A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been having problems with my mother since I was a child, she's extremely controlling and it's becoming worse in the last few years.My mam has brought me up as a single parent for all my life and we've always lived with my elderly grandmother. My mother looks after my grandmother and doesn't work. She has no friends, no partner, no job or car. For most of her life she has gotten money off the state for being a single mother and she has no skills to speak of. After May when I finish college she will be receiving no money at all off the state and I work part-time as well so I'm the sole earner and I don't make that much. She doesn't get along with the rest of the family either and lives off her money and my nan's pension.Now she controls every aspect of my life. Makes me feel guilty for everything I do and nothing I do is ever good enough for her. I work, I've nearly gotten my degree and I do various voluntary work. I've never gotten into trouble and have never given her any trouble and yet she goes on like I'm the bain of her existance. I'm being made feel guilty for having a boyfriend, for spending too much time with my friend's, for doing voluntary work (because I don't get paid and we've no money come May), for not having a car, for going to work (?), for not being paid more, for spending money... I could go on and on and the contradictions are even worse... She also suffers from depression and won't get medication, she says she's stuck in a rut and I won't help her, whenever I try she says 'Oh how do you expect me to do that with no money/no confidence?' etc... I can't talk to her because she'll be very aggressive with me, she's very nasty and a horrible person a lot of the time.When she's not in a mood she's great, we get along really well but lately she's making me hate her more and more... She depends on me emotionally and is afraid I'll move out. She expects me to look after her for the rest of my life and is so money-orientated and is expecting me to provide for her financially after May. She's now making it increasingly hard for me to have a boyfriend or have friends. I still feel like a child around her and she makes me feel so guilty about everything. She questions me over coming in late, going out with my friends ( and mostly it's just to their house to watch a film and chat) and spending too much time out of the house. My grandmother agrees with everything she says so I can't talk to her and I'm close with the rest of my family. I'm sorry this is so long but I'm really stuck in a rut with this and don't know what to do :( Any advice is appreciated :)
View related questions:
confidence, grandmother, her ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): Wow I just want to say thanks to everyone that contributed to my question. All the answers are so helpful & really eye-opening. The main pattern I see here is to move out sooner rather than later, believe me if I get full time hours during the summer I'm certainly going to save up for a small place. My boyfriend always talks about getting a place in the future & I just seem to smile & avoid the ensuing conversation. He knows she has depression but he nor my friend's know the full extent of her behaviour.
Thanks again for the advice & taking the time to write it, you all make perfect sense & it's advice I will definitely use, thank you :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): you have to set personal boundaries and enforce them and not give into your mom's demands anymore no matter how bad it makes you feel or how bad she makes you feel. the point is that every time you cave in, you are showing your mom that she's right and what she's doing "works" for her to get what she wants, so she'll keep doing it.
to get a controlling person to be less controlling, you have to change YOUR behavior to be less compliant, to be a roadblock to them so that they are wasting their own time and energy on you.
This is by no means easy. If it were that easy life would be a lot simpler. Expect fall out to occur. It definitely will occur.
The point is that you have to stay strong and not crack despite the fall out, no matter how bad the consequences gets. This is the really difficult part. But eventually if they can't get their way they will give up (at least some of the time).
Negotiating usually does not work with controlling people. Trying to out-reason their arguments does not work because they are not driven by logic they are driven by what they want. You need to stand up for yourself and state your boundaries and uphold them. Trying to negotiate compromises this.
If you make it difficult for them to get what they want from you, despite them increasing their threats and crying and guilt-tripping, eventually they may get tired of expending the effort. Don't expect this to happen overnight though, it doesn't happen from one event, when you stand up for your boundaries it has to be a lifestyle change. That's why it's difficult because you're in for the long haul but it has to be done.
That's why you should also create distance between you and her, so that you aren't always having your senses assaulted every minute of every day.
Moving out is something you may really need to do. If you can't handle the fall out that would bring, how about if you just make arrangements with friends to stay overnight at their place a few nights a week - maybe rotate friends so as to not overstay your welcome - while still formally keeping your official residence with your mom.
