A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner looks at naked pics of those typical perfect bodied women. If they're not naked they're usually close to it.Although I have a good body, I have small breasts which are now a little droopier due to having given birth. Breast feeding.I'm not prepared to have a boob job but I just feel like crying when I think how I've lost my nice boobs and my partner is looking at people with better bodies than me. It's soul destroying and hard to get intimate as I feel he's settling for me because he can't have those women in the pictures he looks at. Of course he's too nice to say he thinks I'm ugly now. Why do you guys look at naked pics... If you wanna get horny why not just watch porn, that I can understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): Don't you worry in a little while your boobs will get fuller! And as for your boyfriend, just to see how much he loves his Nude pics, while he's looking at the pics cut the Internet and See how he reacts:)
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (10 November 2012):
I am not sure if porn is really the issue or if its that your husband doesn't give you the attention and compliments you deserve. When we feel unhappy it usually doesn't help to over analyse the problem. Usually we end up digging the hole even deeper. From my experience pregnancy, childbirth, and rearing young children really mess up the relationship you used to have (and probably took for granted). Half the relationships unfortunately don't get over this and end with cheating and/or divorce. In my opinion the only way you are going to get your happiness back is to findtime to talk openly and honestly with your husband. No blaming, just together trying to work out how to get fun together. You will never have good sex until you are close and happy again. You blame the porn for your husbands lack of interest, he uses porn because he feels you aren't interested or are too tired. Yes, he could have a mental addiction but I think its unlikely. Every guy I know would choose a real live woman over porn any day. You need to find time to be properly together. Get a babysitter, go out for dinner, and plan how you can have a dirty weekend together. Oh, and one more thing, if youve got the babysitter, have sex in the car before you go home! Enjoy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've had a few comments along the lines of 'perhaps you don't really love your partner otherwise you'd trust him' and 'if you really loved him you wouldn't think about leaving him over this'
Interestingly, it took me probably 5 years to really fall in love with my partner and during that time I didn't give a toss about him watching porn.
I've had mental health problems my whole life, it wan't just a sudden thing.
Cerberus, if your partner doesn't mind you watching porn, why do you have to use an incognito window? Also asking my partner to give up porn isn't about control and domination. I gave him a choice, by all means go wank over the Internet babes, but I will not stick around whilst you do it. Relationships are about compromise, I was an alcoholic when he got with me and I gave up because he didn't like it. I was also very wild and did what I liked when I liked, much to everyone's concern. I changed my life, for him. Yet asking him for this one thing is too much?
I have a daughter who by the time she is a teenager will probably be surrounded by porn obsessed teenage boys who will likely think double anal penetration and gang banging is the norm, I can't tell you how disconcerting this is for me as a mother. Of course I don't want her father watching that shit, I want him to be someone she can respect and a role model for the kind of man she should look for when she is a young lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Your last follow up kind of changes things a lot OP. Mental illness especially the type you suffer is an extreme case.
But it also gives you point of focus as a cause for all you issues which means you can overcome it and will overcome it.
What kind of treatment options are you receiving? Perhaps there are more options you can explore OP. Therapy is very beneficial and even if you have a lot on your plate worth a new baby and everything this is probably important enough for you to be able to spend a couple of hours a week.
have you contacted support groups for this kind of thing, I assume you have been to your doctor about it too.
The fact that it has negatively affected your partner too complicates matters but should no way be a reason for you to feel it's your fault.
I suffered depression for years but nothing like how I see PND described, I never had hallucinations or anything like that.
Look, you have a reason for your issues everything else comes back to that. So try and remove the porn thing from your mind right now until you've gotten yourself back to a state of mental equilibrium. He too may find it beneficial to go to these groups with you.
OP don't stop exploring all the options, don't stop trying to find ways to beat this, you will. It's a temporary state of mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): "So would you say you are anti-feminist then?"
God no, it's too broad a spectrum to lump it all into one category. I use that generalize but I see the value in some branches of feminism, certain feminist ideals and trains of thought. I have sisters, a mother, a partner, they all deserve everything I have and on a personal level I will fight for that every step of the way with them.
I'm anti-control and domination.
