A
female
age
51-59,
*everneverland
writes:I have been with my partner now for 12 months on and off (I am 47 and he is 50). We have had some lovely times together but I think he is a commitment phobic.Every few weeks he will start a row with me, usually over nothing, he has a jealous personality and it is usually about me going out with my friends (I think its just an excuse). When he does this he wont answer the phone to me and completely ignores me and I end up doing all the running. It has been like this from the beginning of our relationship. He has a reputation of being a womaniser and has had several relationships over the last 6 years, in which none of them have lasted over 12 months.We have fallen out again because he said he would like to sell his house and we talked about living together but he has now said he cant see a future with me. We havent spoken now for over a week as I havent contacted him (only the odd text). He texed me yesterday saying he didnt think it would hurt but it does. I texted him back saying we should stay away from each other for a while as it is too hurtful for me. I am trying to be strong this time and not go running back to him. He misses me when i'm not there but when we get back together he cant seem to sustain a relationship and is scared of commitment. I am unsure if i'm the wrong person for him as my friends attitudes are that if he really wanted to be with me he would. Part of me thinks that and part of me thinks he is just scared of commitment ?
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get back together, jealous, text, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Well, you have some thinking to do.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, neverneverland +, writes (19 September 2011):
neverneverland is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI havent had contact with my ex partner now for almost 2 weeks apart from the odd text but he hasnt changed his facebook status or profile picture (of both of us) and neither have i. I think its just a waiting game to see who does it first but I am reluctant as I didnt want the relationship to end.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 Ask yourself what he has to gain by committing to you - and do it from his perspective; it's about what he values, not what you think he should value. Compare this to what he has now, again using his actual values. Does he truly to stand to gain a lot, from his perspective, by committing? If not, he may not be commitment-phobic, he may just be in a situation that works for him and rationally choosing not to change it. This is a point that a lot of women seem to miss. To him, the occasional drama of relationship limbo may be worth the extra freedom.
Once you've figured it out, it comes down to what you want. Do you want to be with him, specifically? If so, you'll have to change the game - increase what he stands to gain by committing. By this point, it's probably too late to change the equation by threatening to leave, since you two have done the on-again, off-again thing enough that he won't believe it. If you don't want to be with him, move on.
Arguing about it is counterproductive in any event. If he starts an argument, just disengage from it completely.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (16 September 2011):
You are spending WAY too much thinking about him, his fears, his needs, his ‘this’ and his ‘that’. Do you actually think he spends this much time thinking about you?
Is he the right man for YOU?
What if he IS a commitment-phobe? What will that change?
You want to move forward and have a future with someone. Is a commitment-phobe an ideal mate? Living together is unlikely to end the constant fighting - is that the life you want?
Do you always want to be the one who chases your partner even if they are the one who displays bad behaviour?
We teach people how to treat us. You reward his bad behaviour with chance after chance and by chasing him to make things better. Why would he be inspired to treat you with greater respect. He can get a bug up his butt, vent all over you and YOU will chase him around afterwards.
Your friends are right. He’d be with you if he wanted to be. He’d treat you well if he respected your relationship.
Stop texting him. He said he doesn't see a future with you. Now you are free to make a decision – is this what you want or do you want to be available for something better?
And you don’t need to tell him about your decision. Make him wonder what you are thinking/doing for a while - let him chase you. If he has to EARN your forgiveness, he’ll think twice about starting arguments and saying hurtful things; think twice about needing forgiveness next time – presuming there is a next time.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I don't know if it a commitment that is his issues. He sounds toxic. Actually, it sounds like he has boarderline personality disorder (BPD,) too. I love you. I hate you. Don't leave me! Get away from me!
BPD is very treatable with psychoanlysis. But, considering his age it is a doubtful thing he would go into therapy. (A lot of your generation don't believe mental illness is real, especially the men...)
Even if he doesn't have that, he is toxic. He's playing with your heart. It's not right. Don't run back, that's what he wants and expects.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (16 September 2011):
 I'm sorry you were with someone who has commitment issues. I actually talk about this briefly in my article The Top 3 fears That Prevent Successful Relationships (check it here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-top-3-fears-that-prevent-successful-relationships.html ). And yes, it's a real issue. :^)But anyway, when you're with someone who's commitment-phobic, you're gambling with the high probability that you're only going to have a short- or off and on relationship with them. And given your ages (or any age of an adult for that matter), it's important for you to know what your future is going to be...with the person you're seeing. If necessary, you should sit down and have a talk with him. Find out where he stands, what he ultimately want to do moving forward- in or for the relationship, and then YOU could make a decision on what YOU want to do. But from what you know of his past, and the simple fact he hasn't made any serious long-term commitments towards a woman (and on top of that, from what you say, he's a womanizer),you really have to ask yourself the question.."do I truly want to be with him?".I think he has a lot of issues that he needs to work on within himself before he could even think about getting into another relationship with you- or anyone else for that matter. I wish you the very best on the decision(s) that you make.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): he caused an argument by not agreeing? he has had his past used against him and personaly i imagine there is a lack of communication on your part too. you have no right to dig up past relationships as amunition. It may work well with the man haters here but wont help your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): A fear of commitment generally stems from doubts built up over the course of the relationship or from past relationships,otherwise there is not enough love. To ignore you,then something has upset him. Do you see both sides in these situations or just your own? YOU STATE HE HAS A REPUTATION AS A WOMANISER. Is this from your own observation or just something you like to hang on to? I get the impression you probe into his past to use as back up. There are two sides to this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I always think that a person either wants to be with you or not, either wants to make the effort or not. it sounds as if he is a bit half arsed, I personally would take a step back and give it a break. I think that it is a warning the fact he has not been in along term committed relationship these last few years. What about when he was younger? I believe that when a man wants to be with you he will do anything and everything to keep you and not push you away and not be playing stupid games. This guy sounds like he is emotionally immature and probably does not want to settle just in case something better comes along, not realizing that the more he strings women along, the worse it gets and the older he gets, the more lonely he is going to end up. i feel sorry for people like this, as i bet he must have been with women who in normal circumstances he would have committed to. No one person will EVER tick all the boxes and he is living in very high expectation and in a fantasy land that the perfect woman must exist for him...ummm well it sounds like he is hardly perfect himself and I bet he is a very insecure and selfish person too.
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