A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Do women in their mid-40's just naturally start reverting back to who they were before marriage?My wife and I have been togethernfor many years. It was always me and her, the two of us together, no matter what. However, now that our kids are a little older and don't need as much time and attention, she seems to be reverting back tonthe girl whom she was when I met her in her early 20's when she would go out almost every night of the week and bounce from guy to guy.We used to always do stuff together the two of us, or as a family, or not at all. now She goes out a lot, often without me. We used to have a number of joint friends - meaning people we both were friends with. Now she has developed many many friendships, a lot of them with people I only vaguely know. She talks and texts to them all the time, about many personal things, including us, to the point where I feel somewhat uncomfortable around them.For example, she has quite a few Facebook friends that i have absolutely no idea even who they are. She texts funny pictures and what not to male work mates. She flashed someone at a bar with her girlfriends and the only way I found out about it was I overheard one of them talking about itMy life is still 100% revolving around her and our kids. I feel jealous a lot, which makes me look pathetics and I would guess unattractive in her eyes. I feel left behind, and basically that one day I will wake up and our marriage will be over. She keeps looking outside our marriage to fulfill many of the things that we used to solely share with each other: emotional things and fun things and connecting, etc etcI really don't know what I can or should do about this. Am I overreacting? Am I resentful of her merely because her life is more full and mine more lacking? Do women just lose that deep connection and reliance on their husbands as they get older? I desperately want feel like I am her "everything", like I always used to, but now I am just one of many things in her life. Help...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is the original OP. I hope that you who have taken the time to already share your thoughts will consider doing so again.
I think my initial anger has gone away. I came clean with my wife and just basically told her what I was thinking. I am really not completely sure what impression this had on her. I certainly did not look very "manly", explaining that I feared that my "slice of her pie" seemed to be dwindling, and that I missed the days when it was mostly me and her on an adventure. Sadly, I think that generally when men express their emotions, they are viewed as weak and unattractive.
My wife was reassuring about her love for me, that she has never cheated and never would. She said that I needed to get over my "lack of confidence" and be the confident man that she fell in love with. I am sure I appeared somewhat pathetic/unconfident in her eyes saying all this stuff (I sure felt pathetic anyway).
We then when out a few nights later with a big group of friends. I told myself to just be cool and not think too much about her actions. Soon she was off with one of the other women, I saw her on the other side of the bar with some bar nic nacks on her nipples (over her clothes). Then, at various times of the evening I would see her talking to random guys at the bar. Sure, she also spoke with me, and I had laughs with others...but I couldn't help but feel there was a significant difference between us and some of the other couple friends who just seem to be more "together".
So, if my goal is to bring us back to the place where we were clearly out "together", having fun chatting and joking with strangers and stuff - but doing so very much as a couple - how do I get there? Back to the days when other couples would comment how great we were together, how clearly in love, and how we have so much fun together. Those times seem to have been replaced by, "your wife is hilarious" or "your wife is so funny" or "I love your wife."
Being clingy, monitoring her behavior, getting mad, clearly do not work. Being a pathetic man who let's her go off and later whines about his feelings, doesn't seem to be a long term solution either. I suppose I could just let it all happen, give no indication that it bothers me, chat up others, including random women, when we are in such situations. The problem with the latter, is that this is what she is happy to do, so wouldn't it just speed up our drifting apart? I really don't know how to get what I want here, namely: a return to the closeness I always felt, and the feeling that I was always her main priority. Please share your thoughts on this.
To respond to some of the other comments, I think I should say that I am far from a bump on the log in these social situations. I do go out, try spicy foods, etc, etc. Whether I am an "emotional sponge", well, perhaps I am. I have never thought of that, and your comments gave me pause. Finally, I do not assume my wife has never made any sacrifices to be married, or resent her for the sacrifices I made - I did so willingly, and happily, because, as I have said, I very much love her and felt we were on an adventure together. It is all so sad and just pointless though if this adventure and love was only for the time of raising kids. Now that those burdens are lessoning, it's time to party and drift apart?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 It sounds to me you may have a too claustrophobic ,codependent vision of marriage and coupledom in general.
Obviously I have no idea if your wife is thinking of cheating on you,or if she is making a point to purposely kick you out of her life in a passive aggressive way.