True equality engages both genders and not just from one viewpoint, you don't want equality when you try to take away, that's domination and control. There are plenty of feminists that don't want us to feminize and like the fact that men can be strong but also fair when it comes to gender equality. They don't put us down as mindless automatons that are vulnerable to every sexually suggestive thing ever.
It's the feminazi brigade that want to remove all traces of female sexuality from the world because me are so weak and open to suggestion, that make no sense and annoy me. There was uproar recently about a Brazilian ad for breast cancer, it was targeted at men to remind their wives to check their breasts. As it targeted men you can imagine what it consisted of, cleavage shots of women doing every day things from the vantage point of a man taking a quick glimpse and were very much sexually suggestive. A very effective tool if you ask me, something that would definitely stick in a man's mind, get passed around and definitely would be something that has led men to talk to their partners about it (and no doubt with plenty of offers of giving the exam too hehe) until the bra burners were outraged that it objectified women and does damage to our feeble little male minds. So they're all over it now trying to get it banned.
It makes no sense person12345, these are the same women that say women should be allowed act and wear what they like but when it comes to that being done for any purpose it's wrong. If they ever think we can be brainwashed into not finding women sexually attractive, if they think women can have their boobs hanging out and we'll not find that appealing then they're wrong. Would women really want to live in a world where we'd fallen in line with all this and female sexuality was shunned as a dirty thing again? That we somehow don't objectify women and don't desire them? We can like boobs and also respect a woman, they're not mutually exclusive things.
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reader, person12345  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 So would you say you are anti-feminist then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): "actually feel like their actions are a form of cheating, as they are always apologetic afterword and promise never to do it again."
Of course there are.
"It would be interesting to hear from more of these guys."
What do you need to hear? it's quite self explanatory really. Porn is a very varied thing. There are lots of guys who use it that are raised and believe that it's morally wrong. So to them it's a dirty pleasure.
There are also plenty of guys who will be fine with it but not when it hurts their partner. That's not acceptable to them and that's their prerogative.
I come from a position though of non-religion, raised by a single mom and with 3 sisters so women are my life and family. To love and respect them as equal human beings is just natural to me, it's not even a thing. Porn was always just a movie like batman for the sole purpose of having a wank. If it wasn't porn it was just going to be a movie with a sex scene, which is quite literally every movie ever. I also in my 20 years of dating and girlfriends have never come across a girl who had an issue with it.
This site was literally first time I'd even known it could be an issue.
I just thought there were girls who didn't like it but accepted it as something guys do from time to time unless they were a religious zealot or man-hating feminist. Because even the girls I've dated that didn't like it only ever really said they didn't get the appeal but gave it no second thought.
That said I've never had a physical collection of magazines or dvds while in a relationship. When I've collected pictures in the past I had always hidden them in the deepest recesses of my computer where no one would look and would still take them hours to find, in a folder labelled something that looks like system folder too.
Nowadays when I browse for videos I use and incognito window, no history is saved or anything like that and I don't keep collections. My girlfriend and I share links to good videos we know each other will like when we find them and I'm always sending her erotic literature I find and emailing her erotic imagery. lately she's had a thing for classic stuff from the 20's, she's fascinated by the different body types, fashions and what was viewed as beauty and a sexual pose back then.
We have our own sex videos and pictures too, I use them when she's away for a week or two and she even made a dildo using a cast of my penis for use when she's away, although we prefer to use skype these days.
The videos we made are heavily encrypted too in case of theft of our computer or it being hacked. You literally would not be able to or be bothered to spend the years it would take to gain access.
I have to say I still think there are three types of women who don't like it. Insecure ones who just want to control their man's sexuality to appease their own low self-worth, the moral brigade who again just want to control a man's sexuality by only having their strict version of pre-approved sexuality be allowed and the bra burning feminist brigade who again want to control a man's sexuality in order to feminize the world and gain more power at our expense under the guise of equality.
I have yet to see any evidence that this isn't about control. And person12345 is very intelligent, we've had many debates and she's shown me many consistent, well thought out arguments with some well researched evidence about negative effects and stuff, it still all looks to me to be about domination and control, that to me is always the underlying reason. I understand the negative effects better now, but they have never applied to me, so to me it's about control.
