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Boyfriend masturbates to porn and then says, "it's not you". Why does he choose this over me?

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 September 2008) 33 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone,

I really badly need to get this off my chest (no pun intended). I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and when we first got together, things were great. Then I found out he watches porn. One night, I was feeling ill, and I fell asleep downstairs whilst we were both watching TV downstairs. For some reason, i woke up a little later to find myself alone. I figured my boyfriend had just gone to bed, so i turned everything off and went upstairs - to find him masturbating to porn on our bed. I was so hurt, I didn't say anything and I just went straight to sleep - probably my biggest mistake. Then a few days later, I caught him again, but this time I confronted him. I explained how much it hurt me and he just seemed embarrassed, but told me it's normal. Now the thing is, whether it's normal or not, it doesn't mean that makes it any better. And to be honest, I don't consider it normal. He said he'd stop, because he cared about me and everything seemed to be better. The last week, I found out he started again and to be honest, i just feel broken. I feel inadequate and hurt. I also don't understand the 'it's not you', because part of it is. I'm there and I'm more than willing to sleep with him, yet he chooses that over me. So, when he tells me 'it's not you', to me that's just lies and it makes the whole situation a lot more painful. Making matters even worse, the thought of him getting off by looking at other girls has seriously put me off of him physically now. And I just don't know what I do. I just need to hear that I'm not alone. Or if you feel differently, how you cope.

Broken, hurt and confused x

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A female reader, ConstantlyHurt Canada +, writes (25 July 2009):

The whole issue abt porn is very subjective (as many other things in life...sadly!) Those who watch it say its fine and those who don't (like me) don't understand. I've been dating my bf for 11 months now and he openly told me that he watches porn. I tried to accept it, until he told me dat he fantasizes about making love with female porn stars. He says he doesn't fantasize when he's making love to me, but now I cant be sure. He still watches porn and even signed up on dating site for sex partners. He denies it all but I think I'm gonna end this. So seriously, if anyone feels uncomfortable with any lil issue, its better to move on than to hold on...cuz it only gets harder and harder with time.

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A female reader, ErikaJ United States +, writes (10 July 2009):

I definitely understand how you feel - I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 3 years. We had sex several times a week for the first year or so, then it started slowing down... now it's once a week if I'm lucky! The worst part of it for me is that I'm a very sexual person with a high sex drive, and I'm feeling very frustrated these days. I also am upset because I miss the intimacy we once had. His porn use and masturbation has replaced his desire to have sex with me, and it's killing our relationship.

I discovered it after the first year, but didn't have a problem with him looking at porn as an "extra" activity in addition to our sex life. No big deal. But when it got to be EVERY day and every time he was home alone, it started bothering me. That's when I started checking the history and realizing just how much time he was spending on porn. And that he will jerk off to porn 2 or more times a day, but be "too tired" to have sex - for a week. WTF??? I could understand it if I wasn't interested in sex, but it's gotten to the point where I have to ask for it or he will ask me if it's been too long because he feels bad. And while he will spend several hours every week on porn, we rarely have sex for more than 15 minutes.

It's really starting to suck and I don't know what to do. I've tried talking about it calmly, tried telling him it's killing my self confidence and making me feel undesireable, tried getting angry and confronting him... and he knows I don't expect him to give it up completely. I just want him to enjoy a regular sex life with me and have his porn for dessert.

Am I being unreasonable or is there something I'm missing? I'm sure he's not cheating - he comes straight home from work every day and we're always together, or I know where he is. Any advice?

