A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right I'm going to skip the nonsense and get straight to the point. I've been with my partner for two years. He has problems due to an accident. He is on a hell of a lot of medications and shows no interest in sex. He is snappy and no matter what he does considers himself totally blameless. He is arguementative and selfish and at 23 years old I feel some old carer/housewife. I have fun with him but I feel like theres no real relationship here. He doesn't work, he gets benfits which don't cover the bills because he spends it on beer and wastes money alot. it's just his need for me to be around to do everything and so he doesn't feel alone. I care alot about him and I know we love each other but I just don't think he's right for me. He's so lazy and lacks any ambition. The problem is that he's always saying if I leave he'll go back to drugs and I actually know its true but the fact that he's telling me that I feel is emotional blackmail. I've recently met a really nice man just a year younger then myself though there is nothing going on between us but we do have an attraction. He likes everything I like, he looks good and he's got a good job, a car, his own house. He has invited me to go to miami where he has a permanent home and have a job doing what I really want to do at his company. He's simply perfect in every way imaginable. Do I leave for my own selfish needs or do I stay just to save him from himself. Don't get me wrong I do love him, I do care but I just think he's not exactly what I need. Would I be wrong to leave this man in pursuit of true happiness instead of sticking around for more of "this is alright"
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Caring about your own needs and pursuing your own happiness is not selfish. It's your right, and your duty toward yourself.
We'll, if he were a toddler and you were his mom, I'd say you have to make his happines your priority and sacrifice your wants and needs, But you are two adults and he if he goes back to be on drugs, it's not because you have caused him to do that, it will be by his own choice ,will and responsibility.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Did this feeling of unhappiness with your boyfriend start as soon as you met this other guy? Or were you unhappy before? This question is essential, because your attraction toward this other guy could be due to the fact that you were simply unhappy with your relationship. The 'perfect' emphasis on this new guy could totally be false, because you are so upset with your current boyfriend. When you are in a relationship, there are a lot of things that tend to cloud our vision of what the healthy thing to do is. If you still love your boyfriend, then breaking up with him will be extremely difficult. More so the recovery than the actual 'breaking up' part. Two years is an awful long time to be with someone. You begin to depend on them being there, and they become a main focus in your life. If you are unhappy and don't see this relationship going in the direction you want it to, then it's time to break up. But seriously, you will NEED time to yourself for at least a month. Heart break is pretty hard to deal with, and I think you are already seeking an antidote by being with this new guy and moving to Miami. Dramatic changes and new love interests are definitely signs that you are already suffering that detachment you get when you are going to/are breaking up with someone.
What you need to do is cool your jets. Break up with your current boyfriend and try to find yourself again. It's hard to be alone after that long of having someone. Me personally, I was never afraid of being alone, but when I broke up with my ex, it was so strange to not have someone to call any time I was upset or worried. There was no one there to hold me tight at night. It was the little things that I missed most of all, and my automatic reaction was to find someone else to fill that void. Which thankfully, I never acted upon. I think that this new guy is that plan for you.
If he really has a job that you want, then I'm sure he'll understand you requesting a few months to think about things. Moving locations is a big deal, especially because of your current situation. There are family and friends with you right now, and that's what you really need: a source of genuine love. ESPECIALLY after you break up with your boyfriend. That way you can remind yourself that there are people there who really care for you, and love you unconditionally.
So break up with your boyfriend if you're truly unhappy. I would disregard his threats and emotional blackmail, because even if they are true, there's really nothing you can do about it. Then settle down for a couple months and get used to being by yourself. Only when you are at peace with that can you make a healthy decision about moving and seeing other people. :) Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I would say if you are not happy in your current relationship and do not feel he is the right man for you then you should leave - you are not responsible for him and if he wants to ruin his life by taking drugs then let him do it, its his choice and his life to mess up. You cannot feel responsible for him - if he is not mature enough to take control of his own life and sort himself out then he is not ready to be in a relationship and as you have found out, you are just mothering him rather than being in an equal relationship. I think time alone will actually do him some good - he needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet, to live life by himself rather than relying on you for everything. It may be that at first, he turns to drugs, he makes a massive mess of his life.....but it is often said that you need to hit "rock bottom" before you actually realise that you need to make some changes in your life. So letting him hit rock bottom alone may be what he needs to get his life back on track and get himself sorted.
But as for this new guy; please just take a step back for a minute here! You are willing to move to Miami from the UK for a guy you have just met, when you have not even ended your relationship yet and given yourself any time to get over him? I think if you started a relationship right away with this new guy then you would be very foolish and it would end in disaster.
You have been in a long term relationship with a man you claim to still love and care about. Even if you end the relationship (which you probably should by the sounds of things) these feelings will still be there, and you wont be over him for a good few months at least. Jumping into a new relationship right away would be the worst thing you could do and it would only doom the new relationship right from the start! You need time to be single, time to get over your boyfriend/ex. You need time to figure out what you want from life, what you want in a relationship and where you see your future going.
