A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a better relationship than many. Except for one thing... Right now we finally have a place of our own. But we were in a long distance relationship for about 1.5 years in the middle of that. During this time i found out that he watched porn. I know its not a big deal with a lot of guys. And I get that, but we're different. We were each other firsts for everything and are, relative to many, prudes. I found it on his computer, and confronted him. He denied ever seeing it or knowing it was there.I believed him, because he had never lied to me before. He asked all his friends if they had seen anyone on his computer and had the hard drive erased the next day. I asked him many times in the following months, and always received the same answer. He got upset when i mentioned it, because i didn't trust him. About 6 months later, It was bothering me again, and i got it out of him. It was his, and he'd been lieing for all that time! That hurt me more than him having to look at another woman. Now i find myself always questioning him, and feeling awful whenever he compliments me. Thinking he can't possibly think I'm beautiful if he had to watch them... I'm scared that i won't ever trust him again, he feels so awful, but doesn't know how to make it better. I don't know how to start making this better either, any help?
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male
reader, Unknown92  +, writes (6 January 2016):
As a 23 yr old guy only in a 7 month relationship which for me is pretty serious. Say what you will about what i am about to say.You girls need to stop being so sensitive. Yes if youve been married for x amount of time your husband is jackin it off while watching porn then yes he isnt doing something right and something needs to be solved.Being honerst i masturbate once a day sometimes maybe twice (time permitted) do i look at porn? Yes. Not videos but pictures. But it doesnt change the way i feel about my girlfriend. In fact improves me sex drive with her as my imagination from said pictures gives me ideas to try in bed (with gf clearly).He says he doesnt masturbate or watch porn? Maybe he is a shy person? You girls hold guys on a high pedastall as if we are going to magically be perfect in every way. We wont ever be perfect as no one is perfect (except for nathan fillion god damn he is so ruggedly handsome)Guys arent all high and mighty as you paint us. We arent gods (even though we like to think we are). We do things that you consider as rude, disgusting or offensive. But so do you girls paranoia number one you speak of trust but for trust to work you actually have to trust us we notice when we arent trusted (except for clueless morons). We all have our faults that is a given.But guys look at porn and they masturbate to it woopdy do. Would you rather them go screw other chicks?. End of the day they are with you because they want to be with you.P.s if hes doing it in the house while your there then ignore everything ive said.Which probably just contradicted all of what i said but hopefully you see my point.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): My boyfriend is an older man. He drinks and usually it takes some time to get it up but not long. He calls me beautiful during sex, sexy all the time. He swore to me he doesn't need porn because he has me. Well tonight we were in the middle of sex and he couldn't get it up. He said he had to use the bathroom and that was probably the problem. Immediately I knew something was up. He had been watching porn and even Irene's the water on to hide it. I found the history and feel like dying. He lied, and I feel like SHIT. I can't stop crying and I want to break up with him. What do I do?
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female
reader, Samixo  +, writes (3 September 2014):
Confused about my bf of 4 years lieing about porn he has lied about right threw the 4 years the first year I caught him he denided it but then admitted yeah fair play but 3 years later he still lieing about but what I understand is our sex life is pritty good we have toys dress up I'm not shy i like to spice it up with making our video dirty talk but it seems to knock me back about the whole idea, but he watches porn and when I say that he denides but it's not one two porn sites it's a fair few of them but nope he still lies he ant been on them so why ? Any advice guys
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): I've honestly been reduced to tears reading these posts. I didn't realise there were so many women out there who had been through the same thing and felt the same way. I've been with my bf for 6 and a half years. We were inseparable. Hardly spent a day apart. He seemed like the perfect man. Sensitive, loving, selfless. He claimed he didn't even look at other women. He said he only had eyes for me. I was naturally suspicious about this and would challenge him in a nice way 'what about her? She's hot!' he's always have a reason why they weren't. I even asked him multiple times about porn, he did more than deny watching it. He'd say things like 'why would I want to watch you when I have the most beautiful woman in the world?'. He was so persuasive and ott about it I eventually believed him.Then one morning I was onhis computer (not looking for anything) and I saw the porn websites. But not just general porn, interative live webcams where you tell the women what to do. I felt like my life had fallen apart. I thought about all he had said overthe last six years.. All the lies about me being everything, me being enough. This wonderful person I ha loved was gone. What do you do? Do you try to get over it? Most men dothese things don't they? But the lies! The way he made me feel so special and then stripped me of it. How do you get past this? How do you forgive this? How do you love someone again when you don't know who they are?
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female
reader, Lark36 +, writes (12 March 2011):
If it's not a big deal watching porn, then the men who have girlfriends/wives that are hurt by it-- IT SHOULD BE EASY TO GIVE UP!!! Right?? If NOT, there's a serious problem/addiction and they need to seek help or be single! Seriously guys, be thankful/satisfied with what you have or be single...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): I never thought I would ever catch my boyfriend watching porn. But I guess it can happen to everyone...
The day I caught him he was in the bathroom "taking a poop" like usual. Sometimes, he even brings the laptop (MY laptop) in with him. We both do alot of things oriented around internet research and what not. I never expected him to take advantage of that..
I knew something was wrong when he was taking unusually long in the bathroom. But I was in the process of cleaning, and thought nothing of it at the time.
I trusted him afterall.
A little while later, he was stuck on his X-box. I took the computer into the other room to check my e-mails.
There was already an internet window open. It was a video, but it was paused.
There was a girl in the video with her shirt half off.
Shocked and mortified, I exited out and continued to my e-mail.
I confronted him straight away. He broke down and admitted it.
I couldn't believe he would turn around and watch porn when on that very morning I had sex with him...I guess it wasn't enough.
I was so hurt. My self confidence was already in the pit before this.
I have BDD (body dismorphic disorder)
It hurts me that he would go and do this behind my back while he had all my trust NOT to do this!
He said he didn't know it would hurt me so much. But i've told him before that I didn't like guys that watched porn, and he's so adamantly told me he never did.
If he's been lying to me about this, then what else has he been lying about?
It makes me sick to my stomach.
I hate it when people say its "natural" for guys to want to watch porn. Especially when these guys have good girls with them..
If its so "natural" how come it makes us women feel so bad?
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female
reader, Omerta +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I totally agree, porn certainly makes us feel bad about ourselves. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago, he had been living on his own for the last couple of years (kind of expect men to be watching porn in this case) We had a conversation about porn in the first few weeks of our relationship - he said that he watched it sometimes when he was working away on his laptop, I got really mad at him and asked why he would need that when he had me now. He was so apologetic and said it was just a routine for him and that he hadn't even realised it was bad, he told me he would stop there and then and said he would never want to hurt me because he knew he loved me already etc.
Well, for some reason I didn't quite trust him - I moved in with him a few months down the line and I had left early for an interview one morning (also the day of my late brother's birthday, so already feeling weird - he knew this too) I came home and he had gone to work, I went on his PC to check my emails and found in his history that morning he had searched for "skinny red head gets f*cked" I was so shaken up and couldn't believe that after all he said, he'd gone back on his word! I confronted him and he came straight home from work pleading with me "please, I was just really horny this morning!" The night before, he hadn't wanted to have sex because he was tired!
Okies well I am rambling now, but you get the gist... Even the person you think you can trust the most can turn around and betray you. We are still together, but I am now so cautious of everything and any woman he looks at now, he always compliments me saying things like "How did I get so lucky" and "You're too beautiful for me" etc, unfortunately my confidence has been knocked so bad in the past, and now this has just made it 10x worse.
Good luck to all you girls with the same issue, I just hope it gets easier and I can trust him again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): For the males who think that women's sex toys are equivalent porn are dead wrong. That's like comparing apples to humans. A sex toy is an OBJECT. Porn OBJECTIFIES women. Men get desensitized by porn, and then they treat women like objects. If a woman needs a sex toy, then the typical cause is that the man is incompetent. What little porn I've seen teaches men nothing about how to please a woman. There are plenty a sex how-to books that can help teach a man how to please his woman.
Let's turn the tables and talk about porn for women. In women's porn, the women aren't naked (because we don't want you men watching it), but the men with six-pack abs, and large hard penises are naked. The men are rich, good-looking men, and they're pros at foreplay. The women, who you never see naked, have a different man (or maybe 2 or 3 men) every night that please her to no end. The woman talks about her husband or boyfriend, "Old Tom", like he is an incompetent lover and useless and boring. Men are demeaned and objectified. Oh, and women go shopping online or watch TV, and men are treated like sex objects there too. Men are scantily clad in sexy underwear, and they look FANTASTIC, air-brushed photos and all. Not even the the best looking young men could measure to these images of men. Where ever women hang out, they are bombarded with sexual images of hot men. If the tables could truly be turned, then you guys would be the insecure ones. But, because you're guys, most of you can't even BEGIN to empathize what porn does to women. You cannot see past your own nose.
Men who watch porn, somewhat regularly, don't know how to be truly intimate with their partner. These men don't grow, they don't evolve. The marriage or the relationship becomes more and more distant, and boring. Where-as if a man foregoes porn, and is into having a loving relationship with eyes for his mate only, he will be TONs happier than the guy who watches porn. He will be happier, because instead of not having joyful loving sex with his mate, he will be having better and more loving sex with her. Don't ever doubt a woman's intuition. Even if she doesn't know directly if you're viewing porn, she does know at a different level. Your behavior is effected by your actions, and your behaviors will work to sabotage what could have been a healthy loving relationship. What is wrong with you guys?! Do you prefer cheap thrills over a blissful loving relationship? Grow up!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): I feel the same exact way you feel. Ive only been with my bf for 8 months and i knew way before we got together that he watched it and i never cared. i figured that after we got together he would just stop especially cuz he saw me naked, and i was wrong. i found it when i was on his computer and it hurt me more than i thought. hes the kind of guys that always calls you beautiful and sexy every once in a while but after knowing that he just watched girls.. not even a couple at least i thought how the hell do u think im so beautiful if you have to watch them...Im pretty skinny and have an ok body but this just makes me feel i wasnt satisying enough for him. &even thought when he saw how much it hurt me i still think he does it. so i know exactly how u feel..
