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Do I give my husband space after he says he no longer loves me? He says there is no one else!

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Marriage problems, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 April 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for nearly 3. Three weeks ago he told me in tears he wasnt in love with me anymore, he said he still loved me and cared for me, but thought he should move out for a few weeks to see how he feels. He said there was knowone else and he needed time he was confused.He didnt know if this was the best thing for both of us. This had come so out of the blue for me yes we bickered but nothing major for ages. We had even planned to start trying for a baby at the end of april and were finishing DIY projects in the house. Also planned a hoilday this year.

He didnt move out but it was in the air he still fancied me clearly and each day wanted to cuddle and have sex or do other stuff. Nearly a week later I conforted him about a note id seen him saying a date he was moving out he left that night said that was the original plan but he couldnt cope with this and he went back to his parents.

He had a week at his parents going out with mates and working he would still text me wanting to know what I was up to, and he'd say sorry for hurting you I didnt mean to hurt you. He said he didnt realise I loved him as much as I did. That hurt to think he could think that.

After the week at his parents he said we'd have a chat not a major chat no decisions and was normal with me huggy and touchy feely, I sat down for our chat and he said he thought we should seperate for amonth he should get a room somewhere and then see how he feels he hadnt had time to get his head together and still wasnt in love with me. I was of course upset a shock again how can things change if he doesnt spend time with me? I love him so much and had recently falling back in love with him so deeply he is now staying at mates of his I know and moving into his parents next week for the month but is now talking about finding a room in May. All his stuff is still at our house he just has a bag with him. He said he doesnt want to do anything like divorce or put the house on the market incase he realises hes made a big mistake. What can I do?

We cant afford for him to get a room, he knows that. Ive never given up on him and hes giving up on me at the first opportunity. Im not in contact with him at the mo a I need him to miss me.

We were going to have a baby he was so excited we'd even choosen baby names and I was off the pill for 2 months, this was so unexpected. Do I give him space?

View related questions: divorce, text, the pill, trying for a baby

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010):

I'm going through a similiar situation. On April 27th, my husband left and moved in with his mom to clear his head, to figure things out. We went to marriage counseling for the past three weeks and yesterday, he informed me he no longer loves me. He said he fell out of love about a year ago, but never said anything because he felt it would pass. He suggested therapy at that time, but I dismissed it because most of our disagreements were over really trivial things. He was an amazing husband and we had a great marriage; but now, I'm devastated, at a loss. We had plans to buy a bigger home and start a family. Unfortunately, when someone decides it's over, it's over. The only thing you can do is handle the situation, so your dignity is still intact. As hard as it is, I let him go, more in love with him now then the beginning. I want him to be happy and I am currently seeking therapy. Channel yourself into things that make you feel good about you. I, for one, will be channeling my priorities into my 15 year old and myself. Join a gym, get together with girlfriends ( you will need them), and surround yourself with positive people. Also, be easy on yourself. You will not be a 100% and God knows I will not be myself for a while. I hear time heals all wounds. I have to believe it's true. Sorry, I'm so long winded, but this is very fresh to me and I know the pain you're going through. I'm so sorry.

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A female reader, ecph United States +, writes (25 April 2010):

Dear writer. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I'm currently going through pretty much the same thing. One day out of the blue, my husband told me that he still loves me but is not inlove with me anymore and wants space to figure out what he wants. He says that there is no one else. It devastated me ofcourse and I was always confused because he was sending me mixed messages about whether there was a chance or not with working out our marriage. He said that it had nothing to do with me (I'm perfect) and that it was just him. I was against leaving all the way but I've finally had enough of his behavior and left home two and a half weeks ago to give him his space. I believe that he's already made up his mind about our marriage and no amount of space will help the marriage. It's painful and hard to accept but you can't worry about something that you can't control or about something that possibly isn't there anymore. When they say that they're not inlove with you anymore, the message is pretty clear. My advice to you would be to Take care of yourself and move on with your life. If he decides that you are what he wants, then he will come back and you can worry about it then. I am following my own advice. Best of luck to you.

