A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are usually very sexual but lately it seems like he doesn't want to have sex with me, we only get to see eachother once or twice a month because of college but it seems like every other time he either wants to have sex with me (and I can't because of my period) or he doesnt want sex at all, just foreplay which is okay when i'm on my period but other times he'll tell me "we'll do that later.", "i'm too tired", "in the morning." or he'll find a reason to "not be in the mood anymore" one time he even used the excuse that he didn't bring condoms which i found very awkward since he has always had them before, even when we hadn't planned on sex or even seeing eachother. at first it wasnt a big deal but now I feel like i'm just being used. we had a similar situation a while back where he would only want blow jobs and wouldn't want to have sex. I thought it was just an awkward phase but it's back again and it this time bothers me. I've told him before that I don't think it's fair that he's the one getting all the attention but he just blows it off.He says he's gained weight since we graduated but whenever he brings it up I make it a point to tell him that I don't care and that I like him the way he is, that I like him for him and not the way that he looks. I always figured that he wouldn't be so self conscious over something so minute. he has a birthmark on his face and I know he was teased about it when he was younger but he seemed over it. I don't know if it's stupid of me to think that he'd have thicker skin because of it but to tell the truth I really don't see him as a self conscious person at all. I tell him all the time that I love the way he looks even though that's secondary to me. I like what's on the inside, I like his personality and I like how he makes me laugh and the way he talks.... 10, 20 or 100 pounds wouldn't change that.This last time me came to visit me he wouldn't even take his shirt off when I tried to give him a back massage! and when we went to sleep he slept in his pants, shorts and shirt when usually he'll sleep shirtless in basketball shorts. :/ and on top of that it seemed like he didn't even want to cuddle, he was just acting weird in general.I'm not really sure if it's the weight thing thats making him act like this or if it's something I'm doing but I haven't been acting weird as far as I see it. Maybe he's just stresed about school and finals or maybe he's just falling out of love with me, i'm not sure... but it worries me. I feel like I love him more and more every day but i don't see it in him lately. I don't understand how he could even be self conscious around me, I've told him a little bit about my history with my eating disorder and self esteem and how hard it was for me to be intimate with him at first but I thought we had gotten over that. I just don't understand why he would be self conscious at all which is why i'm not sure if that's what the problem is.Also i'm not sure if this is related to how he's been acting but he's been trying to get me to try anal sex and I've told him that I might be willing to try but on my own terms, like when i'm ready and so on and every time I tell him i'm not ready he goes on about how I just must not trust him enough if i'm not ready. I'm not sure if he's being serious or just trying to make a joke out of guilt tripping me but in all actuality it has nothing to do with him. I'm just not sure if i'm going to like it or if it's going to be a nightmare or what, I just have my own feelings toward it in general and it has nothing to do with him. I'm just not ready. I really don't think that this is why he's acting like this but i thought i'd mention it just in case.This whole thing just makes me really upset and I don't know what to do. If he doesnt want to have sex at all that's okay too but I just don't think it's fair that he's the only one getting any kind of sexual satisfaction when I'm left high and dry every time and when I bring it up he makes it seem like he doesn't care. what can I do? I've thought about just saying no whenever he wants something from me but I don't think that's right either, I'm not a selfish person when it comes to sex but i'm starting to think he might be.help, please? any kind of answer is welcome no matter how helpful or unhelpful you think it might be.and thanks in advance :)
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anal sex, blow-job, condom, foreplay, in the mood, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 The problem is not so serious, as it is presented. It is generally experienced in married routine life. When sex became routine 'vaginal penetration' only, it loss its all magic, is fact.The magic of sex is experienced 'sub-consciously', is reason why our mind want it all the time. But, sub-conscious knowledge cannot solve our problem. You both have not thought about the magic of 'foreplay'. Please pay full attention on it. Please also remember, ejaculation for many male is tiresome work, dull and unattractive. Even many female feel uncomfortable with this ejaculation. The demand of anal-sex is the proof that interest in sex is lost. And, foreplay is not lead with intense creativity... contd..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the second anonymous answerer: we've been together for around the same amount of time and what you said actually made sense to me, it sounds like something he would do. he does sometimes get in to these moods where he's engrossed by his work and nothing else but that has never affected our relationship before as far as I know but the last time it happened we were in highschool and I do remember it as a stressful time academicall for me so maybe it was for him too?
and it's not that I'm trying to deny the fact that he can be self conscious it's just that usually if something is bothering him or me we'll talk about it. It's not like us to just not talk about things. and like MissKin said, If he's permitting me to do sexual things for him I don't think that he's THAT worried about it, and it's not like we've never had sex with our shirts on before. this is one of the only things that I haven't sat down and talked to him about, the last time it happened I was ready to bring it up but he went back to normal before i could ever say anything and I was too relieved to say anything about it anyway.