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I no haw u feel my bf when am away from him he watches it I already sold the lap top naw he got a new phone witch he can watch it on a don't no what to but he has put passwords on every thong on his phone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I'm not going to stand down and accept that watching porn (and being extremely disrespectful and perverted) is a natural impulse for men. Why should we accept this and just get over it if it makes us feel worthless?
It makes most women self-conscious and not good enough. Why would men do something that would make their significant others feel that way...if you really love the girl, respect her, and think about her when you're trying to get off.
If you're single then feel free to jerk off to your generic fake titted bimbo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Hi
I have had myself problems with my husband with porn.I found out that every time I left the house he was watching it by an complete accident. My brothewr was checking our computor to find out why it was running so slow and he went into the history of it and found all these porn sights. I was devasted about it. I have been married to the same man now for 23 years but I found out about it 7 years ago.I did not leave him but I know now that it might have been better if I did.Things do not get better even though they promise they will because sometmes bad habits are hard to beat. I beieve that if a man is married to a woman and has made a commitment to her especially as long as we have been married this should not be needed. I take my marriage seriously and so should that man you are married to. I know that sometimes lifes problems can cause a conflict in our daily lives and sometimes problems can progress into something more, but we should deal with them immediately before they blow up.
In my life my husband got so mad with me when confronted with thiS that he shoved me in the bedroom and on the stairs and hurt my arm pretty bad. I had him charged and we were aprt for awhile but I took him back which was probably a very big mistake. I believe that he still may be looking at the stuff but I know that he is not stupid enough to be watching it in the house anymore besides I no longer alow internet in the house so his access has been cut though he could rent videos but I do not think he would do that as he like the availability of having it at home.
I can not tell you how many times he has asked for internet back but I stand tall about it.I believe once the problem is there that it is hard to beat like any addiction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Great advice ms fake tits! Look sweetheart I figure ur young but in any given relationship there always need to be communication and trust. If u really like the person you with sit em down wen the madness is over and briefly explain y u feel so low and how how wat he does makes u feel and waht would he feel if u were to watch porn and completely ignore him and his needs as a man?? Exactly he will feel low and LOW so talking is the key.. Much luk u to ya .. And if he denies then tell him buhbye
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): i truly find it difficult to know my bf watches pron, i think all men cheat too, not to b the bad news honey but men r pieces of shit that only care about getting their dicks wet.....ive been with mine for 5 years and i dont trust him a bit, porn is one of the reasons, but its killing my relationship and im a gorgeous woman with fake boobs, and way better than ne girl ive ever seen him w but ive come to see that men r men and they r cheaters, and for any girl who thinks her man isnt, is just cuz your not looking hard enough...its true, and ive fought internally as to what to put up with, do i leave just to be with another who cheats or do i stay and allow the bullshit, or do i stay alone, or become a scandalous cheater myself, the truth is the intergity of the humman race is so low that you cant trust anyone to be faithful anymore and that goes particularly with men, they r all whores so with your long distance relationshi[p girl, lose him hes a cheater, trust me i know men better than anything and they r all the same.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2010): Wow..I didn't realize how many girls have gone through this. My story is similar. When my boyfriend and I of 3 years started dating, we were kids in middle school. I never wanted to be one of those girls who hated their boyfriends friends, but they always talked about porn and make sick comments about girls, and my boyfriend just hung in the background. That's what first attracted me to him. we began talking and he said how HE didn't even like hanging out with them, that they were immature, and that he never really felt like he fit in with them. We started dating, and I made it very VERY clear that 'i would never date a guy who watched porn'. He totally agreed and said that he would never do anything like that, he said he doesn't even masterbate.well, that should have been clue #1. But he's christian, comes from a good family, and his older brother had a purity ring, so i figured that i didn't have to worry.I was in heaven.We started dating in october, and summer came around with many talks about porn being gross. And by this time we were sexually active, but not having intercourse. So, it was july and our first camping trip together with my family. it was the BEST camping trip ever..so beautiful in a place called Summerland,BC, Canada. We were with friends, and the other boy our age came out of the showers and said he had 'pleasured himself' in the showers..umm, ew?so..i got curious. I asked my boyfriend if he was sure he had never masterbated..i lied and said, " my friend told me that if a guy says he doesnt masterbate then he's either lying or he's gay." so here we go: he admitted that he had, 'a couple times' and ruined that whole camping trip. After all, if he lied about this, what else had he been lying about?To make a long story shorter, that 'couple times', he admitted, had been at least once a week!! He proceeded to tell me, through my yelling and crying, that he would NEVER watch porn like the other guys though. to make this short again, He took me to our favourite place a month later and told me, willingly, that he had watched porn, more than 20 times..MORE THAN 20 TIMES?!! I cried myself to sleep for 5 months..it was all i thought about..I had had a sexual relationship with this guy, and obviously i wasn't good enough for him..i thought we were happy...and he lied to me, more than once! I felt dirty, like i had given part of me to him and he had used me. was I just another sex toy? I was ashamed, i thought he loved me, and now he was just like all the rest of them. a wilthy, disgusting pig. We have now been dating for 3 years this october, but we took a 3 month break, a year after the incident, because i didn't trust him, i yelled at him all the time, and i just couldn't get over what he had done to me. I felt so empty and used. I still cry about it 2 years later. Why can't guy's just be faithful? You hear about tiger woods and jesse james on the news..i feel so hollow hearing those stories, our boyfriends didn't cheat with 'real' women, but in some ways, this is worse..this way, theres MANY women that they're watching.Even though i'm older now, and i know guys watch porn and masterbate and it's normal, i still know that it's not right. I don't bring it up with my boyfriend anymore..what's the point? i'll just end up crying again. We never argue, and i don't want to re-hash old problems. Believe me, it's hard not to though. To make things better..i'm sure people tell you to give it time. No. time doesn't heal all wounds. What about the scars? They're always going to be there. I guess..if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...if you love eachother enough, you'll get through it. Talk to him about it as much as you want, if he's a good guy, he'll be your punching bag. He deserves it. A lot of guys don't understand that they need to talk to you about it, they need to hug you when your crying, and you need to hear them say sorry, and truly mean it, every time the topic is brought up.But stay strong..keep your head up, look at all the girls who have gone through this. You're not alone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): man, some of you need to get a grip. You're imaginations are running away with you.
As a Male i can tell you that watching pornography occasionally has ABSOLUTELY NO bearing upon how us men feel about our girlfriends. Zero, zip, nada... (unless the guy is watching porn everyday, all day)
Now, i very, very rarely watch porn (i disagree with the disproportionate depictions of female sexuality), but if i do, it's always out of some sort of boredom, and when my girlfriend is away.
The reasons why your boyfriends lie to you, is, first and foremost to spare your feelings, and secondly, because your insecurity and irrationality make him ashamed of what is, otherwise, a pretty natural impulse.
After all, the argument doesn't cross over to vibrators, does it? you could argue that female sex toys suggest something about what women desire, and are satisfied by, in regards to male penis size. This is enough to give many men a complex - do you consider this when you buy them?
So, unless your vibrator represents, perfectly, the dimensions of you lover's penis, than arguable you are engaging in a sex act that has nothing to do with him, and is all about fantasy.
Men get a lot of shit for this, but threatening to dump him because he watched a bit of porn is ridiculous - men are just turned on by visuals more than women. Just as getting YOUR ass dumped because you own a dildo is equally pathetic.
Don't take it so seriously, get some self esteem, and accept that he's just human; then we can all move on to a topic less boring. ;-)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): wow.. i don't think until recently i realized how many guys out there watch and are possibly addicted to porn. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 year and about a year after we started dating the conversation about porn came up. i know for many women, porn doesn't bother them, but it bothers me. i think it is degrading and creates a society where men have unrealistic expectations of how women should look and act. at the point this conversation, i made my view very clear and stated that him watching porn would be a "deal breaker" for me.. i wouldn't be with someone who does that. before stating my view, however, i asked him if he had ever watched porn before. he said yes, a long time ago when he was younger but he doesn't watch it anymore. he was really awkward about it, so that was the first red flag. i asked him about it many more times over the next 9 months and he always reassured me he doesn't watch it. he was very convincing. then at the end of january this year i randomly decided to check his ipod touch one more (it have internet). in the history there was porn.. quite a bit of it on one particular day. it was intentional..not something he might have just fallen across. he was googling certain playboys, etc. i woke him up and he still tried to deny it, but he finally came out with it saying he has been struggling with it for a long time.. before he was with me. but he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to leave him. i ended up going to therapy because of how shitty i felt afterward.. seeing those girls he was getting sexual pleasure from made me feel ugly, fat.. like i wasn't good enough for him.. i wasn't giving him what he needed so he had to look at those girls for pleasure. i'm trying really hard, but i still don't trust him. he says he stopped and he hasn't looked at it. i was planning to leave him the morning i found it.. it was really more about the 2-years of lying and hiding that hurt me so much.. but also the feeling of betrayal.. i almost felt cheated on. i'm still not over it. i started feeling really bad about myself.. like i could never live up to those girls he wants to look at. i actually started thinking about breast implant.. i stopped eating for awhile.. i became mentally and emotionally drained from trying to think of ways to make myself "perfect" and desirable. this thought pattern and behavior is really not like me.. i've always been more of a women's rights, feminist type person.. very natural and happy with who i am. now that i've lost a lot of weight, i think i'm actually less happy.. because i did it for him.
