A
female
age
30-35,
*owbownow
writes:Hi guys!! I came across this site when i googled for help, been browsing through and the answers here all seem really helpful, so here goes:Approximately 6 months ago, I found out that my dad was cheating on my mum, togther with his ex-secretary who's about half his age wtf. So anyways how i found out was that i happened to be using his iPhone, and all of a sudden there was a text from her saying "Miss you". Was paralysed with shock at that point of time, and i really really didn't know what to do.Anw the thing is, a few months back, probably last October, my mum started to suspect sthg was wrong, from my dad's actions and stuff. And so she started checking the call history on his phone, and saw the many calls they made to one another every day. So eventually she kinda figured things out and she got really really upset. She would drink herself to sleep every night, and in the day she would look so depressed, and seeing all these hurt me real bad. I felt so much guilt knowing that I didn't so anything when I first found out. Eventually my mum approached my dad, and he said that his secretary did confess her liking for him before but he rejected her, and he also promised to stop contacting her. My mum was convinced and she got ALOT better, but somehow I didn't buy my dad's story. So then I started snooping around his email using his phone, and found out that they were contacting through email instead. Saw many emails from her to him, asking him not to leave her and proclaiming her love for him. Even saw photos of them on past overseas trips tgthr. But It did come to me as a consolation that my dad was trying to leave her, and i felt better for a period of time, leaving myself the benefit of the doubt.Recently my dad started locking his iPhone, on the pretext on protection against thieves. A few days back however, I got him to unlock and went to secretly check his email, and to my utmost horror discovered photos of them (sent by her) on a recent trip overseas. (My dad had told my mum last week that he was going overseas with his guy friend, but my gut feeling told me it might be her). So I know now that he had gone back to her eventually, and is still seeing her on a regular basis (from emails), and still going on trips with her. Whats worse is that my dad's attitude towards my mum gets worst by the day and yet my mum doesn't do much to retaliate. I doubt she knows that the r/s is still going on, but she tells me that she gives him his way coz she doesn't want to start a quarrel.I feel so disgusted with my dad, all the respect i had for him in the past years is virtually gone now. And even worse, I feel so terrible knowing about everything yet not doing anything about it coz i really don't know what to do. I fear making the wrong move and causing my family to break apart and everyone to get hurt. But at the same time now I feel so indignant for my mum, who has done so much for our family.Any advice on what I can do to help???? For now I'm contemplating if I should talk to my dad and admit everything to him. I know that if I were to do that our r/s will definitely be affected for life, but I really don't want to just watch and not do anything much longer coz it's hurting me alot.Thanks so much for reading my question, I'll truly appreciate any help and god bless yall.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): First of all know that this problem was created between your mum and dad and had nothing to do with you...However the consequences of this affair has a direct impact on you and your family....While your dad is dead wrong..He may have turned to this woman because your mum may not be fufiiling some need he has..I suspect sex is an issue here..This is a problem(HUGE problem)...and probably why he is still seeing her cos if she says dont see her again, and makes no changes in their relationship, he will go back or even find someone new if the old mistress is not available....I'M NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM BUT YOU ARE YOUNG AND THERE IS A LOT OF THINGS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS...People hardly cheat if their needs ie sex, companionship, an attractice spouse, domestic support and admiration as needs that apply to a man are being meet....How close are you to your dad? Let him know(without accusing him) of your finding, if you think you can privately and how much this hurts and bothers you...tell him to try and seek some help with the problems he has with your mum as you are worried about your family staying together(do not be confrontational)....he is your Dad and I am sure he loves you a lot..It might just make him really think about the impact of his behaviour...If he blows up and accuses you of snooping, DONT retaliate however tempting it might be..Just tell him you are sorry but you stumbled on this by accident at first and it was because you were worried you had to check again...DONT under any circumstance turn this into a huge row....When he has had time to consider he might have a chat with you about hs behaviour....