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A female reader, mykimicalromance United States +, writes (12 September 2008):

I really feel for you and I have kids and have been in similar a situation ,but to understand your husbands thoughts you have to get inside a man's head....It sounds like he has lost interest in you either a) he is no longer that physically attracted to you. He loves because your a sweet good person and the mother of his child ,but men are visual and you might have let yourself physically go to his liking...as superficial as that sounds he can't tell you that he just doesn't have the heart. Next maybe he hasn't cheated but he wants to(he would feel guilty to cheat if he were with you but he's met someone who he's either mentally or physically attracted too but too ashamed to be honest once again. Just because a guy is still having sex with you doesn't mean he is very attracted to you Sometimes for a guy it's just a male response women want to think it's not that easy but for a guy it can be. Sometimes a guy doesn't have the heart to tell you that he doesn't want another kid or to even leave so he sticks it out in an unemotional non-attracted relationship. Let him go don't wait around for him to have his cake and eat it too. Be the best you can be on every level realize how great you are. from the inside out. Why should he get to figure out if he wants to be with you. I don't think so. Start today investing in you wether it's working out a new job something to stop trying to please him. Honestly it could be anything but saying he isn't in love with yo for no particular reason is a lie their is always a reason.... Realize that the only thing about this situation you can change is yourself.... This goes for guys to anyone in life that has been dumped by someone they truly love. You have to love yourself first to have the most to offer anyone in life3333

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I hope by now it has gone one way or the other. I am currently going thru the same thing. One day out of now where my husband of 8 years (married of that only 2) says he loves me but is not in love with me and it has nothing to do with me and there is no one else. Says he just wants to be alone! I was and still am so devastated....I told him please dont give up on our marriage, lets try and give it one good effort. He says he can't and to be in love isn't something you try to do it should just come naturally. I have recently lost my job and we are selling the house because we can't keep it in the long run, so I have been a little depressed lately and not that fun to be around. He was going out a lot before he came out with this and just not wanting to be at home. I told him what happened to our vows we took on our wedding day and the man that wrote me all these very nice loving letters. He says he doesn't know and that he is the jerk and it has nothing to do with me.

As of right now I am giving him space and staying with my mom and I am hoping this will make him realize that he is making a huge mistake that not to just throw away "us". I also hope this will make him miss me. I really hope this works, cause I will just fall apart if he leaves me.

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A female reader, lovely74 Australia +, writes (6 June 2008):

This is so weird. I am currently going thru exactly the same situation in many ways. My husband has also told me he doesn't love me any more and says he has been unhappy for a long time. We have been together for 11 years married for 4. We have two small children ( 3 and 1 1/2). He had an emotional affair with someone from work but nothing of a sexual nature occured. He says he is confused, bored, doesn't enjoy spending time with me and says I have controlled him. He is an alcoholic that has not been drinking for 3 years, however I found out that he did go out and drink about two months ago. He has also just lost his job. He says that he needs time to sort himself out and left on 2 days ago. I asked him whether ke would ever come back to us and he said that he would be back, to give it time and remain positive. He gave me a hug when he left anf showed me that he was wearing his wedding ring. I am very confused, lost and don't understand this. So I know what you are going through. You are not alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks you all for your comments. After not contacting him for 2 days he sent me texts which I did not reply to then sent more to ask why I wasnt replying. I sore him again after him saying he needed few things, gave him the option of me not being around he wanted to see me to say hi as long as it didnt upset me. When I sore him he said he was worried about me thats why he text. Im going to be 27 and he is 30 very soon. He gave me hugs today and wanted to be intimate then said he felt guilty didnt want to lead me on. I have told him I wont contact him for the next few weeks but Im here if/when he wants to come back.

Its so confussing he wants to be with me but its almost like hes talking himself out of it.

As for the children question we can afford it as end of year finaces will be top form, we have planned for this talked for a year really, hes hadan imput all the way though he was ready before I was. He is also applying for a higher job.