The point is, whether people agree or disagree with porn watching, for a lot of couple and even family, it can be very destructive. it is selfish and makes your loved one feel like they can't fulfill you. i'm not saying this is 100% true for everyone, but i can venture to say that for most, it is true. i personally know several couple and families that have had there relationships and families permanently damaged because of this behavior. i still don't know if i will get better, but if i can't, i'm going to have to leave my boyfriend.. i can't live like this forever. and if that is the case, i hope and pray i can find a guy out there who respects women a little more that that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): question.....
if you search your hard drives history and porn sites appear.... sum1 must have viewed them correct?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Ive quizzed my boyfriend about what he likes about porn, I've watched it(bad idea for me), and we've fought about it. But it keeps happening!He says it's because we dont have enough sex, but I think it's fine.. well thought. I recently discovered it again. Pissed off about every absurd sexual thing I had done for him (including the sex tapes), I was ready to end it. Then I consulted my best friend. In a discussion like no other I laid it all out for her. No secrets. "What do I do?" I begged her. And she pointed out that maybe there was something missing, but not sexually. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do. We have been together a few years, and have lost that new exciting spark. I approached him with a new concept. Instead of being angry I told him that if he wants more sex than he needs to make ME want more sex! I told him that I hated his favorite position (from behind), and that i felt stupid dressing up. That I had started to not want sex because I knew it wa going to be a fiasco. He shocked me by telling me that his favorite position is missionary, and that he likes lacy lingerie way more that obscene costumes. I was floored. All this time it was really a lack of communication causing a medocre sex life, and his desire for porn. Now we only do what makes me feel comfortable, so Im relaxed and willing. Im responsive to his advances instead of wincing at the thought of all the weird stuff he would want me to do. So in a sense it was an unsastifactory sex life leading him to porn, but not in the way that you would think. I learned that some issues are not at all what you may think they are, and that we have to be willing to put all our cards on the table before we can really fix things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): ladies im that man that you all hate, i've been so arrogant when its come to this i had been caught out and before i didnt feel no guilt which is the bad thing. i feel terrible and feel so disgusted in myself that i just dont know how to talk to my girlfriend. she is the most beautiful lady i have ever seen and has the most phenominal body and i abused that i feel like a jerk. when i did it yes i did picture myself in the video but it was never because my lady was never enough and to be honest i was glad when it was done with because i felt dirty straight after and i hated that. i lied and hid it enough times and a few times after being caught, i had promised on everything which ment something to us and messed it up i feel terrible. she's an amazing lady i love her like crazy but im very ashamed of my actions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I'm having the same problem. A few nights ago my bf told me about a time he'd watched porn in the summer. We've almls been dating a year and right at the beginning I tried having a conversation about it and tried telling him my feelings about it. Right away he said he wouldn't. So for a year basically he's been lying to me. He's said things like "I have you, why would I need porn?" then when I caught him in the lie and asked how often it was he said as much as he had before we started dating - a few times a week! I told him how disgusting it made me feel and that I didn't think I could be with him if he continued. He said there was nothing he could do to fix it because it's impossible to stop and then swore he wasn't addicted. I don't know what to do. I truly do love him but he wouldn't even try. He said it wasn't worth trying until I said I'd leave him. Then he said "what's the point when I'll end up doing it in a week?"
what's the point? My feelings, my confidence, OUR RELATIONSHIP. I lost my virginity to him and he swears he wants to marry me and it's been a year but now I constantly think about it and don't know what to do. I truly think I'd be miserable without him but I'm miserable
now that I know his secret.
Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): my boyfriend watches porn as well. i think mainly i was mad at the lying over and over, also the problem is that he used to not watch it as much now he watches it like twice a week. i would understand it if we didnt have much sex but the thing is that we have sex like 4 or 5 times a week and in between i pleasure him orally. he did tell me that he still found me attractive and that it was just a passtime, but i cant help but to think about it all the time. i keep having nightmares about it. i keep seeing as if i were looking through his eyes, when guys watch porn they imagine themselves with that women am i correct? if not please someone let me know because i love my boyfriend with all my heart and im tired of us fighting! we have had several fights about it and no matter what neither of us win. i also feel very ugly, im chunky, short, and i have small boobs....i would like to get some advice from some of u guys on this comment ( like how yall feel abut smaller or bigger boobs) because it makes me so insecure that i want to go get a boob job but then im afraid to be too fake and that the fake boobs might feel less squishy and more firm, and i definately dont want that to happen. i really need help right now because i dont even have any friends right now to discuss this problem with.
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female
reader, grincess  +, writes (1 March 2010):
:( I cannot express my empathy for you and your situation. This moring I logged on to my bf computer and found the same thing.
He and I have been together for two years and he knows how I feel about porn. I am sick to my tummy and my head is spinning.
The fact is weather or not porn is natural (which, in my opinion is not) he knows how you felt about it and did it anyway and then lied about..... RED FLAGS!!!! PERIOD! He should respect that you feel this way.
Anyone who really love you and knows how much this would hurt you, yet, does it anyway.. has no respect for you or your feelings.
In my opinion, if a guy KNOWS you feel this way and proceeds to do this must have some issue because if watching porn is more important than your 'loved one's' feelings, that is wrong.
I am tired of my friends, his friends and a lot of the popluation making me feel like a freak for my feelings of betrayal regurding porn, I dont want to be okay with it. I dont like how it makes me feel and if it really is so natural, how come so many of us feel like its not???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): The last thing i want to do here is interfere with your relationship, as clearly up until recently you've had few problems. I do think however that you're over-reacting a little. ALL guys (and probably most girls) watch porn at some point, its human nature to be curious...
I get what you saying about the trust thing, if he lied to you about this, what else could he be lying to you about? But honestly, i think that if you spoke to him about it rationally, he wouldn't feel the need to be so secretive about it in the future.
What you do need to remember is that him watching porn is no reflection of how he feels about you. Porn is fantasy, and as such its relatively meaningless...im sure he loves you just as much as he did 4 years ago, porn is just a normal source of sexual relief.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Hi, My boyfriend of just over a year watches porn - i know he does.It all started when we had been together for about 5 months and i noticed he was texting another girl asking to meet up. When i confronted him he said that it was nothing and that i shouldnt have looked through his phone in the first place (which i didnt at this point, turns out the girl he was texting was a good friend of one of my friends) a few months later i noticed he had been sending messages to a "sex chat" line if you will. This hurt me. The things he was saying to the person on the other end where things he has never said to me before... i know it was probably some fat guy at the other end but he was thinking it was some beautiful (better looking than me anyway) girl. I have recently noticed that he has been looking at naked pictures of girls on his phone though and after telling him i know about this he denys it and says "its the guys from work" which i know is bullshit. It hurts me so much just thinking that hes getting of on another girl. i love him so much but i dont think i could carry on if he carries on this way. In the past he has admited to watching porn and i have asked him why, to which his reply was "i dunno":(
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reader, pj 25 +, writes (5 February 2010):
hi there, i know this qestion was posted months ago but thought i would stil tell you what i think myself. The thing is i was in your situation and had been up until recently when i decided to leave him. I was with my boyfriend for 3.5years. We were happy and he was my bestfriend. We new one another better than anyone else knew us. We just loved spending time together and he knew how to make me laugh so much that my tummy would hurt. They were the good times we used to have. Sadly emoungst all the good trates he had came the bad. He was always telling me i was beautiful enough for him and i was all the women he needed i am a model for swim suite mags and was happy with my looks but that all turned to shit when he lied about porn! He would lie constantly to be able to have it! He would lie about downloading it on his phone and would hire it from video stores alot. I excepted it to an extent where it got too much for me..he would start saying that he did strongly desire the women in the porn because he liked something different than me! I mean that killed me inside that he would have heaps of sex with me and then hire out these fake looking porn girls! Well it kept going and i know porn is natural for men but for them to admit that they are putting us aside for women on a porn disc is saying something! It is cheating, lying and putting me down even when im a model myself and have men asking me out alot i stil turn them down for him cos i loved him and never wanted anyone else! I followed my heart for long enough and used my head and left! Please take care and love yourself not a fool like my ex!
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female
reader, pj 25 +, writes (5 February 2010):
hi there, i know this qestion was posted months ago but thought i would stil tell you what i think myself. The thing is i was in your situation and had been up until recently when i decided to leave him. I was with my boyfriend for 3.5years. We were happy and he was my bestfriend. We new one another better than anyone else knew us. We just loved spending time together and he knew how to make me laugh so much that my tummy would hurt. They were the good times we used to have. Sadly emoungst all the good trates he had came the bad. He was always telling me i was beautiful enough for him and i was all the women he needed i am a model for swim suite mags and was happy with my looks but that all turned to shit when he lied about porn! He would lie constantly to be able to have it! He would lie about downloading it on his phone and would hire it from video stores alot. I excepted it to an extent where it got too much for me..he would start saying that he did strongly desire the women in the porn because he liked something different than me! I mean that killed me inside that he would have heaps of sex with me and then hire out these fake looking porn girls! Well it kept going and i know porn is natural for men but for them to admit that they are putting us aside for women on a porn disc is saying something! It is cheating, lying and putting me down even when im a model myself and have men asking me out alot i stil turn them down for him cos i loved him and never wanted anyone else! I followed my heart for long enough and used my head and left! Please take care and love yourself not a fool like my ex!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about whether it's okay to look at porn. What matters is that you care about this, and he should be honest with you about the things that matter to you. End the relationship. If he is lying to you about this, he will lie to you about anything and everything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): hey i understand what you are going through. In the same situtation. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we moved in together a couple of months ago. However, I didn't think he was watching porn because I had asked in the past on a couple of occassions, and he would tell me that he wasn't.
But just recently i discovered he was, which really hurt me because he had lied to me so many times denying that he would watch porn.
The thing is if you are against porn and its content, and your boyfriend does not respect you and continue to watch it, you have to tell him that is not what you want in your relationship or it's over.
Because someone who is against it will always be hurt if their loved one is watching the shit.
It's a struggle, because your boyfriend might be addicted if he has been watching it for a couple of years. You have to help a lot if he is willing to change himself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Trust me, men aren't interested in watching porn for checking out the women. Or at least I don't. I'm not a guy, but I'm gay girl, and I can tell you that I don't get turned on by that. It's the act of sex itself that is why it is considered "hot". So, in that way, I just, I don't consider it cheating. It's not the feeling of being turned on by another woman's body. Maybe your boyfriend was lying to you cause he was afraid you would think that. I think porn is just a way to let out any sexual frustration. Now, if your boyfriend is making a connection with anyone in a sexual manner, that of course is consider cheating, whether it is online or not. If he is turned on by the girls body, I guess thats cheating right there. But if its just the act of sex that he's after, well then that, in my opinion, is not. I refuse to connect sexually in any manner with anyone but my girlfriend. Then again, I don't enjoy to see nude pictures. The only person I'd ever consider being with would be my girlfriend. I love her, and I don't feel the same about any other girl as I do about her.