You see the male apologists on yourbrainporn, to person12345 they are a balanced and fair investigation into effects it has on guys and an example of men with real issues with it fighting to resolve those issues. To me they're just a bunch of weak willed pansies that should never have let it become such an important aspect of their lives. if it's morally wrong to you, don't do it, if it's killed your libido don't do it, now they're bunch of whiny little over-emotional maggots trying their best to become more feminine and appease this notion that male sexuality is only good if it's done so in feminine terms and they use lots of one-sided research to apologise to the world for being a man with sexual urges. I just can't stand that kind of weakness, it's that kind of weakness why sites like this exist because people are too weak to do what's right for them and others, so they fuck others over or let themselves be fucked over then blame an inanimate object for their own failings in this case porn, it makes easier for them to shirk personal responsibility if they can find a reason why it's not their fault but everything is always your own fault.
I'm not right of course, there is no "right" in moral issues. Just an opinion but I prefer being an alpha, dominant and proud of my sexuality and I will not apologise for that because it doesn't have any negative bearing on mine or my partners life. I wouldn't work well with a woman who any way tried to control my sexuality so I won't try. My cock, my desires, I'll do with them what I will but I won't break any of the fair conditions we've already laid out at the start. But I certainly wouldn't appease insecurities by giving up porn. I shouldn't have to suffer because you can't accept yourself and if you can so easily question my love for you based on a few pictures then how can I trust your love for me isn't just a flight of fancy you can change at a whim based on the idea that somehow I don't love or fancy you anymore. I'm sorry but I can't live without the security that my partner is 100% sure of my attraction and love for her, I work very hard to display that in all the ways that I can through actions and words. I would also never allow any creeping doubts I had about myself be projected onto my partner, nor question her love for me. I couldn't justify making her feel she's not doing enough either.
Look when it comes down to it my girlfriend is chubby, has stretch-marks, has small boobs (may favourite size) a big butt, cellulite and is short. Apparently those are all reasons she should think she's ugly but she doesn't. And my god I couldn't imagine anyone being more beautiful than she is to me. Her boobs will sag, her butt will lose shape, her face will gain wrinkles and she may even gain more weight, nothing about that is ever going to change how I see her and the fact no other woman compares, it's a choice to be with her not a chore, I'm the luckiest guy you'll ever meet to have her and no physical change is going to change that.
OP as woman you'll probably never understand how we guys see you. You all seem to have this amazingly strict set of standards when it comes to that, that is nowhere near how we view you. Most of us don't like skinny, big boobs are a novelty, a noticeable thing like a guy with a big schlong we don't yearn for bigger boobs than our partners, we simply love what we have.
looks it's like this, if you're with a guy who doesn't make you feel loved, doesn't put in any effort, who doesn't make you feel great and sexually desirable then find another guy. If however he does do all these things but it's your own mind who is your enemy, fight that, find ways of improving your self-worth in ways other than appearance and fight to be happy with yourself again, he'll be more than happy to help you with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I suffered with pre and post natal depression and severe anxiety as well so not only has there been physical changes but I've been so mentally ill that that's taken it's toll on my partner as well. Now he has depression also and obviously intimacy has been the last thing on my mind, and my ability to bond with my family has been affected too. So he may have felt a bit unloved. However he was watching porn before all that so...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerebrus for replying again to my question.
The thing about my partner is he's not one of these guys who gives every excuse under the sun for why he should be allowed to watch porn. He actually believes it's disrespectful and hurtful to me, and he doesn't like the way it makes him feel when he does it.
