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Before I grew up I did wild stuff; he wants a threesome

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Question - (6 April 2013) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 April 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, *LEBS writes:

So I was telling my boyfriend of 7 months about my semi-wild past. I've had one night stands and threesoms before, even hooked up with a hand full of girls. Those days are gone, I've grown up and gained self respect for myself. He, on the other hand, has only been with two other women aside from myself and is nowhere near as experienced as I am. He brought up the fact that he wanted to have a threesome with me and another woman because he never had the opportunity to before we were together. I am standing my ground and saying no but how do I convince him that being with another woman would be cheating on me and not worth it down the road (we are planning on getting married some day and I could never look at him the same again). Any advise would be appreciated!

View related questions: one night stand, threesome

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013):

Why or why are you dating a guy with such a different sexual past? And why or why did you tell him about yours?

He's lying when he says he didn't have the opportunity for a threesome. Everyone has that opportunity at one point or another. When it happened to me (more than once), I backed away fast. It seemed super icky to me. Your boyfriend probably felt the same way, so he's upset to find out that you did it. Now he wants to experience what you've experienced. He wants to do that because he's hurt and angry. In his mind, he was "good and moral," while you were bad. He wants to be bad, too, just to spite you. He's probably lost a bit of respect for you. I'm sorry that hurts to hear, but it's the truth.

The same thing happened with my boyfriend and me. He's done sexual acts I strongly disapprove of, like threesomes. It took a really long time for me to stop obsessing about it. I still get pissed off about when I do. In fact, I picked a fight with him over it just the other day.

I love my boyfriend, so I've decided to work things through, but I don't see him in the same way. I never will. What he thought was boasting, makes me sick to my stomach. It's jealousy coupled with disgust. Bad, bad idea to share one's sexual history.

My advice to you is to stay strong. Keep telling him that you're not the same immature, insecure person that did those things. Tell him that you didn't enjoy it (lie if you have to). Tell him that the sex you two have is far more erotic and exciting.

Maybe he'll be able to move beyond your history, but maybe he won't. It's been tough for me and women tend to be more forgiving about these things.

Whatever you do, don't have a threesome, it will destroy your relationship. Both of you will lose all respect for each other.

P.S. If you break up with this guy, please, please find a guy who has the same type of history as you do. That way, he'll understand why you did what you did.

For us vanilla people, your actions seem outrageous. No one's willing to say it, because it's judgmental, but that's the truth. I can't understand why any straight woman would kiss another woman or share a man. Sorry, I just can't and neither can your boyfriend.

Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013):

Don't let anyone judge you.

I think the suggestion about 3 months apart to give him the opportunity/ feel like he has had the opportunity to "catch up" (in his eyes) is the best. It worked for my boyfriend and I in a similar situation. Of course, every relationship is different. Good luck :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013):

Very different sexual histories is a bad sign for a couple's compatibility in general. There are countless examples of it.

Unfortunately people are too politically correct to allow this issue to be discussed honestly and without prejudice in the early dating stages of a relationship. So it often causes huge unsolvable problems later on instead of being dealt with at the beginning.

(To Chigirl: Maybe the reason that her BF didn't pursue this kind of thing when he was single is because it's never easy for the majority of men to get whatever wild sex they want. That is only easy for women and very attractive men. Its very difficult for most normal men.)

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntHaving a threesome is not a life's not like learning to drive or having your first child. Having a threesome is one of those crazy depraved ideas that people think they want, but they find the reality is most dissapointing.

I love those sexcetera TV shows where they show the swing set out dogging and 'sharing' and attending orgies and sex parties. Inevitably there's always an element of jealousy that surfaces (mainly from the guys)when they see their woman having a good time with another man...and that's when the bubble bursts.

Of course there are a few people who can detach from their feelings and think it's all a Jolly Wheeze!! but sooner or later that shit turns around and bites them in the arse!! and someone end up getting hurt.

Your guy sounds like he is maybe trying to impress you, or maybe thinks that, because of your wild past, you will be more willing to let him experiment with another woman (because they always want the third person to be a woman). If you don't want to, then tell him:

'No it's in my past and I don't want to do that now'

If he keeps on, you might have created a monster and it could be time to say bye bye!!