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A female reader, krazykat87 United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2009):

I am also in the same boat, about 6 months ago i found ut my boyfriend had been using youporn.com and it got to the point where it was everysingle day, even on the days i'd slept over! I confronted him and i cried in his arms and he told me he'd nver do it again as he realised it hurt me to masturbate to other women. we made all our own videos and i dressed up for him and let him take very saucy snaps and he assured me he'd only use the recent pictures/ videos we had made. then about a month ago i made a joke about him masturbating to dvd's and he told me he didn't do it anymore since it hurt me... what a liar!!! I've just installed internet on our laptop (recenly moved) and found out everyday this week he's masturbated to videos he has hidden on our laptop, it hurts so much. why do we take it so persnally and why do men feel the necessity to masturbate to pornographic images and lie about it!!!! we are now living together and i feel worthless.

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A female reader, Miltonneighboor Canada +, writes (27 February 2009):

Hello,

On my point of view it is normal for a men to do that and it would not be hurtful to me if he could keep it on his own. You are not with him 24/7 a day off course and he could find ways to satisfy himself with his porn when you are not there with him That would be his time. He would be showing respect. His performance in bed and having sex or not with you it is another reason for you to be upset. I would thin how come he cant even have sex with me and rather be playing whit himself. He has to be 100% men before hurting you and thinking about his fantasies. You have the same rights. Why don’t you ask him if that is ok for you to satisfy yourself with a toy ? Because he can’t do it. I am sure he will not like that.

The point is: Everybody can do whatever they want with their body, but respect and put a relationship in first place is what is the most important thing if he cares. Tell him that and don’t be afraid to say how hurt you are in this situation. Asking your men to choose you over this situation it is not asking too much… Respect and like yourself first because nobody will do it for you.!!

Be strong and good luck !

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A female reader, Miltonneighboor Canada +, writes (27 February 2009):

Hello,

On my point of view it is normal for a men to do that and it would not be hurtful to me if he could keep it on his own. You are not with him 24/7 a day off course and he could find ways to satisfy himself with his porn when you are not there with him That would be his time. He would be showing respect. His performance in bed and having sex or not with you it is another reason for you to be upset. I would thin how come he cant even have sex with me and rather be playing whit himself. He has to be 100% men before hurting you and thinking about his fantasies. You have the same rights. Why don’t you ask him if that is ok for you to satisfy yourself with a toy ? Because he can’t do it. I am sure he will not like that.

The point is: Everybody can do whatever they want with their body, but respect and put a relationship in first place is what is the most important thing if he cares. Tell him that and don’t be afraid to say how hurt you are in this situation. Asking your men to choose you over this situation it is not asking too much… Respect and like yourself first because nobody will do it for you.!!

Be strong and good luck !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008):

I respectfully disagree with the posters that are saying what is going on between you and your husband s "normal". He is choosing to watch and masturbate to pornography RATHER than to engage in love making with you. That's a problem. no matter how people try to spin it, if a man would rather please himself and not take care of the needs of his woman then there is a real issue. Your feelings are very valid and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

That being said: is it "normal" for men to enjoy masturbating to pornography? yes.

Is it normal for a man to PREFER masturbating to pornography over making love to his wife? absolutely not.

you should give him an ultimatum and tell him what you will not tolerate. If he truly loves you he will show you the respect you deserve. Your needs are being neglected, he isn't living up to his responsibilities in the relationship. Not tolerable period.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008):

I am going through the same thing right now. I caught my man watching porn twice last winter (the first time I told him that I was devastated and felt as though he did not find me desirable anymore and he said it would never happen again and then I caught him a week later!!)...it's been about 9 months since then and our sex life has gone right down the drain...I caught him yesterday at 5:00am...and went through the history and found out that he had been looking at porn either really late at night or early in the morning when I'm asleep for a while now... I'm so shocked and hurt right now...I've been telling him for MONTHS and MONTHS that I feel like I'm just living with my friend...There is no intimacy anymore like there used to be when we were first together...It's like, he says he's too tired during the week to make love but he can go out of his way to get up 45 minutes earlier than necessary to jerk off to porn rather than rolling over in bed, where I am...and make love to me instead?! I keep stewing about and trying to make this somehow my fault...I feel sick to my stomach that he would keep doing this to me...I dont know what to do. The isolation and neglect has been horrible for me to deal with. I love my man more than anything. He is my best friend in the whole entire world and we used to have amazing sex...but now, I just dont feel sexy to him anymore and he doesn't seem to understand.

