A
female
age
51-59,
*hytry
writes:I feel ignored and neglected by my boyfriend. He also says alarming insensitive things -- I can't decide if he's being intentionally hurtful to boost his own ego, or if he's really just stupid. First, the ignoring/neglecting: We don't get much alone time, because he has kids. I don't take an issue with that -- his kids are wonderful, and I enjoy spending time with them. But when we do have time alone together, all he wants to do is either have sex (and I hardly ever even come anymore, partly because I'm on anti-depressants and they have that effect on me, and partly because he makes me feel like I'm imposing on him to even try -- I never felt like that with another guy, by the way), or watch tv. Any sporting event -- doesn't matter the sport; doesn't matter who's playing. I'll try saying something to him, and he continues to sit at a bar and watch tv and not even acknowledge my existence! Also, he often doesn't bother to ask me about my day, and when we are on the phone in the evenings (after talking about his day) and I start talking about mine, he tells me he's going to "roll over now and go to sleep." He forgets -- or just doesn't care enough -- to ask me about important events in my life (career successes, etc.), yet I hear endless stories about his ex-wife (who he still refers to occasionally as his wife, even though they've been divorced for 2 1/2 years -- she cheated on him), his mother, his work, etc. Now the alarmingly insensitive things: He tells me how he's hot for certain celebrities, that friends of him e-mail him pictures of hot women all of the time, tells me which female friends of his he thinks are hot, etc. He also puts me down a lot, calling it "gentle teasing." I'm better educated than he is, have a more prestigious career (okay, he makes more money -- but that's really a function of the careers we chose -- he chose money and I chose freedom), and frankly, I'm a lot better looking than he is (I'm tall, thin, look younger than I am, and am told that I look a lot like a particular celebrity, though much prettier -- he is balding and has a big gut). We've both been married before, and we're not kids. Is he really just trying to boost his own ego, or is he really a jerk (or both)? He makes me not want to see him or talk to him anymore, though at least he gives me something to do on weekends (yeah -- hang out with his kids and watch him watch tv). I think in my middle age my standards might have sunk so low that relationships with men are just too much trouble anymore.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, my ex, puts me down, teasing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, whytry +, writes (15 February 2011):
whytry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for making me feel better! I'm relieved to say that the relationship is over. My former boyfriend came over (uninvited) Saturday morning, had sex with me (I thought it was "make-up sex" after we got in a fight Friday night about his neglecting me), and then he broke up with me! He had brought with him all of the stuff of mine that I had left at his house (though he didn't bring it into the house until *after* we had sex and he broke up with me), and took his stuff -- all my stuff, that is, except for a cashmere scarf I bought for myself several years ago that he asked a month or so ago if he could wear for a while. But in my box of belongings, he left me an envelope with $400 in it and a note saying that he wanted to keep the scarf and he enclosed money for it. Seems to me that was a pay-off for the fraudulent sex we just had to relieve his guilt (assuming he's actually capable of experiencing guilt). Anyway, that move has made moving on a lot easier. He's now telling me that he loves me and is committed to me, wants to take a couple weeks' break and then talk about getting back together, etc. After what he pulled on me Saturday morning, I don't think so!!!!
Thanks again for your advice and support -- it's much appreciated!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Visualise yourself having the life and being in the relationship you want for yourself. No anti-depressants, satisfying love-making, caring, communicative, supportive, fun etc then go out and find it for yourself. You won't be on your own for long and this jerk will be a fading bad memory before you know it. Take a few months out after you end it and see a counsellor to talk things through to make sure whilst in a vulnerable, just come out of an abusive relationship period in your life you don't get into another one. You deserve much better!!!!!!
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