A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been having some trouble with the settings on my phone so I was messing around figuring out how to fix it. I had to run out to do an errand and left my phone in the middle of figuring it out. When I returned I remembered I had not finished what I was doing, so I grabbed my phone, to find out my fiance went through my facebook, email, voicemail and messages. I asked him why he did that and is first response was "what are you talking about?" His second response was " I wanted to play that game", I knew he was lying because what he didn't know was the phone shows recent activity and I knew where I had left off. I again, asked why he felt the need to go through my phone and he continued to say to play the game and he couldn't figure it out.Now, I really don't care if he uses my phone or even went around looking at anything because I have nothing to hide. He even knows my phone password and everything is easy access once you get past that. I am loyal, honest and I am not doing anything wrong. He, on the other hand has a track record that I have forgiven over and over and over again, so this just hurts me to the core that he would have the balls to be "checking up" on ME.After three hours (of mostly silence and separating) he came back continued to say he was going to play the game and couldn't figure it out and then finally added he was "intrigued" and was looking around because his phone is not as advanced. Yet, he opened a specific email from a male person (it was a bulk newsletter email he sends out to all because he is a musician and we live on opposite coasts and have known each other for well over 10 years) and didn't open anything else. And continued to ask him why he did this, was it is own guilt, did he find what he was looking for or not, I was trying to understand it all. I wasn't buying any of his story and I did give him plenty of time to come clean, and he often lies about a lot of things so I wasn't surprised he held onto his story for as long as he did. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he loves me and he wasn't looking for anything and that I haven't given him a reason to not trust me. But he still did it.Now, his track record.... I won't go into the whole thing...we've been together almost three years and have lived together for two of them. He keeps pretty much everything to himself and only shares day to day same old repetitive work related things. He has been called out for withholding a problem with a prior to us, female friend who it turned out he was having sex with and she was not letting him go and he was not doing anything about it, he met a girl at a a store and exchanged numbers and she started contacting him because she thought he was interested and he claims they were just talking about football and god forbid he has any female friends and said he would not contact her any more. Another time it was the old browsing history thing....turned out he was going on hook up sites and communicating back and forth with prior contacts on the site and again claimed he didn't know them, and they were just friends and the girl was in a relationship. Seriously, he's either an idiot or thinks I'm one. He said he would delete the site. Then, not too long ago, he was constently deleting the browser history...he's hiding something, so I confronted him about that too. Problem is, he's got a quick answer for everything. Every time he gets called out on something, he says he won't do it anymore, (and he doesn't) because he loves me and doesn't want to do anything to ruin us or whatever. Problem with all of this is I should not have to tell him what he is doing is wrong and he should not have been doing it in the first place...its like he's dense, I mean for real, like it doesn't click until he is told otherwise, like a child. I can't quite put my finger on it.Now, anyone reading this would say, oh he's cheating. He's got one foot out the door, he's untrustworthy, etc. I look at all of this and say the same things.He leaves early in the morning and comes home right after he's done working (he's a delivery driver). He works a second job on some nights and weekend days right down the street and he's home right after (I see him often and randomly). He contacts me multiple times a day, daily with simple texts to stay in touch. Unless he's picking some chick up and doing her in his truck with the helper there, I can't quite see how this guy could be cheating. I highly monitor the computer now and he's not doing anything inappropriate or cheating worthy. He does not have a phone compatible for internet, I've gone as far as looking at his clocked hours sheet just to make sure...nothing adds up. Yet, he leaves me in a constant state of suspicion because he keeps everything to himself and lies about things that make no sense why you would lie about them in the first place. Like I got in a car accident... a friend is going to look at the car, his text to the friend says if I contact him just tell her we got our wires crossed...he tells me it was his fault and he tells my daughter it was the other drivers fault...just stupid doesn't make sense stuff like that. I tell him often...if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything, but he doesn't get it at all. Way over his head.This is getting long, sorry. I'm just not sure what to do about this whole thing. I should be the one going through his phone and email, FB etc. because of all the things he's done and he's going through my stuff and I have not done a thing and he knows it.I can't live like this. He has so many good qualities and many things I love about him, we get along quite well, and besides this trust thing, we are good together. But if you don't have trust, there is nothing. I am thinking about suggesting counseling for him to understand what and how he does things is sabatoging our relationship as a last ditch effort. I just don't know if he's worth it if I can't trust him. What to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): Wow.. that's a terrible feeling when the person that's suppose to love and trust u more than anyone is diggin through ur phone. No matter how much they deny it, its a sign of distrust. I know because I have done it before and that's exactly why I did it. I didn't trust her at all. What's really killing you, and I feel ur pain, is that u want him to just be honest bout it. 'Baby I'm sorry.. you seem too good to be true'. Then again yall had mad problems before this phone checking in incident and that's the REAL problem. Like I said, I done it before but it was a lot that happened that led up to that. I was the.. I guess.. 