A
male
age
41-50,
*onaldo
writes:I was told that a workmate fancied me. I vowed to myself that I'd play it cool as she's got a child from a previous relationship in which she also suffered abuse. I wanted to get to know her properly first before anything else happened and also to make sure that I wasn't being used for her to get over her ex. A month on and a couple of dates later she says that she could love me but that she believes that a father and mother should try and be together for the sake of the child, a view I admire in some ways. I can also understand that she still has feelings for the father of her child despite the abuse. But I've fallen for her and it hurts. I know I could make her happy if given the chance but that in some ways I feel that she doesn't believe she deserves to be happy. Should I keep trying to build her self esteem in the hope that I will win her heart in the end? I'm prepared to fight for her.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 If you build up her esteem, chances are she will only feel for you as a friend and therapist, but not a potential suitor. This woman has lots of bagage...a dysfunctional family, and in love with an abuser...I see it as a no win situation for you. SHE is the only person that can get herself out of her mess. Walk away, and put your energies to someone that can return your love with a lot less drama.
-FBK
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Quite frankly, I don't admire nor respect her belief "that a father and mother should try and be together for the sake of the child" especially in light of the fact, that he has abused her. What the heckis she thinking? Walking back into a volatile, dysfunctional relationship with a man who treats her this way? And now, whe wants to expose her child to it? I don't care if he's the bio Dad...no kid deserves a life like that. Hun, you have become involved with a very emotionally needy woman in which you fell in love with. I do not know why she feels this need to go back to this BS and an abusive boyfriend to deal with and expose her child to. This is not the clear, mature thinking of a woamn who is thinking of the well-being of her child! Some people can't let go of familiar patterns and it'splain to see, being mistreated and abused may be familiar to her. How sad. It's hard to tell you what to do in this situation. Do you want to 'save'this woman and her child not just from this bf...but from 'herself' because she sounds emotionally broken. If I were you, I would pull away and think long and hard about this. You may be better off to let this one go, heal recover and go find a less complicated gf. If you do, in the future...I think you need to learn how to discern and really get to know someone, like the back of your hand... before giving your heart away to them.
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A
male
reader, Ronaldo +, writes (24 May 2007):
Ronaldo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughts everyone, definately tnings that have been running through my mind. I guess patience is the key but it's not always easy. Time seems to be moving to fast but progress seems too slow. I'll keep being a friend to her and someone she can rely on. If it's meant to be then so be it.
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A
female
reader, supersofi  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Do you know any other female friends who have been through similar experiences to her, and worked their way through it? If so, it could be an idea to introduce them to each other and advise your friend on what you are trying to do. As she needs to talk to other females who have been through these experiences and learn to move on. But you must also be prepared to let go, if need be. Many women leave a domestically abusive partner several times before they make a complete break. The only thing you can do, if she has made up her mind, if you are strong enough is to let her know that you will be there as a friend if she ever needs one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Continue to tell her that you love her and want to build a life with her and her child, if that is your true desire. There must be a reason she is no longer with the father of her child, did she leave, or did he? At any rate, gently remind her that she will be repeating the pattern of abuse if she returns to that man. And the abuse may not stop with her, it may carry over to her child now, so ask her if she wants to put her life and her child's life at risk? Once you help her see the realistic part of her idealic notion that mothers and fathers should always stay together, you may have a chance with her. She has to begin to see this as a step towards a healthy, happier life with someone who will love and respect her. Give it time. Be patient. Patterns are hard to break. Self esteem is hard to re-build but hopefully she will eventually see the light.
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Unfortunately, this isn't a situation that you can fight for her in. She has a child, and if she's got it's best intentions at heart, you need to not be selfish. Respect her wishes, and move on to better waters.
DV1
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