I used to dress sexy for him but ever since I caught him the FIRST time, I've stopped and I dont ever want the light on b/c I just feel so disgusting and think that he is comparing me to the skanks and sluts he gets off looking at behind my back...I just feel so betrayed now. He says there is something wrong with his sex drive and will see a doctor but he's so full of it...he has no problem getting off looking at porn...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

I have always had a very open mind about sex and pornography. When a couple uses porn it can add a lot of spice to a relationship. And each partner looking at porn alone is ok, too. I had never felt threatened by porn, or by my guy going to a strip club with the guys on occasion.I have a huge sex drive. My closet is filled bondage gear and all kinds of wonderful " toys ", and lingerie which keep romance VERY fresh and exciting.Where the problems begin is when porn is used in excess and REPLACES sex with your partner. The loss of connection, of intimacy is devastating. The feelings of inadequacy this causes , the level of hurt, the resulting anger and frustration, can damage a relationship irreparably. My partner is my best friend, we share many interests and laugh, hug, cuddle, and can talk about everything .But in the past 5 years, everything has changed. He started looking at porn more and more. We have sex about 3 times a year, if even that often.The isolation and lonliness I feel now from being denied sex, is beyond words. To cheat for the sake of physical release may be tempting , but it would be an empty act. To be faced with the reality that the person I love now finds pixilated images preferrable to me is a low blow. Everytime I mention the subject he has an excuse. Keeps telling me he still cares about me as much as ever. But still, month after month go by and he never reaches for me in any sexual way. If I make any moves as, I have always done, he rebuffs me and it is too humiliating to keep doing this to myself. The history on the computer ( when he forgets to clear it )reveals daily ,lengthy massive porn viewing. I am in good shape, I exercise , take care of myself, always fix my hair & wear make-up ,make the effort to look nice even at home. But I feel completely invisible. Hear no compliments anymore. I feel as if I am getting old before my time.The silky nightgowns I wear to bed now fill me with a profound sadness. Who cares what I wear ? My cats and dog ? sometimes I think maybe I want too much, am too selfish. But ,no we all need and deserve that deep connection. Life is empty and gray without it...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008):

The act of watching porn in itself is not harmful so long as the person can live a "normal healthy" life and the porn isn't consuming their every time and thought.

As far as the significant other that is also being affected by their partner's habits is entitled to their feelings. If the partner feels that their needs aren't being met because the porn watcher is ignoring their needs and not seeming to change anything in order to meet their partner in the middle so every one is happy then I am sorry...its not a very healthy relationship.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntWell in the current credit crunch people would be stupid to waste money calling chat lines at £1.50 at minute!

Yeah, the line is difficult to draw. I guess it's a whole range of factors that people try online sex, chat lines etc; curiosity, boredom, looking for a cheap thrill (or expensive in this case lol), relationship going through a rocky patch etc.

But personally if I was in a fully-functional relationship I wouldn't do online sex, chat lines etc, (nor have I in real life I hasten to add.)

I draw the line at porn, and I have no shame in watching it. It's just frustrating that many women have a wrong misconception of a man watching porn.

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A female reader, michelleAKAmandi United States +, writes (6 September 2008):

michelleAKAmandi agony auntSweetie,

You were offended because you don't think this is normal and when you confronted him, this made him try to smooth things over. This now leaving him feeling as if he has to give something up that is not wrong. Sweetheart, do you realize how lucky you are that he is masturbating to porn and not out looking for flesh?! I can see this from both sides, yours and his because I was where you are at one time. I so hated it and felt as if there was something he liked that I was lacking. I was hurt and pissed off. Now, I do what I use to get pissed about. I researched, realized, accepted, and experimented. It worked out and I bought my husband a membership to a great site that we both enjoy. I know it's hard for you to understand this, because you don't and are not wanting to, but you could push him away if you're not careful. This is causing conflict between the two of you when in fact it could be a good thing for both of you.

