A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My divorce from my 20 year partner became official yesterday. I am very sobered and even sad about it. It was not a divorce I wanted, but we became too disconnected to reconcile. I left because of the arguements, and that made her spiteful and angry. While I was trying to get away to reflect, she took it as a sign I was done, and mentally began to sever our marriage. She would not let me back in, even though I truly wanted to reconcile...she didn't believe me. Things have been a bit bitter lately because she threw out some of my stuff just before we sold the house, and she stole my Itunes account and wont give me the password. But despite all the bitterness and arguing, I just cant seem to let her go. I shared a bond with her for so long, it can't be ended in my heart. I can't just pack away the memories in a box or sign a paper and move on. She has. We have both found other partners and seem to be making the best of it, but I don't think either of us are truly happy. I am OK if she is happier with someone else, but I wish I could just be her friend. Why does she have no reverence or longing for the past and the bond we had? I can't believe someone can be so cruel and stubborn to flush away 20 years and move on like I was a date of 4 weeks or something.Thing is, I miss the marriage...not her. She and I had become like oil and water. We had arguements that she was very intolerable to, and she rejected me repeatedly. I don't long to be back with her. But I miss the marriage terribly. I miss the partnership, familiarity, the union and rythm we had. I can't find that with my new partner, even though I am much more compatible with her. I just don't know what to do. It's been over a year and I can't get my shit straight.How do you deal with an ended marriage to your best friend, where she has shut you out and moved on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You need to be careful you are not just with this new person for companionship.. you need to ask yourself are you just using them so you wont be on your own? And if so is that coz you are scared to be alone? Which you shouldnt be by the way-its great the independence and you get used to it i promise. Its hard at first but things do improve!
I think you could benefit from time alone to reflect and maybe get to know yourself again. When you are with someone like that for so long you get into a routine and although that isnt a bad thing when you are in it, when its over you find yourself lost and helpless.
You need to remember what made you happy before marriage-hobbies, friends etc Maybe recconnect with afew people from your past and dig out old photos, get the boxes out of the attic and remember who you were before the us.
You probably hurt her when you left-thats why shes acting this way now. Try and take some solice in the fact all this upset from her means she still cares to let you affect her even when she is with someone new. Im sure she'll always care for you.
You never know what will happen in the future-you might end up together again but for the moment dont force it. Dont give up hope but equally dont let someone new pass you by coz you're stuck in the past. Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): You're grieving for the failure of your marriage and it is natural. When my husband divorced me, I was glad. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't even like him as a person. So the divorce ticked along it was a nice clean break, no kids, no financial arrangements. But when I got my decree absolute, I cried and cried because it was like a Judge, who didn't even know me was telling me I'd failed. I think you're find it hard because you feel like 20 years with your ex-partner meant nothing and there's a certiifcate to prove it!
The reality is that you spent half your life with your ex, making memories, some good, some bad but they are YOUR memories and no-one can take them away from you. Right now you need time to grieve and your ex-partner is probably feeling the same. You can't even think about being friends until both of you have healed, forgiven each other which is going to be a massive hurdle in itself. Be kind to yourself and give it time.
I don't keep in touch with my ex-husband but I hope one day he forgives me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Off course it is going to be difficult for you, you need to start your life over again, twenty years is a long time and you adapt in to marriage. Now I guess you just need to learn to live your life differently now.
I am sure she hasnt gotten over the marriage completely. But I guess everyone deals with divorce in there own different ways and for many people it is best to severe all contact with the other divorcee and try to move on in life without them. It would be very difficult for the both of you to remain friends throughout this without bringing up old feelings or arguments and also it may cause trouble with both of your partners.
Is your heart really in the relationship you are in at the moment? To me it sounds like it isnt and you long to have your old life back, before the arguments and childish behaviour started. You need to get yourself in order and find yourself again. Accept that the marriage is over and there is nothing you can do about that now. You now need to be independant and you will start to get used to it, just give yourself time. If you are not serious about the relationship you are in at the moment then the best thing to do is to end it and spend time on your own getting to know yourself again. Spend time with friends and family and do hobbies or sports that you enjoy doing. You will soon have a new lease of life.
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