A
male
age
36-40,
*txi
writes:This time last year someone I'd known for eight years online confessed their love to me.We had only been speaking about 2 years since a massive break in contact, but we were talking every day since then. She seemed very empathetic at first, but later I noticed that she would sometimes not even ask me how I was, this happened more often and eventually I would have to announce how I was feeling.But when she did announce her love for me, one that I had returned for an equal time (about 1.5 years). I thought that perhaps it was just how she was. And in a way I was right, it seems that she is the same with all of her other 'friends', but it still worried me. At one point I made her a cuddly toy and sent it with a letter. I never even got a letter in reply, though she did thank me.But at the same time she would send me messages that proclaimed love that seemed so sincere that I couldn't help but imagine she did care. Saying things like she would go any distance for our relationship and how she'd always want me in her life. We made massive plans and she would insist that she loved me more than anyone, though she could never say why.Anyway, over the summer I went to visit her. Things went great at first, but I became incredibly nervous around her, which stopped me being as talkative and I know made things difficult.However, she also became very distant. After only three weeks we had broken up. When it happened she seemed more upset about losing contact with mutual friends than with me, though she later said that she was more worried about losing me.At the end of the week we were back together, but she was still being distant. We had fun when my nerves weren't stopping me from relaxing, but she still would not reply to texts or initiate anything.After another three weeks we had broken up again, two weeks later she was with someone else and I was back in this country.I found out recently form a mutual friend that the reasons she gave for breaking up with me (she didn't tell me) were peer pressure (I never met her friends) and that there was 'something disturbing' about me, which I find very offensive, since I'm normally told that I'm a very warm person.Anyway, sorry for the massive backstory, but it's needed to answer my question: Did she really care?At times it seemed like she did, when she would say that she wanted to make me happy and ask if she did make me happy. But looking back it seems like she didn't love me for who I was, more that I was always there to make her feel better about herself or listen to what she had to say.And I know that things can go wrong when you meet someone for the first time, but since we got on so well online and for the first few times we met I imagined that if she loved me then she would have spoken to me, that she would have made efforts to make it work. 3 weeks seems like a short time to give it to me, but considering that we only met at most twice a week anyway (my work and her course) and it's a pathetically small amount of time to give up in.But was I expecting too much for her to work things out with me?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 March 2011):
 you are welcome. Hope the future is brighter, regards Abella
A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (26 March 2011):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the question A very logical way to look at it, and it makes a lot of sense.
I can't thank you enough, it's really helped me get over this. After-all, it seems like I'm not missing out on much, and how can you miss something you never really had in the first place?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 March 2011):
if someone can get over a breakup so very quickly then i question whether
(a)were they shallow just pretending feel what they did not
(b)were they incapable of loving another - there are people who are not well who can do cruel things to others - and yet not feel anything, and register no emotion. And therefore able to stop a relationship and start a new one the
same day
(c) there are weak individuals who just meekly follow a parent (or friends) direction about who to love or not love because they want approval from those friends or the parent more than they care about the 'love interest.
They are spineless and cannot be relied on. They cannot sustain relationships if the parent or friends will not support it. And they miss out on depth in their because they allow others to dictate who they should or should not love.
...............................
A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (26 March 2011):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is a very in-depth answer, and is very much appreciated, thankyou!
Although I still believe that online relationships can work, I also think that they can help maintain an unrealistic dream-like relationship, as well as what you said. As for my next relationship, it all depends, I wasn't planning to falling for someone online to begin with.
She definitely does label her exes, she even went as far to describe all of her previous exes as 'evil', which really was a sour thing to do.
She invited me to go to a few of the events at her uni at first, but that quickly vanished when her friends gave the impression that they wouldn't like to meet me.
I'm not so sure about her inability to maintain a relationship, from what I've heard she is still with this other guy. Nevertheless, I'm not too fussed about whether her and I were compatible or not now.
I'm more confused about what to expect from a relationship, surely even if it was pressure for her, or if we didn't get along, or whatever the reason, then surely she would have spoken to me, or tried to do something about it if she had wanted to make it work? Or is it normal for someone to truly love someone else and then just give up that quickly?
Thank you, you have helped me look at this in a new light. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 March 2011):
sadly, it easy to build up a person into something you imagine them to be, when a relationship is primarily on line.Maybe she can sustain a relationship when she spreads herself thinly across multiple people and when contact is limited with each person, such as online?You met her a few times. You had hope, which was reasonable in the circumstances. But her labelling of you was disgraceful. And it is not caring behavior to so label you.But perhaps the three weeks was just a little more than she could handle?And maybe the pressure builds up if she has to interact in person? Meeting you in person may have exposed her inability to sustain a relationship, so she vilified you. Not very smart on her part.As mentioned above, labeling is wrong. I find it very disturbing that she would stoop to make that uncalled for remark about you. It suggests very poor judgement on her part. Unless she is a qualified registered medical professional authorised to diagnose clients for such conditions then her analysis is just nonsense. Who does she think she is? Bullies ill often try to do this to try to justify theirnasty behavior and vilify their victim, behind their back.Did she invite you to visit her?Did she give you the impression that you would be warmly welcome, if you visited her?Sadly the results suggest that she was unprepared for you. Or unable to cope with you? Whichever way you look at it, she seems false to me. And not as caring as you may have imagined. Some people toss 'honey' and 'love' and 'sweetie' like a an ocean wave tosses grains of sand around in the ocean. Less is more. Being over familiar is not always genuine. It is important to accurately 'read' people to separate those with integrity versus people who are not genuine.Perhaps join a community group or a volunteer focused group or a group interested in something you are interested in? Get to know the people there. Socialise with them. Keep your eye out for a person you might like to ask for coffee? Resolve to concentrate on face to face relationships.This unfortunate connection with her has taught you that people are not always as they seem. And that maybe 100 per cent face to face relationships might better suit your needs and skills. And help you locate someone who is more real and more genuine than Ms Online.Good luck with the future,Abella
...............................
|
