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female
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*yrisez
writes: My boyfriend lies to me all the time about his internet porn and chats. We've been together off and on for about 4 years and we have a son together. What can I do to make him realize this is a NO NO for this relationship to work? Both the lying and the internet porn?
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female
reader, cyrisez +, writes (16 July 2008):
cyrisez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): oh for fk sake, all men like sex all men like looking at porn, if your boyfriend ever tells you he's over it either he is lying, he is doing it behind your back, he still thinks about it even if he's not watching it, or he's 70 & he really is over it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean you cant have a good relationship. It probably mjeans he's less likely to cheat if he is honest with you about what he is doing. You have to choose: the awful truth or the beautiful lie.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 May 2006):
 Porn can be very addictive, he may want to stop but be unable to. Meanwhile the lies could be because he's ashamed, addicts frequently lie about their activities out of shame. If this is the case, he needs your help, not anger and accusations (not saying that you are being angry now, but just in case...).
The previous reply had some great advice. It is very possible that porn is an outlet for certain fantasies that he wants to have and is afraid to ask you because you might reject him. You should very gently try to get him to open up about his sexual desires to see if this is the case. I know porn played this role in my life for a while.
Porn can be quite damaging in unanticipated ways. Many men can feel that they need to 'perform' to the level of the men they see in porn movies. This leads to performance anxiety and insecurity about all sorts of things, putting us off 'real' sex. It also generally depicts very un-intimate sex, which doesn't help get to a place of shared emotion and intimacy. Talking about these negative effects in a non-confrontational way might be a way to encourage your boyfriend to stop.
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A
male
reader, WranglerBoy +, writes (3 May 2006):
Being in this position myself here is what i Have to say, if he really loves and cares for you he will stop looking at porn, he may just be looking at it for ideas in the bedroom, how ever if this was the case maybe you both could look at it, i stop looking at it becuase it made my partner insecure about her appearance, it took me a while to understand what she meant by it all but neverless the penny finally dropped, sounds like yo need to talk to him on why he likes lookingat it and why you dont like him looking at it. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): I've been in the same situation. I handled it pretty poorly (I smacked my boyfriend in the head as hard as I could lol) but it got my point across. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how his actions are making you feel. Ask him what you can do so that he doesn't feel like he needs the porn. I've found that people (both men and women) look at pornogrpahy because of some unsatisfied sexual fantasy. Whenever my boyfriend and I haven't been very active, I even find myself drawn to pornography. You could try to spice things up in the bedroom with some fun outfits or roleplaying and see if that satisfies him. You haven't done anything wrong to make him drawn to the pornography. Maybe he is just too shy to ask you to do certain things. If you were to make the first move to attempt to be more risky, I'm sure he'd greatly appreciate it. You have to remember to not be offended by the pornography. It has NOTHING to do with the women he's looking at, at ALL. It's just the fact that it's a sexy, sexual image, idea, and fantasy and that turns him on. It does NOT mean that you aren't good enough, though I know that's kind of hard to swallow. Just talk to him about it. Find out why he looks at it. If you can find the cause, you can probably find the solution. I really hope things work out well for you, especially with a child involved. I wish you the best of luck with this!
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A
female
reader, Ainley +, writes (2 May 2006):
 Well to be honest for me personally the chatting if you mean hes flirting online its cheating, so tell him he can either stop or get out! you dont deserve to be treated like that no one does! as for the porn.. well how old is he? there are 3 things you could do 1. threating to tell his mum and friends, that tends to shut them up 2. accidently brake the computer 3. make yourself his porn? if you want that is? i tend to have a low regard for men who use internet porn and you do to so tell him to pack it in or get out, you do deserve better!
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A
female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (2 May 2006):
 dump him he sounds really sad to me and a bit of an odd ball.
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