A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am 16 years old and I think for the first time in ages I have met someone nice. So far in my life I've been in two relationships both of which have been violent, abusive and I've just been cheated on and been stupid enough to give them chances but expect nothing back. But now I've met someone nice, he is older than me, about 21 but we get on great. I met him at a party and we got talking, not long after we met up with eachother and soon discovered we both liked the same kind of things. He is sweet, kind, intelligent, funny, he has a job to support himself, is keen to introuduce me to his family (which is a first for me), generous and well he is great. We told eachother that we liked one and other at a different party and we have hit it off from there, and most importantly apart from kissing and cuddling we have done nothing sexual and I am going to continue that. However, this is the longest I've been single for, and I've only been single for 2 months, I don't know if its too soon to be venturing into something new even though he is lovely, he is also a bit clingy and likes to have a lot of hugs and what not and i'm a tad hesitant, I find it hard to open up slightly and I don't know if I should continue seeing him and what not or just remain single. Whats your thoughts?
View related questions:
kissing, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually am very fond of that idea iAmHereToHelpYou. What I was trying to say is do I carry on kind of going on dates with him and what not? I didn't mean do I get into a relationship with him straight away, I do believe that getting into a friendship before hand is a good idea. And yes that is a good point, but this is different to the others, he wants to treat me, has suggested taking his little sister out, and what not, and he doesn't ask anything of me so I don't think he is manipulative, he hasn't pressured me to do anything and has agreed to take everything at my pase if I wish to. The only thing which has raised alarm is the fact that he has his hopes way up, he is very affectionate and wished to hug me and hold my hand in public which in all honesty I find a bit weird just because I have only met him a few times but he has explained that he often doesn't meet girls who like the same things as him and has apoloygized numerous times as he worries he is being too much. So what exactly do you think of that? And what do you think I should do, you've always been right with every other situation? He wants to take me out to dinner this Wednesday, and I have agreed do you think that is a good idea or not?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven though I understand your concern and I understand your opinion, not everything is down to age. Just because someone older is interested in someone younger doesn't mean they are looking to manupliate them or emotionally hurt them, I understand what you have said regarding to them being an adult for longer but it doesn't make them a "pervert". Here in the UK, it is extrememly common for people to go out in there teens with others who are older, I know many girls who go out with 23 or 24 year olds. Age isn't everything, and even though what you have stated is common amoung todays world, with older boys going out with younger girls and using them to do whatever they want and manipulate them, it isn't always down to age but more or less is down to the person. Also, I don't drink, so my judgement wasn't off key or whatever because I was sober. And I would also like to point out just because I have a mental health disorder does not mean I have lack of judgement, I know what I am doing and yes I don't know about adult life so to speak, but that doesn't mean I have a mind of a child. Also I have close family, so I don't understand what you mean about me trying to find a substitute for closeness, as I am very close to my family. I do agree with you when it comes to the fact I don't know about commitment and what not but that doesn't mean I can't learn it and yeah it will come with age. What I do in this situation is up to me, I enjoy being single and I may want to stay like it, but I am simply stating that not everything is down to age and there are people who end up having successful relationships and date a lot older than I do at the same age of me. And also sometimes dating your own age isn't always everyones cup of tea and I know that is normally a thing you find out in later life but sometimes it is just about how your feelings connect with someone elses. I will be able to enjoy my teenage years and innocence so to speak in a relationship or out of one, being with someone unless it is dysfunctional doesn't effect the time you have along the way or the development of a person. Thankyou for your advice and i'll keep it in mind and even though I do not agree with your theory on how you feel its inappropriate for an older guy to go out with a younger girl who is over the age of consent, I shall still take your advice on board.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Your young perspective of a commitment; and what true commitment is, takes years of experience and preparation.
There are many trials that we face in preparation for survival in life. Children just aren't equipped.
I remain steadfast to my advice; because I've helped a lot of young people who think they can compare their cleverness to that of older adults. They are usually victims of their own mistakes. It often backfires; because they think they know it all.
