A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a better relationship than many. Except for one thing... Right now we finally have a place of our own. But we were in a long distance relationship for about 1.5 years in the middle of that. During this time i found out that he watched porn. I know its not a big deal with a lot of guys. And I get that, but we're different. We were each other firsts for everything and are, relative to many, prudes. I found it on his computer, and confronted him. He denied ever seeing it or knowing it was there.I believed him, because he had never lied to me before. He asked all his friends if they had seen anyone on his computer and had the hard drive erased the next day. I asked him many times in the following months, and always received the same answer. He got upset when i mentioned it, because i didn't trust him. About 6 months later, It was bothering me again, and i got it out of him. It was his, and he'd been lieing for all that time! That hurt me more than him having to look at another woman. Now i find myself always questioning him, and feeling awful whenever he compliments me. Thinking he can't possibly think I'm beautiful if he had to watch them... I'm scared that i won't ever trust him again, he feels so awful, but doesn't know how to make it better. I don't know how to start making this better either, any help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I can certainly relate to you issue. I just dissolved a very close long-tern relationship as a result of the same problem.
When I first met my boyfriend, porn came up in a casual conversation and he stated to me that he did not like it. At that moment, I informed him that I was relieved, because I feel that a porn habit had any place in a serious close-distance relationship.
However, after several months of living together, pronography became a major issue in our relationship. Often times, I would return from work, and I would find pron downloading on my computer. My boyfriend would always lie about it, saying that he was just downloading music videos. I believed him for awhile, but then began Googling the titles, and was constantly directed to porn videos. In addition, I would catch him in the living room in the middle of the night masturbating to porn being displayed on a 6 foot projection screen.
This cycle repeated itself over and over again, despite his offers of promises never do so again. It repeated itself despite his knowledge of the pain that he was cousing.
I have heard many men justify the propriety of porn by saying that they don't get enough sex from their girlfriends. In my case, that couldn't be further from the truth. I was constanly trying to seduce my boyfriend and offer new ideas to bring into the bedroom. It was he who was denying the sex. This reality made the whole situation even more difficult to live with. I began to doubt myself, my sexual abilities and prowess, and my level of attractiveness.
The last time that I caught my boyfriend in the act, he used the fact that he was bored with our sex life as the excuse for his lies and betrayal. This was the last of a laundry list of excuses that he used to justify his own behavior, and often, place some of the blame on me....that his sex drive was very high, that he wanted more oral sex, that he was bored...On every occasion, I tried to bottle the pain, forgive him for his lies, and change my behaviors to better please him, but, no matter what I did, he just kept on with the lies. No matter how well I treated him, or how sexually receptive or suggestive I was, our sexual encounters became less frequent, while the frequency of his porn sessions continued to increase.
The last time that I caught him was the last straw for me. Because of his lies relating to this situation, I no longer felt that I could trust him. Every time that I would catch him in the act, I would have a full-fledged panic attack. This was something that was completely new to me then, and has not happened again since we split up. It got to the point where I just could not keep putting myself through the same thing over and again. It began to feel as if he was actually cheating on me and would rather look at other women's naked bodies than mine.
As a result of what happened, my self-esteem has been compromised. I used to be a relatively confident girl, however, now I am not so sure of myself. I fear entering another serious relationship due to the concerns that he imposed upon me regarding my sexual peformance.
Objectively, I am a young, fit, and attractive woman. However, right now, it is hard to see that person when I look in the mirror. My own self-image has been distorted to the point of dysmorphia. I do not want any guy to see me naked and I certainly do not want to place my self in a situation that may amount to the same outcome. I used to love myself and my body, but now, I am not so pleased. I fear that what I have gone through may have changed me for life. I never want to be in the place I was ever again. I still have images flashing in my head from porn videos that I caught him watching in the middle of the night, months ago.
