A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married to a lovely, caring man. The problem is I just don't love him anymore. I spend my time thinking I want to get divorced and I just can't shake the feeling we're wrong. When we have sex, I cry - it just feels wrong. We're good friends and I can't bear the prospect of hurting him, but feel like I'm living a lie. Can you be happily married when you're more like brother and sister? Or should I devastate this wonderful man who adores me and leave, giving us both a chance to find real love?
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female
reader, SereneGal476  +, writes (24 September 2008):
 You clearly answered your own question. You shouldn't EVER be in a relationship if your heart isn't in it. Well, your heart is in it, just not in the same way his is. I think you should first try couple's counseling and if all else fails, try a temporary separation. Judging from what you've said, divorce could possibly be in your future. I think it's great that you're so compassionate, but why live your life completely uncomfortable and unhappy? I wonder, though. Does he see you cry after you have sex?
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 September 2008):
 ps and it's also a question of how little love you can live on ... yes, it is possible to have a platonic marriage, but people often end up going outside it for all the physical closeness they are missing.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 September 2008):
I think you at least need some kind of support or counselling. How did you feel about your husband when you married him? How long have you been together? When did you start crying when you have sex? (by the way, that is NO good at all - you must stop having sex, even if it hurts him - if you feel so bad, you can't do it, really - just try to explain to him that you're feeling confused and it's not that you don't love him, just that sex doesn't feel right - you can presumably still cuddle him, etc, without having sex, so he won't feel totally rejected).
You need to be honest about your feelings, and talk to him about it. To be honest, it sounds a bit of a lost cause to me - it's unreasonable to expect yourself to stay in that situation for the rest of your life, not to say highly improbably that you actually will. Someone will come along and you'll end up having an affair, and/or running off with him, which would probably hurt more. I think it is perhaps now a question of not whether you hurt him or not, because it's pretty much inevitable that you will, but rather how you can limit that hurt as much as possible.
I'm on the side of what is reasonable and achievable, not what is 'ideal'. Ideal would be you don't feel like this and you love him the same way he loves you. But you don't.
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A
female
reader, loria  +, writes (23 September 2008):
The real question is was there something that happened that changed for you and if hes as great as you say then try and fix it goood relationships are hard to come by now a days. We all at some point yearn for the newness but at the end of the day when you fall asleep with someone who knows everything about you and excepts you for you thats far greater then anything else do what you need too but figure out why you feel this way first good luck Lori
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): if your both comfortable yes i guess so,but no if only one of you is willing and still love them.this is how it is for myself right now,but i havent really tried to mend my marriage and eventualy my wife will see this and she may leave me
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