A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of almost two years had cheated on me and also persued other women which led nowhere.in the past he put me down with the things he said to me, ( he would say things such as "i dont look as good off camera as i do on it") it ate away at my self esteem and i do not feel very confident now about the way i look. when we had conversations he would nick name me 'set four' which means the classes for people with learning difficulties. during the time i was with him, i lost contact with most of my friends as i revolved around him, and was always looking to try and make him happy, hoping for any kindness and attention. i know i let all this happen to me,and blame no one but myself. i split with him yesterday as i just woke up and seemed to see more clearly. i told him all the reasons why, he listened to what i had to say and then left, saying he was sorry, and that he loves me.he is now texting me to say that he knows he is to blame for what he has done and that he sees now what a fool he was. i have not replied yet.do you think someone like this would see what they have done? can people like this change?i do still have feelings for him, and i wish he loved me as i do him, but i do not think i could trust him.can any of you give me an outsiders opinion please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): Amazing advice from Boon and Phil, below. I concur with much of what they both say. Hun, I know you love this guy but he was mistreating you. He knows it, you know it. So you need to love yourself more, right now in order to have the strength to keep boundries here in place and keep him out of your life. Some young people can become more insightful and they can change for the better, but they get there all on their own, through growth and life experience. Some even need counsleing and they do that, all on their own, to becoming better people. I am assuming he's around the same age as you? If so, he's supposed to know, that what he did was wrong.So I wouldn't trust him..be careful. I'll explain why.
You went through this relationship believing in it, working hard to making this relationship work with the right amount of compromise, caring and communication. But it takes that type of hard work from 'both' people. He wasn't doing this for you, was he. So now you post here on this site and ask us if things can be different. We don't know. What we do know is you wanted a loving, monogamous, mutually caring relationship. This is part of who you are..loyal, devoted.. He wanted to play the field, he wanted to be intimate with whoever he wanted, he chose to mistreat and hurt you with demeaning words. That tells us, who he is. You put up with this for 2 years. You were left holding up your bf's end of this relationship. as well as your own. That wasn't fair. You were not his mentor, his coach, his teacher, his parent figure..you were his equal---his beloved..his partner.
Now you gave him the boot and he's texting you, basically asking for another chance. He's just lonely. Has he broached the topic of counselling for his sense of entitlement, his emotional abuse issues, his ability to not understand what a healthy love is? That would help. But I bet he hasn't has he..why..becuase he probably feels there is nothing wrong with him. For now, he'll take the blame, but that isn't resolving the grassroots of his problems, is it. He want you to forgive, to feel empathy for him.
So what you have to do here, is think long and hard. You tried to apply what you desired in this relationship with this man and it didn't work. So, now that he's gone, you can heal, recover and understand...that you leave the option open of finding another super great man, whom it can work with, but not this guy. Let him go and detach as much as you can. For the first while, it will take huge amounts of stubborn strength to not want to be validated and wanted, by this man. You will stop feeling this 'unhealthy love' you have for him and once you do that, you will begin love yourself again. And when you love yourself, you become vigilant to that self-respect..you choose better people for your life. There could be someone else for you who would be loving, true, devoted, loyal and monogamous to only you. Someone who gives you contentment and comfort. Someone you can trust fully. That is where you need to go because you can't change another...only he has the power to that and once he's back, the cycle of passion-then pain-then passion-then pain, will come back...guaranteed. Look out for yourself hun...put your own happiness first, here. Brave actions on your part will earn you the highest of self-esteem, once again...the self-esteem he took away from you.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (10 January 2009):
 he chipped away at your self esteem-that is not something you do to someone you love, it is something you do to someone you consider to be lower than yourself(IF YOU ARE AN ARSE). he has cheated on you and has no respect for you in the language he uses or the way he leaves you for bits on the side.
from an outsiders perspective you need to care about yourself because he sure as hell wont. and if you do care about yourself which you claim you do why would you put yourself through all his negative behaviour again? there is no reason why you should. he will want you to feel sorry for him because he will certainly feel sorry for himself but i think that you are great on your own and with him you will stagnate and go nowhere. which you are better than.
good luck and be strong for your sake
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): See what he's done? He knew what he did alright. He took full advantage of your sweet nature. He's a control freak, treating you the way he did and you're better off without him.
Will he change? Perhaps for a short while, but he'll be back to behaving as before in no time, once he's got his hooks into you again.
Let him go and practise his put-downs on some other poor woman. You really are much better off without an insensitive jerk for a boyfriend.
Stay strong, don't give in, and find yourself someone who shows you some respect. This one didn't!
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