'gud one' in my relationship. We were great the first year.. I mean fukn awesome. Not a single fight just gud lovin. Then one day she did some real funny shit when she got a phone call. I'll just say she nervously went through a lot of motions and started volunteering lies when I hadn't asked her shit. I didn't wanna see her phone, I just told her calmly as I cud, 'Baby I don't know wuts goin on right now but don't insult my intelligence'. The more I told her it was cool and forget about it.. the more she explained. I talked to her twice while I was at work.. she still explaining. I was really wishin we cud talk bout sum else. By the time I got home tho.. she was a different chick. 'This is my mfn phone and I'll talk to whoever I want to on my phone. U don't pay my dam bill!' ........and I was givin this chick at least $500 a month faithfully. I tried hard to make it work for a while but she so often acted like she cudnt care less. Just 4 years of off and on drama. I eventually just gave up tryin to please her. I got a new girl and all but that didn't last so I called myself just chillin for a while. Whole time she comin around talkin bout 'im different yea im different' like she 2chains or sum. That's how she came bak tho. Checkin MY phone. And I know she had checked it mad times before but she ain't never find nothin to trip about. I loved the hell out her ass. This time she saw somethin tho. Texts between me and the babe I was with in between. I still want this chick back bad as hell right now! I was so fed up from the first chick that by the time I got a gud chick I wasn't dealin with any bs.. straight zero tolerance for anything. I just didn't wanna go outta my way any more. I didn't know how damaged I was. Cause I'm normally a go outta the way for my babe type of guy. Ok.. I'm draggin on and on. But yea.. I kinda went all around the world to try to show u I can relate. I commend u because with all he had done I'm sure u still not the type to check his phone. Instead u trust him because u know its essential. When I checked that phone.. I felt terrible. Not because I found things she lied about (i did) but because that's not me at all and I realized being with her had changed me for the worse. If u gotta question somebody's intentions constantly u are better off walkin away. Well, that's how I feel in my case anyway
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): "Zoals de waard is, vertrouwd hij zijn gasten."
For those unfortunate in life not to be Dutch, that is a dutch saying freely translated as "By his own nature, the innkeeper judges his guests".
Honest people think everyone else is honest as well.
Liars think everybody is a liar like them.
One of the most tiring issues in dealing with compulsive liars is that they lie about everything and anything so you never know if they really did something wrong because they lie about stuff that doesn't mean anything as easily and readily as about real betrayal.
And that gets old fast. At least for me. You might be able to deal with it and make it work. I wouldn't but this your life and not mine.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 October 2012):
 for some people telling little lies, medium lies and big lies becomes so ingrained that it seems normal. It's beyond me why. It's almost as if, 'if they tell the truth, then others will know too much about them'.
It is hard to understand and frustrating to deal with.
I think he was applying his own standards to you, whereby he has a few secrets himself so he just had to confirm for himself that maybe you did too.
And when he was sprung he lacked the courage to own up.
Due to things I suggest that you both attend some counselling on building trust.
Then he attend extra on why he lies.
And i think a guilty conscience on his part, about himself, made him snoop.
I think he has some maturing required in his behaviour
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I'll start of my answer based on your headline alone.
"Boyfriend has the nerve to go through my phone when he's the one who doesn't tell the truth!"
Well of course! He is the liar, and every liar thinks everyone else are lying. Same as every cheat suspect their partner of cheating. If he's checking your phone, or suspects you are lying, or cheating, it is because he himself is doing it!
That's a no brainer. People always assume their partner think just like them. So if he's been sending dirty texts, he's convinced you are sending dirty texts as well. Sure tell sign that you are dating a liar or a cheater.
As for the rest of your post: look, you've forgiven him over and over, and he continues to lie over and over. What exactly do you think is going to happen here? That suddenly he becomes a perfect honest man? You know what he's like, you know dead sure he is a liar, and you know what you've forgiven him for over and over, things he apparently have kept doing over and over. And will do again, over and over. You don't have a right to complain by now, because you know what he's like. If you're unhappy about it you need to leave him. If you want to be with him then you need to accept that this is the sort of crap he'll pull on you, but YOU are the one who's decided to stay. I am sure you have your reasons, but you can't come complaining about it afterwards when you knew exactly what to expect from him.
He wont change. Why so surprised that he went through your phone? It is typical behaviour of a liar that continues to do things over and over, and who continues to get your forgiveness over and over: they just continue with the bad behaviour because there are no consequences.
He's probably checking your phone and e-mail quite often, it's just this one time he got caught red handed, because he wasn't aware that the new phone could track his activities.
" I'm just not sure what to do about this whole thing. I should be the one going through his phone and email, FB etc"
Uhm, no. You should be leaving, thats's what you should be doing. Seriously, what is so horrible about being single that you need this man and this treatment? Do you ENJOY this relationship? Do you like all this disrespect?
When you don't have trust you have no relationship. Final cut. Doesn't matter how "great" he is, THERE IS NO TRUST. Without trust, there is no relationship. I don't understand why, after three years, you're still with this man? Don't you think you deserve better? Even being single beats this, because then at least you have your self respect. You don't have much self respect when you accept being taken for a fool every day.
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