A
female
age
41-50,
*emmefatale123
writes:We usually get together Friday evening, spend all day Saturday, and then I go home Sunday afternoon. He's a self-employed lawyer and has had a habit of going into the office Sunday afternoons to prepare for court Monday. (He goes to court Monday afternoons after working in his office that morning and then works in his office the rest of the week.) If there's a holiday Monday or special event (e.g., Superbowl), he skips going to the office Sunday afternoon, and I'll usually stay Sunday night.He says he's tired during the week and just wants to "crash" lots of nights after getting in from work, so he's not big on doing anything during the week. We do exchange texts every day, and he generally calls me a couple of nights during the week. Occasionally, I call him. While school is going on, I am usually pretty busy, too, as I teach all day and then teach one or two evening classes. Very rarely, we do something during the week (usually at his suggestion), but there are times I'd like to see him more than just weekends.Some background info: we have been seeing each other since January 2012, with a brief 3-month break last year, during which we worked through some issues. We are both divorced. I was married for about 16 years, and he was married for 19. He's been divorced for 16 years, much longer than I have. His ex cheated on him, and he says he has defense mechanisms. I'm the first person he's had an actual relationship with since his divorce. He dated a few people, but he says until he met me, his inclination was to "run." I'm wondering, too, if he moves at a slow pace when it comes to commitment. He also said it took him a long time to "get into" his relationship with his ex, as they dated for 7 years before getting married.Although he is not verbally affectionate and prefers to show care in other ways, he has told me he loves me. He also wanted to be exclusive almost immediately after we started going out, so we haven't been seeing other people anytime we've been together.It's not a long-distance relationship. We live about 12 miles apart, but I'm about to move into town and will be about two miles from him. (It's in a small town.) I'm not purposefully moving closer to him, but there's nothing to do where I've lived for the past five years, and I'll be closer to some volunteer activities in which I'm involved.I'm willing to give him some time if he simply moves at a slower pace, but I don't know if I want merely to be his "weekend lover" five years from now. I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
View related questions:
divorce, his ex, says he's tired, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): I disagree with most answers here that he is making you do what he wants. Yes, this is the situation, because this is how he wants it to be.mi don't see anything wrong with it. How can you make someone do what he/ she doesn't want to do. Frankly I would love to see my husband only on a weekend, lol. You see each other often, as people who don't live together. You both are very busy. You only don't see each other 4 days out of the whole week.It's time for you to do your things. My husband is now away for a week, and i am having a blast. I don't cook, don't clean, I go out almost every day with friends, I saw a basketball game, went to jazz concert late at nite, to the beach (which is impossible when my husband is around). I think you guys have a perfect setup, and he sounds like a lovely man. Enjoy your time together while it lasts!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2013):
 your follow-up says to me that Yes it's just that you are comfortable and have fallen into a compartmentalized rut with him.
I sense that he does care but it's easy this way.
FWIW I'm 53 and all I want to do when I get home is get into my jammies and veg on the couch till bedtime...
...............................
A
female
reader, femmefatale123 +, writes (7 June 2013):
femmefatale123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think he does care about me but, yes, has become comfortable. I have communicated the desire to see him more, and he says he realizes maybe he has been too casual, which he says he guesses comes from being single for so long after his divorce. He says he compartmentalizes, which has been a coping mechanism of his for years. He has been calling me a little more during the week after I communicated my feelings to him a couple of weeks ago.We hug, kiss, touch, and are intimate, but, yes, he isn't overly affectionate (hand-holding, saying "I love you," "I miss you," etc.) As I mentioned, though, he does show care in other ways and does "romantic" stuff in his own way. He took me to a really nice restaurant for my birthday and bought me a massage. He gave me a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. He always cooks breakfast for me Saturday and Sunday. He seems to want to make sure I have an enjoyable time when we're together, whether we go out for dinner and a movie, go away for a weekend event like a concert, or just stay home and eat pizza and watch a movie. (We do share similar interests in movies, literature, politics, etc.) He also likes to joke with me and pick at me in a fun way. He bought me a haiku book at the local coffee shop last week because he knows I like poetry. He takes an interest in the community theater where I volunteer.If I go to the doctor, he wants to know how it turned out. The air isn't working in the apartment into which I'm in the process of moving, and yesterday he wanted to know how that was coming along. Last summer, I had a fender-bender and texted him, after which he called me from work immediately to make sure I was okay. I've met all of his family (including two siblings) and been out with his elderly parents on several occasions and to their home. (He said his mother just about cried after meeting me because she likes me, and it's been so long since he's had someone in his life.) I've met his three grown children and done things with them, including a trip where we all met up together.I've gotten some good ideas here. I think being less "available" may be the answer. At least, I'll find out where I stand.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 June 2013):
 Hi
He's set in his ways after 16 years, used to his own space and routine. Before he met you he probably didn't meet anyone who would be prepared to 'fit in' to his life
What are his plans, do you or he see this relationship leading to marriage or co-habiting in a year or so?
You have a busy life also, in and out of work which is probably another thing that attracts him. After you've moved closer invite him to yours for a meal on a week night,try easing him into a new routine.
