A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a great guy some time ago and we started dating straight away. It was brilliant - we seemed to be completely on the same page. Alike enough to really like each other and alike in the most important ways but still so vastly different that things never stopped being interesting. I have never had a bf before, but I would always hear my friends and colleagues talk about lots of horrible horrible problems they had with their boyfriends and not one of them arose with us.He is so good to me I find myself wondering sometimes why he pushes the boat out so far for me. I don't have a self-esteem issue, but I do have the feeling that he's trying so very, very, hard that it can be a bit much.I fell really hard for him after just a few months and as that goes totally lost grip with reality and didn't pay heed to any warning signs. I eventually discovered that 'Mr. Perfect,' is in the middle of a divorce. That shattered all my trust in him as I do feel (and quite reasonably so I think!), that this is something he should have told me at the VERY beginning. Now I feel very tangled up in a complicated mess and as though he robbed me of my right to make a decision whether I wanted this or not. I know that a man 'in the middle,' of something (his words) is not what I want but after developing such strong feelings for him my rationale is all confused. I asked him why on earth he didn't tell me this and he said that he deeply regrets it now but when we first started dating he had little intention to tell me because I was just someone he thought he'd have a few dates with and that would be it. A sort of starter course for getting back into dating. I would consider that quite a sound explanation as to be honest its probably what I would have done too but I can't help but be wary now.I asked him if he was ever going to tell me and he said he would have eventually but that he was going to wait until things were more final with her. He said that they have completely broken up but divorce proceedings etc are still 'in progress.'Am upset at the deceit and I find the fact that he was trying to hide it from me suspicious. We only hide things when we're ashamed/feel like we're doing something wrong. He insists that he doesn't feel like that but I don't know what to think. My friends are very blunt and say that he is a liar who cheats on his wife, that they are still in a relationship and that if I even continue to speak with him then I'm colluding in an affair. Neither me nor my friends knew him before we started dating so I have no way of knowing this.He's being very understanding about the way I feel and says I should talk to him straight away when I feel bad about things but he seems to get so upset when I bring it up that I feel very deterred from doing so. Whenever we speak of it he gives me the impression that he is very upset to be in the middle of a divorce. Both because it is stopping our relationship in its tracks and because he is losing his wife. Would a man in a happy marriage who was cheating express this? He is also such a good man that sometimes I become so sure that he doesn't even possess the evil to do such a thing that I simply can't believe he could be making me his mistress, but then something in the back of my mind reminds me that I've known some people who seemed so normal and friendly who went onto commit terrible atrocities. He says that I'm a cynical person and that besides withholding this info from me that he's given me no reason not to trust him and that when I become sure he is lying to me I am worrying myself to the point where I almost construct a whole bunch of things to leave me sure of his guilt.I want to let this go but I also don't want to be a fool. I just feel like I'd be losing so much if I ever did discover that he was lying to me about this. Besides there are other things beside not telling me about the divorce that lead me to think he's not being honest and actually having an affair. In general I feel as though he's not telling me everything, and whenever we have a date or anything its always in my neck of the woods. I got this feeling like he was hiding me away like a secret but when I told him I felt like this he got really upset (not angry, just sad) and he said that wasn't it. He said that if I want to meet all his friends he'd set up a big party with everyone he knows but I felt like asking for such a thing would be unreasonable. He said he'll do anything to prove he's telling me the truth. Am I wrong? He lives ages away from me and he'll come all the way to my house just to take me to work and all sorts of other things its like he's desperate to make me think he's worth it and I guess it's been working because if it had been anything less I wouldn't even consider him. What should I do?
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affair, divorce, fell in love, liar, mistress Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 When you got to the point of saying there are other things that make you suspicious, such as always coming to where you are located, is when "I" began to think that he might be lying about being in the middle of divorce proceedings....If he'll "do anything" to prove he's telling the truth, why not ask him to show you a copy of the papers that have been filed for divorce? Even if its not final yet, at least knowing its in progress would perhaps go some way to alleviating your (justified) doubts. He most certainly SHOULD have told you at the very beginning; its not right that he didn't!Of course, you always have the option of telling him not to contact you again until his divorce is final, and he can show you the decree!
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