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A female reader, carebear United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2008):

carebear agony auntPoster

Sorry dear but this husband of your is doing you a bifg favour? How old is this guy? He didn't knowe you loved him soo much! you married him, bought a house together, was going to try for a baby all the things your suppose to do and now he loves you but not in love with you, wants to go out with his mates, rent a room and RUN back to his parents. They have prob told him NO your married grown up sort it out thats why he'a at his mates or going to rent a room. Call his bluff, tell him not to call to check up on you, tell him he still needs to PAY his share of the mortgage and other bills wither he's in love with you or not and if he wants out file for divorce. Count you lucky stars you have no kids with this stupid boy oh and tell him to grow up before he comes back if you still want him.

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A male reader, Paladin United States +, writes (5 April 2008):

Paladin agony auntSomehow I can’t help but feel there is more to his emotions than either you have shared or perhaps know. You didn’t say how old he is or if he is having problems at work.

To me it sounds like he is a very confused person struggling with issues that may have nothing to do with you but of course affect you. You made the statement that you two can’t afford for him to get a room. That would indicate to me that while you may not have economic problems you might be running tight. With that in mind the issue of having a baby at this time and all the costs associated with that may be a source of stress.

You ask if you should give him space. The fact is you really don’t have much choice in that, after all he has moved out. The issue at hand is what you do now and I suggest you do the best you can to not smother him with attention and give him a chance to sort things out. If he were having a relationship with someone else my advice would be different. It sounds like you two are communicating and it just seems to me that a little break and giving him a chance to clear his head might work. By the way you mentioned that he has made the statement that he wasn’t in love with you anymore. I am not so sure he meant it quite that way and I can’t help but think this guy has some other drama that will eventually surface. It may be he is having trouble at work and is extremely concerned with letting you know when you are so excited about having a baby.

I believe the harder you push him for answers the less answers you are going to get.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

I read something somewhere that real love requires respect, and respect requires consequences without ultimatums - no respect, no you.

You married this guy. You took vows.

I think that, if I were you, I would look inside myself a bit first. What do you want? I mean, really - what do you want? Not just, "I want my husband." I mean, that's fine, but that's not it. Think about the relationship you want and how you want it to work.

Then I think you recognize that he is saying he needs space - time to figure things out. It doesn't sound like you fully understand that right now - it's worth telling him that, if you can do it calmly. Then, I think you tell him that you took a vow, for better or worse, and (if it's true) that you intend to honor that vow. Tell him you you want a relationship that [insert description of what you want, which you've previously thought long and hard about]. And tell him that he should feel free to do what he needs to do in order to be able to make that happen. If it turns out he simply can't give that to you, then that's a conversation he needs to come back to you with, after he's tried.

And then, I think you spend some time just focusing on yourself.

I'm sorry. This must suck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

I don't think giving him space is the thing that you need to do, I think you need to ask him what led up to this decision. Love is not a feeling, he keeps saying he is not in love with you.....he probably does not realize that love is a concscious choice that we make to be loving....

and put someone else above our own needs most of the time.

Perhaps the prospect of having a child has scared him, he knows having a child with you will cement your relationship together for life, and maybe he has doubts about being a father or staying with you forever....

Perhaps your relationship has not been working for awhile and you are having a baby thinking that will bring the two of you closer, when in reality it could make things worse as a baby adds a lot of additional stress as well as joy.

If your husband wants out of the marriage then I think you are very lucky that you have not fallen pregnant and you can cut your losses and move on without him and start anew with someone else when you are ready.

No amount of space is going to make him miss you enough to turn him into a committed man....he has to decide that for himself and it sounds like he has already decided....

He sounds weak to me, like he doesn't know what he wants in life or doesn't even know himself.....personally, I would not stand for this, and I would help him pack all of his stuff and move him out....but that's me, only you can decide yourself what to do here.

You can't make a man be the man he needs to be for you, he has to do that for himself.

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