From what you say it does not sound like that to me. I think that after 20 plus years of focusing on kids and domestic issue and family obligations, once the pressures have subsised a bit and the kids have got older, it's pretty normal to want to expand your social horizons and have a bit of "me time ", particularly, pardon me, with a spouse who's such an emotional sponge.
Why would you want to be her " everything " ? - Nobody should be "everything " , the only reason of life , the ONLY source of interest, entertainment and comfort, for another person. That's something all psychologists warn you against : to make your relationship become " fusional ". To lose your individuality, your personal tastes and passions, your ability to engage in social interactions, in favour of ONE other person.
A good relationship is solid, but not solid in the sense a fortress is solid ,i.e. impenetrable and impermeable to anything. If this is how you lived all your marriage I am not surprised she may want to come up for a breath of fresh air. And perhaps you should follow her example, starting finding to occupy your time, thoughts and energies simply as John Smith, not as John Smith the husband, John Smith the father, John Smith the provider.
You can still love and like and trust each other, being two different individualities who give SOME ( not all ) time and energies outside your family .
I also think that's not fair that you sort of blame your wife for having " missed out ". She did not force you, you- you said it yourself - CHOSE home. If you had such a problem with having a fat wife, you should have left her for a thinner one, and that, speaking about loyalty, would ultimately have been perhaps less disloyal than staying in the marriage being secretly disappointed ,frustrated, and angry for having to "make do " with something inferior to your standards and expectations. As for staying in your job that allowed her to pursue a fulfilling career, that was good of you, but ,ultimately, that was your choice too, and anyway it's still a very ego-referred perspective, I don't think that your wife's career and her income all went to pay a gigolo for her or to buy round of drinks for her pals, I suppose having a working wife will have contributed to the lifestyle of the FAMILY as a unit.
I find normal that ,if things are changing, you feel somewhat taken aback and threatened, people often resist changes. But your anger, pardon me again, sounds just like that of a 4 y.o child , that's furious because mommy takes time for going to the gym : how does she dare ? How could she want not spend all her free time with me,on me, for me ? How can I not be the ONLY pleasure in her world ?
Now , this is a very normal, predictable reaction at 4, but at 40, who knows, a bit less of this " me me me " mentality may be actually very beneficial to your marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):
I read a survey where women over 50 said that they would be happiest living alone in a small cottage. Conspicuously, no husband or kids in the picture.
BTW, I think it is terrible that Realitycheck knew her marriage was failing and what might fix it but never bothered to tell her husband and instead went off with another man.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 It isn't women who have a deep connection with and reliance on their husbands. It's the other way round. We can create connections and intimacy anywhere so we don't need to rely on a husband for that. You may have made some sacrifices along the way, but if your marriage is typical, your wife has made far more than you can imagine. It's been this way for so long that even she's unaware of how much she has given up. I'm sure she's grateful to have had that fulfilling career but do you think that is all she wants out of life? To raise kids, hang out only with her husband and have a good job? She was loyal enough to put many of her ambitions on hold for all those years so she could be lover, best friend, confidant, companion, mother, provider, protector, cheerleader, nurse, cook, gardener, maid, chauffeur, teacher, secretary....Now that her kids are a little older and not as dependent on her she finally has some freedom to dig up that part of herself that was buried under loads of dishes, diapers, homework and laundry. No, perhaps she wasn't always that perfect, sexy housewife. None of us are. And you probably weren't that perfect, sexy husband either, but she accepted your flaws as you accepted hers. In fact she accepted so many things with enough grace that until now you thought everything was great. As for what to do, you'll have to decide that. Making some changes yourself can't hurt. Creating your own happiness takes the pressure off her to provide it for you.Her behaviour may be immature at times, but I believe it will pass before long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful answer. I think my wife might be towards the beginning or middle of this continuum. Although I could be wrong, I don't think she is contemplating cheating quite yet, so maybe I have a chance to stop the train wreck yet.My problem is that my gut reaction to all this was after the initial sadness: anger. Anger at the lack of loyalty. Anger at all those years where I had many opportunities otherwise, I always chose home. Angry that I accepted all her weight issues thru the years ( I should add that for the first time in many years she is getting her weight under control). Angry that I stuck with a job that is not very fulfilling for me to provide a nice standard of living for us, which also enabled her to get that personally fulfilling career w/o having to worry about money.... Where're is the loyalty? She was not always the perfect sexy homemaking wife, and I did not expect her to be. Why do I now have to be this exhausting, mysterious, 20-something, or she has free range to fulfill her "needs" elsewhere. I guess I am angry because I always accepted that marriage entails a certain amount of sacrifice, and not thinking of yourself first.So, how to put this anger away and now play these pursuit games? I don't know where to begin....Don't get me wtong. I am not trying to criticize your response; I appreciate your candor. I'm just not sure how I move foward. I guess my gut reaction is that I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. Not to fool, trick, cajole, charm someone into choosing me over all their other options.
