A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilema. I recently started allowing my son (I'll call him Elijah) to see his father's side of the family. He is 18 months old and hasn't seen them in 14 months. During the four months I was still married to his father we lived at his parent's house. His sister lived on one side and his brother lived on the other side of his parents house so the family was pretty close together. During the 4 months I had lived there, my ex's parent's saw Elijah maybe 3 times (they just had to come up the stairs). His sister saw Elijah twice and his brother saw him once. A month after I split with his father it was nearing Christmas and I gave his family the opportunity to come to a resteraunt to see Elijah (I was uncomfortable with letting them be alone around him due to how they had treated other children). They passed up the opportunity because they didn't feel they should have to go anywhere to see Elijah that he could only be brought to there house. So it was then that I came up with the decision that if they wanted a relationship with Elijah they should be making the effort not me. So when the divorce was over I let the attorney pass on my phone and address to my ex and that was the last time I heard from them. My ex got supervised visitation with Elijah (due to the fact that he had been so neglectful with his daughter and I was concerned for Elijah). There was also a restraining order put into place due to domestic violence which had taken place. The order had expired in december of 2010 and my ex had contacted me asking if I would be willing to bring Elijah over for Christmas. We got together for Christmas for the first time with the family and it went pretty good. Now He goes up there on a regular basis and sees his grandmother. I have tried to get Elijah's aunt to allow him to see his cousin who is 3 but she says that she won't allow her son around Elijah because I might take him away again. I tried to tell her that I never took Elijah away from the family and that it was the family that had pushed him away. This reunited relationship has also caused some sparks with my ex's daughter's mom(Alisha). She no longer will allow her daughter around my ex because I am "back in the picture". Alisha and I have been allowing our children to get to know each other over the past two months because they are brother and sister and she has finally allowed it. However now she has taken her daughter out of my son's life. I am so confused and hurt by what is going on and I don't understand. Should I have kept my son out of this mess or did I do the right thing by allowing him back with a family that never seemed interested before? Should I continue the relationship he has created with his grandma, even though she has all these people coming in and out of her house saying hurtful things to me? I have gotten the whole family to agree to a sit down meeting where we can all talk this stuff out, but I have a feeling it won't change anything. Any ideas? Should I push the fact that they aren't allowing their kids a relationship with Elijah or should I not even bother discussing it. HELP!!
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (27 January 2011):
 This is an excellent question, and I can't believe I'm the first person to respond! You have done the right thing! It's important that your son be allowed to develop a relationship with his father's family.
I sense there are some underlying issues that prevented your former in-laws from coming over to your house to visit the baby when you were living near them. Perhaps they felt uninvited. They may have thought it was strange that you didn't bring the baby over to see them.
I think it is a good idea to sit down with the family and discuss the issues that have been bother you. Let them know you were hurt that they didn't visit you... and that you got the impression they didn't want to be a part of Elijah's life. However, you need to be tactful in your delivery... be sincere, don't attack them or act defensive... be honest, but be sensitive to their feelings as well. Everything needs to be discussed. Also, ask them how they feel and if you have done anything that they found offensive or hurtful.
What do you plan on saying at this meaning? And will there be someone there to mediate... someone who is neutral?
I look forward to hearing your response. You are doing the right thing for your son. Good luck!
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