It looks as if he was doing this, because he was in the mood or the hormones were raging and he didn't want to bother you because you were sick. So he went to take care of his business without disturbing you... out of love and respect. Then the next time you walked in on it, you confronted him. So he's feeling "guilty" when in all actuality he's done nothing wrong. Did you go at his throat when you confronted him or merely sit and calmly talk to him? I know this is so hard and I so wish you luck, but knowing how men are and knowing how I feel that it's normal and do it as well, you're fighting a losing battle. He's not telling you lies. Maybe he's one of those men that need that sexual satisfaction numerous times a day. I consider numerous times 5 or 6 times a day, it may be more or less, but I consider 3 or 4 normal/average. Then there are women that I know that get tired of having sex so much, I don't understand that, but not everyone is the same. In those cases I'm sure they are wishing their boyfriends/husbands would find some porn... ~wink~

I so hope you get some relief in finding your answer soon...

and if there is something in anything I said that may help and I can elaborate on more, let me know and I'll try to help more.

Michelle

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A female reader, Deema United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

Deema agony auntThanks Saltwater, just wanted to check out if I was over reacting on that one. Personally, I feel it is taking another step, but my man says how can it mean anything when the person is in another country - in his case anyway - and he is never going to meet them. It still feels like crossing the line to me, into unknown territory I guess, but he knows now I don't find that acceptable and won't do it again - or I promised I'd chop his dick off and feed it to the dog for breakfast (lovl), no lack of suttlety there then :). But seriously, I don't want to make a big issue of this because it makes it an even bigger issue, but in this day and age is it possible to have boundaries on this type of thing - don't tell me all the people that call the chat lines advertised on late night tv are single???? Very difficult line to draw I think.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntFor me, watching live sex shows and chatting on sex websites online etc. would be a step too far for me; at least in a relationship. I agree it would probably be too personal...as well as probably feeling a little weird...whether a man is in a relationship or not.

What I've learnt from this site recently is that a lot of women genuinely feel that men looking at porn (specificially looking at the woman) is a real problem, and trying to convince them otherwise is very difficult. It's not as easy as saying "it's not you"...when that is the honest answer.

But at the same time Deema you're right; women may want her man to look only at her; but I can't believe that women don't look at other handsome men as well.

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A female reader, Deema United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

Deema agony auntP.S. You are right Dio V. You may leave this relationship only to find the next man does exactly the same. Its so available nowadays. We can't stop it. We have to somehow try to find a way to live with it - or not xx

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A female reader, Deema United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

Deema agony auntThanks Dio V for your kind words. It is a very interesting subject, and I certainly have grown as a result of this particular issue in my life. I find it so good to hear the male perspective, for you are the ones who know whats going on in other male minds - its the way you are programmed, the way you think - not all exactly the same I know, but there are huge similarities as this post shows. I like to be fair, I like to try to see all sides and not be closed mind, and just like the other girls I was shocked when I discovered what my man was up to. But as a result of the fall out from the bomb that went off at that time I had to decide if this man was telling me the truth or if he was really out looking for another woman. He assured me it was just fantasy and that he would never do anything in real life. I had the reassurance of a woman who worked with him who told me before all this that he talked about nothing else but me, was besotted, and that girls threw themselves at him (he's veeeeeery good looking and has a very kind and sweet nature too, so women find that veeeeery attractive). She told me he never batted an eyelid in their direction, in fact he was quite often upset by their way of throwing themselves at him. So it backs up the words he tells me. We all like to think we are the only woman our man looks at. But is he really the only man we look at - don't we too enjoy looking at someone gorgeous? BUT now I have one question for you guys that took the trouble to reply:- Sorry for hijacking your post original poster - Are there any boundaries in this? Is watching live sex one to one, chatting on sex websites etc just the same? Or is that something else? I guess in writing this I'm answering my own questions - whats the difference, the person is no more real, they're still on a computer screen, which is little more than a tv, but somehow to me it feels a lot more personal and a little bit scarey. I'd love to hear your views on this one. Thank you. Good weekend to everyone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008):

