A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. I am in my mid 30's and have been married for 12 years. I have three children. My marriage has been rocky for years(high financial stress, low level of affection). I have never even looked at another man until a few months ago when I began an emotional affair with another student (we are both in grad school). I have not had sex with him yet. My husband found some emails though and is very hurt and very angry.I know that I was very hungry emotionally and just wanted to feel like someone gave a damn about me. When I got caught I promised to end it but I see this guy nearly every day at school. I love him so much but do not want to further hurt my husband or my kids. How do I get over someone I care so much when I see him all the time??? If there were not children involved I would have left to be with him - period. I'm just so confused .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): I have been married for 15 years and I have 2 beautiful daughters...I was committed and loyal and took my marriage vows very seriously, but we drifted apart as my husband took me for granted, behaved immaturely, disrespected me, and many other disappointments throughout our marriage. I tried and tried to get him on the same page with me until...I got sick of it. Eventually, I ran into an ex from high school...Forget about it!...He filled many voids and I was floating on cloud nine...reminicsing, our chemistry and passion was unbelieveable...I thought I was in love especially during these last 2 years but it started with lunches and coffees 4 1/2 years ago...Why so long? because I found out that my husband had cheated on me with 2 women...I did not confront my husband...I waited over a year to gather more evidence than just a text I found on his cell phone...Another reason why I did not confront him right away..I was going to start off my school year as an elementary school teacher and I had just found out prior to the school year. My students would also suffer the consequences. I was able to suppress it and make excuses not to be intimate with my husband as I worked and gathered evidence to then serve him the divorce papers..which I did. I thought I WAS DONE with my husband. Now, instead of my ex stepping away as a man under this stressful situation and knowing that I'd be dealing with more issues to come, he came at me like a fireball...I allowed it too, but I was vulnerable as well...now, when I started to feel overwhelmed with everything, I needed time for myself, but my ex became obsessively dependent on me. He was incapable of giving me time! He would plead and find ways for me to meet with him. He was also very wealthy and showered me with MANY MANY "tokens of love" as he puts it...from designer clothing, jewelry, fur coats, the list goes on like crazy!.I never asked him for a thing..but yes I did accept them. Although one time, I felt that all of these gifts were wrong, so I attempted to return them. He flipped out and was very offended. As he knew everything that had been going on in my marriage, he talked about marrying me before I had ever served my husband...My ex told me he had never felt this emotion of passion and love in his life for anyone (he was in process of divorcing his wife.) My ex did some things that rose MAJOR RED FLAGS as far as his "ACTIONS of LOVE" were CRAZY AND UNHEALTHY...He calls these "actions of love and actions of passion", but in reality, no one that truly loves would have done some of these manipulative and selfish actions! I will only name a few...Some of these actions included writing an anonymous letter to my house acting as the other woman in my husbands affair, sending me anonymous textes posing as the other woman, I can write a book about this experience, but there are just way too many crazy details and stories to explain...After I served my husband, my husband was shocked and truly has made MAJOR changes in his life. HE did everything and showed me through sincere actions of love that he was wrong and wanted to work on our marriage and he continues to do so. He did not want to lose me and the family.. and was aware of all of the things that he lacked from the past...Did I think I would go back to him prior to serving him? NO NEVER, but the dynamics of a marriage DO CHANGE! You never know how and where they are going to go, but I was driven by anger when I served him and I thought I did not care anymore about him as he never showed me what I needed in the marriage...He took me for granted and he admitted to all of his faults and does not blame me for going else where...So, my husband proved himself to me and I started to FEEL HIM again! and I wanted to give our marriage a chance...I ALWAYS loved my husband deeply and I was very much a committed wife, but with this experience, people need to know, that a man needs to take care of his woman as a woman needs to take care of his man..BECAUSE if you don't, someone else will! A marriage is an ongoing committment and needs to be nutured and worked on everyday..nothing is perfect, but a Marriage and FAMILY is a BEAUTIFUL thing when things are where they need to be.. and I feel I almost took that away...I almost gave up..We have much work to do and WE want to work on our marriage! God has become the center of our lives, but we are not hiding behind religion.. We are realistic to everything. I want to do this and he definitely wants our marriage to be stronger and better than ever...I believe this will happen....My husband had even blessed me to go on with my ex if that is what would make me happy although it would devastate him and he never wanted to break up the family..Neither did I!! NOW...my problem...My ex is not over me and I am also having a difficult time with breaking