A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a male friend who has been dating this woman for about the last 6 months seriously. He and I had a past, but now we really are just friends and it is cool. He has always been hesitant about relationships since he was burned by who he thought was the love of his life about 6 years ago. Now he is dating this woman who is 27 and he is 36. I have met her and told him I liked her (which I did- she seemed nice and decent). He seems to really be into her and might think she is the one. Well recently I have heard from a few people that she is a complete tramp and people are laughing at him behind his back because he is dating her. I know him, and if he knew this it would devastate him (first of all, he would never date a girl who has slept with numerous men-- especially men he knows and associates with). I feel sorry for him and don't like him being the laughing stock. I have always kinda felt this need to protect him. So now I think he needs to know, but I am afraid to tell him because I don't want to be in the middle-- and you know the saying "Don't kill the messenger"? Do I tell him what I heard or do I stay out of it? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 July 2011):
 @ Person12345
I'm a bit surprised at your surprise. In my experience, women participate in slut-shaming far more often and more viciously. Not that men don't do it too, mind, it's just not as much that I've seen.
In their defense, it's an entirely rational action for most of them. While this isn't applicable in the OP's case, larger numbers of sluts (defined for our purposes as "women who have sex with many men after only knowing them a very short time") in the local dating scene would tend to make it more difficult for non-sluts to get guys into relationships.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Wow I never thought I'd hear another woman viciously participating in slut shaming. I think everyone here has covered pretty thoroughly that rumors are frequently fake/blown out of proportion, that it's none of your business etc...
But only a few answers have included that maybe your friend doesn't feel that women who had the audacity to have sex are "tramps" not worthy of love or affection.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Stay out of it. It is none of your business. You would be basing your discussion on rumours.
He is a grown up and does not need your protection.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 July 2011):
 "heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another...."
I really think it's not your place to talk to HIM about this but maybe you and her could go out as friends for coffee and talk about it???? without being accusatory tell her what you heard (and from who)....
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 July 2011):
While I'm usually the first to say a guy deserves to know when he's dating someone with an unsavory history, in this case your information comes only from rumors. They only seem important because, supposedly, people are laughing behind his back. You don't have anything to offer him except unease and insecurity at this point.
If you can come up with some concrete evidence or accounts that she has a history of cheating, that would certainly be worth bringing to his attention. But until you have something definite like that, it's best to just keep it to yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, ayeshaH  +, writes (26 July 2011):
i think you should stay out of it for now. if they are both happy then leave them to it.
like others are saying, everyone has a past and she may have changed now and genuinely wants to be seriuos with your friend.
obviuosly if at any point you have reason to believe she is cheating on him then i would say you should talk to her.
but if its just rumours about her past then leave it.
xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Leave him alone, he is perfectly happy with this girl, why whould you want to attempt to ruin it? If any of these people that have told you this are his REAL friends then they should be big enough to talk to him to his face and not behind his back, they are laughing at him, they are not his friends and neither are you. I would leave well alone, you know very well that it will upset him and it isn't your place. Their relationship is between them two and all you are going on is rumour, they are happy and if you say anything to him you could potentially ruin something good, her past, his past is up to them two to tell each other about and she more then likely has told him the TRUTH!! Stay out of it and ignore them that are gossiping because they are not his REAL friends now are they!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): If you like her then what's the problem? She has a past, so what?
Are you a busy body? A jealous 'friend'? Or just plain nasty?
Whichever it is, you friend will not appreciate you taking these rumours in and giving him your 2 cents worth!
To be honest if I was him, and you told me exactly whatyou just said I'd cut you out of my life along with all these other so called friends.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): I agree, unless you have solid proof that she has cheated, stay out of it. It's never good to be the 'bringer of bad news.'
...............................
A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (26 July 2011):
 stay out of it. If the woman has a past then that's all it is, Shes in a relationship with your friend now and they obviously care about each other.
To say he would never date a women who had slept with numerous men is illogical with this day and age, its no longer a time where men slept around and women tried to stay pure, were in a time now where people are a lot more sexually open. be it a general need at the time or a mistake. It's really no one's business but your friends girl friend.
People say you should never know to much about your partners past and i completely agree, sometimes it can a profound effect on the future of the couple who moments before were so happy together. if you don't like people laughing behind his back, then tell them where to go.
remember rumors get twisted the more there told.
all that matters is that they are both happy together.
I'd forget about what you've heard and say nothing.
is this need to protect him a reminisce of some feelings that still remain for your friend. Just with you mentioning you had a past then how cool you are that your friends now.
If that is the case, then i feel that the way your feeling is down to the feelings you may still have. i could be wrong though.
Anyways, just be supportive off him and if it turns out to be true and he leaves her eventually then be there to support him.
But i like what Annalisa said, i would speak to her about it, less about how serious she is about your friend but more what people are saying about her, because after all they may be laughing at your friend but shes the one being called tramp.
I hope that helped
Roshii
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Stay out of it! Maybe these rumors are fake or being blown out of proportion. Maybe your friend knows his girlfriend better than you think he does. Maybe your friend understands that women can have multiple sex partners, just like men can. Maybe there are mitigating factors. Maybe the girlfriend has changed. You don't really know anything, and the fact is that it's none of your business. When my parents got engaged people used to go around saying my father was gay. My mother was adamantly warned of this by several of her closest friends and family. This caused a lot of drama and strife and it was all because of a rumor that is absolutely not true. To this day my father has never forgiven these people and we do not speak to them, including the family members. So be careful, this could be you.
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (26 July 2011):
 The best thing for you to do is to stay out of this. He's happy and there's no need to bring drama into the relationship. Of course people are going to laugh and be immature, there have always been people like this. But they are happy together and I'm sure he wouldn't let this get in the way of it, so don't bring it up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): 'Well recently I have heard from a few people that she is a complete tramp' - what does this mean exactly; is she cheating on him, if so how many times? You need to be more specific.
...............................
|