After what I have gone through, and the testimonies of many others on this site, I really do not think that the questioner's situation has much hope, unless of course, the male partner is willing to go through some couple's therapy to work on the issue. I once suggested that in my case, but my boyfriend refused. I once suggested that I would go to individual therapy so that I could better deal with what was going on, and he insulted both me and the therapeutic profession. I should have known then that for him, pron was more important than saving a relationship with a woman who loved him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): The whole thing about using porn to justify a need to sleep with different women is total garbage. Men like to use that excuse to control women and make them feel bad for having a problem with their behaviors. The whole idea of men having to spread their seed has no biological or medical basis. In most cases, men that are compelled to porn despite sexual opportunities are compelled to the whole component of instant gratification. It is something in which they can indulge without having to do any work. They do not have to invest effort into pleasing another person, just themselves.Porn is fine in some situations, but it is not appropriate for all. If it is used as a substitute for real sex in a relationship, then it is a problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt you so much that I can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 and 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. To be able to believe there are men who truly 'love' a real woman they can share a moment with, is more than hopeful for us who feel used and unwanted because it eases our pain. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that 'the poor man' has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities. Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. He is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He had been married three times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me)with the reason that the women "left him"(like he was a saint). His wives (who I met much later) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and near their children; stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn and their marriage fell aprt because of all this. I found these papers and other porn in the attic 2 yrs after I married him; that is why I met wives. Shetold me she wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv.Detention for a year, was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). He's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc. 30 yrs old and a lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), raised to law-abiding professional children as a single mom and they were out of college when I remarried, I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real), never refused sex or had hangups; never nagged/belittled/embarrassed him; saved lots of money for all his toys; and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my "beautiful body", the man said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not. I truly believe two wrongs don't make a right and that there has to be at least one sane one in this family...it might as well be me.
The reason I tell you all this is that, I thought if I was "PERFECT" I could keep him from wanting other women. That if I went along and forgave him, he'd see I WAS the only woman he'd ever need. I believe him when he says he hasn't been to bed with women. It's not sex with women that he is looking for. It's the ability to view all women (naked or otherwise). It's a high for him like drugs to an addict. I know he's an addict now. Every morning he needs his 'high' when he leaves our bed and lies in the guest room for a few minutes before he gets ready for work. I catch him sometimes masterbating. then he spends whatever moment he has caught up looking for another to watch. He likes being sexually excited all day. After he lied for years and gave a thousand rediculous stories, when he finally confessed, he said he loved looking at beaautiful women (apparentally naked). He's so caught up in this trap that he still llies when he doesn't have to, about all kinds of normal things. He's use to lying now. He stalks them in stores, stares at them in restaurants, views magazines, tv, internet, wherever they may be. He goes out of his way and uses every tactic, no matter how flimsy, to be near them, watch them as they eat, move, breathe. He does it quietly and precisely. He uses me sometimes to do this; suggesting we eat at certain known female hangouts, movies, etc where young girls are. No matter what I have done to 'be his' exclusively, even marriage, which he insisted, it never stopped him and never will; no matter who he married.
We haven't had any sex or intimacy for 10 yrs. When he got Diabetes (his father and mom had it), it gave him an excuse to never have sex again. His father couldn't when he had diabetes, which he died of. All of a sudden my husband got four doctors to believe him when I complained about no sex from him and he could 'get it up' when he wanted to, so he explained 'it was a pee hard', stuff like that. I knew he was lying, esp when I started finding porn on the 'net'all the time and then I'd catch him red handed and he'd still lie, with his pants down and the porn in sight. The Drs gave him Viagra, Levitra, and finally Cialis. He has drawers full of the stuff(since 2000) and he has excuses for them. They 'don't work', 'they cause headaches', 'require too much work' (to take a pill??). The truth of the matter is that he prefers HIMSELF and his imagination. I went to marriage counselors ( two Christian and three secular). I tried explaining about the stalkings, hiding behind bushes with binoculars (see it gets worse and more involved as the years go on), losing a 20 yr job for being caught spying on a customer, etc but each time this 'sweet, gentle, perfect' man told them it wasn't like that, I misunderstood the situation, etc and they ALL dismissed it as normal, except for a former family doctor of mine who questions why I was always sick. He asked what was really bothering me (I've had numerous operations and now have severe high blood pressure). When I told him, he asked if I considered divorsing him and I said I was too old to be alone and lose all I've worked so hard for. I had been divorsed before and it was horrible. But this is horrible, too. Dr asked what was I going to do when it gets worse, maybe when he rapes someone or treats me like a "nothing' ((like now, years later). I didn't have an answer then or now.