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reader, Eh-Vuh +, writes (23 November 2009):
okay i just recently caught my boyfriend accessing porn off his iphone. when i saw it i started shaking. Men are insensitive assholes. you GUYS dont understand that its a form of cheating. You are looking at another woman naked whom is not your girlfriend. Its called respect. How do you guys tell your girlfriends that you love them when your checking out other woman that are naked?
If you tell them you love them then why do you GUYS go and check other woman out? We should be enough, if YOU LOVE US SO MUCH then THERES NO NEED to be masturbating or watching porn. You should be happy and satisfied and get all your sexual pleasure from us. There are some woman, like me who dont watch porn or masterbate. So then why do we deserve it? Theres no double standard on our part. All it does is make woman feel self conscious because they man is getting their pleasure and fantasys else where.
Its a standard we can never live up to because the porn stars have bigger boobs, a nicer ass or more inshape, that just makes us feel like shit. We should be enough, and for you men to laugh and say we are overreacting (like my boyfiend did) is some major bullshit. Its so easy for guys to find porn but for woman its noy likely your gonna find porn with men rubbing up on each other with out wanting to laugh and say that it comes off gay, even you guys aren't gonna take it seriously because you, your self would find it gay.
GUYS just suck, they don't ever think what they do is wrong and just think that women are crazy and overreactive bitches. Guys are just insensitive and inconsiderate assholes. What bugs us woman is that we do thinks keeping you men in mind. And men do thinks keeping their own selfish needs in mind, which isn't fair because woman get the bad rap for loving their boyfriend and getting hurt. I didn't know that was such a crime.
Overall to us woman its a form of cheating and being unfaithful, a lack of respect and love. Its hurtful and makes us woman feel like we can never live up to those standard. Not only that we dont know if watching porn will eventually led to cheating on us woman because you want to try something new.
And since i discoverd him watching porn its been awkward between us, all that goes through my mind is how do i know that hes not doing it now when he cant hang out or talk because hes tired or busy, and when you throw lying and making excuses into to go watch porn that does turn into cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Ergh, I know exactly what you're going through .. Although in my case it was more my boyfriend trying to lie for a few minutes then I forced it out of him.
I'm a true believer in honesty and trust in a relationship, and stuff like this just shits all over how many months or years worth of a relationship.
It's not the fact he was looking at porn, it's the fact they lie to such an extent they actually convince themselves!
I do honestly believe that your boyfriend was denying knowing anything about the porn to save your feelings, (aaw they're so sweet, right? ¬¬), they see porn as a quick release as opposed to how we see it - naked women touching themselves and others whilst our boyfriends watch and perv and - ergh - wank. It makes me feel disgusted, like I need to be like that to fulfill his needs or he can just totter off to the laptop and bash one out before getting into bed with me.
To be honest, I feel the same as you - I'm constantly synical about his compliments aimed at me, (which are very seldom), and I find my self always comparing my body to other women more tanned and toned and taller than myself. This single fact itself is what is wrong with society.
I still haven't came to terms with it, but I'm getting better, if he cares about you then he will listen to what you have to say; Explain how you feel and why, how you feel degraded and not sexually attractive because of this, and also ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around and you were looking at other men, masturbating behind his back, (that really pissed mine off!).
Hope he gets the message, although most of the male race are apparantly 'programmed' (bullshit) to look at other women and see them sexually instead of as a human.
Hope you don't feel alone with all this - I did when I first found it!
Good luck and I hope you sort things out x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): The point is that her boyfriend LIED. He lied and lied.
If a man is with a woman who is bothered by it and he continues and he lies about it, then he has no respect for her or the relationship and he is a flat out selfish liar.
Men don't like women they masturbate to in porn because they see them as subhuman trash. Men hate the fact they wanna fuck a peice of subhuman trash. Men hate themselves in general and they project that hate onto women.
If a man lies about his porn habits, he as a problem with lying, a problem with shame and he is just selfish. Majority of porn is sexist and degrades women because they are usually on the submissive end. They get dressed up as young girls, get called "WHORES AND SLUTS" "HORNY TEEN SLUTS" ect, how is that NOT hateful?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): ok...now that i've read through all the responses visible on this page i'll respond to them as best i can. before going ahead, i aplogize for any and all the remarks that appear to be offensive or insensitive in the following, but hold that this situation REQUIRES one to ignoire "sensitiveness" for moment and just understand cold hard facts and such, because sensitivity DOES NOT address the true issue here AT ALL. i hope people can absorb some of the more empowering ideas i will state too.before going any further, i want the poster who was married to the guy for 15 yrs to know that, unfortunately, her situation VERY unique (as far as i'm concerned) and it DOES NOT apply to 99% of other cases out there. your husband has a completely different issue than viewing and/or masturbating to porn. i'm sorry, and feel sorry for you (in a more positive way, not the insulting way). you do indeed sound liek a perfect housewife. assuming your description is true, you are indeed very attractive... in cluding "hot" (which has subtle differences in my opinion). but rest assured, my response will touch on the issue for you too.the issue here, is that WOMEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND MEN, AND MANY DO NOT EVEN TRY TO.... AND WHEN THEY CAN'T THEY DECIDED THE MAN IS "WRONG" AND TOO MANY OF THEM "CAN'T" OR RATHER WON'T TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TO GET OVER IT.simply put, the propensity porn IS indeed natural - no mater what kind of man you have. finding the right place to begin is difficult, so bare with me... i'll start with the real problem i see on here and have experienced in my own life. the main problem here IS THE WOMAN IN PAIN. insensitive, i know... however that is the problem - depending on the situation. if you man hasn't told you, you are unattractive and been complaining about various things - YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE REASON HE WATCHES PORN. if he has complained or something - YOU ARE STILL PROBABLY NOT THE REASON HE WATCHES PORN! he may even think it's the reason but it's not. the main reason guys watch porn is because guy liek to see good looking women (even though you are a good looking woman), especially with VARRYING body types (you are NOT a shape-shifter and therefore you can never be all of these women... but don't worry cause you don't need to be and he doesn't actually want you to be), engaging in sexual activity with men and/or women. this is why he watches porn. the "dark side" of himself in being gratified, and then he maturbates to relieve himself and because it simply feels good. YOU are hurting because YOU misunderstand the situation and his motives behind it. YOU take on this responsiblity that YOU should not. YOU should just concentrate on being YOU, and being confident in YOUSELF, YOUR LOOKS, YOUR SEXUAL ABILITY, etc etc. the porn likely has NOTHING to do with something you lack. there are various reasons why men watch porn, and 99% of them don't really have anything to do with you. i have been a guy who has had sex available to him, but decided to masturbate (she wasn't like right in front of me, but i could have had her come by and had sex but chose not to). i know men how have had GFs but continue to masturbate because they want to. in general, masturbation is natural - completely natural... but if abused then it's unnatural and a problem. women need to stop thinking everything is about them. is it just because your man isn't there to do it for you, or because he doesn't have sex with you enough, that you masturbate? NO.. it's not! women have DIFFERENT things they use to achieve the same end that ponr TYPICALLY serves for men - "romantic novels", "sex toys" (there's THOUSANDS of sex toys for women), and other things. STOP making everything about YOU... that is why YOU are the problem here. if YOU didn't do this, YOU wouldn't be feeling so bad.i know this is the case because it's what heppened with me. my GF and I BOTH used to watch porn. our intamcy dropped because of a change in schedule which brought about massive stress to my life. as an end result, she demonized porn. she continued to masturbate when she wanted, but when i didn't want to get to sex right away, and then sometimes masturbated to porn, she thought is didn't want her anymore or didn't find her attractive because she didn't look like the women in the porn i typically watched. it was very frustrating and is actually ridiculous since our normal intamcy resumed like i said it would, but her feelings toward somethign she herself used to enjoy, decided to stay the same, and we have had "issues" about porn ever since. the inner things that turn people on shouldn't be overly sructinized when there's so common. i've struggled in accepting that she lieks to use vibrators sometimes.... as i'm sure MANY MANY men have with their women... so why is it so much more difficult for women to come to accept? i tend to believe it's just one of their own double standards that allows them to draw their own bullshit difference between the tools. they use sophistry to justify what they do while demonizing what their mate does... and then top it off by "having their feelings hurt" by it - which they know weakens most men. it's manipulation... which angers many men when they recognize it.almost ANY man in the world will watch porn... and possible do worse - like go to strip clubs and such... this is ESPECIALLY true in our current world.the world, and society has gone to shit. this has caused MANY changes in what's deemed "natural". porn is a billion dollar industry. there are tons upon tons of pornographic material out there. everyone, but specifically men, have vivid imaginations, but for men that's NOT ENOUGH. men as so visual that if their "dirty" idea can be given form they will wwant to see it - this drives them to porn, if something didn't before hand.women need to understand that it is WOMEN who make thsi situation with porn worse. men deal with temptation ALL DAY LONG. from the clothes women wear in the street, to in the OFFICE... OTHER women "tempt" your man ALL FUCKING DAY LONG. women KNOW how they dress, and they know certain effects certain things have on the men they walk by. porn doesn't DEGRADE women. most porn is made for men (i belive), and it's based on many male fantasies... so it's not surprising that some of the stuff women do in them are crazy and wild. why criticze men's fantasies and dirty fantasies so harshly when you're can be seen as just as "bad"? it's just more hypocrisy i see from women. the hypocrisy that MANY males see in women pisses them off to know end. it actually creates a lot of the "tension" between men and women - because women don't realize any of this until a guy (figurativly) slaps them with the reality check... which immediately leads to hurt feelings which is something most men don't want to occur, and it's why so many of us don't say anything until we're made to be mad.yes, many men give BS reasons for watching porn. YES, they WILL shift the blame once he senses you're blaming him for something and gonna get upset. this is human nature. it doesn't make it right, but it makes it at least sensible, which should count for at least something. furthermore, i said it's HUMAN nature - which means WOMEN DO IT TOO. it means the average human will do something like that.the porn industry doesn't do much to women at all (at least in the US this is true). women SEEK the porn industry - or rather the SEX INDUSTRY - of their own accord. THEY USE THE INDUSTRY, and the industry "uses" them too, like in any business relationship. BOTH benefit financially. if women want the views cast on women to stop, then ADDRESS THE PEOPLE ENABLING PORN - WOMEN!this lack of responsiblity and accountability only makes men think less of women in the end. understand thses things, digest them, and learn from them.(almost) NO MAN TRULY LIKES THE WOMEN IN PORN. it's a conflict. men HATE women in the sex industry... which is why they'll even disown their very own family members over it. women think they have men so figured out when they don't actualyl know that much. understand that there is a lot you don't understand about men. as 'simple" as we are, we're still quite complex - just deceptively so.in the end - IDEALLY porn wouldn't even exist!unfortunately is DOES. and it strongly appeals to the carnal side of men, and thus it's natural that men will be interested in it to a degree and like watch/use it. women have their things too, so don't act like you don't. porn, isn't that bad... but it can create problems. understand is needed on both sides. just like for anything else.i'm sure women will find that their BEST LOVERS had viewed porn before. even though it's low on the "reasons men watch porn" it's true that men learn a lot about SEX (not necessarily "love") from porn.there mroe i could say, but i'm sure this is more than enough for now. i'll save it for the book i need to write one day lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): hello everyone,
i see this question was posed a long time ago but, i just had to respond to it.
