A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my man for 3 yearsI love him so much and literally want to spend my life with him.However a girlfriend of mine told me that I have changed since I have been with my man. I always knew her and my man didn’t get along but they hardly saw each other so it wasn’t a massive deal and none of us spoke about it much. Now I've found out that she absolutely hates him and that it has ruined our friendship. He hasn’t done anything major to her , she just thinks he’s rude etc. Apparently I used to be really spontaneous and fun.So she hasn’t mentioned this for the past 3 years but has now.the thing is I know I have changed as a person over the last 3 years, I want to go far in life and am academic however in high school I wasn’t very interested in doing well.I'm really scared because she’s making it out that I’ve changed loads and that I’m so different and its down to him but at the same time I know its me too.Now I either have a choice of keeping things how they are but will always have resentment for her for hating my man and always have it in the back of my head that he has changed me too.OrForget my friend. Stay happy with my man and that be that.OrConsider ending things with my man. I would never want to do this but after thinking about it for a few days I’m only young and don’t want to turn around later on in life and feel insecure that I’m not my own person.Right now I feel so insecure. My best friend has told me that I’m a different person, basically doesn’t like who I am and that she hates my man. But it’s not like I’m in a short term relationship. I really can’t remember life without him.What do I do ? And who’s in the wrong?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 March 2010):
Not to put a fine point to it, but maybe he's done you some good. You've stopped smoking, you don't drink as much. And you're not so 'crazy', as she put it. There is nothing wrong with you going out, but with the other respects it actually sounds more like he's really helped you grow up. I'd suggest that your friend is more of a problem here.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Without knowing you personally before and after it would be hard to say wether it is you who have changed or that is just your friends perception based on her dislike of who you are in a relationship with.
However, I have observed quite a few women 'change' when in a relationship - usually younger women with few boyfriends who are trying to be what they think their partners wants instead of staying the person their partner first met.
That said, compromise has a place in relationships so naturally some tendencies may get curbed, ... but just experiencing new dynamics can impact upon people and they change accordingly.
There is nothing neccessarily wrong with change tho, we all grow as people. All encounter new experiences that can alter our outlooks and perspectives, etc. The only thing that is important is that the change has come from within oneself - not imposed upon them by another, and that it is not to the detriment of the persons own sense of happiness and fullfillment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe just said i used to be more fun and crazy , the thing is i dont drink or smoke anymore because i dont like what it does to me but i used to have the 'i dont care' attitude'
which i do think he has changed me , like i dont go out as much but its not like i spend all my time with him & not her , i literally see him once or most twice a week.
im so confused:(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): It sounds like Chloe is one of those friends who is scared to lose you to a serious, happy relationship. You said you're happy with him, and that's all that matters, unless you are willing to choose being with your friend over being with a man who is possibly well grounded and wants to do well in life, as you do. Unless he's very controlling and you make the mistake of doing only as he says, which I don't see happening here, there's nothing wrong with your relationship as Chloe's trying to brainwash you to think, and I believe she might just be very jealous over the fact that as a couple, he'll obviously get more time spent with you. I wouldn't listen to your friend for one bit, because she has no right getting involved with or judging your relationship(or your man). She could be doing something more constructive with her life, too, if she wasn't spending so much time judging yours. Tell her you don't want her talking about your bf or acting up about him or your relationship, for that matter, or you'll be forced to distance yourself from her when you feel you have to. You can always find another "best friend" but you'll have a way more difficult time finding another "good man". Good luck with your decision.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 March 2010):
Has she told you how you've changed?
I ask that, because it seems more like she is jealous than anything else. Your friend has essentially said she hates your boyfriend, yet hasn't given a reason, and now says you've changed, and hasn't told you how.
You can't ask us to make the decision. What I will say is this. Sit down and really think. Is this man the man you want to spend your life with? Are you happy. If yes, then stay with him. Don't let one friend edge you into decisions. Listen to your own heart.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 If you are happy with your man - forget your friend. There is a chance that she could be jealous of your relationship. She says that you have changed - maybe you just grew up a little and she hasn't.
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