A
female
age
36-40,
*onesty728
writes:With same guy for 5 years and he has a history of always underestimating his financial matters (tells me he owes less than he does on cards, etc.). I have a nice nestegg I've built by working my whole life and saving. I'm a few years from retirement and he wants to marry me (or at least live with me in a few months). While he is much better at budgeting (because I've taught him and he knows I do check from time to time) and he appears to be more truthful in some of his finances (what he owes on his cards but maybe b/c he is using some inherited money to finally pay them off), he stills lies about certain things. For example, he is the POA for his elderly mother and he used her cards (he says with her permission) on numerous occasions when he was unemployed for various items some of which are food (which I understand) but also liquor and car washes (that's not critical in my mind). He understated how much he used her cards when I asked and also understated what she still owes (which she can't afford to pay in full). He mishandled her cards in terms of allowing late fees and interest to accrue. He has sent one of her accounts to a lawyer who will negotiate it down and the other one he pays a decent amount b/c he wants her to have at least one card should she need it (but hopefully he won't use it for his own now that's he employed again and collects social security as well). Last night I asked him about what he is doing to address his mom's credit cards and inquired as to the balance of her 1 card he is paying with her money. While I know the amount is about $7,100 (with added late fees when he didn't pay it on time a few months ago) and ongoing interest, he said "about $6,000" to me and seemed reluctant to say anything to me. WE HAVE AN EXPRESS UNDERSTANDING THAT TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP EVERYTHING MUST BE TRANSPARENT.Therefore, the question is: do I just let this go and move forward with him or is this just another example of his persistent lying and finally give up even though we love each other????
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): [EDIT]:
"...pushing the balance up to $7100!!!"
Oops! My bad!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): Lying is the deal-breaker in all relationships. How can you trust a known liar? How can you trust a man who would put his own mother in debt, then lie about that?!!
You better carefully evaluate this relationship. He's a grown-man, and you shouldn't have to make him account for his debt and expenses like you're some auditor from the IRS!
You're five-years invested and you should have seen all this years ago. A person who has trouble with debt and lying deson't change. They become more creative in hiding the truth and covering things up.
I just don't feel good at all about him using his mother's credit cards and pushing the balance up to $70000!!!
Unemployed or not, he had no right to use it at all! He is trusted to protect her assets and fiances as her POA! He's doing just the opposite. Heaven only knows what he would have done had you not been there to see what he was doing.
He was only honest because of you. So how can you seriously believe you can move forward with a guy like that? His credibility is shot, and he can't even trust himself with his own money. This is a preview of our future! Moving-in is giving him access to your credit and financial information. If his family comes after him for the balance on the cards, who's to say he won't take from you to cover his own ass?
You will be pressured and feel obligated to help him. That will exhaust all you've worked for. You will have little choice, but to pull him out of debt; or he'll be paying off debt for many years to come. His own, and what he basically stole from his mother. I doubt she would authorize him using her cards if it was really her choice. He's taking advantage of her. It's what you don't know that can hurt you!
I hope you keep your credit and bank cards secured and protected; and out of his hands!
Love has to be based on trust. He has to prove he's trustworthy, has solid character, and you should be able to turn your back without looking over your shoulder, sweetheart! Your post is proof that trust is shattered.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2018):
 No, it's a not going to work unless you ACCEPT that this is who he is and how he deals with money and being "confronted" and "held responsible".
I put confronted and held responsible in "" because THAT is how he sees it. He thinks you only need information on a need to know basis and I think he is also trying to make himself look "better" in your eyes (when it comes to finances).
Changing other people is HARD (in some cases impossible) You are trying to "make" him be not only financially responsible but also PERSONALLY accountable for his actions. He is resisting, I think because THAT is not who he is. Not how he was raised. I can't believe he is fucking up his MOM'S finances by being irresponsible!
You should not move in with him UNLESS you can accept that THIS is who he is.
And there is NO WAY in HADES I'd SHARE my finances with this guy! Nope, no way.
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