I had already figured out that you were under therapy, and I had already established the fact that you have a need for supervision. There is a detachment in your family unit that you seek through relationships with boys. It does fill in your loneliness; and the fact you feel like you're in a free-fall, with no one to catch you.
Being in a relationship substitutes for being in the security of a close family-unit. You need closeness.
I have a lot of education and experience, my dear. I'm human just like you are, and I know much of what people feel through empathy and what we all share in humanity.
Young people need time to enjoy the innocence of youth. You shed your innocence as you take the journey through life and you are exposed to those things that will prepare you for adulthood. There are too many young people taking the shortcut, they are unprepared, mentally under-developed, and self-destructive. Many taking to suicide once they get over-whelmed. Too much, too soon.
I offer my advice with a strict sense of concern, when I see young people placing themselves in situations with a false sense of confidence. Thinking they have it all under control. You will never convince WiseOwlE you have all it takes to survive in an adult-world, or you wouldn't be in therapy.
Allow nature to take it's course. It takes time to grow and prepare for adulthood. You would enjoy life more; if you allowed yourself to enjoy it from a teen's perspective.
Men belong with women.
They are on equal-footing, and whatever pain they inflict on each other, they have the experience and judgment necessary to deal with life crisis. There would be no child protective services, if children could compete in an adult-world. You are a juvenile, even the courts in the UK would recognize that. I'm no fool.
Children trying to be adults by playing around in adult situations end up getting burned. Sooner, or later.
You duck a few and get a false sense of security; until you meet the wrong guy. Usually older, and able to be whatever you want him to be.
Don't try to convince me you're ready for that. I know better. You can "party" with whomever you like. When sex and alcohol are involved; there are serious risks. I'm not pitting my intelligence against that of a 16 year-old child, I am offering you advice that will help you.
Feel free to get to know whomever you like. You are vulnerable due to your mental disorder, and there are some crafty guys out there that may do you emotional harm. Not to mention the lack of judgment you may have due to symptoms of your mental illness. I read the details, and follow-through on every word you say.
I am glad to have been able to submit some advice here; because even if you don't listen, other young people will benefit in similar situations. I'm not competing with the advice of other aunts. They are correct in their advice as well. I only want to reemphasize the risks between crossing age-gaps where drinking is involved; and young girls spending too much time with older men, before they are emotionally mature enough to face the consequences of their choices and actions.
I've said my piece.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. First of all.
1. I do see a therapist, I have bipolar, I have had problems in the past with not wanting to be on my own, but I actually ENJOY being single. This is not a case of I have met someone and i'm so lonely I just want them to fill the gap in my life. I've genuinely met someone nice.
2. Every other boy I have been out with has been 1 year older than me, and believe I or not, I have found that they are just too immature for me, none of them have been on my level.
3. Parents think the age gap is fine.
4. The parties I went too are camping parties, with a mixed age group, that's fine is it not? This guy I know doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs, doesn't drink much and is easy going.
5. He isn't manuplative at all. And I may well be a child but I sure no the wrongens when I see them, I also haven't turned to this guy out of loneliness or weakness. I am perfectly happy being alone and am also perfectly happy wih myself.
After getting that cleared up, thank you, I will tread carefully, and I will take it slow and listen to my gut instincts, its not the fact that there is anything wrong with the guy its just I've found myself enjoying my own space so much that I don't know if i'm ready to make a commitment, but still thankyou very much :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 At 16, age does matter and has got nothing to do with drinking age. My son, 23, is a teetotaller, he does not drink at all, ever- and yet, he could munch on ANY 16 y.o., gobble her up and spit out the remnants with no effort- and he's far from being a player or a smooth operator, poor kid :) .He's just older than you , and in 7 years, or 5 , or even just 3... at this formative age you learn a lot of tricks . A lot. One of which being playing it cool, abstaining from showing the hungry, rabid sexual interest that at 16 y.o. would, - an older boy would be able to play it down and play up the intellectual " similarities ". ( Which, most of the times , boil down to liking the same pizza or the same fashion brands or videogames - big deal ). And/or showing himself serious , family oriented, and eager for you to meet Mom ( same thing- big deal : as if saying, hey mom, this is my " friend " Tiffany were such a big deal and big committment ).