I know this is a long answer, but I want you to understand, as best as I can, what really happens when you agree to something that 'bothers' you alot. There is a reason you are uncomfortable with this. All I can say, is, THIS: No one can tell you or me what to do. We each need to live out this until we've had enough. I couldn't come up with solutions for me in 15 yrs and I can't come up with one for you, BUT I've thought of fighting fire with fire (letting him see me oogle men, download and copy male strippers, etc). Didn't work. He was neither interested, nor did it do a thing for me, except waste my time. I felt stupid. I'm not interested in porn and I don't think the majority of these ladies that tell you to watch it with him, are into it either. They can cry a tall tale all they want but not one has truly convinced me they rather watch that crap with their man than enjoy a loving 'one on one' solely with their guy.
I tried blocking the 'net'. Come on, only a fool believes the guy won't unblock it. I tried hiding my mags, turning tv channels, elimanating girlfriends, etc. I refuesed for months not to go out to eat, movies, etc. Only thing it did was cause me to be lonely. He was out evey day looking at them. These men will FIND mags,tvs,computers and what they are looking for, with or without you.
What I have done, is try to take care of me better. I volunteer at a police dept and enjoy the light laughter and friendship. I enroll in several clubs (female ones). As much as I want and need sex, I purposely stay away from areas that may make me vulnerable and dream that someday I will have a legal way to enjoy the love and sex of a man again. I've decided divorse is NOT for me; I have done nothing wrong and I won't let him lower my standards of what I believe I am. I have convinced myself that I am solely my own caretaker and I see to it that I provide my bank account with a reasonable small amount of 'wife-duty' pay. I refuse to believe I am ugly, too old, of no use and I truly believe there will be a day when I look back and am thankful I hung on for a while longer. It still is tough for me. Yesterday I called my sister (the only one I truly trust now) and cried for an hour because I found again the porn movies he's now watching on the net. He forgot to delete the cookies. I just needed to hear I wasn't ugly and a 'has been'.This is highly disrespectful to me. He doesn't know I just found these. If he did, he'd shut down and go to another source. Like he says, "You're not my mother". Obviously this has changed him over the years, and I'm not his 'one and only', either.
I hope you don't have to live this 15 yrs or more . You are young and have a lifetime of hope. Even then you can't be sure. I had questioned him alot (as he did me) before we got married. I thought I knew him and we had an open, honest relationship. I made a mistake. I was wrong. I can never trust him again (he has repented more than anyone I know). He's so sorry, that one day I told him, he was the 'sorriest person I knew", and I meant it.
Good luck, dear. It's a long, life journey. Please treat yourself, always, to the best YOU can give yourself. Don't rely on anyone to do it for you. That's how we get hurt.
I'd be interested in feedback from others, esp. wise gentlemen, as to the course I've taken to live through this, and I'd like to know if there are more than two men who believe that porn is wrong and why. Is there more I can do? thanks to all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt you so much that I can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 and 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. To be able to believe there are men who truly 'love' a real woman they can share a moment with, is more than hopeful for us who feel used and unwanted because it eases our pain. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that 'the poor man' has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities. Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. He is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He had been married three times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me)with the reason that the women "left him"(like he was a saint). His wives (who I met much later) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and near their children; stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn and their marriage fell aprt because of all this. I found these papers and other porn in the attic 2 yrs after I married him; that is why I met wives. Shetold me she wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv.Detention for a year, was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). He's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc. 30 yrs old and a lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), raised to law-abiding professional children as a single mom and they were out of college when I remarried, I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real), never refused sex or had hangups; never nagged/belittled/embarrassed him; saved lots of money for all his toys; and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my "beautiful body", the man said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not. I truly believe two wrongs don't make a right and that there has to be at least one sane one in this family...it might as well be me.
The reason I tell you all this is that, I thought if I was "PERFECT" I could keep him from wanting other women. That if I went along and forgave him, he'd see I WAS the only woman he'd ever need. I believe him when he says he hasn't been to bed with women. It's not sex with women that he is looking for. It's the ability to view all women (naked or otherwise). It's a high for him like drugs to an addict. I know he's an addict now. Every morning he needs his 'high' when he leaves our bed and lies in the guest room for a few minutes before he gets ready for work. I catch him sometimes masterbating. then he spends whatever moment he has caught up looking for another to watch. He likes being sexually excited all day. After he lied for years and gave a thousand rediculous stories, when he finally confessed, he said he loved looking at beaautiful women (apparentally naked). He's so caught up in this trap that he still llies when he doesn't have to, about all kinds of normal things. He's use to lying now. He stalks them in stores, stares at them in restaurants, views magazines, tv, internet, wherever they may be. He goes out of his way and uses every tactic, no matter how flimsy, to be near them, watch them as they eat, move, breathe. He does it quietly and precisely. He uses me sometimes to do this; suggesting we eat at certain known female hangouts, movies, etc where young girls are. No matter what I have done to 'be his' exclusively, even marriage, which he insisted, it never stopped him and never will; no matter who he married.