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A
female
reader, Realitycheck +, writes (12 March 2012):
 This will be a painful reply, but I think you're marriage has been slipping away for awhile, but you didn't notice it when the kids were home. And the responsibility of the kids made her feel "whole" and alive. I can't say she doesn't love you but she's definately not in love with you anymore. Now that the kids are gone, she is indeed recapturing her youth and it would appear she may be on the hunt for a new man to spend the next chapter of her life with. You have got to sit her down and talk to her. I think it may actually take some marriage counseling to help you two re-bond. If that's even possible. I know exactly what you're wife is going through and in my case, I knew I had fallen out of love with my husband probably 15 years before I finally made the decision to leave. Up until that time, my career took up a huge chunk of my brain, and basically filled me up. Once I went through a major lay off and lost that fabulous job, I had to face the painful truth. This was not the man I wanted to grow old with, and I could no longer ignore the elephant in the room. Like your wife, I did the exact same thing. I started going out with other people I had met on my own. I formed circles of friends that knew very little about my husband. I set up a few credit cards in my name only. Started tucking away little bits of money into an account set up only in my name. All the while going through the motions at home. Looking back now, I realize it was horrible of me but I knew I needed to be able to survive life after my marriage without feeling like I had nothing. Women rarely leave a relationship until they've set up another one. It's a sad fact so you should probably look for other clues that she may also be seeing someone on the side. I invented alot of "all girl" trips to go "shopping" when in fact I was going off with a new man and didn't want to risk being seen in my own home town. If my husband had been smarter, he should have seen the signs. And had he seen them, it might've helped for him to step up his game. I needed to see him as a sexy person again, not just someone to grow old with because trust me, she's running from her own mortality just like I was. Once the kids are grown, she is wanting to feel like a new chapter is opening up, not that she's just waiting to grow old and die. Sometimes this behavior is really a cry for help. Had my husband done something surprising; changed his wardrobe, took up a new hobby, suddenly learned how to play a musical instrument, actually started enjoying the new trendy bars that opened up, or enjoyed eating new foods he would have seemed less old to me, and more interesting. People realy do fall into ruts, they fall into an expected "role" and that roll can quickly become very routine and dull. I left a beautiful person and I miss parts of him every day. But he hasn't done one thing to change himself or to grow. When women go through mid-life crisis they want to feel excited again; energized. They want to feel challenged. Don't be just another routine for her. She's already running from those. Do something different with your hair. Get a tattoo. Pierce your ear. Join a gym. Change your wardrobe. Learn something new that will lend itself to interesting conversation. Don't be an predictable. Be mysterious. Act like you might be the type a guy another woman would see across the room, and find interesting enough to walk the distance to talk to you. It probably wouldn't hurt for you to make some new friends as well. Your wife sees you as a stale person. If you can step up your game, things could turn around. But it's not just about sending her flowers, or buying her candy. You have to think like a young man who's on the hunt. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Be willing to join her on a Friday night when she hangs out with these new friends. You might actually find them to be funky and carefree. Take her out to unexpected places and try new things. And don't complain if the food is spicey or the lights are too dim. Act like lovers who crave each other's attention and maybe just maybe things will work for you and the outcome will be different. I truly wish you the best. I can't say I am not happy in my life right now, but it is certainly easier to stay with the man you have already built your life around; and it is certainly somethign worth bragging about if you can weather this storm and stay together. It's all about being flexible and young at heart. I wish my husband could have seen what I needed.
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