But, maybe I am too suspicious and too pessimistic, and let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt - maybe he is a nice kid, loving, caring, honest and with a big crush on you ( although, that too : a 21 y.o. with a serious interest for a 16 y.o. schoolgirl ?....uhmmmm.... makes you think... ). In this light, if you take it slow, and are able to keep a cool head, and keep building a good friendship first / possible relationship later, without getting carried away,and overwhelmed, either emotionally or sexually,...in theory there isn't a big problem. Protect yur heart, and protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs of course, if IN TIME you decide to get intimate, then time will tell .
BUT , I think the rreal problem is that, you just can't be alone. That skewes your perspective, the perception of your real wants and needs. You don't even know if you really want this guy, or what other kind of guy you really want, you only know you don't want to be alone. This is a very vulnerable, and misguided , position where to start from. Just 16 years, and the longest you have been single is TWO MONTHS !, ... and you are already freaking out, and ready to MAKE yourself fall for someone you don't even know yet, you are not even sure you really like, and you can't quite open up to, just because he treats you half decently ?! Just because he is sort of kind, sort of polite... and you are already sucked in and raring to go ?.... Bad sign, my young friend, - you can't handle being single, in fact you can't enjoy being single and use your single time to find out about yourself and what person you want become, what qualities you can develop , what interests you can cultivate, what strengths you possess, etc... - no, the only thing you can come up with to feel happy and fulfilled is , to snatch another boy, hopefully a better boy this time....
Not that there is something wrong per se in wanting a partner, at any age, but, I've got a feeling, as I said, that you are looking for him from a place of loneliness and weakness, rather than from a place of wellness and strength. It's a bad start, trust me . Love as an antidepressant ? as a life-void filler ?... never a good idea, and carries problems with itself, no matter how " nice " is the guy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Age gaps do matter. Women much older write DC; because dealing with adult-level situations are stressful; and require maturity to deal with the pressures of adult-life.
If most parents had anything to say about it; I doubt they'd go along with millionbitsu's take on the age gap.
Particularly fathers.
They know what men are capable of, and most teenagers don't have the judgement to match older adults when it comes to drinking and sex. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions, and slow down the thinking faculties. So I know exactly what I'm talking about when I say you're under-supervised. It has nothing to do with how mature you "think" you are; but how mature you actually are.
Older guys know how to manipulate, over-power, and conquer younger women. You can think you're smart, but he's got years of experience ahead of you. I've answered too many posts from young girls your age, agonizing over what boys their age do to them, from all over the world. So drinking age isn't the issue here; nor is it how smart or mature young girls think they are.
Dismissing sound advice is stupid and immature.
There are adult matters to be considered. Pregnancy, STD's, HIV infection, introduction to hard drugs, and date rape. Need I add more to the list? I don't care what country you're from, or what age you are, it takes a lot to deal with all this.
...............................