To MissKin
Thank you thank you thank you. I always stress over communication. and I also thought about the position thing as a valid thought because lately that had in fact been the position of choice...
I also don't think that he could be turning gay but I have thought about it too. I have a lot of gay friends and he doesnt have a problem with them, one of my roomates is gay and has been my bestfriend for years and my boyfriend has never been homophobic or talked down about them. either way I really don't think this is the case, not that i 'm in dennial or anything but if it is the problem well then he has me completely fooled
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Could he be going on the turn?
I.e. at least bisexual, but maybe homosexual, with his insistence on anal?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Know what, I just went through something similar. My boyfriend stopped wanting to be intimate, didn't talk to me much, didn't let me in on his life and in general just kept me out of things, which made me feel .. well not so great. Trying to initiate sex with him and then him turning me down, or ignoring my initiations completely was hurtful and made me feel not wanted. After a few months with him acting that way, I was so confused and didn't know what was going on. What happened was I flipped at him and said enough is enough, straighten up your act or this relationship is not worth my attention if you can't give it any.Needless to say, we ended up agruing alot just to get to the bottom of things. It took us something like a month and two weeks to get to a point where he understands what happened to him. He says he started to take me for granted, fell into a routine at college etc. All the things you are worried your boyfriend is consumed by, my boyfriend had issue to that needed to be dealt with. But bottom line is: we all have things on our plate from time to time, we're all experiencing stress and being busy. That doesn't mean that this behaviour is acceptable. Your boyfriend needs to find a way to deal with his life and at the same time nurture the relationship. For me and my boyfriend it would have been a dealbreaker had he not gotten his act together. We're still working on things, so I can't promise you that how I chose to deal with this will work for you. It hurts me that I needed to grab the bull by it's horns this early in our relationship (only been together 10 months) and it's also scary, but I can not be in a relationship where he gets all the attention (because I gave and gave of my attention) and I get left in the shadow and feel forgotten about. It made me very depressed, feeling lonely, which I am still struggling with. I think your boyfriend might be doing the same: focusing only on him and forgetting about the relationship. Every relationship needs to be nurtured. Could be he's doing what my boyfriend said happened to him: he got into a routine and took me for granted, not realizing himself that he stopped doing things for me. A last comment: your boyfriend can very well feel concious about the way he looks, even when he knows YOU dont care, doesnt mean he doesnt care himself. You having experience from eating disorders should know that what other people say or think is of no value as long as you yourself are not happy. Support your boyfriend through this instead of trying to deny that there is an issue. Acknowledge that he has a problem with his own view on his body. Don't say he's fat or anything, but don't brush the problem away as if he shouldn't be allowed to have it. He has a problem with his weight gain. You need to realize that and stop trying to brush it away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): It sounds like its related to anal sex and to him being a thoughtless person. Why would he only care about his satisfaction? If he cannot even cuddle you, there seems to be some sort of punishment involved.
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A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 If this isn't how your relationship used to be but it is now, then maybe there is a serious reason behind it. The only way you can really tell is to ask him about it. Unless somebody is psychic there's no real way to know what's going on inside his head. It definitely isn't fair that you're satisfying him and he's not returning the favour - which he can do without having sex with you. Maybe he's just being lazy? which isn't fair at all.
As for having anal sex, if you're not ready - ur not ready. just say no and stick to it. If he respects you he'll accept this and if he tries to guilt trip you then he's being an ass.
The only thing you CAN do is talk to him about it. You're obviously not happy and if things are gong to stay this way maybe this relationship isn't working. Insecurities often bring relationships down. Maybe you should find out WHY he wants to try anal sex? It could be because if he's behind you, then you wouldn't be able to see him and he'd feel better?
He obviously can't be THAT self-conscious if he still lets you do sexual things to him, and you can always have sex with your shirts on.
Honestly, just talk to him about him. You can't have a relationship without communication and if he refuses to communicate you need to decide if you can really be happy in this relationship.
Best of luck!
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): hi, there. observe how he is behaving with other women.
it may be painful to you, but inquire if he is turning a gay or something. if you rule out these two, see whether he has inferority complex about doing sex with charming women like u/ gynophobia/ sexual problems like premature ejaculation / ganneria(spelt wrong) for which he need not have ill sexual behaviour. he may also be doubting his ability to satisfy you because of the above problems. find out the reason for your present situation and ask him as a friend without hurting him after listening to him. infuse confidence in him, bye, all the best...
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