A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have hit a rough patch recently as we've both been ill on and off and very busy at work. Basically just not in sync, no sex, just all very practical chat. We're both feeling better now so this weekend was gonna be the weekend to reignite the passions as far as I was concerned. We both went out separately last night, and I came home early. Turned on his laptop to log on to facebook and he was already logged in. Bad, I know, but I had a look around his page and noticed that recently he had been emailing girls he either dated in the past or had flirted with. One of them the emails were very flirtatious and he basically asked himself over to hers for dinner. So I became suspicious (I think that's ok isn't it?) but again what's not ok is that I had a good look around his laptop to find out what else he'd been up to. Basically found raunchy pics of him that he had taken with his phone and emailed to himself and then on to another email account he'd recently set up. Also photos obviously sent to him of a naked girl!Now what do I do???? I feel pretty digusted with him, can't stop seeing those photos in my head and the face of the girl he'd been flirting with on facebook (to make that part worse when we first got together with me he still had raunchy pics of that girl on his phone so the fact that it is her makes it worse). Literally can't think of anything else. Not sure I can trust him. What are your thought - overreacting? If I confront him and he says it was all online flirting and nothing else do you think I should forgive? Tempted to demand to see his phone to make sure!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): If he doesn't say he's sorry or put up with the fire he's made in the kitchen, he's not sorry. Don't ever assume in a relationship. You know how the old saying goes. "Assume makes an ass out of u and me."
A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (15 November 2010):
Why does he do it? Because he can. Because he loves it. Because he gets off on the attention...because he doesn't see it as being wrong.
Many people think that they are unfaithful only if their bodies are unfaithful. They think emotional contact does not count and they do not recognise the damage it causes. If he doesn't understand, he will just make the right noises at you and then carry on when he thinks he has duped you into backing off. He will also cover his tracks better, now that he knows you have been spying on him.
I once managed to get it through by this method. I asked a man to imagine his ultimate dream car. I asked him to see it gleaming, shining - the object of his desire. Then, I said, I want you to imagine your girlfriend taking out a key and leaving a massive scratch down the side of it. When you now look at the car, do you see a beautiful car or are looking at the scratch. Are you asking why she did it and are you angry that she did? I said, when you emotionally cheat - you are scratching someone's heart in the same way.
Oh, I am sure he has lots of hide. I really don't understand why isolated incidents are acceptable at all as an excuse. How many contacted girls is acceptable? None..I think is the correct answer.
How can you learn to trust?...when you believe him. If you don't believe his word and you want physical proof, you really have a trust crisis going on. It kind of puts the writing on the wall as to what is going to happen eventually.
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A
female
reader, SmilySmily  +, writes (14 November 2010):
Well, to me he sounds pretty bad..(sorry to say that). you two weren't feeling well and busy to see each other but he managed to take pics and got pics back from others..that doesn't sound right to me. But i dont thnk he'd like the idea of you kinda looking at his laptop and stuffs so I wouldn't know how to tell him...maybe tell him that you accidently found out the stuffs and you don't really understand why he's doing that.. (its worse coz that its the same naked girl!!!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! I know I did a bad thing by looking but sooo glad I did.
Some more background:
We've been together 4.5 years and living together 3.5 years.
We met on the internet through a networking group which used to meet a lot in bars etc. From those days I was aware he had a bit of a reputation for being a flirt.
He was doing the flirting/texting before he got ill but I was ill/overworked.
Just confronted him (before reading your response). He says he knows he did a stupid thing and wants to know if it is a deal-breaker. He's not actually said "I'm sorry" (rarely does) but I think that's what he means. He has not said he won't do it again. Basically told him that I can't trust that he's telling me the truth when he says they were isolated incidents. I more or less suggested he should open his phone and computers up to me so I can see for myself. Strangely he just skirted around that. Makes me think there is more to hide!
What do you think-more to hide? Should I do some more snooping?
He keeps harping on about how he never actually physically cheated. Doesn't seem to understand that there are 2 vital unaddressed issues- how can I learn to trust him again and how is he going to make sure he doesn't do it again when I have my next spell of illness? Also why does he need it anyway- I understand we all like a confidence boost now and then but surely not at the risk of a 4.5 year relationship. That says to me that there is some other underlying issue.
More thoughts please!
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (14 November 2010):
Hello. I feel as though I have said what I am about to say a thousand times, but I will say it again.
A relationship is made up of two components. The physical side and the emotional side. Therefore, an infidelity can be decribed as a physical or emotional intimacy which betrays the trust of a partner. Chat sites, textual relationships, phone sex, flirty emails, can all be seen as intimate acts that betray your trust. In other words, cheating.
Our emotions fuel our relationships. If we have negative feelings, suspicious feelings, unhappy feelings - guess what? Unhappy relationship.
Now...let's talk about deal-breakers. Many would consider their boyfriend emailing girls and asking themselves over to dinner as a deal-breaker. That is - relationship over. WHY do you think he was inviting himself over to dinner - to play scrabble? Why do you think he is sending naked pictures of himself to women?
Don't think you can trust him? Deal bloody off, mate!
Well, of course he is going to deny anything has happened. Of course he is going to say that nothing physical happened (and so it doesn't count) and of course he is going to growl loudly at you for snooping on him.
If the only thing that will convince you that he is up to no good is to catch him a physical act or planning a physical act, set up a bogus account and contact him.
SO, look what has happened. He is contacting other women, you are snooping on him. Trust has definitely flown out the window and that is never a good sign for a healthy relationship.
I think you need to take a long, hard look at your relationship.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (14 November 2010):
 I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend, but I'm afraid it certainly sounds as if he hasn't entirely given up on this previous girl.
That you snooped around is a sign of the times - you haven't done anything that most normally curious people wouldn't. You didn't set out to snoop - you were just going to use his laptop, and found something he had forgotten to turn off. That, after seeing what you saw on facebook, you had a snoop round his laptop, is entirely natural, although naughty. I too would have found it impossible not to do that, having seen what he'd been up to.
Let's face it: of course some people are saints, but a hell of a lot of people surreptitiously monitor their partner's phones and laptops. Happens all the time.
So forget how you found out. The problem is, you have found out. Am not sure what you should do now, but know you won't rest until you have confronted him. What makes it far worse is that although too busy and ill to have sex with you, he has been fine for taking naked pics of himself and flirting online.
Sorry ... doesn't sound good to me. Tell him the truth: that you accidentally saw his facebook page: but probably don't say about the rest of the investigating you did. What there is on facebook is enough to confront him with. See what happens.
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