A
female
reader, millonbitsu +, writes (25 August 2013):
Hi there answer from a UK perspective! :)I can tell from the way you've written the question you're intelligent, articulate and it appears you're quite mature for your age, so in my mind the age gap isn't that much of an issue as the answers before make out. Plenty of teenagers go to parties and meet with guys a bit older than them in the UK because the drinking age and school leaving age is lower than in the states so I think the answers above freaked out because it's different laws etc over in the states. I know plenty of boys my age who date girls 16-19 (I'm 21) and also me and all my female friends date guys in their late 20s early 30s so the age gap just depends on how mature you are I guess.Having said that, it sounds like you hesitance is a red flag. You've said yourself you've had bad experiences, I am sorry to hear that, and I hope those experiences haven't knocked your confidence too much. It seems like you are enjoying that freedom of being single - after all you are young and regaining your confidence after being involved with some jerks.Although this guy seems nice, your gut feeling is telling you not to rush things so DON'T. you've not had sex, and you are questioning whether you're ready to jump straight back in to something again. If you're having doubts I'd recommend either finishing it before it starts with this new boy, or making it clear that you want to take it REALLY slow.Even though I say above that the age gap isn't a big deal etc, that's not to say that you shouldn't have bigger priorities than having a boyfriend at your age (or at any age at that matter!) but being 16 is so much fun, do you really want to settle on a guy who's lovely but is obviously looking for something more serious - he is in a different stage to his life than you are so just give that some thought.Please don't stick with this boy just because you like the feeling of having someone care about you. You are clearly a thoughtful, intelligent lady otherwise you wouldn't have given the issue a second thought and just jumped straight into bed with him. If you are not ready for a relationship with anyone (nevermind the age gap or how nice he is) then please enjoy being single.Best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): You are obviously an under-supervised teen. You're too young to be dating a 21 year-old, and you spend too much time around guys for your age. You don't seem to realize that you're under-aged, for parties with guys "21" attending.
You should be out enjoying friendships with other females in your age-group.
Your body and mind are still growing and developing, and you're talking about being "single" like you're some twenty-something year-old adult. Shame on your parents, for not keeping an eye on you. Otherwise, you sneak about without permission.
The fact you're going from one guy to the next is a sign of your immaturity; and now you're climbing in over your head
dating what is considered a sexual-offender in some areas of my country. It may be okay in the UK; but many psychologist would say you're out of your league; and he's a borderline pedophile. He has the benefit of higher education, maturity, and experience. He's an adult. You're a child. Even if you don't think so.
You claim you haven't had sex; if you haven't, it may be only a matter of time. I have my doubts about the accuracy of that. You may only be protecting him.
I think you're right to just remain "single." Try enjoying being just a teen for a while.
It would be safer and healthier for you to do things more age-appropriate. Young girls who try to become women too soon end up damaged. Then they start regressing back to being girls too late in their lives; trying to regain what they missed.
Sweetie, you're only a child. I know you feel all grown up, but there are some things that can wait. Please enjoy being young and enjoy what that offers. You have another five years of growth and development, and time to prepare for guys his age. Sorry to seem so mean. I don't like what older people do to children, before they are emotionally mature enough to have adult-relationships. They can do a lot of psychological damage to young people. Guys hurt women twice and three times your age. They can't handle it.
I'm glad you came to DC, so aunts can answer what is a very very good question.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): I have a friend who literally CANNOT be single- she's got all these rejection issues and low self esteem. She freaks out in her own company and would rather be in a relationship with a guy who emotionally n verbally abuses her. I think like her you must have some deep seated self worth issues to have been in TWO abusive relationships, already at 16. I strongly suggest you look into some therapy because you're low and vulnerable to nasty people. You must have very low self esteem to allow yourself to be abused twice. You need to focus on making yourself happy and improving yourself esteem. So give dating / relationships a rest until you understand what makes you happy and who you are. As for this guy, he's 21, clinging on to a girl just barely of age. I won't lie it's 100% weird for him to be suggesting meeting his parents after just a couple of meetings... Sorry but he doesn't sound all that savoury. By all means,be friends if you like him a lot but give him a wide berth when it comes to dating. Go to the doctors, look up MIND online, and he will hopefully refer you to a therapist. If you've got the money I would recommend private therapy... Helped me so much! Good luck and take care xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 I feel like a 21 year old showing clingy tendencies + mentioning meeting his parents after meeting for the first time to a borderline underage woman (depending on your state), could be a red flag. I know age is nothing but a number, but it is around this age--if the tables were turned, would you want to date an 11 year old? I would just tell him you want to take it slow, get to know each other before calling it something official. Mentioning meeting the parents also raised a question mark--even saying it, in my view, would be moving way fast and seems inappropriate to bring up, even if he means down the road, it's a little like mentioning marriage in your first conversation with a guy--whoa. So listen to your gut, tread lightly, and see how you feel after getting to know him better.
...............................
|
