A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for 5 months now and we haven’t had sex yet which isn’t exactly a bad thing but he always makes up some excuse like if my child wakes up or he drank too much or its too soon. We have had some foreplay but when I try to engage in anything he is limp or goes limp. I’m not sure what to do I’m feeling self-conscious about this, also I have tried to mention in the nicest way if there’s something wrong I will help and he should talk to me but he gets upset, I’m pretty sure I’m his first real girlfriend. I have known him for many years and he never dated anyone and he’s 27!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): the scenarios are 1 he's gay 2 he's married or dating someone else and doesn't want to cheat 3 he's got ED because of drugs, alcohol, etc or 4 he's just not into you or 5 he's gay. just eliminate the options - has he ever had an erection, is he a virgin, etc.
A
male
reader, steaknife +, writes (28 May 2009):
I don't know guys, between thelovecoach and the anon below her, i think they pretty much got it covered as far as the situation is concerned. I would listen to those two the most... and certainly the problem has nothing to do with you. its either a psychological issue, such as he's nervous, or its a medical issue as in E.D. or premature ejaculation. the two guys that are calling him gay, i don't agree with their stance.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 May 2009):
 I have to agree....
It's not performance anxiety after 5 months...He's playing for the other team and thought maybe he could turn himself.
Is he a republican?
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveCoach +, writes (28 May 2009):
 I went through something similar when I was in my 20's with a guy who was very uncomfortable with his sexuality. In the end, we were not a match and went our separate ways. I'm going to ask you to do something difficult, but ultimately better for your own peace of mind:
Stop trying to be helpful. He may only see this as more pressure to "perform." By trying to help him with the very thing that he sees as the expression of his masculinity, you risk emasculating him. If you were in a long-term relationship, things would be different, but you've only been dating for 5 months.
Back off and give him all the time in the world he needs. Yes, I know that's very hard when you are attracted to him. Unfortunately, he may begin to blame you for his inability to be sexual with you if he thinks you're pressuring him.
You may decide that you want to downgrade this relationship to a friendship for the time being. Ask yourself if you want to be involved with someone who has sexual difficulties at such a young age. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life trying to coax a man into being sexual with you? This can only lead to frustration, resentment, and anger.
Remember, you cannot change anyone else's behavior. He is the one who must see this as a problem and decide to act on it. No amount of "helpfulness" on your part will change that. He has to be the one who takes the initiative. Men respond to distance. It is very possible that if you gently make yourself less available and become more invested in your life, work, hobbies, friends, family, etc., that he will want to do something to make things work.
I wish you the best of success,
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS LPC
Your Successful Singles Love Coach
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I would say you need to sit him down and talk to him one on one. Make sure that he knows that he can confide in you without you being judgmental. Men may not show it, but they are emotional creatures as well, especially when it comes to matters of sex.
The fact that he is limp when you two try to "fire it up" could be an emotional response. You said that he did say that he was just not ready yet. Remember, each and every man is different and wants and needs different things from a relationship. Another possibility is that he may have E.D. (Erectile Disfuntion) or be suffering from premature ejaculation problems and not be comfortable telling you so early in a relationship.
You have to remember, just as you would expect a man to be sensitive to your wants and needs, try to be sensitive to his, even if they seem hard to find. Its obvious that he is uncomfortable and needs support through this tough time. Sit down and talk with him. He may not be ready at first, but just let him know your there and that you will not judge him for his shortcomings. It will be best for both of you. And who knows, maybe eventually youll spark a fire in him.
I wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): It's only a bad thing when he's not being upfront about what's going on and making excuses! I'd get tired of that and wonder what his problem is. He may have psychological issues that prevent him from getting erect or medical ones. I'm sure it's very hard for him to talk about but it's also unfair to you to be kept in suspense and on hold. You have a right to know what's going on and as tough as it is for him to say, it's so unfair of him to think that he can avoid this issue. At the very least, you'd think he'd take care of his problem on his own (like going to the doctor or whatever) so you aren't dragged into it. Try being firm, calm, and direct and give him a time period in which you expect to get an answer so he has time to think about what he's going to say and not feel put on the spot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Well then he's probably just really nervous. Emotions do play a part in the erection. If he is too nervous or scared, then he won't be able to maintain an erection long enough to do anything with it.
Also, he may have a problem that he's embarassed about. For instance, he can't keep it up ot he knows he can't last long but he doesn't want to you to find out. He's not comfortable putting that out in the open yet.
I'm sure the problem is not you.
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