i'm a guy and i've gone through some of these issues before with my girlfriend.
many of the comments (apparently) left by women seem to point out the pain this issue makes them feel, and they go on to (apparenly) demonize men for watch porn and being ok with it. there are MANY things i'd like to say and/or ask regarding this issue and the other issues it branches off into. but for now i just want to ask why it is that women seem to find porn soooo bad... but don't find their own "guilty pleasures" to be so deplorable?
i can see many parallels between porn and sex toys. men tend to watch porn, women tend to possess and use sex toys - especially as they age (women tend to use/enjoy porn too though, and do so more than men who use/enjoy sex toys for themselves). why is it ok for women to use and ignore the issues that can be brought about by using sex toys for their pleasure (with or without a partner), but at the same time make a big deal out of men watching porn? i find this to be very hypocritical. the issues potentially brought about by women using sex toys are equally, if not more, painful.
sex toys and porn serve the same purposes - to help the user achieve sexual pleasure/orgasm. they're both merely tools. some women will even use BOTH similtaneously. the difference that porn has actual people that we can see and hear is nearly irrelevant. "why" you ask? becuase the natural differences between men and women. men tend to be more visual (this is why they're likely to love porn so much in the first place), while women are more mental (which is why many women don't need or want to be ableto be seen... more women than men, both by raw numbers AND percentages, prefer the lights off during sex... this is due to various reasons. it could be insecurity, which is a turn off for men might i add.... it coould be because with the lights off she feels like her other senses are more engaged). with that said, many women don'tneed porn at all... with the power of their imaginations, they can have a perfectly wonderful time just masturbating... espcially with the use of a sex tool/toy. men on the other had, are less likely to be so fulfilled with just imagining. this is a well known fact, aside from being more or less common sense to me.
women how get hurt by porn so much, i believe, to usually be women who themsleves are insecure - which is an issue they themselves need to address transcend. just as men need to transcend their issues with toys. obviously the user of either of these tools can "abuse" them and make their partner feel bad, which ultimately makes the partner have issues with the tool itself.
for now, i digress on this.
but i would appreciate someone being able to answer this.
as for the orginal topic, and question about "what to do".... i feel you should try to understand the male perspective on it, and understand that many men don't watch porn simply because they love some woman... that's not it... they like porn because their observing a sex act.... good looking people just make it more thrilling. along with that is just men's sexual imagination... i doubt most women can really handle the male sexual imagination. especially with history and women's rights and such being the way it was... women ill be highly offended. just as many men will offended by wild female fantasies. we all need to know that almost EVERYONE is "dirty" or rather "wild" a little bit inside when it comes to sex. these things need o be met with maturity, self security, and understanding. then, people need to reassure their partners and such. people also need to be resonable. loyalty is extremely important, and partners need know and be confident that their partners are loyal to them, and those partners need to sometimes just let the other have their fantasy and let it be left at that.
and not to go in a religous direction but... the more we find our spirtuality the less likely (i believe) we are to be recklessly immoral with our fantasies and such.
sorry for the long comment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Well, what a mixed bag of results. I happen to suffer the same problem, my seemingly 'perfect' boyfriend of a year can't help doing it. And the idea that its 'natural' makes me livid! How can anyone think that it wouldn't hurt there partner? I know full well if he caught me glaring at a tightly toned, oiled up, well endowed man having sex with a woman he'd feel just as insecure!
To be honest I think this question is inanswerable. My stance is that its wrong, and I will always fight against it. But i suppose its all about where you feel you stand, if its tearing you up, TELL HIM. If he can't accept that what he's doing is hurting you then he isn't worth it.
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reader, Carmie +, writes (31 August 2009):
In all honesty I stumbled across this website by accident, however I have a completely different point of view on this whole issue. It is a completely normal thing for guys to watch porn, and Im guessing that you would be alot happier to know that he was watching porn and touching himself as opposed to him getting ravaged by a REAL girl..I wouldnt consider it to be mental cheating, as I would assume that cheating to be something involving touch and clearly the only touching in porn is either oneself, or the enter key on the keyboard once ones favourite site is found.Perhaps instead of being completely gutted by your boyfriends hobby, you should jump online and have a bit of an explore yourselves. You may find that it helps to not only understand boys fascination in watching sexual acts, but also that it starts to become your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): I know how you all feel. I recently found porn on my boyfriends iPhone and I was gutted. All he said was "It's not like it means anything to me"Well, it's means a whole lot to me. Finding that made me feel so worthless, lke I wasnt even good enough for him so he had to resort to whores for his kicks. It's so crushing to feel like that.Porn is NOT normal or natural. Normal and natural are things that were happening thousands of years ago. Living, breathing, smiling, loving. I don't see much evidence of porn from 1000 years ago. I don't even want my boyfriend to touch me anymore. I don't want a hug or kiss. I don't want to be anywhere near him. That, to me, is mentally cheating. When I told him that he laughed. Laughed in my face like I was crazy and irrational. Obviously its "just" porn to him. But the lack of consideration for me and how I might feel is whats hurting the most.
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reader, Anon100000 +, writes (11 July 2009):
This is so not something i would normally do, and i know you asked this question like forever ago.But...
I feel so strongly about this issue. I don't understand why we are allowing men to carry on doing this to us. And before you think I'm some lesbian femanist, I'm not. Totally normal girl, have had the same problem with the man in my life, who i've been with for 3 years and loves very much. He treats me with respect and atleast has the decency to lie about watching it porn (not that it excuses it). Only thing wrong is that he and all men still think it's ok to watch porn. They still might not even admit to watching it but still think its ok. They think its inherent to the male geneology. Only thing is, while there are whores out there willing to take their clothes off it's goin to carry on. And just for the record, if there is anyone reading this happens to take their clothes off for money, or makes any type of porn, I hope one day your dad, brother or grandad has the pleasure of seeing your "work". And I hope it ruins your world, the way you have ruined that of so many people who feel the effects of what you do with out you even realising it.
Anyway, back to the point.. Don't really know what to tell you as all I seem to have achieved is a fiance wh
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hi Ladies,
There are many of you upset by this porn thing. But there is another point of view, if you are willing to take it on board. Here are a couple of links which try to explain why men like porn, what they think about when they look at it, and why they lie about using it. There is also a very interesting post from a woman who has made her partner angry by turning the tables on him, and one whose husband has agreed to get some help. You might not like what some people have to say about it, so please, if you have a real issue with porn and definately cannot stand it then I don't suggest you look for answers in these links.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-it-mean-he-doesnt-love-me-if.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-lost-weight-and-dress-sexier-for-him.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-let-him-enjoy-porn--why-does.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): My heart is racing while I read this. Its incredible how profoundly hurtful this situation is. I stumbled upon my boyfriends indescretion for the 2nd time in 2 years, and I got another elaborate lie. We have had conversations about this in the beginning. We agreed that using porn is socially alienating, detrimental to the individual who uses it. I was so impressed to meet a man who had evolved beyond the cave. Now, having made himself out to be some moral authority, He doesn't want to own it. He dosn't want to validate my pain. He wants to tell me that I am over reacting. He feels entitled to his cheap and vulgar titilation. I feel gutted. It is obvious that it is not just me who felt hurt by this. Hurt does not begin to describe the feelings that follow the initial shck. Humiliated, degraded, devalued, betrayed, inadequate, cheap, disposable, cheated, violated, disgusted, decieved, spitually bankrupted, and abandoned may begin to describe the feelings. Not "Hurt" Hurt is what happens when someone says something they didn't mean. This is something else altogether.The imbalance of power in the relationship is palpable. Since this man has always treated me like gold, it is obvious something else is going on when he doesn't. When he won't bother to understand me in a dissagreement. Why should he tolerate any shit from me when there is a plethora of nameless whores ready and willing to degrade themselves on his command right? Who need unconditional love when you can have unconditional sexual subserviance for nothing?While I have abstained from even flirting with other men, he has been doing this. I want to thank all of you who are true enough to your selves to not not excuse this. Our society wants us to think that its normal and ok, but our society is fucking sick, as well as dominated by men. Women are objectified and degraded all the time. We shouldn't all be complicent in our own victimization just because a small percentage of women are willing to perpetuate this sickness.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): My heart is racing while I read this. Its incredible how profoundly hurtful this situation is. I stumbled upon my boyfriends indescretion for the 2nd time in 2 years, and I got another elaborate lie. We have had conversations about this in the beginning. We agreed that using porn is socially alienating, detrimental to the individual who uses it. I was so impressed to meet a man who had evolved beyond the cave. Now, having made himself out to be some moral authority, He doesn't want to own it. He dosn't want to validate my pain. He wants to tell me that I am over reacting. He feels entitled to his cheap and vulgar titilation. I feel gutted. It is obvious that it is not just me who felt hurt by this. Hurt does not begin to describe the feelings that follow the initial shck. Humiliated, degraded, devalued, betrayed, inadequate, cheap, disposable, cheated, violated, disgusted, decieved, spitually bankrupted, and abandoned may begin to describe the feelings. Not "Hurt" Hurt is what happens when someone says something they didn't mean. This is something else altogether.The imbalance of power in the relationship is palpable. Since this man has always treated me like gold, it is obvious something else is going on when he doesn't. When he won't bother to understand me in a dissagreement. Why should he tolerate any shit from me when there is a plethora of nameless whores ready and willing to degrade themselves on his command right? Who need unconditional love when you can have unconditional sexual subserviance for nothing?While I have abstained from even flirting with other men, he has been doing this. I want to thank all of you who are true enough to your selves to not not excuse this. Our society wants us to think that its normal and ok, but our society is fucking sick, as well as dominated by men. Women are objectified and degraded all the time. We shouldn't all be complicent in our own victimization just because a small percentage of women are willing to perpetuate this sickness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I totally agree with "Try and find one guy on here, or any site that says porn is bad in serious relationships" cant find much huh? Yes, some girls agree with porn but usely its because most of them gave up and just accepted it or there not really loving to there husbands and are not with them for a serious relationship, there doing the college type of dating. But the one's that gave up are tired of fighting a battle she knows she'll never succeed in. I mean yes my fellow man, porn is normal. It is OK when a young lad discovers the many ways of how a women body's works. But if you want a seriously mature long lasting, romantic forever and ever relationship with a decent young women. Then your gonna have to realize, how seriously in love she is with you when she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That next step means she giving up the chance to be with any other guy, cause she wants you to be the one and only man in her life she's comfortable enough to wake up every morning looking like total shit, but with you staring at her not caring in the world how she looks, cause you know how truly beautiful she is. That's love, and porn isn't a way to express your love (in my option of course) and having to go to porn knowing it will hurt the one you love, knowing how much she has probably tried to express how painful it is to know, taht her one and only isn't thinking about her but other women. You need to realize how much your destroying her self esteem, how much your destroying your trust with each other. If you want to make this work, knowing she's trying to make it work. Knowing she loves you. Then for sake of each other. Find help, stop if you can. Don't EVER EVER EVER LIE, if you do it behind her back. Tell her, yes it will hurt her but at least she will know you wont lie to her and that you understand her feelings. Then she will understand yours. A women self esteem is more fragile then most men. Why are there more female porn stars and strippers and hookers then men? (I could be wrong, again this is my option I'm not stating a fact. Just think about it) but if your replacing it for sex, or trying not too but cant help it. Seek help, talk with your girl about it. If you really want to stop for you and your girl cause you know how much it hurts her. Then seek help, maybe with a sex therapist. A doctor? I don't know, but show her your still fighting to keep your serious relationship alive. Show her that sex with her is not just sex, that your not using each other just to get off. That your trying to make each other feel good and be happy. Expressing each other love for each other. All men know there can be a limit to porno. Its just finding the right time to end it, and I believe now would be a good time to try to end it as soon as you can. I've said my piece, my knowledge of this entire roller coaster of emotions. I hope you guys read this and try to understand her heart then trying to understand your penis. Take care, and good luck lady know your all beautiful inside and out! ~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): First off I just wanna say THANK YOU .. thank you to the posters that have been honest about they're situations and they're feelings on this topic.