We haven't had any sex or intimacy for 10 yrs. When he got Diabetes (his father and mom had it), it gave him an excuse to never have sex again. His father couldn't when he had diabetes, which he died of. All of a sudden my husband got four doctors to believe him when I complained about no sex from him and he could 'get it up' when he wanted to, so he explained 'it was a pee hard', stuff like that. I knew he was lying, esp when I started finding porn on the 'net'all the time and then I'd catch him red handed and he'd still lie, with his pants down and the porn in sight. The Drs gave him Viagra, Levitra, and finally Cialis. He has drawers full of the stuff(since 2000) and he has excuses for them. They 'don't work', 'they cause headaches', 'require too much work' (to take a pill??). The truth of the matter is that he prefers HIMSELF and his imagination. I went to marriage counselors ( two Christian and three secular). I tried explaining about the stalkings, hiding behind bushes with binoculars (see it gets worse and more involved as the years go on), losing a 20 yr job for being caught spying on a customer, etc but each time this 'sweet, gentle, perfect' man told them it wasn't like that, I misunderstood the situation, etc and they ALL dismissed it as normal, except for a former family doctor of mine who questions why I was always sick. He asked what was really bothering me (I've had numerous operations and now have severe high blood pressure). When I told him, he asked if I considered divorsing him and I said I was too old to be alone and lose all I've worked so hard for. I had been divorsed before and it was horrible. But this is horrible, too. Dr asked what was I going to do when it gets worse, maybe when he rapes someone or treats me like a "nothing' ((like now, years later). I didn't have an answer then or now.
All I can say, is, THIS: No one can tell you and I what to do. We each need to live out this until we've had enough. I couldn't come up with solutions for me in 15 yrs and I can't come up with one for you,BUT I've thought of fighting fire with fire (letting him see me oogle men, download and copy male strippers, etc). Didn't work. He was neither interested, nor did it do a thing for me, except waste my time. I felt stupid. I'm not interested in porn and I don't think the majority of these ladies that tell you to watch it with him, are into it either. They can cry a tall tale all they want but not one has truly convinced me they rather watch that crap with their man than an enjoy a loving one on one solely with their guy.
I tried blocking the 'net'. Come on, only a fool believes they won't unblock it. I tried hiding my mags, turning tv channels, elimanating girlfriends, etc. I refuesed for months not to go out to eat, movies, etc. Only thing it did was cause me to be lonely. He was out evey day looking at them. These men will FIND mags,tvs,computers and what they are looking for, with or without you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt so much that i can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 1nd 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that the poor man has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it.Or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have to find another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities.Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. he is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He has been married four times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me). His wives (who I met) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and their children,stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn (I found these papers in the attic 2 yrs after I married him (that is why I met wives; and porn I found) and the fact the marriage fell apart because of it. She wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv. jail for a year., was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). he's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc (30)lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real) and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my"beautiful body", he said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): well whoever wrote that last comment you gave a opinion and not advice to someone who evidenty gets hurt over porn and just cause you watch it that dont mean they want to watch it or their loved one. i myself have been hurt several times by this and you cant tell me porn is natural cause it is a sin and if it hurts this person it is not natural to them. they want more respect for their body than a nasty women with her legs open. if the man cant get pleasure by his women then why does this man degrade this women and watch others? its only common sense. men use and watch women like toys and some women know we are not and these pornos degrade us and give us the wrong name. my bf hide his porn and satyed after work and would look at it and claimed he wrked late and masturbated in his car. and lied to me for months until i found 10 or more magazines in his car hidden. and i wouldent let him touch me for a long time. and he swore up and down he wouldent do it again. and then 2 days later i found it in his car again . i found it a church this time. and then in his wallet. and then he started calling 1800 numbers and dont say i diddent satisfy him. i was young and in love! and still he kept doing it for 2 years. so who ever says its ok. you are very wrong to say it is to those who are hurt by it. that is your opinion and as we can see some people are ok with it and thats fine but not all want there men to watch naked women when he has one lying next to him every night.