Deema, I really wanted to thank you for your considered and measured words on this issue. It is most interesting to me to discover how hard it is for women to understand the males thinking on the porn issue. I think that the original poster would do well to follow your example and get more information about how men see other women and realise it is not a reflection on her and dosen't destroy the love and high regard he holds her in.

Dear madam,

Unfortunately your partner looks at porn which is normal to the most (not all) men, but if you really can't stand it, and you refuse to put up with it, then you really have only one choice. Unfortunately I can not guarantee that your next partner may not behave exactly the same, and he may not love you and care for you like your current one dose. Please try to understand that it is not a reflection on you. We have had men who dated beautifull models who still felt the need to indulge. It's more like eating ice-cream, a form of stress relief. The moment he finishes looking he has forgotten what he has seen...

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A female reader, Deema United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2008):

Deema agony auntI'm always so happy to read the mens views on this stuff. I find it very reassuring because they say the words my husband says, and he knows nothing about this site, so that makes me believe him more and see how harmless itreally is. Thank you boys. Its just that we are programmed so differently. Us girls on the whole, are geared to one man and we have this tendency to dedicate our lives in every respect to that one man. Men on the other hand seem to have that need of the one special woman, but they are programmed differently and it is true that its better he is doing that rather than cheating on you - so do we drag it out of them and MAKE them share it with us, or do we just know our own worth and really check out how much they love us and then make our own conclusions. This is what I've had to do. I know my man really loves me, I know how much he cares about me, so really how can that rubbish affect our relationship? If I see a sexy man or go to a hen night where theres strippers, does that mean I don't love or want him anymore? Or have I forgotten that stuff within minutes of walking away from that situation? Thats the reality of it. Someone said to me 'Does it really matter what the other person is doing if its not taking anything from the relationship'. Now there's food for thought. Think about men who have sick partners they have to take care of. They maybe go and have sex with prostitutes or someone who can take care of their needs. But they still take care of the partner 24/7, tend their every need. Is that wrong? Ooooh, this is a tough one for every one I know. Just my thoughts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008):

Yes it is normal for men to look at porn - men are visual creatures, after all - but if he knows that him doing this is hurting you, then he should stop. Any caring partner would.

You men who are defending this, saying that masturbating to porn is normal even though you have a girlfriend/wife, think about if it was the other way around. What if your girlfriend/wife preferred to 'get off' to other naked men, instead of yourself? You'd feel pretty damn bad, wouldn't you? Well that's how you're all making your women feel when you do it. If a man is happy with his sex life, and is partner is willing and available, then he shouldn't need to masturbate to porn. Discuss ways to spice things up, maybe. Some men get bored of seeing the same naked body everytime and that's why they look at pictures of other naked women. But wearing a variety of lingerie and cosumes could help break the monotony.

But you men have to understand how hurtful it is for a lot of women. Personally I felt like I was not sexy or attractive enough when my ex-boyfriend used to do it. Imagine if you knew your girl preferred to get off to other naked men instead of you. You'd feel awful I'll bet.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

I did the same thing like your husband there girl!!!

I sometimes have to jerk off myself infront of the porn stars or movies in my computer and my wife doesn't jealous about it. she know how's horny I am? She and you should admitted that it's not cheating and better than cheating. you should appreciate the way your husband did that over cheating on you. I and My wife are understand that so I have no problem. You are not the only one woman out there...

My wife and I were working so many hours and she was so tired during the week days I have to jerk off myself couple times dueto school and work time schedules and durinfg the pregnancy period. My wife doesn't care about she said to me that it save my time alot I didn't have to do it for you.