off my emotional connection with him EVENTHOUGH he shows F..KED up signs of character trait issues, maybe narsassistic, manipulative, selfish, stalker like actions, hmm what else? This has become a competition for him to win me...He doesn't want to step back..He knows I want to rebuild my marriage and that my marriage deserves that chance...He is passive aggressive and the thought that I went there with him is crazy. When he would drink, his demons, insecurities, jealousy would come out...He begged me that we have at least have some sort of friendship/communication. I even tried that eventhough I knew that would be impossible, but he was so persistant and cried and so needy and I felt like I did not want him completely out either..so I tried..So if I had coffee with him, he'd keep me there for hours when I only intended on staying for just a coffee and yes I allowed myself to stay as well...of course he would profess his love to me and wanted to kiss me, etc..my most recent final breaking point happened just recently, one night..I was out with a girlfriend at a bar/lounge and I was practicing my Salsa dancing with a dance instructor/friend. My ex met him before...I told him to go since he too wanted to learn Salsa, I told him my friend was holding group lessons to learn the basic Salsa moves..I was is such a great happy mood..until he started drinking and suddenly changed my mood when he continued to make false accusations, use the guilt trip card, called me a liar and a player, etc...than he apologized for saying all those things..As you can see this is a crazy story, but I must say, that when things were good they were AMAZING between us, but ONLY when it was just him and I. Too many variables could change the mood...When all my attention was given to him, he was off in la la land not to mention the passionate sex..We were both hooked, but I want to get unhooked!!! He is sadly...BAD NEWS for me...had I pursued a relationship with him...I am aware that hese flaws would become BIGGER and BIGGER..and not any amout of money can bring anyone happiness...I tried to understand and almost justify his actions because I cared so much and I fell in love with him..I believed in this love he had for me..He embraced my daughters completely and I know I would have been taken care of completely, but money does not bring happiness..I never knew he was a wealthy man to begin with when I met saw him again after 20 years...Life is crazy, but I must say that things happen for a reason and I thank God that He opened my eyes to my husband again. There was ALWAYS ALWAYS DRAMA and NEGATIVITY, WEIRD VIBES from other envious people, other woman..because of his money?? I don't know....Oh and he did have a past of infidelity during his marriage..he admitted to me, but when he found me...he found true love and wanted to be committed and loyal...he wanted me to take him away from his past and crazy lifestyle.. I brought him peace...but as much as I tried, his negative character patterns of behavior (Actions of love, actions of passion) were all selfish and he does not see himself that way at all!!! According to him, he never wanted to hurt me, but always did! He seemed always alone, no best friends, just so many issues! Now, I am not conceited, but I am an educated, confident woman..very attractive, very sexy, very social, professional dancer, and an elementary school teacher and I've had many men approach me, but I never went there, until I saw my ex after 20 years and when I had just had it with my husband. I've got to do something about getting my ex out of my mind!!! I can't believe that with everything negative that I know about him... NEVER being good for me because I would never compromise my free spirit and happiness. I was VERY direct and bold with him too..agrue with him, very angry, but soon after be right there with him again, laughing and carrying on, kissing, having sex, etc..I feel so f...ked up in my head and I am very aware..My ex's actions have affected many people...My husband knows EVERYTHING and he is standing strong by me because he knows I want to move forward with our marriage, just as he does too...My my ex knows my weaknesses and I am trying to stop all communication with him and it really does hurt me and I miss him like a FOOL!!! But I am going to be strong and do what I need to do to walk away for good..
A
female
reader, Rene  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 you know what...stop it while you still have your sanity and self respect left.....before you know it you'll have nothing.... Yes i know the butterfly feeling you get when you see his name pop on the screen....chatting to each other for hours at end about nothing.....and all that because you feel someone cares....marriage is a constant work in progress....the minute you leave it un-attended....crap filters in..... i've been in that situation and i'm a very emotional person...but do yourself a favor and stop it now...before the hurting starts and you loose yourself.....It's hard work and you need to constantly keep busy.... if you have issues with your husband try and sort it out....Remember Rome wasn't built in a day.......if you're husband sends you mail, sms or give you sweet little calls of how he's missing you...will that make you feel the same.....if not..... sort out the issues you have with your husband....your kids.....well i've got two beautiful kids and i wouldn't want to hurt them..... and i'm sure you don't want to hurt yours either....... But be so careful cause at the end - where you could just have worked true your emotions and feelings and stuff......when the crap hits the fan......a whole lot of people close to you will get hurt....SO PLEASE THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT......