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (6 April 2013):

You made a big mistake by disclosing you past to him. Specially because he has so little experience. Most probably he is frustrated because what you did in your past, and he is asking for a threesome out of anger. And because he may think that a threesome will make him even with you.

There is no difference in having sex with someone else in front of your partner, and telling your partner what you did with someone else in the past. It's pretty sadistic and useless.

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A female reader, MsSadie United States +, writes (6 April 2013):

MsSadie agony auntFirst things first, partaking in the lifestyle you did earlier in life doesn't necessarily mean you had no self-respect. The way that I see it, self-respect is less determined by the action than the motivation (i.e. if you were hooking up with girls to get guys' attention rather than because you wanted to, THEN that's lacking self-respect).

Anyway, all you can really do is tell your boyfriend that you are not into that anymore, and explain to him why with the same reasons that you used here. Or you can try backtracking by explaining that you weren't trying to entice him with those stories but simply be honest.

I agree with the third answerer as well. Next time around, supposing this relationship doesn't work out, exercise caution in how you tell these tales. I don't recommend lying or omitting them, but try to be wiser about how your partner will respond to them.

See, I also have my fair share of eyebrow-raising stories, but I would never explain them to someone who I want to marry as a "hey, baby, listen to what I've done" kind of story; I'd instead explain them as what they were: bad decisions that took place during a turbulent time in my life.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (6 April 2013):

chigirl agony auntYou don't convince him, he ought to know already. But a threesome is not cheating if you agreed to it. Sex with another woman is cheating if he does it behind your back.

Just say no and tell him why. I'm thinking it's not that big of a deal to him (since he hasn't actively pursued this before) and that he just asked because he thought you might be open to the idea.

I've asked my boyfriend if he'd be interested in a threesome, just out of curiosity. I'm not so sure I even want a threesome with him, but perhaps if he was interested and we found the right person we'd do it. It's not like I can't do without, but you got to be allowed asking. It's just a part of exploring your sexuality together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013):

Pretty easy to make him understand OP. "babe, I love you, I never want to share you, ever, if I saw you even kiss another woman it would crush me so deeply that our relationship would be over. I'm not willing to put myself through that and I'm never going to have a threesome with you."

Simple as that OP. Just tell him what you told us.

Tell him he's never going to get one with you and if he keeps bringing it up or even attempts to convince you of one ever again, then you're going to take it as a mark of disrespect and that you're not enough for him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013):

I think if you already knew about his sexual background, going into such elaborate detail about yours was going to be dangerous.

It could cause problems or resentments later especially as you experienced so much more, especially things he was curious about. Why did you go into so much detail? Were you gloating a little?

Definitely a can of worms have been open. No he won't forget and yes it will keep coming up.

Good that you stick to your guns and good luck. I think it will start causing arguments and resentments. I have happen too many times where one partner is far more exp.

Common sense should say being so detailed is sure to cause problems.

Next guy dont be so open. Dont lie but at the same time dont gloat (no matter what u say, to him it will always feel like gloating even.if you're not)

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (6 April 2013):

Yos agony auntThe problem is he may not be able to look at you the same again. Having told him about your wild past he's not going to forget it, nor is he going to feel good about it.

Having said that you're doing the right thing: giving in to his requests is going to make you feel bad about yourself, and probably not make him feel any better either.

I suggest not telling him any more about your past, and avoiding getting into extended conversations about it. The best you can do is reassure him that you've changed, that you did these things because you were unhappy, and you are unwilling to go back to that place. If he loves you he'll try to understand and stop pressuring you.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (6 April 2013):

Well it wouldn't be cheating because you would be there and he wouldn't be lying and keeping secrets from you. However I don't think 3somes are usually very good for relationships. You would be stuck with the image of him enjoying himself with someone else, however at the moment he is stuck with his imagination of you enjoying yourself which is probably as bad if not worse. You probably shouldn't have told him about your past since its pretty different from his. You have helped him realise that sex can be just fun without having to have any great significance to a relationship and he hasn't tried this.

You can help him discover this by joining in, or you could tell him to go off for 3 months and do all the wild stuff he thinks he's missed, and see if you still want to have a relationship afterwards.

Or you can make him try to forget what you told him (which he probably can't ) and have the risk that he will cheat on you at the first chance - because it's only sex and you've probably made sex feel not as important as he thought it was.

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