I unfortunately am faced with the same burden in my relationship and have been battling with myself for months over it. Some friends have given me the advice that porn is ok, some have told me to watch it with my boyfriend, my boyfriend has given me the excuse that it is a bodily need for him to ejaculate and if i'm not around its something he HAS to do - but he's "thinking of me when he does it" .. After reading through the question and responses I can confidently say that everything i've been told is a load of crap. And i'm tired of being made to feel guilty for not being comfortable with it. Pornography is degrading and it's obvious that the effects of it in a relationship RIP AWAY at self esteem, create an environment of deceit, and drive a wedge between a couple that is so supposed to be monogomous.. Why? it's obvious .. an unscrupulous third party has been entered into a relationship .. and theres no place for that in a MONOGOMOUS relationship .. no self respecting woman can compete with or wants to demoralize herself to the acts that happen in porns and as a result we begin to feel inadequate, devalued, unattractive, and question what we're lacking ... I know we are all very in love with and committed to the men in our lives, but from the sample of stories i've read on this site men that engage in this behavior don't stop! their appetite increases and their need to watch pornography gets worse - almost like a drug addict looking for a more intense high - the curiosity evolves into more tangible forms porn. I'm battling the same demon right now, so to all the women out there that can comensorate with how agonizing this is you're in my prayers.. hold strong to the fact that we're NOT crazy or insecure, it's NOT right and has no place in a loving monogomous relationship. If you have the strength - LEAVE .. Love YOURSELF and dont lose hope that there's better .. even if it's just you doing better for yourself .. there's better .. God Bless ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I can certainly relate to you issue. I just dissolved a very close long-tern relationship as a result of the same problem.
When I first met my boyfriend, porn came up in a casual conversation and he stated to me that he did not like it. At that moment, I informed him that I was relieved, because I feel that a porn habit had any place in a serious close-distance relationship.
However, after several months of living together, pronography became a major issue in our relationship. Often times, I would return from work, and I would find pron downloading on my computer. My boyfriend would always lie about it, saying that he was just downloading music videos. I believed him for awhile, but then began Googling the titles, and was constantly directed to porn videos. In addition, I would catch him in the living room in the middle of the night masturbating to porn being displayed on a 6 foot projection screen.
This cycle repeated itself over and over again, despite his offers of promises never do so again. It repeated itself despite his knowledge of the pain that he was cousing.
I have heard many men justify the propriety of porn by saying that they don't get enough sex from their girlfriends. In my case, that couldn't be further from the truth. I was constanly trying to seduce my boyfriend and offer new ideas to bring into the bedroom. It was he who was denying the sex. This reality made the whole situation even more difficult to live with. I began to doubt myself, my sexual abilities and prowess, and my level of attractiveness.
The last time that I caught my boyfriend in the act, he used the fact that he was bored with our sex life as the excuse for his lies and betrayal. This was the last of a laundry list of excuses that he used to justify his own behavior, and often, place some of the blame on me....that his sex drive was very high, that he wanted more oral sex, that he was bored...On every occasion, I tried to bottle the pain, forgive him for his lies, and change my behaviors to better please him, but, no matter what I did, he just kept on with the lies. No matter how well I treated him, or how sexually receptive or suggestive I was, our sexual encounters became less frequent, while the frequency of his porn sessions continued to increase.
The last time that I caught him was the last straw for me. Because of his lies relating to this situation, I no longer felt that I could trust him. Every time that I would catch him in the act, I would have a full-fledged panic attack. This was something that was completely new to me then, and has not happened again since we split up. It got to the point where I just could not keep putting myself through the same thing over and again. It began to feel as if he was actually cheating on me and would rather look at other women's naked bodies than mine.
As a result of what happened, my self-esteem has been compromised. I used to be a relatively confident girl, however, now I am not so sure of myself. I fear entering another serious relationship due to the concerns that he imposed upon me regarding my sexual peformance.
Objectively, I am a young, fit, and attractive woman. However, right now, it is hard to see that person when I look in the mirror. My own self-image has been distorted to the point of dysmorphia. I do not want any guy to see me naked and I certainly do not want to place my self in a situation that may amount to the same outcome. I used to love myself and my body, but now, I am not so pleased. I fear that what I have gone through may have changed me for life. I never want to be in the place I was ever again. I still have images flashing in my head from porn videos that I caught him watching in the middle of the night, months ago.
After what I have gone through, and the testimonies of many others on this site, I really do not think that the questioner's situation has much hope, unless of course, the male partner is willing to go through some couple's therapy to work on the issue. I once suggested that in my case, but my boyfriend refused. I once suggested that I would go to individual therapy so that I could better deal with what was going on, and he insulted both me and the therapeutic profession. I should have known then that for him, pron was more important than saving a relationship with a woman who loved him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): The whole thing about using porn to justify a need to sleep with different women is total garbage. Men like to use that excuse to control women and make them feel bad for having a problem with their behaviors. The whole idea of men having to spread their seed has no biological or medical basis. In most cases, men that are compelled to porn despite sexual opportunities are compelled to the whole component of instant gratification. It is something in which they can indulge without having to do any work. They do not have to invest effort into pleasing another person, just themselves.Porn is fine in some situations, but it is not appropriate for all. If it is used as a substitute for real sex in a relationship, then it is a problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt you so much that I can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 and 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. To be able to believe there are men who truly 'love' a real woman they can share a moment with, is more than hopeful for us who feel used and unwanted because it eases our pain. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that 'the poor man' has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities. Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. He is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He had been married three times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me)with the reason that the women "left him"(like he was a saint). His wives (who I met much later) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and near their children; stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn and their marriage fell aprt because of all this. I found these papers and other porn in the attic 2 yrs after I married him; that is why I met wives. Shetold me she wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv.Detention for a year, was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). He's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc. 30 yrs old and a lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), raised to law-abiding professional children as a single mom and they were out of college when I remarried, I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real), never refused sex or had hangups; never nagged/belittled/embarrassed him; saved lots of money for all his toys; and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my "beautiful body", the man said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not. I truly believe two wrongs don't make a right and that there has to be at least one sane one in this family...it might as well be me.
The reason I tell you all this is that, I thought if I was "PERFECT" I could keep him from wanting other women. That if I went along and forgave him, he'd see I WAS the only woman he'd ever need. I believe him when he says he hasn't been to bed with women. It's not sex with women that he is looking for. It's the ability to view all women (naked or otherwise). It's a high for him like drugs to an addict. I know he's an addict now. Every morning he needs his 'high' when he leaves our bed and lies in the guest room for a few minutes before he gets ready for work. I catch him sometimes masterbating. then he spends whatever moment he has caught up looking for another to watch. He likes being sexually excited all day. After he lied for years and gave a thousand rediculous stories, when he finally confessed, he said he loved looking at beaautiful women (apparentally naked). He's so caught up in this trap that he still llies when he doesn't have to, about all kinds of normal things. He's use to lying now. He stalks them in stores, stares at them in restaurants, views magazines, tv, internet, wherever they may be. He goes out of his way and uses every tactic, no matter how flimsy, to be near them, watch them as they eat, move, breathe. He does it quietly and precisely. He uses me sometimes to do this; suggesting we eat at certain known female hangouts, movies, etc where young girls are. No matter what I have done to 'be his' exclusively, even marriage, which he insisted, it never stopped him and never will; no matter who he married.
