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Do all relationships end up like this... Start of great, then you move in and things fade and you feel like room-mates?

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Question - (31 January 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 21 August 2010)
A female Australia, anonymous writes:

It seems like all my relationshps end up the same way. They start out good, we get along great, we have sex every night, we cuddle, are affectionate with each other; we call e-mail, or text message each other daily. We talk, have fun, and spend time together. This is what hooks you into thinking there's a future here...

Then we fall into the routine stuff. Moving in together, sharing bills. We still spend time together, we still talk, most of the time we still have fun together but he doesn't call or e-mail me anymore. There's little or no affection going on unless I initiate it. The sex is now only once a week, instead of nightly. He hardly ever cuddles with me or shows affection. We're still getting along, and spending time with each other, but the relationship is starting to feel more like a friendship. This is when I start working on initiating the things I miss between us, like the cuddling, the affection the e-mails, the sex. But pretty soon, I start to feel like I'm doing all the work and he's not receprocating.

Eventually it starts to feel like I'm nothing more than a roommate. That's when I know it's over with.

But here's the thing. The guys are almost always shocked, hurt and upset because they thought things were fine. I don't understand how men are wired.

Why is it, they never listen when you tell them straight up, that you're feeling neglected, or that you miss the days when they used to e-mail you, or cuddle more? Why is it, I end up doing all the work, trying to keep these things alive, so that the relationship can continue to feel close and intimate?

View related questions: roommate, text

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A male reader, mfries22 United States +, writes (21 August 2010):

Wow. First I feel that the only good response was from Irish49. Im a guy and I'm in the same situation. Sex started out great when we were dating for 6 or 8 months. Heard the "promises" bit when it came to her saying yeah I wanna learn to cook, or cleaning up her OCD pile at grandmas. But like all things they are proven with time. We've been living together for 4 months and the sex is lackluster and I'm doing most the work. She emminates a tone that makes me believe that she doesn't value my opinions or concerns. Trust me, like Irish 49 says, kick him to the curb when you have your financial affairs in order and know that you can make it on your own. It's the only thing that teaches people is by punishing them it seems. Just trust me, you will save yourself years of headache and frustration.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007):

Dear, you do all the work, because you have made incompatible choices.. simple as that. The reason these guys are shocked is because their disappointing behaviours were not deliberate attempts to hurt you. They simply didn't know better. You have to remember, a lot of women have good relationships with men who equally give and share. You seem to know what you want. The only thing I can see here that maybe you need to do, is make wiser choices with whom you spend your heartfelt emotions on. You wasting your time on guys, who don't know how to conduct a loving relationship, who are short on the giving end. So many women stay in an unsatisfying relationship to combat loneliness, overcome inferiority feelings, or feel more wanted or attractive. Thankfully, this is not you. Your time and emotional energy are better spent developing interests, activities, ways of meeting people, and finding a man who is interested in a true love relationship. Never settle for less in a relationship. If he ends up not giving you want you want or doing his share of the work, you do what you have been doing, you move on.

Now, having said that..realise that nobody can act in perfectly loving way, all of the time. I do think you know this, otherwise you wouldn't have kept trying and trying and putting in the efforts. But any good, satisfying close relationship includes these kinds of caring, considerate, and emotionally supportive behaviors most of the time, seven days a week. Any relationship that doesn’t seem on this level for most of the time, or shows improvement after talking it over and over again, needs to be eliminated. Judge your man by his actions, not by his words. You are on the right track, dear...the right guy is out there. You just have got to find him.

So how do you know if thie next guy is right for you? You don't-you assess and discern over a long period of time. Go slow. Date a variety of people and don’t slip quickly into sex and the dependency of strong emotional involvement. Trusting a man before he earns that trust is foolhearty. But just hold out for what you really want.

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A male reader, 21 years and lovin it United States +, writes (31 January 2007):

having read the answers to your question I have to maore so agree with the both of the answers!

To answer it in the male perspicitive you have to rememeber..... Men have a hard time in romantic relationships! when they are getting first involved yes they do all the small thing that are romantic but we have a tendicy to get busy with the other things in life that make us forget to be the way we were when we first meet a wonderful woman!

Its a man thing.....

Anyway I agree with Eve's answer too....

Give him a wake up call but remember that we only wake up for a while!

The best thing I could tell you is anyone you get involved with at first will make your head spin... But when they begin to become their normal selves and how they are....

Thats how they are and please never try to start a relationship with the feeling that you want to change whoever it is you are involved with!

The second answer was wonderful too!

HINT: When a man gets comfortable with his sweetheart and the special things are lacking for the most part the man feels good with his relationship and it makes him proud!

As for me.... I have been married for over 21 years and yes the small things are not as common as they were 10 years ago but I know there is a love that runs so deep between me and my wife that nothing can seperate it!

And on a personal note::::

I miss the small things and believe you me our sex life could come much more often then it does but I know that She is and always be the only one I wnat to spend the rest of my life with!

Hope I gave you some insite!

To throw in a little excitement....

Get him curious....

That drives us NUTS!

21 years and lovin it!

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

AskEve agony auntHow long have you been with this guy and how long have you been living together? Relationships have to be worked at, that's the thing, maybe you're just trying too hard. Get him to notice you again, make him want you more. Don't be so available for him.

Talk to him when the timing is right and ask him if everything is okay. Tell him you feel a bit neglected, let him know you don't seem to important to him any more. Men hate confrontation, they don't know how to handle it.

He's taking you for granted, I bet it's you that deals with the bills and the running of the house! The spark's gone out of it for him, he needs a wake up call. Get ready to go out one night, look terrific and if he asks where you're going, tell him you're going out with friends (even although you're just going round to your mom's ;o)) If he asks to go with you tell him it's a girly night you're having. I bet you get texts that night!!

At the end of the day if you're not happy you need to let him know. Men aren't mind readers! If he does love you then he'll try harder and if he doesn't then it may be time to change your room mate.


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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

cd206 agony auntWell bills and real life are inevitable, as is this situation. Things will never stay the way they are at the beginning because theyre only like that because theyre new and fresh. As soon as you've had a few dates, a few kisses and a few emails they start to lose their shine but in my opinion they give way to something better and deeper, settled love that has nothing to do with just wanting to get you into bed. It just takes some getting used to thats all.


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