Her controlling attempts will probably never stop completely, because it's an ingrained personality characteristic . but can be reduced in frequency and severity if she perceives it to be a waste of her time and energy since you're no longer complying (as was the case with my mother). The relationship may never be a fully happy and functional normal one, but it can be made into a happier and more functional and more normal one than it is right now.
However.
Many times, controlling people just will not change, and if that's the case you have to distance yourself from them if not to terminate the relationship completely. There are other times when the control freak may change a bit but the emotional toll to you is so great that you still need to extricate yourself from the relationship or create more distance in it.
my mother is also a control freak, always treating me like a child. She is the eldest of 5 siblings. When she was a kid their father abandoned them and her mom was an alcoholic and so she had to raise her 4 younger siblings while she was herself only a kid. she had to grow up fast and be a very take-charge person, she's used to making all decisions unilaterally. That's where her controlling nature comes from, I get that. I actually respect her for having come through that tough childhood. But she's not in that same situation any more so her behavior now is not acceptable.
She always finds some random issue to get upset at me about and demand that I do things according to her opinion even though it's none of her business. If I disagree or say no she will argue with me for hours on end. She's the one who will raise her voice and yell at me first if I simply say no to something whether it's disagreeing with her opinion or not going along with what she says (because it's none of her business). I have a doctorate and am very accomplished and well respected in my field. My husband owns his own successful small business. Yet in my mother's eyes we're still just a bunch of clueless teenagers who don't know what we're doing or where we're headed in life.
It wasn't until I was about 30 that I started to stand up to her because I had just had enough. I was getting so stressed out because every time I would see my mom there would inevitably be a yelling match that would ensue over something trivial because she cannot tolerate even the slightest dissent on issues that are none of her business. I have fought with my mom way more as an adult than I ever did as a teenager (because as a teenager I was still being pushed around by her so she got her way).....the result is after several years she's become a bit less controlling. She hasn't pulled any major stunts on me in the last 5 years like she used to do frequently. Control freaks rarely "recover" fully. The most you can hope for is improvement. She still does try but not as often and not as severe.
However I won't pretend that things are rosy either. A big reason things are better is because I've distanced myself from her. We do not have a close mother-daughter relationship which is a pity because I think she is wise about many things in life and there are times I would like to consult her opinion but feel I need to maintain the distance in case she tries to take over my life again. And when she does still occasionally try a control attempt, I have an innate knee jerk instinct to over react which makes ME look like the "bad guy" (to other people).
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 The things you are doing, despite the situation you are in, are amazing. You've been brought up by someone, who was brought up by someone who would rather have life control them and their situation, instead of taking control of their own lives. It's sad they are that way, but it is neither your fault or your responsibility. You have been following your direction, and have been raised and are now an adult. It is not your duty to then become the parent of your parent and grandparent. No matter what they say, you have no reason to feel guilty for following this path you have been on. If anything, they should feel guilty for how they have been treating you.
Your mom's lack of confidence is personal. It's hers. It's not your fault, nor do you have the power to create confidence in her. You can't produce in her what she's choosing not to have. If she asks for help, like how to, or will you join her in seeing a counselor for support, that would be okay. Don't feel obligated to what she wants you to do, because (1) It's not your job (2) It wouldn't benefit her, other than allowing her to change from one form of support to another, but really not doing anything herself or working on bettering herself. Even though it's difficult, sometimes the best help you can give someone, is not to help. She needs to break her dependency, and if you were to financially support her, she'd take that easy way out and not see that the only way to really survive is to change who she is and what she's doing.
I want you to follow your dream. Ignore what they say. You know what you are doing is what you need to be doing. That's what matters. Pray they change their positions, but knowing they have to make that decision, and you can't force them to. I know, with depression getting life going can be difficult. I don't know your mom's history, so I can't comment further on that. This is your life, and your choices. From what I read, you are right where you need to be, dong what you need to be doing. Keep it up, and don't get discouraged by what those who are not doing anything tell you.