Girls!!! all you should appreciate when your men are jerking off... They are loving you very much and they don't want to hurt anyone else beside themselve that's why they do it that way.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntBefuddled1:

"Is it 100% normal for a man to prefer wanking to a porn movie over having actual real sex?"

Did I say that? No.

Of course men don't prefer wanking over porn to actual sex; but men "wanking to a porn movie" is common and natural.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for all of your replies guys. I think you're right about the sneakiness hurting and the fact i've given up things that upset him, to make him happy (things that don't envolve sex at all). I'm going to speak to him and suggest doing it together. I'm pretty sure that it wont interest me, but maybe it will mean he doesn't need to sneak around and do it behind my back.

I really appreciate your comment Deema, as it sounds very close to home. There is quite a big age gap between my partner and I, and to be honest, I do get a lot of male attention (but NEVER rub it in his face, just to clarify). I know I'm not ugly, but the porn really does make me feel ugly. I just hope i'm doing the right thing by doing this.

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A female reader, Deema United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2008):

Deema agony auntBoy oh boy. This seems to be an eternal problem that the 2 sexes will never agree on. Women continue to be confused while the men continue to say its normal. I don't know any more. But as a woman who has a man who admits he doesn't get the same thrill from watching it together, because then its not the secretive exciting thing it is to a man when he's alone - I try hard to just let him get on with it. But I also find it difficult because where does the boundary start? How far does it go before it becomes unacceptable? Because trust me, it never stops at just looking at films. Its so easily available - newspapers, mobiles, msn, its everywhere. My husband says its all just fantasy to him, that he would never do anything in real life - and at the moment I believe him. I just think he needs that extra buzz. In the past I questioned myself, especially with our age difference, buthe assures me if I was even younger than him it would make no difference to his need - and I know I'm pretty damn shesky girls :))))). So its a very personal thing - in all senses of the word - you can either live with it or not, you can either live with him or not, but I think the more you make it naughty the more fun they have and the more deceiptful they will become. Make like you don't care, and maybe it won't be so exciting any more. I don'tknow. Like I said at the start, round and round we go with this one.

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A female reader, Befuddled1 United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2008):

Befuddled1 agony auntSaltwater...? Is it 100% normal for a man to prefer wanking to a porn movie over having actual real sex?

No, I thought not.

That is the issue here!

Men are being lazy when they stop having sex with their parners and I really think that they get an extra buzz out of being sneaky and conspiring to get porn and hide it like they did as teenagers.

They have a woman to keep happy or we lovely ladies will find ourselves a man who does like the real thing and eventually that man is going to be left lonely with a very sore wrist and it will serve him right!

Porn is not the issue, sad men who prefer it to a real sexual relationship are becoming a huge problem, porn is so eaily accessable nowadays which is having a drastic effect on some relationships!

Good luck lady...get what you want from your lazy fella or get it elsewhere! x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

Men try to make this seem OKAY or normal but it is not. I have been ina serious relationship for 2+ years and I started masturbating to porn because it sadly gave me the excitement I was looking for. The thought of my gf's body didn't excite me as much because I'd been there done that. It got so bad I even started to think of the women I masturbated to when we had sex. I am trying to focus on the bad parts of porn like the fact that women who do it were usually raped and have loose vaginas. Anyway, trash that guy. take it from me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