KEEP UR EYES ON THE PRIZE!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): The fact that he lied to you is unjustifiable. That was wrong and unless you two work through it and understand why he lied and why he feels the need to watch porn. Unless you love him enough to help him get through his porn addiction, it will permanently hurt your relationship and it will probably dissolve. Trust is a huge pillar in a relationship and he basically torn that one down; healthy sex is an expression of love and an everything that you built together in your relationship, but if you don't have trust, what do you have?! The fact that you feel disgusted by his comments on your beauty etc. is a very important indication of your feelings. You don't trust him, and you won't unless you have a serious conversation about and if he loves you he will care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): well ladies do you even know what porn is
men think about sex 24/7 and porn is a way to deal with that.
men get sexually frustrated and the next best thing is porn.
if hes watching porn it means hes not getting any.
dont get so upset christ its only porn at least he he isnt abusing you.. doing drugs.. murdering people.. There is a lot worse a human can do then watch a fucking porn film
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): It isn't normal, it is degrading, causes breakdowns in relationships and ultimately the relationship will disolve. Men use the excuse that all guys do it, it's normal, I am not cheating blah blah blah - when you jack off watching and thinking about other women, you are cheating. What the mind percieves the mind believes. If you percieve that you are screwing another woman you are screwing other women and that is cheating. Use any excues you want - to justify your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): If you were a male you would understand. He isn't doing anything bad, he his just wants to masturbate, most men need to do this, it makes them relax.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Don't treat your man like he is a small kid and below the age of 18.
Hey! He is above 18 and an adult.
He should be able to decide if it is good or bad for him.
If you don't respect him , you get all the lies.
Next time , before you marry any man , write a pre nuptial agreement and specify no porn watching .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend of 3 years just blatently lied to me about porn on his phone, what bothered me the most is HOW sly he was and the long-story he came up with which he correlated to an anniversary present for a PHOTO ALBUM! I could carry on and on; but WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR and how many more things will he lie about?
I know what I stand for and it's not anything to do with the word CHEAP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): I'm in the same situation too. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years, and i have found porn on the computer in the past, and he says he wouldnt do it anymore..then lately, we've moved in together, and i found porn again, typed into the search box..first of all, i feel pretty crappy since he lied to me about it..i wouldn't feel so bad if he would have just told the truth, u know? how do i continue to trust him if he's dishonest?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Put a parental control on your computer, only YOU know the password and then you know hes not watching it!Im goign thru the same thing with my husband, I thought he was diffrent from most guys thats why i married him, now come to find out hes not, im crushed. good luck :)
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A
female
reader, inglestone  +, writes (10 March 2008):
i was with my boyfreinbd when i looked trough his computer and found 4 dowloads of porn. a couple of months after we started seing eachother we promissed we wouldnt watch it other wise we would be over and we made that deal and stuck to it well i did he didnt and i felt ugly used and there for the hell of it i dont no what to do and how to trust him again and i carnt stop thinking about it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Hiya, my boyfriend is the same, actually he has lied to me about 8 times about it. I thought he was the one for me, in the end I spent my days constantly concerned about his lying. He promised his heart out he would never lie again, and about a month goes by and he does it again!
They dont change. Some guys are just 'that sorta guy' some arnt. Never before had I been in a sneaky and dishonest relationship and I was completely gutted when it happened with the one I loved the most.