If it continues, you might want to think about making your move early. It may be hard, but needed. I'd tell your mom that you need to because how she is toward you is causing you to loose your focus in what you need to be doing to grow and mold yourself into the wonderful adult young lady that you are. You can say it nicely, although don't expect her to see it as that. In a way, how she sees it is not as important as you knowing that you had, and knowing the reasons why the decision had to be made.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, yorkshireboii  +, writes (10 January 2011):
Hun, do what I did, and get out of there. You say your mother is scared you will leave? Maybe this is the wake up call she needs to change herself.
What kind of mother would put such an enormous amount of pressure on a young girl with her own life? You know, people like your mother need to realise they have only ONE life and spending it in misery and anger is no way to experience what the world has to offer.
You seem to have a very strong head on your shoulders, and I commend you for your help you have clearly given to your mother, but seriously, if you want to live your life, you are going to need to get out there and fulfil your dreams. You can not be tied down by nobody. You will never regret it, you will have broken free of her bonds and maybe shook her into action. So it's like hitting two birds with one stone.
Good Luck, and I hope my advice helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (10 January 2011):
 My sympathies to you. I have a mother just like yours, except that my mother has a husband. She ran our entire family, controlling everyone and making everyone's life hell if we didn't do what she said. I'm almost 50, and she's still the same way. I live almost 2000 miles away from her and like it that way. I wish I could say we have a good relationship, but we don't. We speak very little just because I am always unhappy when we do speak. She seems to know just the right thing to say to hurt, and doesn't ever think she does anything wrong. So trust me, I know where you are coming from.
May I make a suggestion? Move out darling...get yourself a room mate, a couple of room mates, move in with your boyfriend..but get out. The sooner the better.
It isn't your fault that your mother is angry, and has no life. She has chosen to live that way, and takes her anger depression out on you. But you don't need to keep taking the abuse. And yes, living with a person like that is a form of abuse. You can't make her want to get help, she has to do that herself. My sister and I decided a long time ago that our mother has most of the traits of being bi-polar. She never would go to the doctor. So we had no choice but to distance ourself from her. It hurt me then, it hurts me now, but quite honestly, I got tired of being her scrape goat. As you obviously are tired of being your mother's. Please find a way to move out sweetheart. It will do you a world of good. You can't help your mom, but you can help yourself. The sooner, the better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Azza +, writes (10 January 2011):
Have all these problems come around since your mother knew she would get no more money from you come May? The pressure of having to worry about where your money is coming from can be very daunting. She should work herself and not look to use you as an excuse for why things might be bad. You seem like you are doing everything you can with school, work and even volunteer work. You can't help with how much you get paid with the click of your fingers though you could do full-time work if you had enough hours. You need to spend your money on the essentials.
You are doing everything you can in my eyes and she's being very harsh on you. It isn't acceptable and she is pushing you out in some sense, which is what she's afraid of. Maybe you should just to make you a little happier.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Hi there.
I really feel for you and your situation. You are clearly a good person and I know you must care for and love your mum and your grandmother, despite the difficulties you describe, to stay in the situation you are in.
The feeling I get is that I think you need to be a bit more selfish, you need to put yourself first. Your mother is relying on you for emotional and financial support. This is NOT your role as her child. It should be the other way round hun, I'm sure you know this.
I think the best thing you could possibly do for everyone's sake, and most importantly your own, is to move out. I know your mum won't be happy with this and she may even throw a tantrum so to speak about it, she may feel you are deserting her or disrespecting her. But these are HER feelings, they belong to her and she has to deal with them. You are not responsible for her feelings. She is the adult.