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I did read the question Klara!
What people dont seem to realize is that cheaters will never change. They are incapable of it. I give REALISTIC answers as opposed to those of you who want to stroke someones ego and tell people what they WANT TO HEAR!!
The whole question revolves around the fact that too many people tend to believe that every day of a marriage will be a Harlequin romance, and that when they realize that life is not that way. Then they seem to think that they "better get theirs or they are gonna be left out"
This person clearly has no intention of ending her affair. regardless. People should have the guts to stand behind their wedding vows instead of seeking love outside their marriage. THE NEED TO WORK ON WHATS TROUBLING THE MARRIAGE!
She certainly didn't give a damn about her family when she did it, so why should she be asking for advice now...she wont take it, unless its WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR!!
CHEATERS CANT EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL UNLESS THEY ARE SHAMED!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Hi,
I was in a very similar situation to you, but sadly I took the next step and looking back on it - it was fun and exciting and yes it filled the longing I had to be desired for me (and not the mother, or the cook or the cleaner etc) and if I'm honest I still have a little longing to desired again, but once I was caught, as eventually you always are, my husband and I talked, and he came to realise that although I had committed the act - he had his part to play because he pushed me away. I'm not condoning your behaviour nor my own, merely understanding your situation.
Talk, talk and talk to you partner and if you can't find any common ground or a clear path to move forward together - you owe it to your children not to stay in a stagnating in a relationship, they will only be disturbed by your behaviour and find it difficult to have proper relationships when they are older.
Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 April 2009):
I have as novel idea for you...try being HONEST!
regardless of emotional or physical...its still an affair. And once again I think you are simply seeking justification take this a step further and cheat.
You still have the option of ending it with this guy, but I figure you wont. You are a cheater, plain and simple. And cheaters get no quarter from me.
So you have kids...You selfishly have put your entire family at risk because of this.
So why dont you have some common decency and end it with your husband. He deserves a woman who will love him and be a mother to his children. Cheaters use such lame excuses it sickens me. so now you are lying to your husband as well....
Ever stop to think how much the lying hurts on top of this? Of course not because you care only for yourself.
If you haven't physically cheated yet you arfe going to, thats a given. So before you do let your husband know and begin divorce proceedings.
Guess you thought that this was loveshack.org huh?
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A
female
reader, {*HyPa~AzN~hUnNiE~*}  +, writes (23 April 2009):
 no one is worth loosing your children because your children need both you and a father. Talk to your husband about the way you feel, tell him that you want to be more appriciated and cared about. even if you do end up being with this other student, after the honeymoon period, your relationship with him probably would be the same as yur relationship with your husband now. think about it, is it all really worth it?
i suggest you sit down with your husband and talk to him about the way you wanted to be treated. By the way, before you do so, make sure you are very polite and loving towards him for the day, otherwise he will feel that you are treating him the same way he is treating you. Perhaps get someone to babysit your children, so you can have a nice quiet chat with him.
xxxx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 April 2009):
You say you are there "for the kids."
So you I think you need to know that you tried your best with your husband.
He now knows that there is something badly wrong and in a way this is good as it'll force him to face the problems of the relationship.
I assume he has had a few days to calm down after finding out? If not, let him have that so he can put the anger to bed and then think rationally.
Sit him down and apologise. You need to do that first to let him know you know you did wrong. If you start with the reasons why then he'll get defensive and hear them as excuses.
Go to marriage guidance counselling, talk, be open, TRY!
If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. It's better for your kids to see you try hard and then admit defeat than grow up feeling bad because their parents hated each other and stayed miserable for them. They need to see relationships as they should be.
Emotional affairs are much harder to break because there is a level of understanding and a connection that is more than just sex hormones.
You owe your husband a last chance but don't stay in an unhappy marriage forever.
Tell your kids how much you love them through all of this and be honest with them.
Good Luck!! xx
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