A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a Marine and worked in Bosnia back in 1999 as a "peacekeeper". He's 33 now and is still having some issues...he can't go into cities, he still carries a gun on him, and he has horrible nightmares time to time. I'm the only person he's ever opened up to about it since he father died 5 years ago. I know it's PTSD. I tried asking him if he would like to go to a therapist and I would accompany him for the support but he's the "tough guy" type and I don't think he wants anyone to view him as weak. Even when he does open up to me he apologizes for dumping it on me and shuts down. I think he does this because I really don't ever say anything back when he talks about it. I sit and I listen but I don't think that's enough. He needs more and I've never been in the same position as him so I can't relate. He will not go to a support group or talk to anyone else about it. I think he feels that he's supposed to be this hard faced emotionless person who just deals with it. He's a very loving person towards me and our children (we're both divorced so his son isn't mine and vice versa), he has a lot of friends and gets along great with our families. But at night when he sleeps over I hear him mumble in his sleep and he wakes up in a cold sweat. I try to hold him and talk to him but he leaves the room and stays downstairs for a couple hours. He says it doesn't happen often, but I live in the city and I think it stresses him out too much. I've caught the look in his eye when I've woken him up from his nightmares and it scared me a little. I don't wake him up anymore because I don't want to have his hand go around my throat, and he goes downstairs because he's ashamed he reacted to me once...I don't know what to do with him, I love him dearly and want to help him but how do you help someone that won't break down and take it? Is there a better way I could go about it?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 It must be very hard for you to deal with this, especially when he will not accept that he needs help with it. Most men are the same they are in denial and they think that if they keep brushing it under the carpet it will go away. He is in denial and doesn't feel that he needs help. I guess only he knows the way he was brought up and the way he was treated when he was in the marines. They are taught to be a man and to toughing up and this will have stuck in his head and made him feel like he cannot open up or accept help.
It is a good start however that he is starting to open up to you in small bits and is sharing some of his past with you. It is a very good start and it is a step forward. Give him some time and just keep doing what you are doing, as I can tell you care deeply about him and this is stressing you out as well.
It is very hard to try and help someone with PTSD especially when he won't accept it himself. It can be a very long and stressful time. Just remember not to take anything personal. It must have scared you when he grabbed you around the throat and many woman would have run a mile. He is very lucky he has you to support him, as this process is not easy on you either. But just remember that if he makes a habit of unacceptable behaviour make sure he knows that it is not going to be tolerated. Even though am sure he feels guilty afterwards you need to be tough with him and tell him it cannot happen again. Don't allow your heart to rule your head.
You also need to think of yourself here as well. He needs a support network but so do you, have you friends and family outside of this that you can lean on when you need support? Think about yourself and your life as well, and even though he needs you, you cannot make him open up to you, so be there for him but also have a life outside of it. I think personally that he does really want to open up to you and tell you everything that happened him but I think he is scared that he might scare you and end up losing your love if you find out about everything in his past, everything he witnessed and everything he done. Therefore you need to make sure you never judge him and reassure him that you love him and nothing will change that.
Are you doing anything fun in your relationship together? Do you ever just get time to yourselves to have a laugh? If he has PTSD he may not be up for having fun he may prefer to hide away and forget about his life. But don't allow that make sure that you both set time to have fun together. Watch a movie, go out with friends or even invite friends over. Be silly and do silly things that will make you both laugh. Just remember laughter is healing and along with that and you he will soon get better hopefully.
On a last note there is nothing that you can do to make him go to see a therapist therefore all you really can do is to be there for him and listen and offer your love and support. If and when he is ready am sure he will make the right choice for him. Good luck and I hope you have a happy future.
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