It shows your age range as 22-25 and you say you have nearly finished Uni. Now would be the perfect time to move out. Do you feel obliged to live with her? How long do you want to be in that situation? At some point you will have to move out, for your own sanity. You are old enough to live your own life now and she is old enough to understand she has no right to stop you or make you feel guilty. But from your post, I feel that if you left, she would act extremely hurt and may even stop talking to you or something like that to show you how much you have "hurt her". But you have to remember sweetheart, by moving out and living your own life, you are not responsible for the fact she is alone. She is the only person responsible for her own happiness, as are you for yours.
Pleas start making plans. Do you have a friend you can get a house share with? It will be much cheper than renting on your own, and more fun. Once you finish Uni you will be able to get a full time job so you can afford this. Keep up with the volunteering and going to friends houses. These are very worthwhile things and will help keep your mind off your difficult family situation. Once you get out of there you will feel stringer, and stronger.
Now I know you don't want to just abandon your mother and grandmother. I know you love them and they love you, despite the demanding behaviour. Your mum is afraid you will leave because she will be alone. With her depression she may feel desperate about her situation and cannot see a way forward. She needs to get help. You can only move forward, get over depression, gain confidence and self esteem, by choosing to move forward for yourself. You have to take little steps, get out there and become a more active person. Can you encourage her to join a social club or take an evening class?
Perhaps when you move out she will realise she needs to make a change in her life. Also when you do move out, reassure her that you just need to have your own space because you are an adult now and need to have your own home to do that, but say you will continue to visit her etc. Why not suggest an activity you could do together, outside of the house? Does she like swimming, or salsa, or painting, or country walks or horseriding? Is there something you can do together that will get her active and out of the house? This is the BEST remedy for depression, honestly. Getting active really helps.
But at the end of the day, you need to make the choices you need to, to make youself happy. Don't feel you are responsible for your mother's situation. You have been a good child and have stayed by her side much longer than you needed to.
If your mother won't get help for her situation, perhaps you could get some counselling on your own? Try contancting RELATE, they deal with family relationships and would be able to help you figure out what you can do. Do whatever you need to do to be happy. You are not responsible for your mum's life.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, HopelessRomantic66 +, writes (10 January 2011):
My mother was very similar to your mother. She was single, and we lived with my grandparents for a time. She did not have to care for them, though. However, my entire life she tried to control me until I was around your age. She, too, sufferend from a mental illness and wouldn't acknowlege it. I finally reached my limit, moved out and never looked back. We continued a relationship, but it forced her to stand on her own. Eventually, she tried to make me choose between the man who was my husband and her. My marriage wasn't the greatest, but since we had a child, I chose my husband. I did not speak to my mother for 5 years.
We eventually repaired our relationship and had 5 good years together at the end of her life. However, it was a long struggle to get there, including lots of talking, understanding, and forgiveness.
The best answer I can say here is take care of yourself first. She's not going to change unless you stand up and do what you think is right for you. It is not disrespectful to move away and live your life. It is what you should do. It will be up to your mother to sink or swim. Sometimes, they just need a rude awakening to realize we are adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): Your situation is very hard. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. You have the right to live your life. On the other hand, she is your mother, and this must be very difficult for you. Depression is very hard to cope with. If she gets over her depression, things will be much easier for you. So instead of thinking you have to choose between living your life or taking care of your mother, try to focus on the root of the problem: your mother's depression. Find a way for her to get professional help, a therapist, a doctor that prescribes the right medication, and hobbies, or maybe a job (a job could also help in the sense that she won't need your financial support). Convincing her to keep herself busy, doing things that she enjoys and that keep her distracted might go a long way. Since she's depressed, it won't be easy to make her do something about this situation. But try to do the best you can, and don't give up living your life. You don't want to look back and think you missed chances because of your mother, do you? Do the best you can to get her the help she needs, and at the same time, live your life. It's not your fault that she's depressed. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. Try to keep your own sanity, do what makes you happy, and keep in mind that depression is hard to deal with and you shouldn't humor her all the time, thus feeding her depression and inertia even further. I don't know how support groups or therapy work in your country, but google away, and find a solution that involves getting 3rd-party help for her depression. I wish you all the best.
...............................
|