I think some men that do it, actually feel like their actions are a form of cheating, as they are always apologetic afterword and promise never to do it again. Something in these men must make them feel they are doing something wrong. It would be interesting to hear from more of these guys.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (6 November 2012):
OP, stop beating yourself up. Guys use visual images a lot for stimulation but a photo has nothing to compare with a real live partner. I think most fathers of young children use some kind of self relief help to work off the sexual tension that builds up because his wifes attention has to be shared. Pity he didnt keep it to himself though. I know from my wife how pregnancy and childbirth can take its toll on your looks and energy levels but worst of all on your sexiness. It takes a massive effort on your part to get it back but you can. Talk with your husband so he understands how you feel, get him to mind the kids while you go to the gym, or swimming, or best both. Remember your husband loves YOU. Start to feel good about yourself again. And also small breasts, in my opinion are even sexier after childbirth!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Have you heard the saying "Too much of a good thing" porn can be ok in moderation. I am a woman and I like porn. I like erotic stories. I have a type I like and so does my husband. Mostly we watch together and I know what he likes is usually people who look like me and I like men with the same coloring as him. Im not looking for perfection and neither is he. I think if you spent time with him and watched you'd see that those women he watches aren't perfect either. He isn't the one calling you ugly. You are and you need to find out a way to make yourself happy with who you are if you want to fix the problem. I bet if the lady from the porno was there on bed he'd still just want you. Be happy your the one he's with and buy yourself something new to make you feel sexy. If you feel better about yourself this won't bother you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Sorry, didn't finish that point about food. Should we ban it too because people over eat or starve themselves? No, because food is not the problem. The problem is choices people are making. Porn is the same. Don't want to be degraded? Don't let someone piss on you or 40 guys take you from behind for money. Want a healthy sex life? Don't view porn as any kind of reality. It's having a bad effect on you? Stop using it. Don't like your partner using it? Ask him to stop or move on, or do what anti-porn people want a re-educate, remould and change him into a well behaved little boy. Don't want teens being affected by it? Engage them, talk to them, teach them what's the best way to do things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Oh there's lots OP.
Addiction is a big risk for one. I cannot deny that is huge problem for some people, I just can't relate or see how from a personal sense as it's never anything I could let have so much significance, no matter how vociferous I am in its defence.
Certain kinds of porn are also very wrong, besides things like child porn which is obviously wrong I can't see how the types of porn where people are getting degraded, mainly women and in mainstream porn is in any way beneficial to anyone in the long run. Most mass produced, commercial porn is horrendous crap acted out for no money by actors with obvious mental issues or drug problems.
I don't see how "Dirty, stupid slut fucked hard up the ass by 40 guys" is in any way hot, and I can see how that kind of degradation can be harmful to some people. People can be weak-willed fools and be easily led. Some people probably do let that have an effect on them on how they view women, which to me abhorrent. Whether I like to think so or not people are generally idiotic sheep, the amount of people willing to vote for Romney is proof of that.
Another is if you can't get off to anything other than women being abused that's a serious issue. If porn becomes something more than just a handy tool and becomes a need then that's not good.
There's also all kinds of sensitivity issues to do with over masturbation and usage. But again that's a result of addiction.
It can have a negative impact on a sex life too if a person chooses porn over sex with their partner. In my mind I cannot use it unless my partner is sexually satisfied, for me it's not a substitute it's just an added tool for a different kind of orgasm.
There is also a growing body of evidence of its very bad effects on teens, kids growing up with shitty parents and a school system too scared to actually sexually educate kids properly and lots of teens are getting all their sex lessons from porn and yes even doing very horrible things to each other because of that. Which really sucks to be honest. I'm a teacher and there's one girl recently who had to get removed from our school for sexting and the subsequent spread of her pictures around the school, the response from the school authorities and other parents was basically that it wasn't her responsibility that porn made her do it because here in Ireland teen porn usage is the in vogue topic. And it's not the parents fault, teens must be just the biggest idiots ever that can't learn or think for themselves and it's always some outside force that the government has to do the job of parenting for.
When I suggested we educate these kids on the effects of such actions, teach them proper sexual behaviour I was basically told "we'd love to but the school board and parents won't allow us to teach it as it may offend religious sensibilities" Everyone believes if you ban porn this will no longer happen.
So in that sense porn kind of is bad because it's just another excuse as to why we shouldn't engage our teens and treat them like the adults we want them to be, instead we just blame porn because it's easier and by god the religious people and feminists love that explanation too.
Sexting, demanding sexual pictures from girls who then feel pressured to do so, having really shitty sex beyond the normal teenage inexperience because they think you have to pull hair and pound the crap out "the slut" are all issues related to porn there's no question but you will never stop teens looking at it, even before the internet I found plenty of it.
Insecurity of partners is also a very big and real issue. Not only women who think they can't compare but guys who will never have a penis that big or ever hear a woman moan that loudly during sex. But the same can be said for the musicians our women gush over, how can I compete with the virility, the power, the money, the charm, the sex appeal and ever the hair of someone like Justin Timberlake, I can't but I'm never compared to him or to anyone else by my partner so I'm okay with that. Besides I know that if you put me side by side with him, a rather buff, bald badass and a girly boy pop star a lot of women would choose me as a matter of taste.