We haven't had any sex or intimacy for 10 yrs. When he got Diabetes (his father and mom had it), it gave him an excuse to never have sex again. His father couldn't when he had diabetes, which he died of. All of a sudden my husband got four doctors to believe him when I complained about no sex from him and he could 'get it up' when he wanted to, so he explained 'it was a pee hard', stuff like that. I knew he was lying, esp when I started finding porn on the 'net'all the time and then I'd catch him red handed and he'd still lie, with his pants down and the porn in sight. The Drs gave him Viagra, Levitra, and finally Cialis. He has drawers full of the stuff(since 2000) and he has excuses for them. They 'don't work', 'they cause headaches', 'require too much work' (to take a pill??). The truth of the matter is that he prefers HIMSELF and his imagination. I went to marriage counselors ( two Christian and three secular). I tried explaining about the stalkings, hiding behind bushes with binoculars (see it gets worse and more involved as the years go on), losing a 20 yr job for being caught spying on a customer, etc but each time this 'sweet, gentle, perfect' man told them it wasn't like that, I misunderstood the situation, etc and they ALL dismissed it as normal, except for a former family doctor of mine who questions why I was always sick. He asked what was really bothering me (I've had numerous operations and now have severe high blood pressure). When I told him, he asked if I considered divorsing him and I said I was too old to be alone and lose all I've worked so hard for. I had been divorsed before and it was horrible. But this is horrible, too. Dr asked what was I going to do when it gets worse, maybe when he rapes someone or treats me like a "nothing' ((like now, years later). I didn't have an answer then or now.
I know this is a long answer, but I want you to understand, as best as I can, what really happens when you agree to something that 'bothers' you alot. There is a reason you are uncomfortable with this. All I can say, is, THIS: No one can tell you or me what to do. We each need to live out this until we've had enough. I couldn't come up with solutions for me in 15 yrs and I can't come up with one for you, BUT I've thought of fighting fire with fire (letting him see me oogle men, download and copy male strippers, etc). Didn't work. He was neither interested, nor did it do a thing for me, except waste my time. I felt stupid. I'm not interested in porn and I don't think the majority of these ladies that tell you to watch it with him, are into it either. They can cry a tall tale all they want but not one has truly convinced me they rather watch that crap with their man than enjoy a loving 'one on one' solely with their guy.
I tried blocking the 'net'. Come on, only a fool believes the guy won't unblock it. I tried hiding my mags, turning tv channels, elimanating girlfriends, etc. I refuesed for months not to go out to eat, movies, etc. Only thing it did was cause me to be lonely. He was out evey day looking at them. These men will FIND mags,tvs,computers and what they are looking for, with or without you.
What I have done, is try to take care of me better. I volunteer at a police dept and enjoy the light laughter and friendship. I enroll in several clubs (female ones). As much as I want and need sex, I purposely stay away from areas that may make me vulnerable and dream that someday I will have a legal way to enjoy the love and sex of a man again. I've decided divorse is NOT for me; I have done nothing wrong and I won't let him lower my standards of what I believe I am. I have convinced myself that I am solely my own caretaker and I see to it that I provide my bank account with a reasonable small amount of 'wife-duty' pay. I refuse to believe I am ugly, too old, of no use and I truly believe there will be a day when I look back and am thankful I hung on for a while longer. It still is tough for me. Yesterday I called my sister (the only one I truly trust now) and cried for an hour because I found again the porn movies he's now watching on the net. He forgot to delete the cookies. I just needed to hear I wasn't ugly and a 'has been'.This is highly disrespectful to me. He doesn't know I just found these. If he did, he'd shut down and go to another source. Like he says, "You're not my mother". Obviously this has changed him over the years, and I'm not his 'one and only', either.
I hope you don't have to live this 15 yrs or more . You are young and have a lifetime of hope. Even then you can't be sure. I had questioned him alot (as he did me) before we got married. I thought I knew him and we had an open, honest relationship. I made a mistake. I was wrong. I can never trust him again (he has repented more than anyone I know). He's so sorry, that one day I told him, he was the 'sorriest person I knew", and I meant it.
Good luck, dear. It's a long, life journey. Please treat yourself, always, to the best YOU can give yourself. Don't rely on anyone to do it for you. That's how we get hurt.
I'd be interested in feedback from others, esp. wise gentlemen, as to the course I've taken to live through this, and I'd like to know if there are more than two men who believe that porn is wrong and why. Is there more I can do? thanks to all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt you so much that I can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 and 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. To be able to believe there are men who truly 'love' a real woman they can share a moment with, is more than hopeful for us who feel used and unwanted because it eases our pain. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that 'the poor man' has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities. Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. He is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He had been married three times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me)with the reason that the women "left him"(like he was a saint). His wives (who I met much later) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and near their children; stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn and their marriage fell aprt because of all this. I found these papers and other porn in the attic 2 yrs after I married him; that is why I met wives. Shetold me she wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv.Detention for a year, was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). He's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc. 30 yrs old and a lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), raised to law-abiding professional children as a single mom and they were out of college when I remarried, I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real), never refused sex or had hangups; never nagged/belittled/embarrassed him; saved lots of money for all his toys; and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my "beautiful body", the man said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not. I truly believe two wrongs don't make a right and that there has to be at least one sane one in this family...it might as well be me.
The reason I tell you all this is that, I thought if I was "PERFECT" I could keep him from wanting other women. That if I went along and forgave him, he'd see I WAS the only woman he'd ever need. I believe him when he says he hasn't been to bed with women. It's not sex with women that he is looking for. It's the ability to view all women (naked or otherwise). It's a high for him like drugs to an addict. I know he's an addict now. Every morning he needs his 'high' when he leaves our bed and lies in the guest room for a few minutes before he gets ready for work. I catch him sometimes masterbating. then he spends whatever moment he has caught up looking for another to watch. He likes being sexually excited all day. After he lied for years and gave a thousand rediculous stories, when he finally confessed, he said he loved looking at beaautiful women (apparentally naked). He's so caught up in this trap that he still llies when he doesn't have to, about all kinds of normal things. He's use to lying now. He stalks them in stores, stares at them in restaurants, views magazines, tv, internet, wherever they may be. He goes out of his way and uses every tactic, no matter how flimsy, to be near them, watch them as they eat, move, breathe. He does it quietly and precisely. He uses me sometimes to do this; suggesting we eat at certain known female hangouts, movies, etc where young girls are. No matter what I have done to 'be his' exclusively, even marriage, which he insisted, it never stopped him and never will; no matter who he married.
We haven't had any sex or intimacy for 10 yrs. When he got Diabetes (his father and mom had it), it gave him an excuse to never have sex again. His father couldn't when he had diabetes, which he died of. All of a sudden my husband got four doctors to believe him when I complained about no sex from him and he could 'get it up' when he wanted to, so he explained 'it was a pee hard', stuff like that. I knew he was lying, esp when I started finding porn on the 'net'all the time and then I'd catch him red handed and he'd still lie, with his pants down and the porn in sight. The Drs gave him Viagra, Levitra, and finally Cialis. He has drawers full of the stuff(since 2000) and he has excuses for them. They 'don't work', 'they cause headaches', 'require too much work' (to take a pill??). The truth of the matter is that he prefers HIMSELF and his imagination. I went to marriage counselors ( two Christian and three secular). I tried explaining about the stalkings, hiding behind bushes with binoculars (see it gets worse and more involved as the years go on), losing a 20 yr job for being caught spying on a customer, etc but each time this 'sweet, gentle, perfect' man told them it wasn't like that, I misunderstood the situation, etc and they ALL dismissed it as normal, except for a former family doctor of mine who questions why I was always sick. He asked what was really bothering me (I've had numerous operations and now have severe high blood pressure). When I told him, he asked if I considered divorsing him and I said I was too old to be alone and lose all I've worked so hard for. I had been divorsed before and it was horrible. But this is horrible, too. Dr asked what was I going to do when it gets worse, maybe when he rapes someone or treats me like a "nothing' ((like now, years later). I didn't have an answer then or now.
All I can say, is, THIS: No one can tell you and I what to do. We each need to live out this until we've had enough. I couldn't come up with solutions for me in 15 yrs and I can't come up with one for you,BUT I've thought of fighting fire with fire (letting him see me oogle men, download and copy male strippers, etc). Didn't work. He was neither interested, nor did it do a thing for me, except waste my time. I felt stupid. I'm not interested in porn and I don't think the majority of these ladies that tell you to watch it with him, are into it either. They can cry a tall tale all they want but not one has truly convinced me they rather watch that crap with their man than an enjoy a loving one on one solely with their guy.
I tried blocking the 'net'. Come on, only a fool believes they won't unblock it. I tried hiding my mags, turning tv channels, elimanating girlfriends, etc. I refuesed for months not to go out to eat, movies, etc. Only thing it did was cause me to be lonely. He was out evey day looking at them. These men will FIND mags,tvs,computers and what they are looking for, with or without you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I know this hurt so much that i can actually feel your pain and the pain of those who answered with the same problem. I actually cried when I read the answers from the two men who wrote on 1/20/08 1nd 5/19/08 who agreed that this is NOT normal or necessary. For the others who found excuses or tried to get you to buy into this lie that the poor man has to relieve his 'pressure', 'relax', is keeping from finding someone else', etc, etc; please don't buy into it.Or the lies about not telling you because he's embarassed or afraid to hurt your feelings. HE'S NOT EITHER. He just doesn't want to have to find another way to do it now that you found out.
No, dear, it doesn't change; they do NOT ever stop; and I'm testimony that it doesn't lessen or go away. I have been MARRIED 15 YRS to a 'gentle, perfect, god-fearing, family man'. Every one believes him to be the pillar of the community. He holds an upstanding job; well known to top authorities.Everyone agrees he's the perfect person. he is not homely, unclean, overweight or mean. I have everything a woman could ever want from him except self-esteem now. He has been married four times (two times to the same woman), with five children total(NONE by me). His wives (who I met) told me they divorsed him because "he was immature..couldn't keep eyes off women' and the other wife said she signed court papers that he'd make her have sex in front of the window and their children,stalked and stared at every girl he saw and masterbated in front of his two boys (then age 4 and 11) while watching porn (I found these papers in the attic 2 yrs after I married him (that is why I met wives; and porn I found) and the fact the marriage fell apart because of it. She wanted to protect the boys but obviously that didn't work. The 4 yr old is now 20 yrs old. At 16 he raped a child under 12. He was in Juv. jail for a year., was let out and raped another girl (had just turned 18 two weeks before). he's in prison for 15 yrs with 8 yrs probation when he gets out. The other boy (age 27) lives with two known sex offender/predators. Of the other children, his daughter (now 33) was a stripper and dancer for five yrs when she turned 18. One boy is in and out of jail for drugs, assualt, theft,stolen cars, etc (30)lifetime criminal. I never met these kids until after I married him.
