both emotional and physical and I think you need to be very carefull about how you communicate this with family and friends - some will always say you are stuck with it - but there is a compromise solution. My only concern is that will the other man (either the one you met recently or indeed another) feel able to commit fully on this basis. I would also suggest you seek support from a group such as I think its called 'Headway' or similar for families of brain injured or speak to others in similar situations if you can. I hope from this site there may also be others who have been through this who can help you. You must not feel guilty for your own feelings - you are not disloyal...just human and your teenager is very wise and considerate to offer this advice. Discuss this matter further with people whose opinion you value and weigh up all aspects. I very much hope you find happiness as you are clearly a very caring person.
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