The list goes on and on OP I could write a book about it but person12345's links on her profile would be a much better source if you're really that interested.
To me though it's a tool, a useful too for a quick release. Whip it out, press play, 1-2 minutes done, get on with my day and give it no second thought. I only use it about once a month though I quite literally just don't have time nor need lately. But I don't think it's fair I should be denied something that has no negative bearing on my life just because a few idiots can't control themselves. But sure we may aswell ban everything because people will always find ways of doing themselves harm, I mean come on something as simple as food, something we all need and eat, there are so many people doing that so wrong that it's literally killing them. How does that make any sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus,You say you can see plenty of things wrong with porn usage...Care to elaborate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): "The site is written by a man to help other men. How does that focus on "the evils of men?""
Men can be self-hating too. I know plenty of feminist guys for example who detest any kind of masculine traits. I know plenty of guys who are almost apologetic for displaying any kind of alpha traits. Being a man doesn't make him right just as it doesn't make me right, I just will never accept the word or evidence of a person who takes one single position and only displays evidence to support that position. I can see plenty of things wrong with porn usage but also can realize it doesn't mean that is the case for everyone and that site really is one sided and is filled with weak willed overly-sensitive guys with almost no masculine traits, apologetic and trying their best to become more feminine. Not for me thanks.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 November 2012):
Women become addicted the exact same way men do. We are not wired differently and we are not turned on in different ways. The idea that men are more visual is not supported by much of anything. Every study I've seen shows that when you men and women porn (that isn't violent or aggressive) men and women become aroused in the same percentages.
He makes some quick references to this with little (and women too) type statements, but the site was written by a man for other men mostly since more men view porn than women. And while it's not easier for men to become addicted brain-wise there is a A LOT more porn made for men.
The site is written by a man to help other men. How does that focus on "the evils of men?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): No offence to anyone who believes that 'your brain porn' crap but it's ridiculous nonsense that only focuses on the "evils" of men and how stupid we are.
OP addiction for anything is the same for men and women, it's simply a matter of stimulation. You can be addicted to anything that makes you feel good; chocolate, drugs, alcohol, coffee, working out, anything that stimulates you mentally or physiologically.
Women becoming addicted to porn is a simple matter of stimulation. It is a scientific fact that men respond more to visual stimulation but that doesn't mean women don't too or that women can't be stimulated to the same degree. Besides porn is sounds too if you're watching videos.
My girlfriend uses porn to get off, she finds is much quicker to do so when watching it but she also loves erotica. She can browse for hours at artsy black and white photos of men and women in sexual poses or just naked and wet, you know the type. She finds that imagery very beautiful.
Does it bother me that she looks at other men, fantasizes about other men sexually and imagines other possibilities? No, her mind is hers to freely explore and I love her beyond imagining and her body is in no way "perfect" in the societal aesthetic sense, she has stretch marks, extra weight, small boobs, big hips and butt, and even cellulite but I know no other woman that compares to her in terms of beauty or how sexy I think she is, so I know for a fact she can see that in me too even if I'm not as "perfect" as others may be perceived to be. It doesn't bother me that she likes to look at men with big thick heads of hair and I'm bald. It didn't bother me that she liked to gush over men with amazing physiques when I was fat as hell. I never really disliked anything about myself in any kind of way that ever upset me. I got ripped and toned mainly as physical achievement thing, to just improve my body as a vessel that carries me around and to make it awesome. The looking great part was an added bonus.
It's not just luck that I found a woman who doesn't buy into what's supposed to be beautiful, big firm tits, skinny, tall, tanned, big lips, she detests the idea that so many women think that there is only one way to be beautiful and they will go to insane lengths and do so much mental damage to themselves to achieve that. She may not look in the mirror and gush over how amazing she looks, she may have her insecure days too but she never doubts how I view her because in general loves the person she is and is happy with the body she has. Plus, like me she's able to step outside her own mind and see that if she can find the "no-so-perfect" me gorgeous then why can I not find her the same?
We're not settling for each, we cherish each other, I'm thankful every day I have her and I still have that giddy, excitement about being with her that I had 7 years ago when we first got together.