I am the perfect housewife (I had owned two very successful business for almost 25 yrs before I retired ,and now volunteer for the police dept...in uniform), I look 20 yrs younger that my age (mistaken often for my son's girlfriend), have gorgeous long blonde (real) hair, superb figure (36DD Real) and am understanding, loving, forgiving. In March I was approached by a man for lovemaking, because of my"beautiful body", he said. I turned him down. I've NEVER been unfaithful to my husband, though I often question why I should be so THOUGHTFUL when he's not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): well whoever wrote that last comment you gave a opinion and not advice to someone who evidenty gets hurt over porn and just cause you watch it that dont mean they want to watch it or their loved one. i myself have been hurt several times by this and you cant tell me porn is natural cause it is a sin and if it hurts this person it is not natural to them. they want more respect for their body than a nasty women with her legs open. if the man cant get pleasure by his women then why does this man degrade this women and watch others? its only common sense. men use and watch women like toys and some women know we are not and these pornos degrade us and give us the wrong name. my bf hide his porn and satyed after work and would look at it and claimed he wrked late and masturbated in his car. and lied to me for months until i found 10 or more magazines in his car hidden. and i wouldent let him touch me for a long time. and he swore up and down he wouldent do it again. and then 2 days later i found it in his car again . i found it a church this time. and then in his wallet. and then he started calling 1800 numbers and dont say i diddent satisfy him. i was young and in love! and still he kept doing it for 2 years. so who ever says its ok. you are very wrong to say it is to those who are hurt by it. that is your opinion and as we can see some people are ok with it and thats fine but not all want there men to watch naked women when he has one lying next to him every night.
KEEP UR EYES ON THE PRIZE!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): The fact that he lied to you is unjustifiable. That was wrong and unless you two work through it and understand why he lied and why he feels the need to watch porn. Unless you love him enough to help him get through his porn addiction, it will permanently hurt your relationship and it will probably dissolve. Trust is a huge pillar in a relationship and he basically torn that one down; healthy sex is an expression of love and an everything that you built together in your relationship, but if you don't have trust, what do you have?! The fact that you feel disgusted by his comments on your beauty etc. is a very important indication of your feelings. You don't trust him, and you won't unless you have a serious conversation about and if he loves you he will care.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): well ladies do you even know what porn is
men think about sex 24/7 and porn is a way to deal with that.
men get sexually frustrated and the next best thing is porn.
if hes watching porn it means hes not getting any.
dont get so upset christ its only porn at least he he isnt abusing you.. doing drugs.. murdering people.. There is a lot worse a human can do then watch a fucking porn film
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): It isn't normal, it is degrading, causes breakdowns in relationships and ultimately the relationship will disolve. Men use the excuse that all guys do it, it's normal, I am not cheating blah blah blah - when you jack off watching and thinking about other women, you are cheating. What the mind percieves the mind believes. If you percieve that you are screwing another woman you are screwing other women and that is cheating. Use any excues you want - to justify your actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): If you were a male you would understand. He isn't doing anything bad, he his just wants to masturbate, most men need to do this, it makes them relax.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Don't treat your man like he is a small kid and below the age of 18.
Hey! He is above 18 and an adult.
He should be able to decide if it is good or bad for him.
If you don't respect him , you get all the lies.
Next time , before you marry any man , write a pre nuptial agreement and specify no porn watching .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend of 3 years just blatently lied to me about porn on his phone, what bothered me the most is HOW sly he was and the long-story he came up with which he correlated to an anniversary present for a PHOTO ALBUM! I could carry on and on; but WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR and how many more things will he lie about?
I know what I stand for and it's not anything to do with the word CHEAP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): I'm in the same situation too. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years, and i have found porn on the computer in the past, and he says he wouldnt do it anymore..then lately, we've moved in together, and i found porn again, typed into the search box..first of all, i feel pretty crappy since he lied to me about it..i wouldn't feel so bad if he would have just told the truth, u know? how do i continue to trust him if he's dishonest?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Put a parental control on your computer, only YOU know the password and then you know hes not watching it!Im goign thru the same thing with my husband, I thought he was diffrent from most guys thats why i married him, now come to find out hes not, im crushed. good luck :)
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female
reader, inglestone +, writes (10 March 2008):
i was with my boyfreinbd when i looked trough his computer and found 4 dowloads of porn. a couple of months after we started seing eachother we promissed we wouldnt watch it other wise we would be over and we made that deal and stuck to it well i did he didnt and i felt ugly used and there for the hell of it i dont no what to do and how to trust him again and i carnt stop thinking about it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Hiya, my boyfriend is the same, actually he has lied to me about 8 times about it. I thought he was the one for me, in the end I spent my days constantly concerned about his lying. He promised his heart out he would never lie again, and about a month goes by and he does it again!
They dont change. Some guys are just 'that sorta guy' some arnt. Never before had I been in a sneaky and dishonest relationship and I was completely gutted when it happened with the one I loved the most.
I dumped him and now Ive gotta get over it. I do feel better though, I feel good that I have control that it wont happen again and i dont have to think about it everyday. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I have the same thoughts about my boyfriend of 5 years now. He said, He does not watch porn but I have woke up to him playing with him self while looking to porn on our computer. An I feel that I'm doing something wrong or maybe he's not happy with me any more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): dont worry my boyfriend always watch porn how many times i explain him im not happy about that but he will never stop so just start watch porn as well and u dont have to do feel bad.worst is if he really cheats so u should be happy!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): For all those men and women who agree that watching porn is normal and should be accepted....you couldn't be more wrong. Its a cheap thrill that is very unnecessary if you are as into your mate as much as you say you are. I do feel it is ok in moderation if you are single or if both people in the relationship have no issues with it. But if one of the two have a problem with pornography...guess what...ITS A DAMN PROBLEM! Its not a necessity and if one can't go without then it very well may be an addiction! There are counseling sessions for that. If you know that what you are doing is hurting your loved one and making them feel inadequate or less pretty, why in the hell would you continue to do it?! And for those who say its better than going out and the streets and getting the real thing...you may not be ready for a committed relationship anyway. Don't tolerate anyone who isn't going to respect you and that will knowingly satisfy hormonal cravings before considering your feelings. This advice was free of charge!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I am in the exact same situation at the moment. Lies and hurt feelings all over the place. Ive been thinking for about a week or so about this constantly and have come to a final decision
to just let it go. its totally wrong to lie to someone, but perhaps girlfriends just make it so hard to be honest. no excuse, i know, but i know i sure as hell have lied to get myself out of a situation.
ive decided not to let myself get down about the way i look because of this, because its nothing to do with me. its just a guy, being a guy.
dont worry about the porn. you'll obviously have to come to some kind of agreement about it, and let him know its wrong to lie to you, but down beat yourself up about the trust. trust can be earned back. its just a matter of whether you can handle working through this situation, and im sure you can as youve been together thru a long distance relationship.
good luck x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): having porn is completely normal!!even for those who consider themselves 'prudes' - men looking at porn is a natural thing and can even be enjoyed by girls too. the reason why he lied about it is probably because he was embarrassed and knew you would react the way you did!!poor thing, for doing something completely natural, he is made feel ashamed for it. it doesnt mean that you are less attractive to him, its just a thing men do. my boyf watches it, and i must say it does keep the sex life exciting!!he may have lied to you, but im sure he had his reasons.
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female
reader, alwaysndforever +, writes (17 January 2008):
guys looking at porn doesnt matter at all..ther horny and odds are when there masturbating there thinking about you anyway. its natural to have to get cum out of your body. all people are horny its in your hormones..100% normal you really shouldnt think of it as a bad thing. he knows its normal and not bad so he lied about it cuz he didnt wnna upset you most likely knowing that you wouldnt understand. seriously he still loves you. porn is soo normal and its really not a bad thing at all..let him know that u dont care about porn cuz its natural and u guys will be sooo open with each other..seriously its not a big deal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I definately agree with the person who commented on this before me. Porn is a regular thing for us guys and while i can understand how it makes some women feen unapreciated or inadequate, It's definately preferable than going out and finding the real thing (and quicker too!) I wouldn't put that much thought into it, if it becomes a problem where he's watching it constantly, then discuss it. Otherwise, let him have his fun and see if you can get into and maybe have some fun with him.
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female
reader, soldierred +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Well I have a question for you Why do you think it is that bad? My husband and I are separated right now and have been for almost 15 months with three brief visits, I know he looks at porn. He still finds me sexy so that is all that matters. And they lieing part he was trying to get out of it. We all tell white lies here and there. Just ask him does he still find you attractive and so on, if he replies with a hell ya then you have worries, and maybe watch with him a time or to hey it might be fun
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female
reader, Sex Kitten  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Perhaps your boyfriend shouldn't have lied about the porn not being his on his computer in the first place, but maybe he was just trying to protect your feelings as he didn't want to upset you, then I guess after the first lie he had to keep denying it. Anyway, guys watching porn is quite a normal thing, so don't see your boyfriend in a bad light. I'm 25 and my boyfriend and I have been together six years now and we watch porn together sometimes, I find it a real turn on - I suggest that maybe you try watching some porn with your fella aswell, then maybe you won't think of it as being so 'bad'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I definitely know how you feel. My boyfriend likes to look at porn a good bit and sometimes it makes me feel terrible about myself. You have to remember, though, that it IS normal. The thing I have come to realize about guys is that they find all types of women beautiful. Just because he is looking at pornstars and getting excited doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive, trust me. Porn really isn't that bad, and if it is something that he is into maybe the two of you could try to watch some together sometime. You might be surprised at how much you may enjoy it. And remember, it's a lot better for him to be looking at porn as a way to get his excitement rather than going out and finding other women in real life.
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