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I too think you should talk to your father and tell him you know about his cheating ways and are shocked disappointed in him, but after that stay out of your parents' business. the female anon's story is 'interesting' indeed, but I don't think it's as horrific and retributive as Gamine(?) interpreted. I think it's actually rather touching and shows the complexity of human nature and love. it really made me think.. it shows that it's possible to truly love someone while married to another, because after all signing a piece of paper doesn't make your heart belong to someone if it didn't to begin with. You could have signed the paper for reasons besides love, the vow uttered by the lips are but empty words and not repeated in the heart where true vows originate. the marriage is more for the cooperative living arrangement, like a job you go to faithfully every day because it's your duty (especially where children are involved) but it's not your passion, and it's not "you". You marry in order to create the outward appearances of a normal family so your child will have an apparently normal family to grow up in....You get married for your child, not for your spouse ..this living arrangement can be civil yet emotionally cold or devoid of a true bond and that's why your heart can love another (as that poster's father did). Faithfulness does come by in the form of helping each other with daily work and responsibilities and making joint decisions on child rearing. But ultimately, a mind-soul connection is not formed in the marriage because love wasn't present before the marriage and signing a paper doesn't make it happen, maybe the marriage was undertaken while the heart and mind already yearned for another but who was not available.....to me what is sad is not so much that the father loved another, but that they married each other only because she got pregnant and not because they were each other's soul mate. a friendship can develop just from long term familiarity as the years pass, a soul-mate connection not necessarily...Caring for a dying woman, watching her wither away as the days and weeks pass, is not for the faint of heart. an affair partner just out for sex and good times and ego boosting would not do that. I found the story touching, I'm sure the wife knew or understood that her husband didn't fully love her since they married only because she was pregnant and while his heart was already yearning for someone else... and obviously she allowed her husband to care for his dying mistress without divorcing him and even to attend the funeral with their child. And then once the mistress had passed on, maybe that's when the father was able to develop a real love for his wife, like in a manner of how a widow or a widower can fall in love a second time even though they once loved someone. either that or they have remained together all these years as a marriage of convenience and still without loving each other any more than before and maybe the father never had another affair because the mistress who died really was his one true love and when she's gone there could be no other. I think most affairs, however, are more like that anon poster's second story of her friend's father who is still having an affair now. obviously this guy did not love his mistress enough to give up the material wealth he would lose through a divorce and obviously he does not love his wife either if he's only staying married out of fear of his wife's revenge and losing his money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): I think you should stay out of it, as this is their marriage and your mom already knows, and thus it's their business.I feel for you. when I was young I also found out my dad was having an affair, I heard my parents arguing about it one night, I was about 13 years old. To this very day - and I'm 38 years old now - my parents have no clue that I know about this. The affair partner was a friend of the family too, someone who was like an aunt to me ever since I was little, so I was shocked. even at that young age I knew what was going on and I was angry at my dad for hurting my mom, but did not show it. I kept my mouth shut and became sullen and withdrawn for awhile. My parents probably chalked it up to normal teenage sulleness.My dad's affair ended only because the other lady was already very ill with terminal cancer by the time my parents had the big fight about it, and she passed away about a year later. She died very young and it was very tragic, she had two kids who were slightly older than me and whom I also knew. My dad really loved her, he took care of her in her last few months (she had a husband who was never around, I think my dad took more care of her in her final months than her own husband did). I don't know what was worked out between my mom and dad but obviously my mom allowed my dad to take care of his mistress in her dying days. I went to the funeral, my mom did not. I didn't ask why and no explanation was given to me. My parents are still married now and they seem to be happily married. They are certainly more happily married than I am (more on that later). But honestly if my dad's affair partner hadn't passed away when she did, I don't know if my parents would still be married today.And now, as an adult who has experienced infidelity - both my husband's and then my own more recently - I am not angry at my dad because I know it's not always so black and white.I saw that my dad really truly loved his mistress and from what I can tell, she was his first love, she was in his life before my mom. My parents only got married because my mom was pregnant with me, and I admire that they have managed to make their marriage work now (but again if the other lady hadn't passed away when she did, it might have been a different story). I still remember with pain how much my mom was crying that night I heard them arguing and it's probably like how I felt when I found out my husband had cheated on me. And now that I've experienced falling deeply in love with someone else outside my marriage, I guess I have sympathy for people on all sides.My advice to you is this: stay out of it. This is between your mom and dad. It is their marital relationship, not yours. Your mom obviously knows about it and thus what she chooses to