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Boyfriend keeps pics of hot women on his phone and it bothers me

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Question - (14 February 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 18 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My bf keeps my photos on his phone and he also had lots of pictures of women he collects on there like models , some porn stars and women he finds hot. It makes me feel so horrible being just one of so many , like how am I even special when so many women excite him . I absolutely hate the thought that I've been just one of so many that even if he were to seperate my picture from theirs any feelings of being special to him have gone . I have tried so hard to get them back but I can't seem to . I know some people will say there must be other issues in the relationship but honestly this is the one thing that's I really can't seem to overcome. What is wrong with me.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (18 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat is wrong with You?! More like what is wrong with this man. He is still stuck in his teenager years collecting pictures of women on his phone, seriously what age is he? It sounds to me like he has no respect for women at all. Off course it is going to make you feel horrible about yourself, have you told him how horrid it makes you feel? If you have and he still refuses to delete them then I honestly think you are better away from this man child.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt No disrespect meant, but... maybe what's wrong with you could be your taste in men, your selection criteria ?...

I agree with the anon, to me a man your age or older who keeps a naked pieces of c... collection ( because that's what they are in his eyes, not women or persons ) in his phone would send off alarm bells. Isn't it quite a bit, uh, ... gross grained ? Loutish ? ...

Maybe I am being ingenerous but I have serious trouble thinking that this kind of coarseness does not spill over in other areas of his social and relationship life.

Now, I accept that most men need visual masturbatory aids ( although, I don't quite understand why. What about just closing your eyes and conjuring up things ? What about just fantasy ?... Imagine if Dante had really had to go to Hell to write about his Inferno !, or Shakespeare meet personally a King of Denmark to write " Hamlet " ! )

And masturbation is healthy and normal ( Within limits. When it's not become an addiction ).

But it is also a private thing. You do not flaunt it , brag about it, let it take over your life, or turn it into your favourite hobby.

A collection of flesh dolls ? Always ready at hand, on his cell phone ? For easy, immediate, instant gratification ? .. For intellectual entertainment during work breaks ?, instead of the daily news ...

Sorry, but- .. if he is over 20, - bleah.

It's not only that he does not show sensitivity to you, does not make you feel special, fosters your feelings of inadequacy.... it's just that he is being gross.

Now I am not suggesting you to date only effeminate metrosexuals or high bred British diplomats. If you like your guys manly, sanguine, very physical, sexual and down -to-earth : splendid. BUT ( and Uncles from DC , help me out here :) a man can be as macho and sexual as you wouldn't believe it- without turning into a caveman, and still showing some good taste and restraint in his tastes and pleasures....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhat is wrong with you?

I'd say nothing really... You might, however, put a LOT more into these pictures than he does. For him, it's jerking off fodder - you are not. I think some men prefer an anonymous picture over one of their GF for spank bank pictures out of some "twisted" respect for the GF. However, to me, it seems like they lack a general respect for women who are regarded as mere pieces of meat for their pleasure.

Maybe ASK him if he would be OK with you having a BUNCH of pictures of other men on your phone that you drool all over? HAVE a conversation with him. Doesn't mean he will delete them, but you will hopefully HEAR in his own words why he has them?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

When I read your post I assumed you were much, much younger - because the guy you are with sounds incredibly immature! Why should you 'overcome' this? I'm sure there will be plenty of people who say "oh poor men, they are such visual creatures they need the stimulation". Really? Its just sexually obsessive behaviour on his part. He has created his own little porn mag on his phone that he can flick through when he wants. Of course there are plenty of men that have lovely pics on their phone of their wives / girlfriends / partners, their kids or other family members, holidays, favourite places etc. Pictures that say a great deal about who they are, what is important to them. What does your partners phone say about what is important to him? That is really the essence of it. You don't feel special. He doesn't make you feel special. I'm not surprised. Even if he deleted them you know his focus is not going to be on you. You can 'try' you can 'change your approach' you can 'talk to him' or 'tell him how you feel'. Is that going to help? I doubt it because he isn't going to change his behaviour. You could accept it and the low self-esteem that goes with it. Put images of hot guys all over the front of the fridge - firemen, sports stars, highly intelligent wealthy but great looking guys (you get the gist) and see what happens. If he complains just say "I like looking at them when I'm hungry". At some point you might decide this guy is just immature and not what you want or deserve and you want to find someone that treats you right (from the start) and you don't have to explain what is right and wrong. Don't waste your life.

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