Hang on - I don't agree in making excuses for men the whole time. Poor little men - are we patronising them or something? yeah porn is useful and porn is 'normal' BUT What he is doing is hurting you and if he knows that then he cares less for you than you want him to - much less than just harmless porn viewing for fun and laughs. Its not necessary for him to lock himself away and the fact he is actively avoiding sex with you to allow himself this fantasy world shows that there are other issues going on. He is choosing that over you - not as well as. You need to find a time when you will not be interrupted, not before bed, not when you're tired or irritable and talk about this and be blunt with him tell him what you feel, what you know and be balanced. Tell what you will accept and not accept and that you see your relationship in the balance. If you cannot find resolve and his actions will upset you I cannot see why you would want to stay in the relationship. He clearly does not care that much for you under these circumstances. My boyfriend may well sneak a look at porn I have never caught him and we discuss it as a topic but prefer a sexy film but you know something he will often say to me ...."you are my fantasy" and I don't care whether this is a little exagerrating or not on his account because it feels good to hear it. When was the last time your man made you feel good about yourself. I hope this has helped.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntDon't be sorry...it's just frustrating to see so many women seemingly get upset about this sort of thing when actually it's completely 100% normal for most men to do this.

Sometimes it's just so frustrating to write so many replies stating the same thing; that it's normal for most men to do this; and that just because he is watching porn doesn't mean he longer fancies you or doesn't want to have sex with you etc.

You only need to browse this site to see the amount of questions on it.

"He seems to wait until I go to sleep (even when i come onto him, he pretends to be asleep), then locks himself away with a laptop"

Umm, I think that couples should be open about using porn.

Maybe he waits until you're asleep as he knows you're upset about his use of porn; I don't think that he should have to lock himself away with the laptop; or feel the need to.

Maybe keep an eye on this. Whilst it's normal, some men can become addicted.

Be open about it. Learn to accept it. Or make some compromises. Maybe then he won't feel the need to pretend to be asleep or go and hide away.

Take care.

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A female reader, littlesuziepie  United States +, writes (5 September 2008):

littlesuziepie  agony auntHi. I know how you feel. It may be normal for men to do it but when they do it and try to pretend not to be doing it then its the sneeky part that gets us.

I had the same issue with someone I was dating for 3 years. He would do it right there in bed with me sleeping and if he woke me up he would pretend to be sleeping. Yet his racing heart and sweaty body told me otherwise. Especially when I would leave the bed he seemed to be awake enough to say what's wrong?.

So when the man is sneeky and decieving there is a problem.

I am sure if the man said to his woman. Look I have a problem or I like to masterbate and I'm going to do it and you can watch....join in....or maybe just said I have to do it. Talked to us about it then I know we would better understand it and accept it. So it may be normal but when its hidden then there are many other relationship offences happening that kill a womans spirit.

So don't feel bad for feeling what you do. He is making you feel this way. It may be a normal thing he is doing but to do it in such a sneeky private way gives you all the right in the world to be upset.

If we were going off while they slept and doing something behind their backs they would feel the same way. You don't hide things from the one you love. Relationships aren't about secrets.

And damn sure not if he is so uncomfortable with it he has to hide doing it at all.

Ok so don't feel bad. Please your not wrong. The point is its not the masterbating or porn that hurts its the manner in which its being done.

I wish you luck and the strength to cope with this. I know its really hard to deal with.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

Ok, here you have it from a guy with the same problem. And Yes, I see it as a problem. But you have to start with realizing that it most likely ISN'T you, but rather a habit he (I) formed before you two even met. Right now, I have the perfect girlfriend, and according to her, she sees it as normal too. But I've slipped up once or twice in the last month, and I feel terrible about it. I personally feel lower than the dirt when that happens, but it has nothing to do with my girl's shortcomings because in my eyes, she doesn't have any. This is just a habit that is one of the most difficult to break. This habit, or addiction, can gnaw at you day and night, just like alcoholism. And don't ask whether or not this is normal. If you want to use statistics to measure "normal", then it is "normal" to cheat on your spouse, and "normal" to get a divorce for trivial reasons. Would you put up with either of those?

So now you have to have a serious talk with him about it, and then HE has to make a choice what's more important to him, you or his addiction. Then you have to decide whether or not you can deal with his decision.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

This is more normal than you would think, although the regularity with which you are catching him is odd in terms of how regular he is doing it and how bad he is at hiding it.

