A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. At first, sex was great. It was passionate and it happened often. Now my boyfriend never seems to want sex. What makes me confused is that we still have great chemistry, great conversations, he shows a lot of affection toward me (cuddling, holding hands, etc). But the no sex is killing me.I am denied time after time. Nothing has significantly changed since we began dating. I consider myself to be attractive and I find him very sexy and tell him often. I try to dress up for him. If I don't kiss him, he will not kiss me. I can't remember the last time HE actually kissed me. I can't remember the last time we had sex... I would say it's been at least 2 or 3 months. I have pleased him during this time (oral and other things) but he has not wanted to actually have sex or has even tried to please me. Every time I try to initiate sex, there's an excuse or he takes my hands off of him. When we do have sex, it's still great... He even says it and shows it.It's gotten to the point where I feel too embarrassed to try and seduce him just to be rejected. It hurts. I have tried talking to him in a nice way (various times) and he tells me it's not me, that he finds me sexy, that he's happy with us... But that he isn't in the mood much and only wants to try to have sex when he's in the mood and doesn't want to try when he's not in the mood because it feels too forceful.My answer to this was sometimes I'm not in the mood when you have wanted to have sex (long, long time ago) but I try for you and get in the mood because I want to please you.He also said he is focusing on himself (career, school, life, goals) and that I should too and not give sex such importance. That was hurtful too. I think I am focusing on my goals as well, and it's not like sex is my main priority, but after not being touched for months, I yearn for that intimacy. I want to feel wanted, sexy... I want him to kiss me and be passionate with me. What should I do? I want to cry right now. His last words were "It'll get better, I know it, we're fine." But all I can think is... How? If you don't try now, how can time fix things?Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is this somewhat normal... Or do couples go through these stages?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 November 2015):
 I agree with the others on here.. I also have some advice:
The worst time to talk about having dinner is right after you've eaten. That's why on Thanksgiving (you're from the US too so it's fresh in your mind as well!), I eat very light before the dinner so my appetite's good and strong. It's similar with a sexual appetite. If someone is constantly relieving themself sexually, their hunger is less. That's like knowing your wife is cooking a delicious gourmet meal at home, but running by McDonalds for a big mac and eating it on the way home. He's not going to be as interested in real food if he's eaten greaseburgers and has no more appetite. I don't think he's gay, because he likes sex with you. Not sure if he's cheating either, or there would be other signs. Many cheaters actually INCREASE sex in order to make their partner believe there's nothing wrong.
He has gotten a bit lazy. He accepts you pleasuring him because he doesn't have to do anything for it. Likewise, if he's like 99% of other men out there, he's self-pleasuring with or without porn (such as in the shower). That can cause the bad habit of handling horniness by "rubbing one out" rather than take the time to make love, which is more rewarding, but far more effort.
Make sure he's not sating that "hunger" too much on his own and not
Relationships have ebbs and flows with sex, but a few months and there's nothing except "It'll get better"? Don't try to seduce him anymore, and DO NOT pleasure him anymore without it being reciprocation. He's taking you for granted, and what he needs to be is scared that someone else or something else is meeting your needs.
If even after you've stopped all advances to him, he doesn't change, then break up with him. I've been married 17 years, and the sex has not stopped between us. Like Honeypie says, it's not the 4 times per day rabbit sex like when everything was new, but I remember 2 years in! We even had a baby, and the best phrase of the day was "Hey! He's sleeping. You wanna?" Yes, we get tired. Yes, we sleep. Yes, things happen in life that temporarily distract us (family tragedy, exhausting work, medical issues), but we always find the way back to each other. There has never been an open-ended no-explanation sexual drought.
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (30 November 2015):
Sex is a funny thing...everybody wants it (well, at least at one time or another) but darn little survey research is done on it. Wouldn't it be nice to have some studies done on situations like this so that you could know how balanced or off balance your relationship is.I've always been under the assumption that men (at least in their active years) need to have an orgasm at least every week or so (to empty ourselves, so to speak). Again, I don't know that stats on this, but I can tell you that for him not to have sex for this long is very strange. Can he be masturbating behind your back? You'd probably have suspicions by now if he was cheating.When you were having sex, was it the same time after time? My guess is that he's become bored with sex and might get back on track if you two would work to spice up your sex life. We tend to keep our sexual interests locked up (for fear of seeming perverted or not to hurt your feelings) so it may not be easy to discover what he really wants in bed. At least you are communicating about this problem on a primary level...it is time now to get to another level of sharing. Perhaps he is interested in some sort of role playing, sex toys, costuming, porn or ??? Remember, guys are highly visual. Even though you say you are dressing up, is it in a style he finds attractive (what's considered as sexy style is often different for men and women)? Are you dressing sexy and feminine enough for HIS tastes? Or are you "butched out"? Is your bedroom (or place where you usually have sex) a romantic place, free from clutter, noise and that sort of thing?I've always thought that a great night of sex actually begins earlier in the day...being kind to each other, sharing thoughts, laughing, holding hands, bathing, relaxing, having a really nice but lite meal. Maybe a romantic or sexy movie.I once had a girlfriend who wanted sex only in the missionary position and in the same sequence of steps every night. Boring!!! A lack of good sex was the primary reason we split.I hope this helps and that you visit us in the near future with a happy success story! Thanks for writing.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (30 November 2015):
While I do agree with honeypie, I do have to tell you that I'm just coming out of that phase.. and me n my bf have been together for over a year now.. While it's your bf who isn't interested, in my relation, it was me. It's not that I had lost interest in him. But I really was preoccupied, some very important things to do. Now while I did enjoy the sex, a lot, I wasn't the one to initiate it. Or to even reciprocate his advances. Though I did try to "get in the mood" for him sometimes. I'm telling you this cuz we were in this phase for about 4 months now...It got better for us, I think it will get better for you too. :) Do try the honeypie's suggestion, it does work sometimes... hell it worked on me :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 November 2015):
 I'd say it's "normal" IF you had been together longer than 2 years. But I have not been in a relationship where the sex died down that soon.It does "even" out from the "crazy bunny sex" to the more relaxed, "do it when you are in the mood". But stopping all together I think is rare.
The only thing that prevents me and the hubby to be as active as we used to... is his heart-attack and the meds he is now on. We are still pretty intimate though. And it's 50/50 on the initiation.
If I were you, Id back off from being the one to initiate. SEE if he picks up the slack or not. If he even notices it. It can be that you two have VERY different sex drives and that he in he beginning were active in initiating because he wanted to "keep" yo around. Now that he "has" you, he feel comfortable NOT having sex that often.
So back of, try it for a month and see what happens. If nothing happens then you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship THAT isn't sexually fulfilling for you or not.
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