But if he remains adamant he won't change - re-think your romance because at the moment its all about him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): I think he needs a wake up call. It seems like he does care about you, so I don't think that is the problem. But he has become comfortable with your situation. He sees you on the weekends, you are always available, you've accepted this arrangement and so he is not putting in any extra effort. You should test his desire for you though. If I were you I would plan to be busy this weekend (or next if it is too short notice). Say you are going out of town with some friends or going away to visit family or you are simply going to be busy. Then when you get "back" on Sunday, see if he suggests seeing you during the week. If he doesn't, do the same the next weekend. Say you are busy so you can't see him. If you are always available for the days that are convenient for HIM, this is what happens. He only makes time for you when it is at his convenience. If you want more, then don't be available on the weekends. That way he will make time for you when YOU want and is also convenient for you. The less available you are for him at his convenience, the more available he will be for you at your convenience. You got to make him miss you and make him realize that you are not just a part time lover. If you make yourself scarce on the weekends, he is probably going to miss you so much, magically I am sure he will get a second wind and be available to see you on a weekday. And it is also going to make him nervous. It is going to make him realize that you have a life and may not always be available for him just on the weekends. And I am positive he will start making more plans with you daily. It's a win-win situation. You should try it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 June 2013):
 WOW!!! I wish I'd met YOU those many years ago, when I wanted a woman who would do my bidding (s*x) when I wanted....and would leave me alone when I didn't want to have to accomodate her, otherwise......
Do you see just how he is playing you????? .... or are you content to be his "plaything"????
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Lani702 +, writes (7 June 2013):
 Ok, listen up. You've been accommodating HIS needs for an entire year and a half and things are about to CHANGE around here.
#1 I don't care if he's been divorced 19 years and you are the first woman that hasn't made him want to "run". And what? That's supposed to be a compliment? He's telling you that so you can feel lucky to have him? Have WHAT, exactly? You see him 29% of the time. (I did the math) So what he's really saying is, "Listen, since I choose to bless you with my presence, you will take it any which way I say and you will be grateful."
#2 Seeing him during the week is forbidden because the All Mighty One has thus proclaimed it? (Except if Monday's a holiday and it's in June and it rained the weekday before, and it was a Tuesday, because YAY you get to sleep over on that Sunday, oh boy!) Who says he gets to make all of the decisions? Is this not a relationship of TWO people? So you're supposed to take whatever crumb of time he can give you? But you're not happy! And that's ok with him?
#3 It takes him a long time to get into relationships because it even took him 7 years to marry his wife. So he is, in fact, warning you that he will be like this in 10 years. Think about that.
#4 He is not verbally affectionate.
#5 He has defense mechanisms - whatever the hell THAT is.
#6 All this, and you've lived 12 miles apart the whole time.
#7 And you're about to move practically up the street from him and are wondering if it would be ok to see your boyfriend more than just weekends.
Listen - When people are in love, they want to be with each other all of the time. If only just to sit on the couch and veg together. If only just to lay your head on his chest and for him to put his arms around you. If only just to tell each other what a good/bad/funny/sad day you had. And if either of you is just too exhausted to drive, then a long phone call should do the trick. Also, you say you sleep over there. So it’s up to you to pack, drive, live out of a suitcase, drive back home. Is he putting ANY effort into this relationship at all?
Femme – You’re a teacher with a full life, you teach night classes and volunteer. You sound like a great catch, and it’s time you start treating yourself like one. Let me tell you a true story that I read from a book. A girl was doing her boyfriends laundry and he did something really rude and obnoxious to her and she said, “That’s it! I’m leaving! Right after I finish your three loads of laundry and fold them and put them away, I’m out of here!” The guy said he lost all respect for her. How much worse was he going to have to treat her until she stopped being so nice and accommodating to him.
I’m sorry to say, but that’s you. And it’s pathetic. Here is my advice, so write it down:
STOP.
That’s it. That’s my advice. STOP. Stop going to his house on weekends. Stop answering his texts. Stop calling him. And you’re not breaking up with him, no. If he calls you, you’ll answer, you’ll be sweet, you’ll be kind, but you’ll also be busy. Too busy to see him. Too busy to accommodate him. But you have to be nice, and not mad at him, just BUSY. He’ll not know what hit him. He might get pissed. If he does, GOOD. Let him miss you. It might take 2 or 3 weekends of no contact, but let him see what his life would be without you. And he WILL miss you. But here are the rules: #1 – Do not tell him you want to see him more. This is nagging. You’re above that. #2 – SHOW him you want to see him more by just not being available when you wants you to be available. Show him that YOU have a say in this relationship as well.
And I’m telling you all of this from personal experience. I didn’t like how I was being ignored, so I spent Friday night and all of Saturday at the bookstore and he was PISSED and demanded to know where he was and I acted confused and said But why? I was at the bookstore – what’s wrong? Are you okay? Boy his face turned red. Then Sunday he came over and left his apartment keys on the table. So if he is into you, it works. IF he is into you, it works. Try it. And lets get less teacher-ry and more femmefatale, ok?
Good luck, update us and let us know how it all worked out. PS. He acts like he’s 75 years old. Are you sure you even want him??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I agree with the advice given here - start rekindling old friendships or join clubs where you can make new friendships.
Having a chat with a friend about the mundane things can completely lift your mood for the week.
You could invite each friend to yours for dinner and go to theirs as well if babysitting is an issue. That way you'd have something to captivate your interest
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 June 2013):
 I think it can because of how your relationship is set up. You have a life that is yours, he has a life that is his, and then you two can have a life together. Those relationships end up being the strongest because neither one of you needs to attach onto the others life due to having a lack of your own interests, activities, and professional life.
He, however, must work through these "protective mechanisms" as they can be dangerous to a relationship and being intimate with others. I try living by this philosophy, "trust until given a reason not to." And when someone ruins trust, it's not about the "victim" but about the off balance or vindictive nature of the "actor". Bringing that into prospective is important, because in doing so he'd come to understand that it's nothing that he did that caused his ex to cheat. And in the same respect, what happened in his past relationship shouldn't have a negative affect to the potential that you two have before you.
Good luck to you.
...............................
|