I dumped him and now Ive gotta get over it. I do feel better though, I feel good that I have control that it wont happen again and i dont have to think about it everyday. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I have the same thoughts about my boyfriend of 5 years now. He said, He does not watch porn but I have woke up to him playing with him self while looking to porn on our computer. An I feel that I'm doing something wrong or maybe he's not happy with me any more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): dont worry my boyfriend always watch porn how many times i explain him im not happy about that but he will never stop so just start watch porn as well and u dont have to do feel bad.worst is if he really cheats so u should be happy!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): For all those men and women who agree that watching porn is normal and should be accepted....you couldn't be more wrong. Its a cheap thrill that is very unnecessary if you are as into your mate as much as you say you are. I do feel it is ok in moderation if you are single or if both people in the relationship have no issues with it. But if one of the two have a problem with pornography...guess what...ITS A DAMN PROBLEM! Its not a necessity and if one can't go without then it very well may be an addiction! There are counseling sessions for that. If you know that what you are doing is hurting your loved one and making them feel inadequate or less pretty, why in the hell would you continue to do it?! And for those who say its better than going out and the streets and getting the real thing...you may not be ready for a committed relationship anyway. Don't tolerate anyone who isn't going to respect you and that will knowingly satisfy hormonal cravings before considering your feelings. This advice was free of charge!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I am in the exact same situation at the moment. Lies and hurt feelings all over the place. Ive been thinking for about a week or so about this constantly and have come to a final decision
to just let it go. its totally wrong to lie to someone, but perhaps girlfriends just make it so hard to be honest. no excuse, i know, but i know i sure as hell have lied to get myself out of a situation.
ive decided not to let myself get down about the way i look because of this, because its nothing to do with me. its just a guy, being a guy.
dont worry about the porn. you'll obviously have to come to some kind of agreement about it, and let him know its wrong to lie to you, but down beat yourself up about the trust. trust can be earned back. its just a matter of whether you can handle working through this situation, and im sure you can as youve been together thru a long distance relationship.
good luck x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): having porn is completely normal!!even for those who consider themselves 'prudes' - men looking at porn is a natural thing and can even be enjoyed by girls too. the reason why he lied about it is probably because he was embarrassed and knew you would react the way you did!!poor thing, for doing something completely natural, he is made feel ashamed for it. it doesnt mean that you are less attractive to him, its just a thing men do. my boyf watches it, and i must say it does keep the sex life exciting!!he may have lied to you, but im sure he had his reasons.
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female
reader, alwaysndforever +, writes (17 January 2008):
guys looking at porn doesnt matter at all..ther horny and odds are when there masturbating there thinking about you anyway. its natural to have to get cum out of your body. all people are horny its in your hormones..100% normal you really shouldnt think of it as a bad thing. he knows its normal and not bad so he lied about it cuz he didnt wnna upset you most likely knowing that you wouldnt understand. seriously he still loves you. porn is soo normal and its really not a bad thing at all..let him know that u dont care about porn cuz its natural and u guys will be sooo open with each other..seriously its not a big deal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I definately agree with the person who commented on this before me. Porn is a regular thing for us guys and while i can understand how it makes some women feen unapreciated or inadequate, It's definately preferable than going out and finding the real thing (and quicker too!) I wouldn't put that much thought into it, if it becomes a problem where he's watching it constantly, then discuss it. Otherwise, let him have his fun and see if you can get into and maybe have some fun with him.
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female
reader, soldierred +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Well I have a question for you Why do you think it is that bad? My husband and I are separated right now and have been for almost 15 months with three brief visits, I know he looks at porn. He still finds me sexy so that is all that matters. And they lieing part he was trying to get out of it. We all tell white lies here and there. Just ask him does he still find you attractive and so on, if he replies with a hell ya then you have worries, and maybe watch with him a time or to hey it might be fun
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female
reader, Sex Kitten  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Perhaps your boyfriend shouldn't have lied about the porn not being his on his computer in the first place, but maybe he was just trying to protect your feelings as he didn't want to upset you, then I guess after the first lie he had to keep denying it. Anyway, guys watching porn is quite a normal thing, so don't see your boyfriend in a bad light. I'm 25 and my boyfriend and I have been together six years now and we watch porn together sometimes, I find it a real turn on - I suggest that maybe you try watching some porn with your fella aswell, then maybe you won't think of it as being so 'bad'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I definitely know how you feel. My boyfriend likes to look at porn a good bit and sometimes it makes me feel terrible about myself. You have to remember, though, that it IS normal. The thing I have come to realize about guys is that they find all types of women beautiful. Just because he is looking at pornstars and getting excited doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive, trust me. Porn really isn't that bad, and if it is something that he is into maybe the two of you could try to watch some together sometime. You might be surprised at how much you may enjoy it. And remember, it's a lot better for him to be looking at porn as a way to get his excitement rather than going out and finding other women in real life.
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