A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This might take me a few to sort through,to the actual question.Few basics,I am married ,been married 19 years now,been through alot,husband is 10 years older then me,have 2 boys ,both grown and gone now,Husband has cheated on me 3 times in those 19 years,but i always stuck through it,for i was a stay at home mom and had the kids.Kids left,i went back to work,about 3 years now fulltime,here is where it gets a bit confusing,i was diagniosed with type 2 diabeties last year january,was off work for a bit and started to instant message a male collegue at work ,we were basic work collegues and friends.My husband and i have not been intimate or even touched one another in over 2 years now,one day talking to this man at work i said ok im make some food,he says he will bring me desert i laughed at it joking around so i thought......He showed up at my house,well needless to say, one thing almost led to another but i stopped that day.I said no not enough time,well.....i was very sexually attracted to him,and we have become close,the following day,he come back over and it happened.At first,i went through every possible thing in my head,it is lust,it was because i was down over being stuck and sick,a weak moment,I even went to say maybe a midlife crisis.So i come to this point now, more then a year later,and here is the shocker i am still seeing this man 3 times a week,in my house,(i got to either be nuts or just i dunno at this point)I see him everyday at work ,we r close as can be,enjoy every part of being together when we can.Now i care for my husband,i love my kids,It is quite clear my husband has lost all intrest to most of any of my needs.I mean been with this other guy for a year now or more 3 times a week in my house.I talk to him on phone everyday after work for a hour atleast and yes with my husband right there most the time,he knows of him as a friend from work.Ok here is where it gets worse,this man is also married,he been married 15 years and still has a young boy at home age 13,So i know it can never go past where it is,even that we both acknowledge at this point it isnt lust or anything like that,We both have said neither of us ever inteded for it to go the way it has,His wife i am perusming doesnt notice just as my husband,i never ask those questions ,he can not abondon his child,i would not let him,and i dont think i would have the courage to actually say to my husband im done.....We both know it is worng, but it has happened, and cant change that fact now,we are both old enough to know better,we have talked about all the same things, we both originally thought it was just a lust thing or a simple stress reliever we even laugh sometimes about how it started,but we both know there isnt much more at this point we can do.We both enjoy every aspect of it.So is it possible to be just totally be in love with someone,and carry on like we are with both knowing it is all we will ever get? We are both happy with how it is ,we both know the feelings on each side,I will say it seem's like a major disaster just waiting in the wind to happen.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): Yes it is , if you want to stay married end it now.Never see this man again,you really need to talk to your husband. Happy people don't have afairs. I think you are caught up in the moment and being selfish, sex is exciting but I doubt it will last and you may end up on your own.Then guilt will begin. You need to take time away from the situation and think in the long term.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): i know just how you feel, i have been going through the same thing for a long time and there is no change in site, i have been going with the flow, and,it will probably go on like this, but i can accept it, the question is can you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): Question: Is it a major disaster waiting to happen?
Answer: Yes, next question.
Why: Dishonesty, fear, guilt, betrayal, suppression, lust, lack of communicatino, lots of different people's feelings involved, living in a web of lies.
Solution: Damage control. Your choises are:
1. Keep everything hidden, and live a lie.
2. Live honestly and authentically but end up hurting a lot of people.
3. Do a bit of both by resolving the situation but not telling the whole truth to diminish other people's hurt, but having to live with the guilt.
OR................
4. Go to councelling. Go to a professional who will help you come to understand the situation you are in better than you can see it on your own, and together with you find the best solution out of your mess. There is damage done, and no one will get off scott free, but there is a way out in which everyone will be ok, and be able to find peace and move on with their lives in a positive way, which ever path you choose for yourself. If you want to find this path, I cannot stress seeing a councellor enough.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, xSpacexDementiax  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 Whoa, hang on a minute... why are you staying in the relationship with your husband??? Regardless of whether you are having an affair or not, I hardly think it's fair to stay with this man if there's no attraction between you. I know it will be hard but I think it's for the best if you go your seperate ways with your husband. Life's too short to stay in an unhappy marriage, and if the kids have moved out it shouldn't affect them too much.
As for the other man... well you've had your fun, but you have to consider his son.
To be honest with you I think it sounds like you need to sort your head out... years of being ignored and cheated on by your husband have probably messed you up a little, and you'd probably benefit from a couple of months or so alone.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 Tough situation! Is it wrong? Well if you're both decieving your partners then I'll have to say yes, it's not normaly accepted behaviour. How do you feel about it; guilty? I know the passion in an affair is great, almost addictive. It seems fine for the moment but the problem is when either you or your lover become emotional attached to each other. Things will start to fall apart and a lot of people will get hurt. Have a good look inside yourself, check out your values and principles. Is this how you want to live your life? It's all down to you...Take care.
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