A
female
age
41-50,
*ed up!
writes:Hi, new here so thanks in advance. Been with BF 15mths and he reckons to love me.kind , generous but proper sex does not happen and why am I asking cos really I'm sure the problem is Stella Artois!! However he hardly snogs me now and and I rarely see an erection!! God am I that hideous?!! I won't make the first move and really I've given up and I think I'll have to leave him which will make me sad!Praps he's gay,he's certainly impotent and scared of failure. He won't have a medical check for diabetes,BP,heart and so on so sadly I see the tears coming!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022):
You don’t seem hideous. your relationship is good apart from sex and erections it seems. You should not let him go because of just this. you can help your partner by being understanding and patient. Many men feel embarrassed and frustrated about erections. Also, you want him to enjoy sex with you. You want to really turn him on. Here are some tips:
Get him to relax.
The main problem is in his mind. he's worrying about whether he'll please you, whether he smells OK, or whether you're enjoying yourself. There could be a million things going through his mind. Think about how you feel when a man goes down on you. Get him to relax. Talk it through with him.
Don't take it personally, and don't use confrontation.
Most of the time he'll be terrified that the longer this continues, the more chance he has of losing you. Make sure you give him plenty of reassurance, and let him know you love him.
Give him time.
A lot of guys who suffer from erection problems have emotional issues in the background which they need to deal with. They need support and understanding. Most the problem is mental, and with time his little head will start working as soon as his big head is back in the game.
You said proper sex does not happen. To help him you should try the first move by initiating sex. Here are some tips you can use for that. How you choose to initiate sex should be in line with your partner’s initiation preference. Does your partner prefer verbal or physical invitations to sex? Do they want to be approached subtly (e.g., flirting, “accidental” touching, etc.) or directly (“Want to have sex?”)? Does your partner like to be surprised or prepared? ese questions should give you a good idea about which of the following creative ways to initiate lovemaking will work best for you.
• Verbalize your desire for your partner. There’s a big difference between thinking that your partner wants to have sex because they’re horny or because they desire you specifically. Make your partner feel special with compliments, dirty talk, and reminders about how much they mean to you.
• Approach them directly. Sometimes a simple “You in the mood for a quickie?” can go a long way. Just ask. You may be surprised by the speed at which your partner answers.
• Touch lovingly. Build up the desire with a nuzzle here and a squeeze there. People who prefer subtle physical initiation might enjoy being hugged, stroked, kissed, or massaged to get in the mood.
• Be demanding. If your partner appreciates spontaneity, you can be demanding about what you want, physically or verbally. Push them up against a wall and start making out. Climb on top of them and strip. Command them to take their pants off.
• Text it. A long and slow buildup can be very hot for those who like to be prepared for sex. Start early in the day with a flirty message, and make the messages dirtier as the day progresses.
• Get naked. This can be a good method when you find it difficult to use verbal or physical cues, but you’d like to get your partner in the mood. Strip down to your birthday suit and hop into your partner’s side of the bed.
• Take a shower. If your partner just got in the shower, it may be a good time to decide that you suddenly need to shower too. Right. Now. Just get in there together and soap up.
If your partner is nervous about being able to maintain his erection long enough to have sex, he might try to rush through foreplay. However, that can make the problem worse, since neither of you will be quite as aroused. Make foreplay into a game—talk about what both of you like, then spend more time doing that!
• Try kissing, cuddling, touching, stroking, and teasing—those are all great ways to help both of you get and stay aroused. Let him know it's okay for both of you to climax doing those things.
• playing with a soft penis can be enjoyable
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (20 September 2022):
 None of this is down to you, the problems lay with him and he needs to man up and address these issues.
There could be a myriad of reasons that could be causing his dysfunction, and alcohol is certainly a contributing factor, as is watching porn too, not saying he is, just stressing that point.
I feel that you have kind of made up your mind what you want to do, and if you are considering ending this relationship that i think you should do this sooner rather than later as the longer you leave it the harder it will get.
Ending a relationship is never easy, and as you say it will make you feel sad. But time is the healer of all things, and at the end of the day if this relationship is bringing you down and your not happy then ending it is the best thing to do. Your health and happiness is what is important.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (19 September 2022):
 Oh dear, where to start?
- His inability to get an erection is not about YOU or how attractive you may/may not be. Stop making it about you. That is not helpful.
- His inability to get an erection does not automatically mean he is gay. Of course, he COULD be gay (or even bi) but, if this is the only reason you have to believe this, then it is a very flimsy reason.
You don't really give much information so unfortunately I have a lot of questions:
- Has he EVER been able to get and maintain an erection with you?
- If so, did something happen that marked the beginning of this issue?
- If he has always been the same, why have you put up with it for so long?
- WHY won't you make the first move? Have you considered that, just perhaps, that may spark something?
- You say he is "scared of failure". Has he actually said as much? If he had an issue with keeping his erection just one time, this may have planted the fear in his mind that it will happen again and, sadly, this becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
Of all the reasons you suggest for the issue, the alcohol and the fear of failure would be the two things I would put at the top of the list of probable causes, along with possible medical issues.
If your relationship is good apart from this one thing, have you considered letting him satisfy you in ways other than intercourse? Have you actually talked about it? Or are you adamant it is either full intercourse or nothing?
Just a random thought: I wonder if he is worried about getting you pregnant? Is that a possibility?
You two need to talk honestly and openly so you can decide whether anything is likely to change. Don't mince your words with him. Tell you straight that you are not happy and, if he is not willing to at least try to sort out the issue, your relationship is probably going to fail.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 September 2022):
 I doubt you are "so hideous" - I doubt it's even about YOU.
He doesn't want to go see a doctor, many men don't when it comes to ED. Quite often it is a medical reason, sometimes even one that can be helped.
And yeah, if he drinks a lot of beer (alcohol) that surely isn't helping either.
This isn't your problem to FIX.
You need to figure out if you want a sexless relationship with this guy or if sex is more important than his companionship. And that is OK too. Wish him well. Move on.
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