A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy for a little while who is the stereotypical nice guy who gets dumped on.I'm quite mad about him and let him know how I feel, but he's quite withdrawn from me alot of the time and I can tell he's scared of getting hurt.He's had 2 serious girlfriends and both were happy to have him spend a fortune on him but they never gave anything back in the relationship, and both cheated on him and basically treated him like dirt.I'm nothing like his ex's and he says he's not used to someone being so nice to him (I'm not even OTT nice, just normal nice!) but he likes it. but I find it quite hard as I'm not used to someone with so much emotional baggage - please help!!He recently went out with his mates and got quite drunk and text me some really really lovely soppy things, but I don't get alot of that any other time and I miss stuff like that - when we're alone together he'll be quite cuddly but not in front of others, I just find that hard as it's not what I'm used to...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): If he's texted you soppy things then there is something behind the exterior, a feeling for you. Maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things go. You can't make him trust you, just give it time so that he learns to. Provided you want to wait.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): The withdrawn, emotionally distant man who doesn't like public displays of affection. Did you ever consider that this might be the real him? Getting hurt in the past may have something to do with it, but most guys who are emotionally available and open will not let that stand in their way of finding love.
Perhaps you are with an emotionally unavailable man. What you might want to do is stop "being so nice" and make him move towards you. Be busy, be distracted, ignore him, if he withdraws, leave the room....more than likely after an hour he will notice you are gone and come looking for you.
Google emotionally unavailable man and see if he fits.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 Be careful so you won't get heart. A nice guy who has been taken advantage of twice, can get very, very defensive which i find completely normal. His self-defence mechanism might take over and indicate him to keep a distance. So to answer your question, if you really care for this man be patience and loving. He might reciprocate...he might not, but that's all you can do i think. Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): He seems to me very unknowing and labile, has little if anything to offer at this time. Let him spend some time alone to pull himself together and learn from those failed relationships, if he is the type who cares to change his unfavourable conditions and has a clue what to do to get there. Getting drunk doesn't do it. Maybe at some point he will stop drinking and sobbing around and, but don't rely on that too much and get living your own life.
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A
male
reader, Wontonbomb +, writes (20 December 2009):
 Woah older sister, the guy has been hurt in the past and now he's cautious. You blow up like that? Good luck finding a nice guy with that attitude. I guess the kid in the wheelchair should be grateful he isnt dead and suck it up right? (I realise that is a very extreme comparison but it supports my argument)
If hes been hurt before he is very likely to be cautious about any new relationships. But if you open up to him and show him you care he will come around. It took me nearly half a year to actually move on and be truly intimate with another woman after my first break up, but she was sweet and caring and helped me to understand I don't have to be scared. (she also broke my heart but that is by-the-by :P)
Just be honest with him. You can never go wrong with honesty.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 December 2009):
So tell him how you feel. Tell him you love his attention, but would like more of it. You are right, he is terrified of being hurt again. But you need to talk to him.
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