I know it seems like this new guy is everything you want - and he may well be but if he really is right for you then he will still be right in a few months time. The reason he seems so perfect right now is because he is the complete opposite to the situation you are in now, he offers a seemingly perfect antidote to your current position. But you are blinded by this "mr perfect" image that you have created for him in your head, whereas the reality is no-one is perfect. You would be moving thousands of miles away from your family and friends, you would know no-one except him and that would put a huge strain on this fragile new relationship. You know hardly anything about this guy apart from the material and shallow things - good kob, nice car, house, good looking etc. Not once do you mention his personality or how he treats you.
I'm not trying to be nasty here, I know how easy it is to be swayed by a good looking, succesful man who you know can provide a good life for you. I'm not saying you have to end things with new guy too - just wait a while before you make such a huge commitment like moving to the US. I would say you need at least 3 months of just being single to get over your previous/current relationship, time to greive for him really. You have spent 2 years with him - the feelings you have for him wont just go away, nor can they just be transferred to a new man. That wont work, I promise you. So why not stay friends with your new guy, keep in touch and get to know him a little better. And at the same time you will get to just be you, to re-discover you as a single person rather than you as part of a couple. After a few months has passed, then if you new guy has stuck around (a good sign that he is a decent man) then start dating him. Dont rush into a full on relationship, just have a few dates, enjoy each other's company and see how things go. Maybe visit him in Miami for a week or 2, see what you think of it out there before you make any life changing decisions.
The key with the new guy is to take it slow otherwise I can guarantee now that if you move out there to be with him it will be over very quickly, I wouldnt give the relationship more than a year. You cannot start a new relationship with someone when you no nothing about them in a new country where they are the only person you know. You will end up being very clingy and needy, you will be living together without even dating first! You will be togther too much for the early stages of your relationship, meaning you will miss out on all the fun and romance of dating. You wont get to "miss" each other when you have a couple of days between your dates, you wont get the anticipation of seeing him again, you wont get the butterflies before your date....you will end up going from 2 people who have just met with an attraction to each other to an old married couple who cant get a minute away from each other. And that is what you resent in your current relationship - that you feel like an old housewife! If you move to Miami right away you will only replicate the same situation you are in now.
So what I think you need to do is end your current relationship if you are not happy. Then take a few months just to get over him, move all of your stuff out of the house (or move his stuff out if that is the case) and just be alone for a little while. Spend time with family and friends, take up some new hobbies that you have always wanted to do....basically just make time for YOU and no-one else. Forget about men for a few months - the past 2 years of your life has revolved around a man so dont replace one man with another - take some time out and just be you. Then after a few months where you have been single, when you feel fully over your boyfriend/ex, then start dating your new guy (if he has been willing to wait for you - if he didnt want to wait then that is a clear sign he is not the right guy for you!) - have a couple of months of dating to see if you actually get along well as a couple and see if you are really compatible. If things are going great and there is a good job out there in America then fine, go ahead and move out there. But dont rush that decision, and dont jump straight into a new relationship before you have had time to get the old one out of your system.
You can still have your "true happiness" but it will only be true happiness if you wait a while - jumping into a new relationship is just a recipe for disaster and you would only end up coming crawling back to the UK after a year or 2 when things didnt work out because you didnt know each other well enough before you moved in together.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 April 2010):
You don't deserve the treatment you are getting from the guy you're with now. Granted he has no interest in sex, but that doesn't mean he has to be snappy or emotionally blackmail you. And his laziness is no excuse either. The truth is, this man isn't the one. Find another guy worthy of your love.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Hun, from the tone of your post you sound like you are now finding life very unhappy.
Your bf sounds like he has all he wants, a gf, a carer, someone to cook and clean for him and he can be difficult and abusive and you still hang around.
This is not right. Dont listen to his blackmail, because he will go back to drugs if he wants to whether you are there or not.
He is responsible for his own wellbeing and if he uses his disability cheques for alcohol so be it, that is his choice but dont be dragged down by his pessimistic outlook to life.
If you are this unhappy now, could you imagine yourself in say.... 20 years from now???
Life is short at the best of times and you have been given an opportunity for happiness. Grasp this with both hands and go and enjoy yourself.
You are far too young to be tied down as a carer for someone who clearly is only using you for their own comfort.
Go to Hawaii, go live your life, go find happiness.
Honeygirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Okay, you are fooling yourself to this this new guy is perfect. Take him down off the pedestal you have put him on. No one is perfect, and he can do nothing but fail if you have decided that he is. People will draw others in by 'pretending' to be something they are not. Only you can decide what decisions you will make. You do not mention if your boyfriend's accident involved any injury that would have changed his personality. Remember down the line, wedding vows make a promise to be with the person through sickness and health. Remember too, there will be bad times in EVERY relationship, often coming in cycles. You need to do some serious thinking for yourself, but make sure there is an even playing field first, without rose-colored glasses. Take responsibility for your own decisions. You are the only person who knows how you really feel. No one can tell you what to do or when to do it, you have to choose. You also have to take on responsibility of boredom. You don't have to be bored, and neither does your boyfriend. Try adding some fun to your relationship and re-connecting if you really want to try and make things work. However, it does sound as if you have already made your mind up but are seeking approval from other people. Think carefully as it is your life, not theirs.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 You are not responsible for anybody except yourself.Think of yourself first .It is your happiness and your life.
No one should control your life and never lay down your life for someone who is not worthy of your love.
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