OP bodies change, boobs will sag, hair will fall out, wrinkles will appear. I'll never understand where people got this idea that ageing makes people ugly. I've never found that to be truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey person12345'
Thanks for the link, i have a question about it. It explains why men can become addicted to porn, what with their brains subconsciously thinking they are spreading their genes etc...
But why can women become addicted?
I must also say that to say men are more visual is rubbish. I am very visual, as I'm sure most other women are too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Hello. First and foremost, congratulations on becoming a mother (if this is recent), and I truly feel for you. Here's the thing, guys (who look at porn) look at porn because it gives them a rush. They enjoy seeing pretty women in sexy poses. Now, I'm not going to do the whole, it's normal, and it's not something to dislike about him spiel. Instead, I agree with you.
I have a fiance, and I have (in the past) looked at pornography once in a blue moon (once or twice a month), but when we talked about it, all of these emotions poured out of her. She felt like it was cheating, or that I didn't find her attractive anymore, and that she was no longer enough for me. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I even originally came to this site, because of that very topic. When I did, I found out that nearly all of the women who commented on it here felt the exact same way (or close to it) as my fiance felt.
I felt low at that point. My original thinking was that she wouldn't like me looking at porn (why would she), but that it's not a big deal. I regarded it like a parent not wanting you to eat a cookie before dinner as a kid. Sure, they wouldn't want you to, and may even get mad, but "I" (the child) knew better and "I" wasn't doing anything wrong, just something they didn't agree with.
But I was wrong. Reading some of the responses the women (some young girls in high school) really touched me and broke my heart to read honestly. I thought back to the things my fiance had told me, and the nights she'd wake up crying, dreaming about me leaving her for other women. I used to think SHE was just overreacting, but seeing how so many other women felt the exact same way, I began to feel terrible about myself. And I realized something much more important. It's not about whether or not "I" understand or agree with her viewpoint, it's about how my actions (no matter my intentions) made her feel. I love my fiance more than anyone or anything (especially pixels on a screen; video or not), and when she returned home from work that night, I told her about this site, and showed her what some of the women here had said. She said that was exactly how she felt and still feels (the pain doesn't just go away), and I apologized for ever putting her through that. I have since completely given up looking at pornographic material of any kind, and she loves and respects me more for it.
That's my experience, but I would like to help you regain some of your self-esteem and confidence. Your partner does not look at these images because he doesn't love you or because he wants to be with them, and it certainly isn't because he's settled for you. Men (usually as boys) stumble upon porn and it awakens a certain place in them. They have the urge to see pretty women of various types/sizes/ethnic backgrounds (whether video or pictures), and in this day and age, it is possible at the click of a button. It's hard to resist. But he loves you, dear. He thinks of you when you make love (just as I always have and always will think of my fiance). My suggestion, however, is for you to tell him how his viewing women like that affects you. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel, but without yelling at him (that will lead nowhere). Just explain your feelings. After that, you may want to show him the same question I came across, and ask him to read it, and let him know beforehand that that's the same way you feel.
I honestly understand now how you and millions of other women out there feel, and I for one have removed this issue from our home altogether. If he loves you, then he can do the same.
And as a finally word of advice, you are beautiful. Small breasts are perfectly fine. Large ones are like a novelty, and once it wears off, it wears on you. If he can grab you and be happy, you're fine. I suggest you talk about intimacy with him, and try to make love more passionately (not wild, just with more of that "I remember why I fell in love with you and now I want to show you I love you" passion). Lack of intimacy and being able to see you show off your sexy figure (which I assure you he still thinks your sexy), is often what leads men to look at other women nude, and lack of sex can lead to looking at porn videos. It's a team effort. Talk to him, let him know what you want and find out what he wants, then make sure you BOTH do your part to please the other. Communication and following through on those communications is key. I'm glad I figured that out, because my fiance and I are much happier.