There are a number of reasons that men, even in sexually active relationships continue to masterbate. You've been in the relationship for a long time and it is likely that he is just dealing withh his pent up and genetic urge to spread his seed in a way that does not involve cheating on you. Sounds wrong but at a base level most men get those urges in a relationship.

Or it could be the case even if you are in a sexually active relationship he might like an occasional "me time" to focus on his pleasure in sex rather than the womens which tends to dominate the usual sexual experience. I'm not saying its not enjoyable its just normally we (men) care alot more about whether you having a good time than you(women)do about us (during the actual intercourse).

I would advise having a talk with him about this and try to discern if there are any problems. But most likely he is just acting as most men do and it is not a reflection on you, and not neccessarily a reflection on the state of your relationship.

hope that helps

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A female reader, Philosopher Australia +, writes (5 September 2008):

Porn can be addictive. I'm a woman and I look at porn. Not every week, but usually at least once a month.

Porn is part of fantasy life. Fantasising about other people and other situations is normal.

I could give up porn, but I couldn't (permanently) give up fantasising! I can direct that energy elsewhere - to thinking about philosophy or solving a problem, but I couldn't keep that up forever. At some point I'd start fantasising again.

If he doesn't get his fantasies from porn, he'll create them himself. He sees a character on TV that he likes, he'll fantasise about her. He sees a good-looking woman walking down the street, more fantasy fodder. Nice co-worker... you get the point.

Don't you ever fantasise about other men? Don't you ever find other men attractive or arousing?

He may even have fantasies about you that he thinks are too kinky to mention in case he scares you away.

Things can get repetitive and dull with the same person unless you are both creative (and willing) enough to keep things fresh. Even then, people will still fantasise.

So when he says "it's not you" - he really does mean it! Even if you were perfect, he'd still probably watch porn, or at least fantasise.

You feel upset because you want him all to yourself and/or because you want to be able to fully satisfy him. Just because he watches porn does not mean he is going to go after other women, he probably won't even seriously consider doing it. As for being fully able to satisfy him - you can do your best, but he will still want to watch porn or fantasise.

I would suggest letting him watch porn, but making sure it doesn't become too much of an addiction.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

Yeah. I think your hurt feelings over it are pretty normal. Just like his urge to want to keep doing it.

This issue is just a difference in the way our brains work between the two genders. There's always some overlap with this stuff, but overall there is a clear prevailing trend that men feel one way about it and women feel another.

I think you and your BF will just need to find some kind of compromise on this. I don't think either of you deserves to be blamed for being in the wrong.

There are some people that do slide into a compulsion/addiction to porn, and that's a whole other thing that needs to be dealt with. But your description of your BF situation does not sound like this kind of severe issue going on. (Some people get so caught up in this compulsion that they actually lose white-collar careers because they can't stop looking at porn even at work.)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't mean to come across as rude. It's just hurt me so badly, i'm even more against it than ever. It hurts me because our sex life is suffering because of it. He seems to wait until I go to sleep (even when i come onto him, he pretends to be asleep), then locks himself away with a laptop. Sorry if i posted something that has been posted before, i just needed to let off steam.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (5 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntHave you browsed this site looking for posts from women posting questions exactly like you are?

There are a lot of pro-porn posters on this site (nice tongue twister) and I'm one of them.

What's your main problem; the porn? Him masturbating? Or both.

Whether you like it or not it is natural -- natural for both men AND women to watch and masturbate to porn.

Why are you asking him to stop doing what is perfectly natural for most men to do? Should he ask you to stop watching romantic films?

Just because you don't consider it normal (which, I, and most people on this site will tell you that it is completely normal) don't mean he should obey your command.

Men masturbating to porn is so natural that you saying it's not normal, is, well, crazy.

I dont mean to come across as rude, but you should take a look at:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/confused-about-pornography--is-it-cheating.html

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