do or not do, is her own business. She has her own reasons. There are things in their marital relationship that you - as their kid - are just not privy to. Affairs don't just happen for no reason, they are usually symptoms of something that was already very wrong in the marital relationship. It's easy to look upon the betrayed spouse as an innocent saint and the cheater as the complete bad guy. That's not always the case - I speak this from experience, I know that when my husband cheated on me, it was partly because I had done a lot of bad things that drove him from me and made him hate me. Then after he cheated our relationship deteriorated so much that I then fell into an affair of my own, even though I wasn't intending to..I wasn't intending to get even with my husband or anything. in fact I was so indignant at my husband's affair that the LAST thing I wanted was to be in one myself as that would rob me of my self-righteousness that I was holding onto at the time. And, the man I love is also married and has a small child. His back story and why he married someone he didn't love is even more complicated. His child could be the one writing your post in another 20 years.So as you can see I've experienced infidelity from all angles: as a child whose father who was cheating on her mother; then as a wife whose husband was cheating on her, and finally also as "the other woman" being involved with a man who himself is married.(and yes I am now going through a divorce because I'm finally saying enough is enough, who are we kidding, we dont' love each other and never will. so let's not make a mockery out of marriage anymore, let's end it, so we are.)I'm just saying, you just don't know what has gone on between your parents throughout the course of their marriage, since before you were born, when you were a child...for all you know, your mom may have cheated on him first (not trying to alarm you! just saying you just don't know what's going on between your parents and it's their relationship so it's their business).I understand you feel so outraged and indignant on behalf of your mom. The best you can do is to show her support. If you want, you could sit both your parents down and tell them calmly that you know about the affair, and that you hope the two of them can work out their differences. You could also "warn" your father that if you find any evidence you will report it to your mom. And then butt out of their business.One last story for you:I had a friend who also found out her father was having an affair, but unlike me and more like you, she found out when we were in college. I had grown up with her and knew her parents since I was little so I was similarly shocked. It turns out that her parents had only gotten married because her mom got pregnant with her older brother and they never really liked one another, they just faked their marriage the whole time for the sake of the kids. I know her mom and she's a pretty unpleasant person to be around in general, no wonder her husband doesn't want her company! Her mom knew about the affair and of course was unhappy. The father even went so far as to plan an escape from his marriage to be with his mistress. But in the end, they stayed married but only because they had built up assets together over the course of a marriage (they were sort of a "power couple" as both had high powered careers and were shrewd investors) they did not divorce because they couldn't bear to give up their material lifestyle that they had grown accustomed to. That and the fact that the wife couldn't stand the idea of her husband using some of the money they had acquired together to start a new life with someone else so she threatened to clean him out financially if he tried to divorce her. At the time my friend and I thought that him leaving her and running off with his mistress was the worst he could do, but now on hindsight I think they really should have divorced. They are still married today, and he is still having an affair (though not sure whether with the same woman or not) and the wife has just resigned herself to turning a blind eye, because she doesn't want to split assets. Pretty sad way to live, if you ask me. so anyway I want to repeat my advice: you can sit your parents down and tell them you know about the affair and hope they can work it out or if they divorce, then to do so amicably. But then once you've said this, butt out of their business because it's their relationship and you don't know what's gone on in their marriage behind the scenes. sending you best wishes (I'm originally from the same country as you too, by the way, but now living elsewhere)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): this is a hard situation..they always say to stay out of grown folks business but you don't wanna see your mom hurting and you don't wanna break up the family..but honestly your dad actions is showing he's willing to risk losing his family for the other woman.. I think it should be known to your mom and let her decide what she wants to do but I'm undecided if it's your place to tell her.i say tell her what you saw in your dads phone and hopefully when confronted your dad admits it or just let your mom find out on her own your choice
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356  +, writes (6 February 2011):
I'm sorry for what you are going through. What I suggest is to get enough evidence that you can use in case of a divorce. Your father will point out your mother's drinking and depression. He will deny an affair. Tread carefully but get hard proof from his emails. Either by printing them out or pictures of them together. Good luck and be careful.
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