Here is the link to the other question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-lied-about-watching-porn-now-i.html
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (5 November 2012):
 It is disrespectful that he does that in front of you. I would be upset as well. We all know that those photos are photo shopped, fake boobs, fake tans, fake eyelashes, and the list goes on and on... Your partner loves you. That's why he is with you. He doesn't know any of those women. Guys like to look ( with no feeling behind any of it) Just like we do! Pay close attn. to when you are watching a movie or tv. I do that now and it's funny! I will see Johnny Depp or cutie Ryan Gosling and think wow, he is so hot! Now, I don't want my boyfriend to look like him or act like him or anything else in that matter. Just makes me smile and life continues after that lol ;) You have to try to stop feeling that way! It will destroy you! Our bfs and husbands love us because we are the way we are. We are a complete package to them. Beautiful, smart, sexy, funny and we put up with their b.s. ;) Sit down with him and let him know how you feel. If he loves you? He will stop making you feel sad.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 November 2012):
This is unfortunately a very common problem nowadays. I have a ton of links on my profile that I think you will find helpful, check them out, especially:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 It's silly to read too much into guys watching porn, or having a crush on celebrities or whatever. I you tell him that you think Johnny Depp is hot does that mean he should immediately run off and kill himself because it means you're only with him because you can't get Johnny Depp?
And also, you shouldn't base your body image or sense of self worth on what other people might think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): "Of course he's too nice to say he thinks I'm ugly now."
Actually no, he just doesn't agree with you and doesn't find you ugly, simple as that.
"It's soul destroying and hard to get intimate as I feel he's settling for me because he can't have those women in the pictures he looks at."
Really? Who's your favourite boyband or musician OP or your favourite celebrity crush? Are you only settling for your boyfriend because you don't have them? Are you really going to tell us you find no other man in the world attractive only your boyfriend? That he has the greatest body of any man you've ever seen? That his face is the most perfect you've ever seen and he's the richest most successful and powerful man you've ever known? No OP, because he's not. You'll gladly see a picture of Ronaldo or some other toned god topless on a beach in a magazine and for a brief moment think "check that out, that looks nice."
Or are you really just never going to ever look at another man again ever? Close your eyes when once walks past, never, ever find any other guy attractive?
Well why do you somehow think what your boyfriend does means anything more than any of that?
You know sometime when it comes to ladies like you I really do think it's you that is not satisfied with your boyfriend because if you were then how can you not understand that he chooses to be with you because he wants to and thinks you're beautiful? Why can't we ever look at another woman ever again? Or do they have to be uglier than you?
OP it's nothing to do with you, nothing to do with your level of attraction no guy could possibly hate your body as much as you do and we never compare any other woman in the world to the ones we love.
So what if we find other women attractive too? Are we only allowed listen to one song for the rest of our lives? Only view one sunset? Only have one painting on our wall? OP life is filled with beauty if you can't accept as his partner that you top all other women in those terms that's your issue not his.
But I would tell him how you feel, ask him to be more discreet about things and tell him what effect it has had on your confidence, let him explain everything I just said to you.
"f you wanna get horny why not just watch porn, that I can understand."
It's not always about getting horny OP, we can appreciate the beauty of the female form and not be aroused you know, naked women does not always equal sex. I can marvel at a naked man with perfectly sculptured physique as much as I can a woman's or marvel at the sleek lines on a new car. Most men can. We're very visual creatures.
Just because we like looking at cars doesn't mean we don't love our own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): It doesn't mean he no longer finds you attractive, porn girls and your relationship are two completely different things and not connected. He's with you because he loves you, he looks at those girls and its just fantasy, he knows he won't ever be with one of them girls and I doubt he really wants to be. In a way, its just like you finding a pop star or a footballer or other celebrity attractive, it doesn't mean to offend, its just fantasy and you don't take it too seriously because you know you will never be with them.
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male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Do you not look at near perfect male bodies when you spot one? I think you are feeling low and your thoughts about him looking may be exaggerated. I bet anything he still thinks youre hot. Men do look without even knowing it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Mostly everybody on here is going to tell you that guys are going to look at porn and its not reflection on you and its ok that it all fantasy. I'm sorry but I do feel it makes women insecure. The reality is is that many women don't like the fact that husbands or boyfriends are looking at someone else's pu**y and getting off on it! Whether its a site or not I know I can't stand it!
I'm not going to portray that I'm some type of prima Donna and I haven't looked at porn. I was SINGLE no boyfriend no husband. When I did I ceased and desisted immediately! To me its totally disrespectful! Its like him leaving the toilet seat up! Its all about respect
Please don't allow porn to ruin our healthy view on body image. If we all looked alike how boring would the world be! Best of luck to you!
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